A Summer Nowhere

Normally, I'd spend the night before the first day of school with Sam. Either I'd go to her house or she'd come to mine and we'd sit on her bed or my bed with all of our school supplies spread out between us, organizing them. I remember the first time we did that, finding out she liked to organize things to death before the first day of school, and being so happy that I wasn't the only one.

As it turned out, Heather had a really weird love for the school supply aisle in Walmart. It was like she used to live there at some point because she knew just exactly where everything was. If she saw something new, she'd flip out and stare at it for a few minutes, trying to decide if she wanted to buy it. Mama and I stood over by the spiral bound notebooks and three ring binders watching her go through packages of highlighters for the better part of the afternoon.

It was the Saturday before school started. Mama liked to go on the very last weekend because she said people were usually done by then and they always kept stuff restocked. She said she'd rather pay full prices for things if it meant she didn't have to wrestle her way through a crowd of people just to get some paper and pencils.

Heather liked to organize everything by size so that she knew how to put it in her book bag. I told her she was gonna' break her back carrying all that stuff around. I had two bags of stuff and she had six. She said that she wouldn't because she wasn't gonna' carry all of it at once. She had everything color coded in her binders with those subject dividers that had those tiny little tabs on them.

“Notes.” She was reading out loud. “Homework to turn in, assignments, graded assignments.”

I looked at her and I looked at my stack of simple, spiral bound notebooks with the little built in folders and wondered how somebody could get so excited about something so stupid. I'd never seen anybody get so excited about anything. Heather said she thought it was because life was really hard to control but at least she could get a handle on her education and I thought that was kinda deep.

For as dumb as she was, Heather sure did love school. And actually, as it turned out, she wasn't even that dumb. The only reason she'd been held back was because she spent the whole year after she'd gotten raped having nightmares that were so bad she just couldn't get it together in the morning. So she'd missed a ton of school and they made her repeat a grade. Ever since then, she said, she worked twice as hard.

“I love doing homework, Jobie.” Heather told me, finally looking up from her big, fat, organizational project that she'd taken up half of my bed with. “I love everything about it.”

“What is there to love about homework?” I asked, because I really, truly, genuinely wanted to know since that was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard anybody say in my life.

“Just sitting down and putting all your focus onto something.” She told me. “And then, when you're done, it's like... I don't know, such a relief.”

“Hmm.” I mumbled, because I honestly had no idea what to say to that. “Okay.”

“It's weird, I know.” She laughed.

Real carefully, she arranged everything inside her backpack, then she somehow zipped it shut and hauled it off of my bed.

“I'm gonna' go see if I can't turn my vanity into a desk.” She told me, smiling like she was thinking of something really nice. “I've never had a desk before.”

Neither had I, but I'd never felt like I needed one either. I just did my homework at the kitchen table or in the living room or on my bed like a normal person. I put all my stuff on my dresser, tossed a notebook and a pen into my book bag, and threw myself onto the bed. Hanging out with Heather was all well and good—she actually wasn't that bad—but I missed my best friend and I was waiting for Gary to get back from the courthouse. He was at Brad's hearing to see how much time they gave him or if there was gonna' be a trial. I told him there probably wouldn't be because what was there to have jury figure out? He admitted to doing it.

I took a shower to pass the time because Mama always said that as soon as you got in the shower, somebody was sure to knock on the door or call you on the phone. By the time I'd put clothes on and mostly dried my hair with a towel, Gary was coming through the door, slamming it behind him.

“What bills do you pay in my house to be slamming doors?” I heard Mama ask him from the couch and went out to see what was happening.

“Sorry.” He sounded like he was out of breath, like he'd run to my house from his instead of driving, but the blinds were open and I could see his truck in the driveway.

“What'd they say?” Mama and I asked at the exact same time.

“Eight years.” He told us, walking around and sitting down on the loveseat, patting the cushion next to him for me to sit down. “Judge Brown said it was two years for every person in our house.”

“How do you feel about that?” Mama asked, leaning forward to pat his hand. “Do you think that's enough?”

“No.” Gary looked at her like she was nuts and then shook his head. “He said he'd give him more if there'd've been more damage. But the fire only caught one of the trees, not enough to kill the roots, and nobody was hurt. So I guess it is what it is.”

