A Summer Nowhere

It used to be that when a lot of crazy stuff was happening all at once, I wouldn't be able to keep up with it all. It's like my brain just shoved all the information into a junk drawer and then later, when it got quiet, I had to go through the junk drawer and sort through all the odd batteries and loose change and chip clips to figure out what the hell just happened. It was an eventful night, and that's the biggest understatement ever.

After that police officer looked around our house—every single room, might I add—he and another officer found two gas cans in the garage. Both of them had a little bitty tiny bit of liquid in the bottom, which meant that maybe they'd only recently been emptied. Another thing was that Dennis' old car was in there when it usually stayed in the driveway so Mama could park inside.

When he asked Brad about it, he started sweating like a whore in church and it all just kind of came out. He'd gone all the way past Sam's house and driven down the road that went way out to the Hintons' old farm. It was mostly abandoned except for a handful of stray dogs that liked to swim in the dirty old pond. There were little paths everywhere that Mr. Hinton used to get from one building to another. Sam said it had been pretty cool—a couple of barns, three grain silos, and that big house. Now it was just the house and a lot of empty, overgrown land.

From where he parked the car—and I didn't know how he managed to maneuver that piece of crap junker over all those dirt and gravel paths—the cabin was only a couple hundred yards. He walked there, doused the building inside and out, and tossed a lit cigarette at it. Then, he said he ran as fast as he could back to the car and drove back home with a brand new pack of cigarettes for Dennis, because that's why he said he'd left in the first place. The whole story just kinda tumbled right out of his mouth.

But the worst part was that he acted like it wasn't that big a deal. The only thing he was upset about was getting in trouble for it. Getting caught made him a nervous wreck, but setting somebody else's property on fire wasn't anything to lose any sleep over. I think that's what made Gary the most angry.

It took me, Mama, and the two cops to keep Gary from beating Brad to death. Finally, he went in my room and closed the door and told me to tell him when he was gone. They took Brad to jail and Dennis threw the biggest fit I'd ever seen a grown man throw in my entire life. He was banging and throwing things around, yelling at Mama for not sticking up for his kid. Then he started on me, telling me that it was all my fault. If I hadn't made up the whole story about him putting his hands on me at Lake Malone, Brad would've been just fine and none of this would have ever happened.

Mama told him to get the fuck out of her house, and she never used that word if she could help it. He said that it was his house just as much as it was hers. She told him that that was a damn lie because his name wasn't anywhere on the deed, the lease, the electric bill, nothing. He told us he wasn't going anywhere until I apologized for telling such a horrible lie. When I told him I hadn't lied about anything, he called me a lying slut.

That's when Gary came out of the bedroom and got in his face. I knew Dennis was scared, but he tried to act like he wasn't. Gary told him that he had two choices: he could leave in his own vehicle or he could leave in an ambulance. Or if he liked, Gary said, he could leave in a body bag. Mama had to step in at that point, mostly just because nobody wanted Gary to go to prison.

Finally, Dennis stomped upstairs and banged around up there for a few minutes before coming back down with his old, ugly suitcase. It was overflowing with his clothes and I wasn't sure how it stayed together. He yelled at Heather to go pack her shit and meet him in the car. When she stayed put, just staring up at all of us with her eyes as big as saucers, Mama told her she was more than welcome to stay. She said she'd make sure everything was taken care of, not to worry.

That started a whole new fight. Dennis started screaming at Mama not to interfere with how he dealt with his kid because her interfering was what got Brad in the mess he was in. I almost didn't want to, but somehow I managed to convince Gary not to go full on nuclear. Heather told her dad that she wanted to stay with us because she was tired of him being drunk and angry all the time. She told him that Brad wasn't innocent in any of this and that she wished he would stop placing the blame for everything on everybody else. After that, he told her to go fuck herself and stomped out the door. She just sat in the same spot and blinked her eyes a bunch of times, like her eyes were gonna' tear up and she didn't want them to.

“You alright, sweetheart?” Mama asked Heather.

She nodded her head up and down and stood up to give Mama a hug. Then she said she was really tired and, if nobody minded, she was just gonna' go ahead and go to bed early. We all just kinda watched her head down the hall. For whatever reason, she looked so much smaller than she actually was. I thought maybe it was because she was all hunkered down, like if you pushed her over she'd just land in the fetal position without even putting herself in it. It was pitiful and it made me sad.

