A Flame to a Cold Memory

“Dahlia, please, just tell us the truth.” Millie was trying to coax the truth out her, sitting crossed legged in front of her as the others sparsely stood around.

“I am.” They hadn’t been accepting this answer since they had returned.

“This is hopeless,” Jaden cut in. “Just tell us, alright? We won’t do anything.”

“Why would I be lying to you?” Dahlia questioned quietly, feeling if she had just ran a little faster or a little earlier she wouldn’t be in this situation.

“Try and tell us again.” Millie encouraged. “All that there is.”

“It was a little over a year ago, in the dead of summer. I woke up buried in the ground. There was dirt in my mouth, I could barely breathe. I was wrapped in this scratchy canvas tarp, I was sore all over. My hair was cut off. How can I describe the feeling of clawing your way out of the cold, wet dirt? Your own grave.” Dahlia swallowed that feeling of waking up buried and forgotten, remembering everything vividly.

“I felt like some sort of larva coming up to the light for the first time. I didn’t even notice this stupid scar until I had gained some sort of conscious for what the hell was going on. I have no memories. Nothing. And that is the truth, okay? I don’t even know my name and the only memory of my past I have is this vivid picture of a dahlia flower, that’s why I gave it as my name.”

“What about all the other scars on your arm? Where did those come from?” Jaden patience was clearly dissipating at a rapid rate, only leaving desperation.

“I already told you, I’m not talking about that. It’s private.” Dahlia looked down at her lap, her hands clasped tightly together to the point of shaking into each other.

“You don’t get privacy anymore. Not with what you got on you.” Jaden stated with superiority, like Dahlia would bend to his whim if he just continued to push her.

“Then you’ll have to beat it out of me!” Dahlia snapped. “It’s a part of me that has grown from this life and not my past. These scars are not a product of the one you’re so focused on.”

“I don’t believe you’re as innocent as you’re presenting yourself to be.” Jaden pressured.

“Jaden, please, just let it go. I think she’s telling the truth.” Millie got up to her feet, walking over to her brother like she would have some sort of hold over him.

“Why shouldn’t we beat it out of her?” Jaden only had eyes for what had captured his attention for the last two hours.

Dahlia clamored to her feet at the threat. She backed herself against the wall, her chest squeezing into a fit of nerves and fright. This reaction seemed to visceral, to familiar. Would they actually lay their hands on her? Was a dead clump of healed skin and stunted nerves so important to them to do that?

“That is not who we are!” Millie snapped, shoving Jaden a little back.

“No, Millie, it isn’t. It’s who he is. Maybe giving her a taste of something that’s true to her nature will jog her memory a little.” Jaden was already around Millie, his feet skidding to a stop in front of Dahlia with a hand raised and cocked.

She threw herself to the ground, her hands covering her head. A river of pain threaded through her body, a layering of bruises and beating fists planting themselves black and blue behind her eyes until it left a yellow light in their wake. She was trembling, cheeks dripping with the stinging saltiness of awareness that this was not a new thing. This was learned.

A hit never came though. Only a thin shift of sand settling onto her skin as she waited. Her body still frozen, heart sinking back into her spine to hide from the pain seeking to it. There was a pool of darkness sticking to the sides of her brain like dried tar, mocking that it was invited back and it would never leave her again.

“What the hell is wrong with you!” The disappointed shrill was a cloud of sound through Dahlia’s ears.

394 days alive. I have nothing to show for it. This is becoming too much.

“Too much. This is enough.” Dahlia muttered to herself as her eyes looked through the curtain of hair cluttering her vision.

Her hand reached back, voices still arguing around her. No one was minding her anymore but the actions of someone else. Fingers gripping the hilt of the hunter’s knife in the belt still around her, she yanked it out. Her knees sank further into the sand as she leaned up just a little, her decorated arm telling her it was time to add more. She hadn’t in so long. A tradition becoming lost. She dug the tip of the blade into her skin once, twice, thrice, over and over until someone yanked it from her. Blood crusting under her fingernails, she looked up confused.

“Stop! Dahlia, no!” Harper had yelled at her, looking horrified at the blood dripping into the sand with heaviness.

