Fire and the Flood

The one thing I had always loved about Arizona was the heat. Even in the middle of November, the warmth of the sun was still present even after it had long set. I could drive around Tempe with my windows down and the sun roof open, the feeling of the wind whipping around me like nothing else I could ever compare. I had almost forgotten how freeing it was while I was in New York, the cramped subways and stuffy taxis hindering my ability to feel the wind in my hair and sun on my face.

Three days had passed since John texted me the photo of Hunter, himself and I. I couldn’t bring myself to reply; instead, I saved the picture and deleted the message before I could save his number. I knew if I replied right away I wouldn’t have time to think things over, and I knew things wouldn’t be as easy as they were two years ago. I felt a crushing weight on my shoulders, but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to let it go. Instead of talking to John like I should have, I let my thoughts stew.

But when Jared had called me earlier demanding I show up to Emma’s surprise birthday party that night, I realized I was going to have to face him a lot sooner than I was prepared to.

“He’s going to be there, you know.” Jared had warned on the phone earlier.

“I know,” I grimaced, hoping he couldn’t hear the uncertainty in my voice. “But Emma’s my friend, I’m going to celebrate her.” I tried to be positive, hoping it was a convincing enough answer for him. Judging by the groan of frustration he let out, he wasn’t swayed so easily.

”He’s been a wreck, Cade,” Jared sighed. I could picture him running his hand over his face in frustration. ”He’s been drinking ever since he sent you that photo of the three of you. He just wants you to talk to him, he feels awful.”

“Maybe he should have thought about it before he sent it,” I bit my lip, suddenly feeling a surge of anger coming at me head on. “He’s trying to get under my skin, Jared.”

Jared let out a dry laugh on the receiving end of the phone. “He’s trying to be there for you.”

“Well he’s doing a great job, obviously,” I scoffed sarcastically as I took the exit off the freeway for Scottsdale.

“He thinks you need to talk to someone,” Jared replied, albeit much more hesitantly this time. At the same time, I swerved out of the way of an oncoming SUV, slamming on my brakes as the other car blared its horn.

“Jesus Christ,” I muttered, pulling over to the side of the road. I leaned forward, resting my head on the steering wheel. Jared was shouting frantically on the other end of the phone, most definitely worried out of his mind.

“Cadence? What happened? Are you oka—“

“I’m fine, Jared. I’ll see you at the party,” I hung up before he could say anything else. For a split second, I let myself break, a tear slipping from my eye as I clutched the wheel. I took a deep, shaky breath, and regained my composure. Pulling off of the side of the road, I took the long way home, winding down the streets that were still so familiar to me.

As I approached my parent’s house, I noticed a large, white Jeep parked behind their car, instantly piquing my curiosity as to who they had invited over. I pulled my keys out of the ignition, locking the doors before making my way up the front walk of my house.

“Mom? Dad?” I called out, hanging my keys on the rack by the door. When there was no answer, I continued up the stairs to my room to get ready for the night ahead.

My plans, however, were put on hold when I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sight of a tall, lanky figure standing at my bookshelf when I turned on the light. I let out a shriek, obviously startling John, who had nearly dropped the photo frame in his hands. His eyes were wide, bewildered, like he didn’t expect me to be home so soon.

“How the fuck did you get in my house, John?” I spat as soon as I registered that this wasn’t some episode of Punk’d, and John was actually standing in my room.

“I have to talk to you,” he began slowly. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days, the bags under his eyes making his already thin face look even slimmer.

“That doesn’t answer my question,” I was seething, my eyes dropping from his to the photo frame in his hands. “What are you doing?”

John looked baffled, as if he didn’t even have an answer for standing in the middle of my room on a Saturday afternoon. He looked from the frame to me, and back again before I marched over to him and snatched it out of his hands. “Why are you going through my things?” I looked down at the photo, hot tears threatening to spill out of my eyes.