Mama insisted on making us a cup of tea to soothe our nerves, even though I didn't want any and Gary didn't even drink hot tea. We sat at the kitchen table while Mama tried to process everything that had happened out loud. I was pretty sure Gary didn't want to talk about it, because he just sat in his chair, leaning his head against the wall. Finally, Mama went up to bed and Gary followed me to my room. I'd taken a shower that morning, so he took one while I put on my pajamas and got into bed. I made sure the overhead light was off and the ceiling fan was on, then I turned the lamp on so he could see to get back to the bed.

It felt so normal, like I didn't even have to think about it, and I wondered if that was just one of the little tiny parts of being married. When a girl thinks about being married, they think about kissing each other goodbye in the morning and making each other coffee and having dinner together and just living in the same house and having kids and celebrating anniversaries and stuff. But every once in a while, some tiny little thing would happen, like me leaving the lamp on for Gary or him putting lemon in my sweet tea whenever we went anywhere to eat, and I'd think, “This is gonna' be my favorite part of being married to this boy.”

Mostly, I expected him to be exhausted that night. I knew he was, but I thought he'd lay right down and pass out. Instead, he laid down on the bed diagonally so his head was resting in my lap and his legs were hanging off the mattress from the knee down. His hair was a little damp, but I didn't mind running my fingers through it anyway. He just looked so sad, but I thought it was mostly for Eileen. Everybody thought because Rick was the man of the house and he was the one with the Dulworth name, that that was all his land. It was, but only by marriage. Eileen's parents had raised cattle. Not a lot, just enough to get by. Dairy, mostly. But when Rick and Eileen got married, they lived there with her parents and Rick started moving his equestrian business into the family. If anybody should be upset, it was Eileen.

“I feel like that was our place.” Gary told me, looking at me upside down. “That's where we made love for the first time...”

I had to fight a giggle, because I'd never, ever heard him use that exact terminology and it sounded corny coming out of his mouth—or anybody's, really.

“...and it's where I asked you to marry me. We got to know each other in that little cabin.” He said. “Now it's gone.”

“All gone?” I wondered out loud.

“It's just an empty frame.” He shrugged his shoulders. “No door, no windows. It's like if you made a box and then cut out the sides. Nothing but ashes and burnt wood.”

“I'm sorry.” I told him, putting my fingers on his temples and rubbing in circles. It was what Mama did to me sometimes when I had a headache.

“It's not your fault.” He said.

“I know.” I nodded. “I'm still sorry, though. I wish I could do something to make you feel better.”

“You do make me feel better.” He finally smiled.

Before I knew it, he was stretched out on his side of the bed and had yanked me over so I was tucked next to him. I couldn't help but giggle. He made me feel so small and safe and I couldn't even think of what I'd do without him. Even when we were just laying there, dozing off, I felt like everything was okay and I could just fully relax and not worry about a thing.

Gary had spent the night with me at least a hand full of times and I decided that waking up in the morning with him next to me was just about the greatest thing on earth. Usually, him stirring early in the morning was what woke me up, but that morning I got up first. I think all the stress from the night before had gotten to him and he was too worn out for his natural clock to work right.

When I snuck into the bathroom, I brushed my teeth and washed my face. After that, I crawled up in bed next to him and gave him a soft little kiss on the cheek. It was after nine and I didn't think he'd ever slept that late in his entire life. He sucked a breath in through his nose and smiled before opening up his eyes.

“Morning, sleepyhead.” I grinned at him. “Were you planning on waking up today?”

“Shit.” He said, looking at his watch. “I need to get home and see what needs to be done.”

“Okay.” I told him. “I think I'm gonna' stay here with Heather.”

He pulled himself up so he was sitting with his back against the headboard and grinned at me. I thought he looked so cute like that; his hair was a little bit messy and his eyes were still sleepy. Plus, he didn't have a shirt on and that was always a really nice thing for me to see.

“You're the best person I know.” He grabbed my hand and kissed the back of it.

I couldn't help but roll my eyes. I would probably never figure out why he thought so much of me. We ended up making out like crazy for a good half hour before he said if he didn't get home, he'd never get home; he'd just stay locked up with me forever because he loved me so much he could barely stand it. I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time, and I didn't want him to go, but I knew it was necessary. After he left, I went down the hall to Heather's room and knocked on the door.

“Come in.” She called.