“I’m punishing myself. That is what is happening, right? Punishment is meant for those who stray from truth.” Dahlia had no recollection of the things she was saying.

“Are you happy with yourself?” Millie looked disgustedly at Jaden, who was looking to the fresh cuts on Dahlia’s arm.

“Yes.” It was all but a whisper from his mouth. He came down next to her, a hardness etched around his eyes. “What does that mean?”

Dahlia’s head was pounding. She was lost in the reality around her. “It means everything. What do you mean?”

“Let’s clean you up, Dahlia.” Millie’s voice was shaking.

“No, just let me talk to her a little more.” Jaden turned and looked up to her.

“I think it’s just about time you fucked off, Jaden.” Millie shoved her way around him, having
him fall back onto the sand but he stayed, looking forward in some pensive thought.

Dahlia was aware of Millie helping to her feet but she was not aware of her thoughts. She was not aware of who was in her head. And she was not aware why a phantom came out of her like the spit from fire.

◦◦

It had taken two days for someone to let Dahlia be alone. Millie and Harper insistently shadowed her, much to Dahlia’s dismay. She hadn’t spoken much. She was lost to much in her thoughts and what she had said without want. Harper and Millie had carefully touched on the subject of what happened, attempting to get a little something out of her. Dahlia didn’t have anything to give them though. She had let out all that she could. But it had been two days, and she was finally sitting by herself, watching the sunset, trying to continue on like nothing had happened.

“Hey.” Conner took a seat next to her. “I hope that this is still okay.” Dahlia didn’t glance at him. “Sunset is different tonight.”

Dahlia took the bait. “How so?”

“The sun seems further away. Everything is more muted than usual.” Conner shrugged, “maybe it’s just my perspective though.”

“It’s a sunset, it’s not meant to be philosophical.” She responded.

“They’re the opposite for me. It’s a time to reflect and think.”

“It’s a time of quietness for me.” Dahlia told him passively.

“Noted.” Conner stopped talking for just a few seconds before he ignored what Dahlia had told him. “But just to let you know, everyone is really worried about you and we don’t even care about the scar anymore.”

“Really? Seemed like a bit of a big deal the other day.” Dahlia looked at him for the first time since they had started talking, a glint of constraint in her eyes. “You all completely barreled over me with no remorse. I should’ve left as soon as I had the chance.”

“That’s not fair, Dahlia. Knowing what we know, you probably would’ve done the same thing.” She was surprised that he had the brazenness to defend himself.

“Yet no one has told me what the hell it was all about. I was the enemy and that was that. I didn’t get a fair trial before you all started interrogating me.”

“I could tell you if you want. You never asked.” Conner offered.

“I think I’m better off just getting up and walking away right now but I can’t because I’d probably be chased down again.”

“Probably true.” Silence fell between them again. It wasn’t long before Conner broke it again.

“Are you sure though?” He asked.

“Goodnight, Conner.” Dahlia brushed the sand from her skin as she got up and walked away, ignoring the gnawing curiosity that was coming over her.

◦◦

Dahlia had went to the bed hours ago with the intent of falling asleep, trying to get better as fast as she could so she could leave. It had been a thought lately that she didn’t remember anything because she was meant to be cut out of the world because she didn’t belong in. She had no roots, no beginnings or endings. She had no love or love in return to her. She had only herself, the chilly air surrounding her, and the salt washing itself against her cheek from the ocean spray.

The sand didn’t feel as relaxing as it usually did. It was scratchy and rough. The gradients didn’t conform to her, they stabbed her like tiny needles. It was realized that things were right until they were wrong because nothing seemed itself anymore. She didn’t feel like the self she had formed, her mind was like the end of a frayed wire. The further she had walked down the beach, the no better she felt. Eventually, she plopped down again, knees buried up against her chest.

A minute passed before she heard footsteps swashing in the sand towards her. She jumped to her feet, ready to run if need be. But the approaching stepped didn’t quicken or slow. The only light was the crescent moon, but even then it was darker than an oil slick out.

“Are you running again?” She didn’t relax when the shadowed edges of Jaden’s face appeared before her.

“What if I am?” She questioned, crossing her arms.

