Fire and the Flood

Hunter was buried on a Thursday.

I stood beside my mother and father, not having spoken more than a few words to either of them since my arrival the night before. My mom gripped my hand, a tissue pressed to her nose as she tried to control her endless tears. For the most part, I stayed silent as people gave their condolences, hugging me and telling me that everything would be all right, that time eventually heals all wounds.

To be honest, I wanted nothing more than to scream every time someone said those five words.

The fact that my own brother was no longer with us still hadn’t registered in my mind yet. I was half expecting him to push open his casket and jump out in some sick, twisted joke, yelling something along the lines of “Gotcha! Fooled you!” Like he often did after one of his pranks.

But instead, a crowd of his high school friends and my own, our family, and numerous teachers, co-workers, and neighbors all stood around the plot of dug up earth to pay their respects. There was no laughing, no joking—only the occasional sniffle from my mom, or someone clearing their throat.

I looked up from the patch of grass I’d been staring at, only to unintentionally meet the gaze of the last person I wanted to see. Instead, I drifted my eyes over to those who were standing next to him, all looking somber as they listened to the priest recite a passage from the book of Psalms. For just a brief moment, I saw Jared’s eyes dart from me, to John, and back to me again. John stood stoic, his normally bright green eyes clouded with grief, watching one of his childhood friends be placed into the ground far too early.

The crowd dispersed soon after the readings were finished, the only ones trailing behind close friends and family. I couldn’t even bear to look at my mother, the shaking of her hand in mine enough to give me an image of her crumbling features. My dad cleared his throat, putting his arm around her before leading her away.

Jared was the first to approach me, a weak smile on his face that didn’t quite reach his eyes as he held his arms out for a hug.

“Hey, Cade,” he mumbled as he engulfed me, his arms squeezing my torso tight. “How’ve you been?”

“Better, I guess,” I shrugged, my eyes trailing behind him to the six people behind him. Garrett, his girlfriend Lindsey, Kennedy, Pat, Jared’s girlfriend Emma, and John all stood, looking everywhere in my general direction except for me. Emma was the first to break the silence, her soft voice cutting the tension like a knife.

“We’ve missed you, Cadence,” she smiled, pulling me into another embrace which I gladly accepted. “All of us.”

I could have sworn I heard a scoff, my eyes darting back to the only person who would have had the nerve to do so. I shot him a glare, about to open my mouth to rip into him, but Garrett cut me off before I could do so.

“John, let’s go,” he demanded, nodding his head in the direction of the cemetery exit. He gave me an apologetic look as I stared at him, John’s eyes refusing to meet my own. John nodded, turning his back toward us as he stalked away from our gathering, Garrett following closely behind him.

“I think this is just a lot for him,” Emma sighed, taking my hand in hers. I could only nod, silently agreeing with her. “C’mon, let’s get you home.”

–

3 weeks later

Things were different, but they were slowly getting better.

Emma, Garrett, and Jared were the three constants in the weeks following my brother’s death, one of them always either by my side or texting me to see how I was. They’d invite me out, trying to coax me to get drinks or head to a party across town. I declined every time, keeping myself confined to my house. Going out still didn’t feel right to me. One Friday afternoon, Kennedy had even shown up at my doorstep, although that just turned into a 3 hour-long conversation with him, my mom and I before he had to run to band practice.

But of course before he left, he just had to slip in something about John. “He’s worried about you, you know? He just doesn’t know how to show it.”

“Yeah, Kennedy, I get it,” I sighed, rolling back on my heels as we stood in the doorway. “You should have seen the look on his face when I walked in to my kitchen three weeks ago.” I shook my head, recalling the exact moment his facial features dropped at the sight of me. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so angry.”

“He’s confused,” Kennedy nodded. “I mean, you guys were so close, and then you just left. We all understand why, but I think it really hit him the hardest.”

I nodded, not knowing what to say next. Instead, Kennedy pulled me into a hug, giving me a kiss on the side of my head. “A few of us are getting together later on tonight. John shouldn’t be there, it’s Shane’s birthday so I think he and his family are all going out. You should come.” He looked at me with hopeful eyes, a smile toying on his lips as I rolled my eyes.

“Fine,” I smiled, unable to resist breaking Kennedy’s good mood. “But I’m not driving, one of you losers can pick me up.”

“There’s the Cadence I know and love!” he exclaimed, hugging me hard enough again that I thought my ribs were going to break. “I’ll pick you up around 9, sound good?”