She was sitting up in her bed with her legs crossed Indian style and a humongous book opened up in front of her. When I plopped down at the foot of the bed, facing her, I saw that it was a photo album. There were a ton of Polaroids, some of them yellowed with age, and a few old black and whites.

“This is Mammy.” Heather pointed to a picture of Dennis' mother when she was in her twenties or thirties. She was sitting on her front porch with a guy that I figured was her husband. “Mom used to say I looked like her, but I don't think so.”

I didn't either, and I told her. She seemed pleased with that. She flipped a page and turned the book around so I could see. Her bright pink fingernail tapped on a picture of a younger, happier Dennis. He was holding a toddler that I guessed was Brad on his hip and a cute little Heather was standing next to him, both arms wrapped around his knee.

“See?” She said, gesturing at some kind of carnival in the background. “I told you he wasn't always like this.”

“What happened?” I asked. “I know you guys have been through a lot, but what do you think pushed him over the edge?”

“You mean Brad or my dad?” She asked, giggling a little bit at the rhyme.

“Both.” I laughed.

“I don't know.” She shrugged her shoulders, turning her book back around. “Maybe it was the divorce or maybe it was what happened with Donnie. Maybe it was you. I don't know.”

“It wasn't me.” I huffed. “Why does everybody keep saying that?”

“That's not what I meant.” Heather shook her head. “I just mean maybe he got upset that you weren't interested in him and went totally fucking psycho.”

“Damn.” I felt a cold chill shake up my whole body. “He committed a felony.”

She let out a deep, dramatic sigh and shrugged her shoulders again. “It was bound to happen sooner or later.”

I couldn't argue with that, so I changed the subject. “Are you still planning on starting school here?”

“I don't really have another choice.” She said. “I was thinking about getting my GED, but your mom really wants all of her little chickens to finish school the right way.”

I laughed at that. “Well, I can show you around and stuff. It's not like it's huge or anything.”

“Thanks.” She nodded her head up and down and smiled at me. “I'm really sorry about what happened.”

“It's alright.” I shrugged. “It was just some walls and a ceiling and a floor.”

That wasn't really true. I mean it was, because that's how buildings usually worked, but it meant more to me than that. I didn't know why, but I thought saying that out loud would sound stupid, so I kept it to myself. I think Heather knew that, but before she could say anything about it, the doorbell rang and I went to get it.

Lynn was standing there with Sam, who looked just as sad as she was when I'd visited. I knew something was wrong, because they usually came right in. Once Mama left for work in the morning, the door just kinda stayed unlocked. I couldn't remember hearing about even one break-in where we lived. Sometimes, out in the bottoms—that's what we called the rough little part of town where the housing projects were—there'd be a robbery at the liquor store or something, but that was about it. So if you'd known us for more than an hour, there usually wasn't a need to knock. Much less ring the doorbell like we were fancy people or something.

When they finally did come inside, Sam looked up at me like she was really scared. We went into the kitchen and sat at the table. I asked what was going on and nobody said anything for a few minutes. Every once in a while, usually when they had really good news, they would act all sad before telling me whatever it was they wanted to tell me so that I'd worry about them for a minute or two. For whatever reason, I didn't think this was one of those times.

“Do you wanna' tell her or do you want me to do it?” Lynn asked Sam and then looked at me. “She's having a little bit of trouble with her voice today, apparently. Cottonmouth from changing all her meds.”

“They're sending me away.” Sam cleared her throat.

“Not away.” Lynn groaned. “She's going for some help.”

“What does that mean?” I asked, trying to figure out if they were pulling a prank on me or not.

“There's a really nice place in Hopkinsville.” Lynn started explaining, using the same voice she used when she was on the phone with anybody in customer service. “Dr. Mullins recommended a good doctor there and he wants to see her in an inpatient program.”

“An inpatient program.” I echoed, sounding like one of those parrots that repeated everything you said.

“It's thirty days.” Sam was sniffling now, scrubbing at her eyes with the backs of her hands. The bandages were still on her wrists, but now I could see a little bit of the stitching underneath the right one.

“They're gonna' get all her meds straightened out, figure out what she can do to feel better, and when she comes home, she'll be all good.” Lynn told me, because I guess she saw how stumped I looked.

“What about school?” I asked.

“They do school there.” Lynn said. “When she gets out, she can either go back to school or do correspondence studies from home.”

“What does that even mean?” I must've been looking at her like she was nuts.

“They send you books and study guides.” Sam explained. “Then you take tests on little bubble sheets and send them back to get graded.”

