Beyond Redemption

In a matter of a few short days, a lot of things started happening for me. The album was finished and set to be released just a few weeks down the road, we'd play a record release show and that was it. After the show my reason for being in America was gone and I would have to book my flight back to Helsinki.

On the other hand, Jonna was doing her best to finalize our divorce, giving herself as much as she could including the house, the car, and alimony. I thought it was bullshit but all I could do was fight it and hope for the best. I kept thinking that maybe if I just stayed in America I could avoid my problems back home, but that would only work for so long anyway.

I started packing for my, hopefully brief, trip to Finland and I couldn't believe how unhappy I was about it. When I left, I thought I'd be dying to come back, I thought I'd be relieved, but instead I was dreading it and couldn't wait to get back to America. I shoved clothes in a small suitcase, enough for about a week, and zipped it shut. I figured I had everything else I needed at home already and even packing as much as I did might have been unnecessary.

I booked my flight for the next day, that way I'd have time to tell everyone I was leaving. I decided to send Linde, Mige, Bam, Jamie, and our keyboardist Burton a message asking to meet me at the bar around 7. I felt it was easiest to just explain things all at once, in a general sense of course.

I was actually surprised when I found that I was the last one at the bar. Everyone seemed to be a little confused, though I couldn't expect them not to be.

I sat down on the end next to Jamie who greeted me with her lovely smile and a soft "Hey you."

"Hey." I felt kind of bad for news I brang, but at least I wasn't leaving for good yet. "So everyone, let's get down to the reason I called you all here." I announced, getting everyone's attention. "I have to take a trip back home for a while, and I'll be leaving tomorrow. I've already booked the flight and everything, so it's set in stone." Mige, Linde, and Burton looked slightly worried, and I figured it was because of the show. Can't do a show without the singer. "I'll be back within a week or so, so don't worry, I'll be here for the realse show." Relief washed over their faces, and I could only hope that was a promise I could keep.

"What the hell are you leaving for?" Bam asked. I'd forgotten that I hadn't really kept anyone in the loop about the divorce. I'd really only told them what they had to know regarding the separation.

"Well, Jonna and I are finalizing some things with the divorce and I have to go meet with her and our lawyers so we can come to an agreement." I hated talking about it, especially to so many people, but I felt I was doing a good job at making it seem like less of a big deal than what it was. I passed it off as moer of an inconvenience than anything.

"What, she trying to take everything?" Bam never knew his boundaries, but he was one of my best friends, and maybe best friends weren't really supposed to have boundaries. I was always a bit shy and reserved my whole life, I never really discovered what it was like to have a real best friend like that. With Bam's craziness and stupidity came an incredible loyalty, his nosiness was just him being a good friend.

"Yeah, but I couldn't imagine her getting everything she wants. Hopefully this all settles out easily and I can be on my way back soon." I took a shot of whatever was waiting for me at my seat when I walked in.

"You better be. We can't show our faces to a cowd without you." Linde said, making Mige and Burton laugh and nod in agreement.

"Yes, I suppose the women would be crushed!" I said, making all the men laugh. Poor Jamie probably felt terribly out of place with all the sexual jokes that later came and how half of us, excluding Mige and me, were hitting on women and grabbing their asses. She probably just wanted to go home, I could tell by her silence she wasn't the most comfortable.

"Sorry about the craziness." I said, talking only to Jamie.

"It's okay. Your friends are definitely entertaining." She chuckled. Maybe she was just trying to make me feel better, but I knew if I were her I'd have felt odd. "So what happens after your record release? Are you going back to Finland?"

I didn't really know the answer to that, but I didn't want to lead her to think I would stay in America if I was just going to go back to Finland. "Well that's the plan." I could hear the uncertainty in my voice that I'd meant to hide.

"You don't know?" She asked, turning her head a little. She looked confused, and maybe slightly hopeful.

"I guess my stay here depends on how things go with Jonna. If she ends up taking my house I'll have to stay here until I find another place anyway. Nothing is really set in stone for me anymore." I hated hearing that as it just reminded me of how messed up my life was becoming. I didn't like to dwell on it, because when I did, an odd sense of depression would set in, and honestly I didn't even have time for that.

"Well.." She paused, taking the time to think about her word choice. "I'll really miss you when you move back home."

"Not if I do my best to annoy the hell out of you while I'm still here." I said, poking her sides, making her erupt into laughter.

"Do your worst Valo!" She said, pushing my hands off her.

"You wait! By the time it's time for me to go, you'll be dying to get my ass on that plane." She smiled at me, but I could still sense a sadness about her. I ordered a few drinks for us, and turned back to Jamie. Her smile was long gone and her eyes swelled with tears, though she was fighting to hold them back. "What's the matter love?" I asked, even though I kind of already knew.