I could tell he was a lot more upset than he looked, so I told him to come outside with me and we went out to the glider swing to just sit and talk. He said it made him feel like an asshole, but he said he wanted to kill Brad more for what he tried to do to me than what he did do to his parents' property. I told him that it didn't make him an asshole, but I thought his priorities were maybe a little bit out of whack. But he said that I was his number one priority and I wanted to punch something to stop from squealing like a little girl.

“Do you want me to pick you up in the morning?” He asked, doing that thing where he lifted my chin up with his bent forefinger.

“No.” I shook my head. “I'm gonna' ride the bus so Heather's not by herself.”

He looked at me like he was in pain and then said “If it means that much to you, she can ride with us.”

I had to laugh, because I realized that it physically hurt him to say that. Heather had annoyed him so much when they first met that he couldn't stand to be anywhere near her. He was gonna' have to get used to her, I guessed. And I figured that offering to let her ride to school with us was his way of trying. But I just couldn't do that to him.

“It's okay.” I told him, rubbing his arm to tell him I really appreciated the thought. “I'll just see you after.”

“I don't know what I'm gonna' do the whole day without you.” He rested his chin on the top of my head.

“You've got plenty to do.” I said. “You won't even miss me.”

“That's not true.” He said, almost whiny. “It took me forever to get you all to myself, now you're going back to school.”

“It's just one more year.” I reminded him.

“I know.” He let out a deep, dramatic sigh before pulling me into his lap like I didn't weigh any more than a feather pillow. “Then you're stuck with me forever.”

“Good.” I grinned, rubbing my nose against his like we were a couple of Eskimos. “Can't wait.”

“Me neither.” He said.

Gary and I kissed goodnight for a little while and then he went home to put all the horses away. I sat out on the swing until it started to get dark and then headed inside. Mama was putting away the dinner dishes from earlier in the evening and Heather was sitting at the kitchen table with the little case she used to carry all her nail polishes in. There were about a hundred.

“Ooh, Jobie!” She stopped me on my way to the fridge. “Let me paint your nails.”

I looked down at my nails. At some point, I didn't even remember when, Sam had painted them black. It must've been weeks before, and I didn't know how there was any left on them. But in the middle of each nail, there was a little jagged black dot and I figured it wouldn't hurt to freshen them up.

“What are you wearing tomorrow?” Heather asked as I sat down across from her. “Like what color?”

“I don't know.” I shrugged.

“Hmm.” She mumbled, tapping her finger on her bottom lip and looking like she was in deep thought. “Black goes with everything.”

I was shocked that she even owned black nail polish and she told me that for about five minutes, she'd gone through a goth phase. She said it lasted a little bit over a week, actually, and she went back to her old ways because she realized she couldn't tan. I got a real kick outta that.

So I let her paint my nails and I realized it was a lot more soothing than doing it yourself. She went all out. She pushed back my cuticles and rubbed oil all over my hands. It was like a tiny little spa experience. Not that I could compare it to one, since I'd never been to a spa in my life.

“You should go to school for this.” I told her, then looked up at Mama. “Do they have school for this?”

“Of course they do.” She said. “There's a couple of them in Bowling Green. I think you've gotta' learn hair, too, though.”

“I could do hair.” Heather said, looking back at me. “Can I do your hair for prom?”

“Prom is forever away.” I laughed, counting in my head. “Eight months. More than half a year.”

“I know, but can I?” She asked, looking like a little puppy asking for a treat.

“Sure.” I shrugged my shoulders. “Have at it.”

“Oh my gosh, it'll be so fun!” She squealed, getting back to work on my fingernails. “When it gets closer to time, we can look at different styles and practice to see what you like.”

“Okay.” I tried to pretend to be interested.

“I bet Gary gonna' look real handsome in a tux.” Mama grinned, sitting down at the head of the table and watching us.

“I bet I'll have to wrestle him into it, too.” I mumbled, trying to think of a way to get him to get all dressed up for something without getting into a big fight.

“Nah.” Heather shook her head, focusing real hard on painting my thumbnail. “He'd do anything for you.”