“And then they send you another book for another subject until you've finished the whole curriculum.” Lynn said, like it sounded like the greatest thing on earth. “She could even graduate early.”

Heather came into the kitchen with an empty bowl that she'd probably had cereal or something in. “Who could even graduate early?”

Sam rolled her eyes and scoffed.

“Sam.” Lynn told her.

“Oh, wow.” Heather said. “That's cool. I'm jealous.”

“Don't be.” Sam mumbled under her breath.

“Anyway,” Lynn patted the table a couple times, “We just came so she could hug you goodbye.”

“Is she allowed to have visitors?” I asked. “I could come up on weekends.”

“No visitors.” Sam sniffled. “Not even family.”

“That's crazy!” I yelled.

“Those are the rules.” Lynn shrugged her shoulders. “It'll be over before you know it.”

We all stood up and Sam wrapped her arms around my neck. It was almost tight enough to strangle me and I hugged her back just as tight. I wasn't sure what the longest I'd ever gone without seeing Sam since we met, but it wasn't anything close to a whole month. I didn't even know what I was gonna' do without her. I figured since I wasn't allowed to visit that phone calls were out of the question, too. Who was I supposed to tell anything to if anything noteworthy happened? I guessed Heather and Jenny would have to do in a pinch.

Lynn gave me a hug, too and I stood on the front porch, watching them back out of the driveway and get on the main road.

“Man.” I said, shutting the door after I came back inside. “This has been the worst week ever and it's only Wednesday.”

“And you've only got five days of freedom left.” Heather reminded me on her way back to her bedroom. “Speaking of which, I'm taking a nap.”

That didn't sound like a bad idea, but I hadn't been awake long enough and I hadn't eaten anything yet, either. While I was popping two pieces of bread into the toaster and pouring myself a cup of coffee, I heard the door open and Gary come into the kitchen.

“Did you hear about Sam?” He asked, taking his baseball cap off and dropping it in a chair.

“They just left here.” I told him. “It sucks.”

“It's good for her, though.” He said, wrapping his arms around my shoulders from behind and resting his chin on the top of my head. “She'll feel a lot better.”

“I know, but still.” I sighed real loud.

“Come on.” He let me go and patted me on the butt, making me giggle. “Get dressed. Let's go.”

“Can I at least eat breakfast first?” I looked at him like he was nuts and took my toast and coffee to the table. “And where are we going?”

“The baptist church out in Chandlers Chapel.” He said. “They've got an empty parking lot so you don't hit anybody with my truck.”

The toast that I had just stuffed in my mouth felt drier than it should have and acted like it didn't want to go down my throat. I had to choke it down with coffee before I could ask Gary what the hell was wrong with him.

“It's time.” He looked at me, real serious. “I learned how to drive when I was thirteen.”

“You live on a billion acres of land.” I told him. “You had to learn how to drive over all that space.”

“Don't you want to be able to do the same thing?” He asked me.

He looked like he was feeling a lot better than he was the night before. Or maybe, I thought, he was still mad as hell and wanted to take it out on me by making me do something that scared me half to death. But he wasn't wrong. I had to learn some time and it wasn't like I had anything else to do. Plus, I trusted Gary probably more than anybody on earth. Maybe even more than Mama because I was pretty sure she snooped in my room when I wasn't home, not that there was anything to find.

“Alright.” I tossed my other piece of toast in the garbage and chugged my coffee in two gulps. “I'll throw something on.”

He followed me into the bedroom and stood in the doorway of the closet while I looked for something I wouldn't sweat my ass off in outside.

“What?” I asked him.

“I'm just waiting for you to take your clothes off.” He grinned.

“Two seconds ago you were telling me to get dressed.” I walked past him with a pair of shorts and a baggy t shirt in my hands. “Now you want me to get naked?”

“You've got to get undressed before you can get dressed.” He said, grabbing me by the hand and pulling me up against him. He kissed me good and hard and let me go when I started to mess with his belt buckle.

“We can continue this if you're good during your driving lesson.” He joked, taking a few steps back and pointing at me.

“That's mean!” I whined, moving closer and watching him step further away. “You're so mean to me!”

“I promise.” He told me. “I'll be real nice once you've crossed this hurdle.”

“I'm not in field and track.” I rolled my eyes and went into the bathroom to change.

“I love you!” He called after me and I heard him laughing a little bit.

