Things Have Changed for Me (but It's Not Okay)

The radio was on, fulfilling his purpose of being a pleasant background noise, when Brendon walked into the tour bus. "It's indeed a shame that they never play it live anymore, maybe one day." The radio host went through the speakers. "Thanks for calling Katy, and for the listeners at home, don't forget the call and tell us your request for what to play next. Here is Panic! At The Disco with Northern Downpour."

The first chords were already playing before the host had finished talking. Brendon suddenly tensed, he couldn't listen or play Northern Downpour without tearing up. That's why they had banned it completely.

"Bren, are you okay?" Dallon asked, obviously concerned, he was familiar with the effect the song had on him. "Do I need to change the radio station?"

"No...No, it's fine." Brendon said, trying not to sound like he was about to cry, but still, his voice cracked a little. Dallon knew that he wasn't fine, but he decided, it was the best to let it go for now. Brendon was almost shaking when he sad down. As the song went on, his mind trailed of.

"I know the world's a broken bone, but melt your headache call it home." Brendon remembers the first time Ryan had let him read those lyrics, how Ryan told him to pay special attention to that line.

He remembered everything, the first time they met, ho they slowly fell in love with each other. Secretly making out when they were sure no one was watching. The sex. Oh god, the sex. Sarah is amazing in bed, but she never came close to Ryan.

of course, together they made sure that no one would ever find out about their relationship. Jon and Spencer knew, some close friends and family as well, and the fans had their suspicions. Okay, maybe it was a little bit too obvious that they loved each other, but how do you hide such love from the rest of the world.

Brendon wonders, maybe if everything went right, maybe the would have come out to the world together.

Brendon also remembered the fights. Fights over music, lyrics. Fights over which outfit they should wear for a show. Fights over everything, leaving doors open, not putting toilet seats down. Fights over who ate the last cookie. Ryan was merciless. Brendon remembers Ryan's endless name-calling. Ryan was creative with words and with each name, he showed Brendon why he was the one who wrote all the lyrics.

He remembered how Ryan always came back to Brendon in the end, how they both promised that they'll never fight again, until one day it was enough.

"Bren, Jon and I have talked about it, we're leaving the band." Brendon had stared at him with big eyes, the realization of what Ryan just had said slowly sunk in.

The only thing he could choke out was: "What do you mean." In the hope he had misunderstood his boyfriend.

"I mean, we're breaking up, enough is enough. And I can't stay in a band with my ex, and Jon just isn't happy here, he says that he wants to make his own music. " Ryan said.

By the time the song had ended, Brendon's cheeks were soaking wet.

"Seriously Bren, you're crying, are you sure it's okay? " Dallon's voice snapped him out his train of thoughts.

Suddenly Brendon started yelling. "Seriously Dallon, do I look okay. Do I look o-fucking-kay? It's never okay! And it will never be okay! "

And with that he jumped up and stormed out of the bus, leaving a baffled Dallon behind him.

***************

Brendon walked fifty meters over the parking lot until he realised that he had no idea where he was going. He put his hands in his pocket and found his cell phone. He didn't exactly know why, or what he was going to say, but he scrolled through he contacts and dialled Ryan's number.

The phone rang two times before Ryan picked up and his soft and familiar voice went trough the phone.

"Hello?"

Brendon actually felt butterflies in his stomach, just hearing Ryan's voice was enough.

"He Ry, it's me. I called because..."

Before Brendon could finish his sentence, he was interrupted."Sorry, but I've no idea who this is last month I've..."

This time it was Brendon who interrupted Ryan. "You deleted my number you fuck face! You told me we would stay friends, you told me I could always call you, but you didn't even recognise my number. You are unbelievable! If you hate me that much, , just say so!"

Maybe Brendon should have let Ryan finish, but his emotions got the best of him.

The line went silent for a while until a small voice asked: "Brendon, is that you?"

"Yes it's me god dammit." Brendon was extremely irritated now.

"Well Brendon, if you would have let me finish, you would know that last month my phone crashed and I lost all of my contacts. I never deleted it on purpose. I didn't know if I should ask you for your number again on Facebook or something, because you said you never wanted to see me again. You said I should never call you again, you don’t even follow me on Twitter."

With every word Ryan said Brendon realised how much he had hurt Ryan too.

"I'm sorry." Brendon said with a crack in his voice and more tears streaming down his face.

"Call me again when you want to talk instead of scream at me. " Ryan sighted and hung up.

Brendon dropped his phone and fell on his knees. His shoulders shocked and the endless stream of tears just kept coming.

Brendon lay on his back in the parking lot. He just stayed there. After a while it started raining, but Brendon didn't move. Brendon didn't even move when Zack came to bring him inside. Zack picked him up from the ground and carried him into the bus and into his bunk. Brendon was almost too tired to sleep, but after a few more hours he fell in restless and nightmare filled sleep.

Fin