“Well, I won’t stop you. Not again, it won’t be worth it.” The answer was surprising.

“Then why are you out here? Did you follow me?” Dahlia felt more vulnerable than she already did.

“Millie woke up, saw you weren’t there. She made me come out here to look for you. She actually cares about you whether you believe it or not.” Jaden seemed indifferent to the fact.

“Can you blame me if I don’t?” she asked.

“Kind of, yeah.” Again, this answer was a surprise.

“How could you say that after what you did?”

“After what I did?” Jaden let out a dry laugh, “I wish you’d stop playing this facade you’re putting on.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Dahlia had been confused by Jaden’s attitude towards her since the beginning.

“You have it backwards here, Dahlia. You act like we’re the ones that can’t be trusted when you’re the one with the past.” Jaden started to pace around like a nervous mutt, a hand tugging at the ends of his hair.

“I mean, you have that goddamn scar. You haven’t said a word about your past, although you claim you don’t remember any of it, which make everything even more suspicious convenient?”

“I really have no idea what you’re talking about.” Dahlia sighed, frustrated with all the tension that was being placed around her. No one would tell her why she the conniving son of a bitch that she was being accused of being.

“Stop lying!” He shouted, losing his composure for a heartbeat. “What do you want for them?”

“How about you explain what is going on!” Dahlia shook, “I feel like I’m losing my mind! Just can someone explain what the hell this is all about?”

“That bastard! Fidus, you’re working for him! You look like someone who’d know him. Sure have the characteristics at least. Quiet, obedient, beaten into submission probably judging by how you handled having a hand raised at you. It all comes down to the scar of having your tracker ripped out.” Dahlia stood there, bewildered by all that Jaden was spewing at her.

“But that has stumped me though. Ripping your tracker out. They put those in at birth, the wires grow into your muscles as you get older. It’s not easy to remove. So why go through all the trouble of doing so? Probably to make you seem innocent. Just give it up though, Dahlia. The act is up. I can smell him on you.”

“Jaden!” Millie’s voice was trailing up from a distance, a light bobbing with movement.

Dahlia stayed silent though. She thought hard, could she be planted here? Was all of this meant to happen? Was she meant to be damned from the first conscious moment she remembered?

This could all go away if they’d just drown me in the ocean already.

“I’ve got it under control, Millie!” Jaden had turned from her, walking towards his sister.

“I heard shouting.” Her breath was spent, the flashlight dangling from her hand.

“I think I’m getting to her,” Dahlia heard being whispered from Jaden.

“Jaden.” Dahlia couldn’t see Millie’s look of exacerbation, “just drop it already. I don’t think she is what you think she is.”

The flashlight was taken from Millie and Jaden hustled up in front of Dahlia. She stumbled back, startled by the sudden movement. She was blinded by the light being waved in her face.

“It would all be so much easier if you’d just admit it.” Jaden seemed to be losing patience, his nerve for waiting.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Her body trembled with desolation.

The light was moved closer to her and she turned her head, eyes watering from the intensity. A hand was on her head suddenly and she threw herself away from the touch. She shook her head, a tingling running down the back of her neck.

“Just stop it!” She yelled, chest heaving and breath panting.

“Dahlia.” Her name was spoken with a sudden tone of understanding but she missed it in a feverish panic.

She looked towards the light again. Everything felt cold and hard, a sharp feeling of metal against the palm of her hands and the back of her calves. The light seemed to grow further away and whiter. The tips of her fingers stung like they had been dipped in acid. The sides of her head where the hand had touched felt as if it were melting away. Dahlia looked down at the sand but saw none of it . Everything metal and cold. Everything bright and blinding and confining. Her legs gave out from under her as did her breath.

“I just want it to stop.” Her muscles locked in place, toes curling under each other tight enough to break from their joints, her knuckles about to rip from their tendon cloaked housing.

The only thing to break through was the feeling of being squeezed. It didn’t match with what else was going on around her. “It’s okay, Dahlia. You’re safe. You’re okay.”

“I’m not okay. Something isn’t okay.” She was being held tighter.

“We believe you.” Millie’s voice was far away. “You’ll be okay.”

I am not okay.