“Butt-head.” I chuckled under my breath.

He'd brought the little automatic Chevy S10 because he wasn't even gonna' attempt to try and teach me how to drive a stick. And he hadn't been wrong about the parking lot being empty. There wasn't a soul there. Since I never went out that way for anything, I wondered if the church was even open anymore. It looked like just a regular brick building. Maybe somebody was buying it to make it something else. Then I realized I was saying all this stuff out loud and Gary told me to stop stalling, I was gonna' be fine.

After I spent a good ten minutes trying to adjust the seat and mirrors and steering wheel and belt and sunglasses and everything, I put the truck in reverse and backed out of the parking spot he'd pulled into so slowly that I was pretty sure a turtle could beat me to wherever I was going.

“Is your foot even on the gas?” Gary was trying not to laugh.

“Yes, smart ass.” I grumbled at him, feeling my shoulders get tight from the stress. “I'm trying to be careful.”

“Push down with your foot just a little bit.” He instructed.

When I did, the truck jerked backwards just a little bit and I screamed before slowing down to a normal speed. I had to put my foot down all the way on the brake so I could take a deep breath and gather my bearings. After I got through backing out of the parking space without dying, I felt a little bit better. In a couple hours or so, I had figured out how to park within the lines and turn without almost hitting the little handicap parking post that was in the corner of the lot.

Gary was probably bored out of his mind by the end of it, but he still encouraged me to drive on the road, so I drove us back to his house and ignored him when he kept telling me that the speed limit was mostly just a suggestion. Every once in a while, a big truck would pass and I would feel like I was gonna' have a heart attack, but it really wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna' be. It was actually kind of exciting, and I figured that maybe a lot of that had to do with the fact that I had such a good teacher.

Eileen was on the phone in the kitchen when we got there and I overheard her on our way back to Gary's room.

“That's just awful, Lynn.” She was saying. “I'm gonna' say a prayer for both of you.”

I felt really bad because I'd almost completely forgotten about Sam. But just as soon as I started thinking about her, I stopped because Gary was keeping his promise from earlier that morning. Whenever he kissed me, I couldn't think about anything else and I know that sounds cliché, but it was true.

Just right when Gary's hand was making its way up my t shirt, we heard Eileen yell, “Garrick Michael Dulworth!”

I didn't mean to, but I laughed so loud I thought I might wake the dead. Never, in the years that I'd known them, had I heard Eileen yell her oldest son's full name. I'd never seen him in trouble for anything. Eileen joked that Gary was born a full grown man. Once he could walk and talk, he wasn't a kid at all anymore. Of course, I knew his full name. I think. I'm sure I'd heard somebody mention it at some point. But just hearing it yelled out loud made it hilarious.

“Uh-oh!” I giggled.

“Damn.” Gary breathed into my ear before sitting up straight. “What'd I do?”

Eileen at least gave him the courtesy of knocking, but she didn't wait for him to invite her in before the door swung open. She only looked a little bit mad, but even a little bit was bad when it came to sweet little Eileen Dulworth.

“Did you or did you not visit Sam in the hospital?” She asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I went to the hospital.” He said, which technically wasn't a lie.

She wasn't buying it. “Did you go into her room and speak to her?”

“No.” He shook his head. “Why would I do that?”

“Gary!” She scolded him. “That girl has been your friend since you were five!”

“Mom.” Gary pinched the bridge of his nose like he was so frustrated he couldn't stand it. “I didn't need to see her. It would've made her feel worse.”

“That's just about the most awful thing I've ever heard you say.” She told him, then looked at me. “Are you alright, baby girl?”

“Huh?” I looked up at her. “Uh, yeah. I'm fine. Thanks.”

“I'm gonna' get out of your hair, then.” She let out a big, deep sigh like she'd gotten all of her anger out and felt better. “But as soon as that girl comes home, you've got to spend some time with her.”

“Fine, Mom.” Gary nodded, looking at the ceiling.

As soon as the door closed, Gary fell back onto the bed and groaned. He pulled his hat off of his head and rested it over his face, reaching blindly for my hand. He kept tugging, telling me to lay next to him and snuggle up.

“I can't wait to be out of here.” He said, all muffled from his hat.

I snatched it up and tossed it so it landed on the foot post and spun around a little.

“Just think.” I told him, laying my head on his chest. “All that alone time.”

He rolled over and kissed me. Then we had a little bit of alone time right there.