“Yeah.” I couldn't disagree with that.

“He's such a good guy. You're so lucky.” Heather didn't sound jealous when she said that, which I thought was a little bit weird. “It makes me think there are other good guys like him out there, you know?”

“Oh, Heather.” Mama sighed, like she was the most pitiful thing on earth.

Her and Mike had been seeing a lot of each other, but he was leaving for college at UK in a couple of weeks and told her, basically, that he wasn't really interested in seeing her anymore. To be honest, I thought that was really shitty of him because he didn't mind seeing her to hook up every other night. I was just glad I was across the house and didn't have to hear them. I was shocked that Mama hadn't caught him sneaking in or out of Heather's bedroom window. Then again, Mama was still upstairs.

I'm pretty sure that Brad getting arrested had a little bit to do with the whole thing and I didn't think that was fair to Heather because it wasn't her fault her brother was a psychopathic freak. Every time I thought about how Brad used to live in my house, I got cold chills. And not the good kind. What was to stop him from burning my house down next? I didn't understand it at all.

“Do you think Brad's gonna' learn his lesson?” Heather asked outta nowhere.

Mama looked at me and I looked at her and we both looked at Heather.

“I don't know.” Mama finally said. “I guess we'll see.”

“What's to stop him from getting out of jail early?” Heather asked. “Like, for good behavior or something. What happens then?”

“I don't know.” Mama repeated, shaking her head. “But try not to worry about it. Worrying's not gonna' do you any good.”

“I know, but still.” Heather let out a deep breath and shook her head. “I know he's my brother and I'm supposed to care about him or want him around or whatever, but I'm honestly just so glad he's gone.”

“Me too.” I agreed.

I waited there at the table like an idiot for almost an hour before Heather decided that my nails were dry enough for me to go about my business. So I just ended up sitting on the couch with Mama until I was too sleepy to sit up. I'd been getting up early in the morning for the past few days to train my body to be an early worm. It was ten o'clock, so I figured if I fell asleep right then, I'd get a good eight hours.

Instead, when I laid down, I ended up thinking about that whole entire summer and how crazy it had been. I did a recap in my head. I had kissed a boy I liked, got a piercing, got a boyfriend, lost my virginity, got dumped, got another boyfriend, got engaged, and got into a fight with my best friend who was now leaving me to go to some nut house.

Mama and Gary and Heather all tried their best to take Sam's place, but it wasn't the same thing and every time they tried, I just missed her a little bit more. This was worse, I decided, than getting dumped. It felt like I'd been abandoned by family. But then I mentally punched myself because I guessed maybe that's how Sam had felt when I stopped talking to her for that little while.

I tried to remember any of my friends that I had before I moved from Alabama and met Sam and I didn't even remember what anybody looked like. There was a boy I'd had a really big crush on, too. But I couldn't think of his name to save my life. It felt like nobody else even mattered. I had no other friends and I didn't care about any other boys. That couldn't've been normal for a seventeen year old girl.

I had two sets of grandparents that I used to see all the time. Both of them were back in Alexander City and I felt like they were total strangers. They sent me money every holiday and on my birthday and Mama talked to both of my grandmothers once a week and gave me updates. Grandpa Kelvin had a knee replacement and was doing good. Nana Doreen joined a new quilting circle at church. But I didn't care about any of that.

I felt kind of like one of those babies who cried whenever there parents left them anywhere. You could give them all the kisses and hugs and toys and treats in the world, and they're still just gonna' want there parents. I had everybody I needed, but I really just wanted to talk to Sam. Mama suggested I write her a letter, but I figured if she couldn't get phone calls, she couldn't get mail, either. And I didn't even know what I'd say without sounding selfish.

I miss you like crazy. Why did you have to go? Why couldn't you have just found a different doctor that didn't wanna' lock you away in a nut house for a whole month? Can't you break out once everybody else goes to bed and hitch a ride home? Can't you sign yourself out? Why does it feel like you've been gone ten years when it hasn't even been ten days? Why do you have to be so messed up in the head?

I couldn't say any of that.

Finally, after counting about a hundred thousand sheep, I fell asleep and swore up and down that I'd get up early for school in the morning.