I nodded, causing Kennedy to smile even wider as he backed out of the doorway before bolting to his car. I watched as he sped off, leaning against the doorframe as the familiar feeling of dread started to sink in.

John won’t be there. Was my mantra for the rest of the afternoon. He’s celebrating Shane’s birthday. He won’t be there.

Around 8:30, I knelt in front of my barely-unpacked suitcases, scrambling to find something to wear. Kennedy had texted me moments before, letting me know he was leaving soon and would be at my house a little before 9. I tossed shirts and pants behind me, before finally coming across an old flannel that I hadn’t worn in ages and a pair of destroyed shorts that were definitely too short.

Before long, Kennedy’s car was in my driveway, the shrill horn cutting through my quiet neighborhood. He started honking out a rhythm, and I immediately began thinking of ways I could kill him without anyone knowing. I saw the shit-eating grin that was plastered across his face as soon as I stepped out of my front door, taking care to lock it behind me.

“Could you be any more annoying?” I huffed, sliding into the passenger seat.

“Oh, most definitely,” he laughed before throwing his car into drive and speeding out of the cul de sac.

Scottsdale and Phoenix passed by as we made our way to Tempe, the drive going much quicker than I had hoped. Ever since Kennedy said he was picking me up, I had a knot in my stomach. He must have sensed it, because as soon as we pulled up in front of Pat’s house, he cut the engine and turned to me.

“Look, Cade, I know this isn’t gonna be easy for you,” he began, running a hand through his hair. “I mean, we love that you’re back, but a lot’s happened in the past couple of weeks. We don’t expect you to be on your A game all the time, we’re here for you, all of us,” Kennedy smiled softly, which I gratefully returned.

“I know, it’s just so strange being back, you know? I felt like I went from 100 miles an hour right down to zero in a matter of days,” I sighed, my eyes feeling that familiar stinging sensation that had been plaguing them for the past three weeks. “I’m thankful for you guys.”

With that, Kennedy engulfed me in an awkward hug over his center console before getting out of the car. I could smell the fire before we even made it to Pat’s backyard, the crackling of embers loud enough to hear from the other side of the fence. Tom Petty was flowing through the speakers, Jared, Emma, and Garrett all shouting along at the top of their lungs.

“Cadence!” Emma shouted, catching Lindsey’s attention as well. The two came rushing over to me, both of them pulling me into a tight embrace. “Thank God you’re here, we need one more person for flip cup.”

I laughed at the two, shaking my head as they pulled me over to the table where everyone stood in rows on opposite sides of each other. Pat stood across from me at the table, his face already flushed pink from the alcohol.

“You’re going down, Carter,” he gave a playful snarl. I gave him my best menacing look as Kennedy counted down the start of the first round. When it got to my turn, I downed the contents of my cup, slamming it on the edge of the table and flipping once, twice before I got it, Pat just barely finishing his drink.

The game continued well until everyone was good and drunk, I a little more than I should have been. Lindsey suggested that we gather around the fire again, Jared being the one to get the flames going again. For the first time since being home, I felt at peace with myself, surrounded by my close friends.

The peaceful feeling didn’t last long, however. Almost as quick as my high had come on, both from the mysterious joint that one of the guys had produced and the feeling of genuine elation, it was gone.

“You guys are never going to believe what happened to Shane at—“ John’s laughter stopped as soon as he reached where we were all gathered in a circle, his eyes nowhere else but me. “Dinner.”

“JohnOhh! Come join us, drink and be merry!” Jared exclaimed, slinging his arms around both Emma and Pat. John’s eyes flickered from mine to Jared’s before taking a tentative seat next to Kennedy. I shot Kennedy a panicked look, but his head was turned the opposite way toward Garrett. Suddenly, it felt like I couldn’t breathe.

“I’ll be right back,” I murmured to no one in particular, shooting up out of my seat and all but running into the house. Thankful that I still remembered the layout of Pat’s house, I made my way through the dimly lit hallway to the bathroom, kneeling down against the tile floor to hang my head in the porcelain bowl as I prayed that the contents of my stomach wouldn’t come bubbling up.

“God, Cadence, get your shit together,” I cursed at myself, my eyes burning with tears. I dry heaved once more, my stomach still threatening to turn.

“Cady?” a soft voice came from the doorway. I picked my head up, turning to face no one else but John, his face contorted into a sad, painful looking smile. “I need to talk to you.”

And then I blacked out.