“I—I didn’t mean to—“

“Then why are you here?” I placed the frame back on my shelf, back in its original position. It was a photo of Hunter and I, taken at some party we’d gone to in high school.

“Because I need answers,” John finally answered, his voice barely above a whisper. “It’s been nearly a month and a half since you’ve been back, Cady. You’ve spoken to everyone except me, I need to know what I did.” His voice was strained as he rubbed the back of his neck with the hand that he didn’t shove into the front pocket of his pants. I took a step toward him, and it was then that I could smell the alcohol on his breath like Jared had mentioned earlier.

“You’ve been drinking,” I stated. I couldn’t deal with him, not yet. Not when I wasn’t prepared and he didn’t ambush me in my own bedroom to talk about his feelings.

“This is what I fucking mean, Cadence!” He snapped, his tone startling the both of us. He looked surprised for a moment, almost as though he would apologize before opening his mouth again. “No matter what I do or say, you try to sweep it under the carpet like I’m a piece of dirt, like it doesn’t matter.”

My heart felt like it was dropping into my stomach. “That’s not true,” I mumbled weakly.

“Then why haven’t you texted me back? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming home?” His voice was cracking, and I was starting to lose my patience. “Why didn’t you tell me anything?”

After the first time Hunter had been diagnosed with cancer, I closed myself off from the guys, Emma, Lindsey, even my parents. He used to joke that it was harder on me than it was on him, and I think he was right to an extent. With Hunter’s final push once he was in remission, I had dropped out of the business program at ASU, and moved across the country to New York to start working at a small fashion startup. I’d promised the girls that I’d keep in touch, but not much else.

The guys had just gotten back from tour the night I left to start the first leg of my three-day journey. I had just finished packing my final suitcase into the car, when Garrett’s small, yellow car had pulled up outside of my house. Much to my surprise, John was the one getting out of the driver’s side door, making his way across my front lawn to where I stood watching. There was a determined look on his face, and a certain kind of fire in his eyes that I could still picture to this day.

Before I knew it, John’s lips were pressing against my own, his teeth knocking against my own before he pulled away.

“You can’t go to New York,” he sputtered out breathlessly.

“Why?” I asked, my eyebrows kinking up in question.

“Because I’m in love with you, Cadence.”

That was two years and three months ago.

“I didn’t tell you anything because I didn’t know how,” I mumbled, crossing my arms across my chest as I stared at the tattoo on his wrist that was peeking out from his shirt.

John scoffed as he rolled his eyes, tugging at his hair while he paced around my bedroom. “Didn’t know how? I tell you that I love you, and you think I didn’t deserve to know where the hell you were running off to? That’s real rich, Cadence.”

I couldn’t remember the last time I had ever seen John so angry. I swallowed, hoping the bundle of nerves in my throat would disappear as I struggled to find my voice.

“You didn’t—I couldn’t—“ I stuttered as hot tears began to stream down my face. John stared at me expectantly, his nostrils flaring as his eyes practically bore a hole into the side of my face. I wiped at my cheeks, but the stream wouldn’t stop.

“You couldn’t what, Cadence?” he seethed.

“I couldn’t tell you I loved you back because I was scared, John! You don’t get to go away for six months and not speak to me, then come back and tell me your feelings when you find out I’m moving across the country,” I cried, finally snapping at him. “I wasn’t the only selfish one.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” he spat, crossing his arms across his chest.

“It means that you’re not allowed to be angry at me for leaving, because you left me when I needed you the most.”

John’s shoulders fell, an exasperated sigh escaping his lips. He perched on the edge of my bed, hands gripping the comforter as he stared at his shoes.

“When Hunter got sick, I needed someone. You said you would always be there for me, and you weren’t,” I wiped away more tears from under my eyes before sitting down next to him. “Instead, you left for six months. I felt like I didn’t know who you were.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice barely audible.

“I think you should go.”

Without so much of a glance his way, I felt my bed shift and listened for the soft click of my door before I fell back against my pillows, hoping that tonight would go as smoothly as possible.