She shook her head and blinked a few times, hard, to rid the tears in her eyes. They quickly fell down her cheeks and she ran her sleeve over them to make them disappear. "It's stupid, I'm sorry." She smiled again, though I was sure she knew she couldn't hide her feelings from me.

I engulfed her in a hug, but only then did I realize that she was the only one in this group of people that I was really leaving for good once I went back home. Mige, Linde, and Burton were coming with me and Bam made frequent trips to Helsinki pretty much whenever he felt like it. Jamie didn't have the funds to do what Bam did, she couldn't just catch a flight to come hang out. It was possible we'd never meet again. "I'll be back in a week or so." I reminded her, though I was fully aware she wasn't upset over this trip. It was the next one.

"I know it! That's why this is dumb." She laughed, though I could feel the wetness coming from her face on my shoulder. I felt horrible, I hadn't ever meant to upset her.

Holding her felt like the only thing I could even do for her, though I'd be lying if I said I hadn't noticed how perfectly she fit in my arms, or how at ease I felt when she was so close, or the way she always smelled like flowers even when she wasn't working, or even that I hadn't thought about taking her with me, because I did. It was a tough situation, because I didn't even know if he feelings were strong enough for me to want an actual relationship, let alone moving all the way to Helsinki with me. It was a lot to ask and far too soon. It was getting more and more difficult to focus more on my situation with Jonna, and less on my situation with Jamie.

I pulled back from her, keeping a grip on her shoulders. "I will be back soon, and after that, I promise we can talk about how much you're going to hate to see me go, and I can tell you how much I'm going to miss your pretty face." I made it sound sarcastic, but I kind of already knew that there was a lot of truth to what I'd told her. In any case, it made her smile and roll her eyes at me, which was about all I wanted anyway. "And then we'll have rough, crazy sex and everything will be fine!" I could barely get the last part out without laughing, which of course made her laugh.

"Shut the fuck up." She said, shoving me. I was just happy I'd been able to cheer her up. I felt bad too, about leaving her behind, but I had to have some kind of hope that our paths would cross again, or even that we could cross and romantic bridge or two some time. It was just a shame we'd met at such an inconvenient time.

We had a few more drinks and kept in the conversation with everyone else. It ended up being a good night, for the most part. When it was time to go we all parted ways at the door, everyone taking a minute to hug me and wish me a safe trip. I saved Jamie for last, not really wanting anyone to notice the difference between me hugging them and me hugging her, because I was sure you could see one, as I definitely felt one.

"I'll see you soon, okay? Make sure you text me." I told her as I hugged her goodbye.

"I will. You too, got it?" She smiled, pulling back.

"Promise!" I said, placing my hand on my heart.

"Well, see ya when you get back." She said, quietly. She looked at me with some sort of admiration and I could only imagine what kind of look was in my eyes when I looked at her. I pushed back the feelings that I was dying to let out, throwing it so far to the back of my mind that it could only boomerang and come back to bite me in the ass later.

"Take care darling." I said, touching her face for a moment and rubbing my thumb across her cheek. I'd known her for quite some time now and I was still taken by her beauty every time I saw her.

She nodded and I dropped my hand and started heading back to my car. I could feel her eyes on me, so I didn't dare turn around as I was afraid of what would happen if I did.

I went home and tried to sleep, though I knew it was useless. I never slept much before a trip, especially ones I wasn't so thrilled about going on. Also, I rarely travelled alone and the flight to Finland was a long one, I could tell I was going to be bored out of my mind, but the real problem was what was stuck inside my mind, and some of the things I came to realize.

As I sat on the plane, early the next morning, I couldn't keep my mind off of Jamie. I found myself thinking things like "Once all this shit with Jonna is taken care of, there's really no reason I couldn't be with Jamie." and "Maybe when I get back we can talk about a relationship together." And that's really when I started to realize how horribly real my feelings for her were. I hadn't even felt quite like this when I married Jonna, and that said quite a lot.

The plane ride was definitely difficult for me after I started thinking about everything. I hadn't ever just opened my mind before without shutting down whatever it was I was feeling. I finally allowed myself to feel the guilt and shame of this failed marriage, and I was able to let myself thinking about how I really felt about Jamie without any sort of filter of what was right or wrong. I opened up a part of myself I had barely known existed, and maybe that was good. I was discovering what it really was I wanted out of my future, what I wanted aside from the music. The music came easy, the career was breeze compared to the love I'd felt for -

Love? Was I even capable of it? I hadn't thought about the possibility that I might have actually been falling in love with Jamie. I was a person that was always pretty aware of the emotions inside, especially passionate ones, but this blindsided me. Somewhere in my mind when I was going over things, the term "love" came up in reference to my American beauty and I almost choked on the drink I'd been sipping. I realized then I was in some serious shit.

When the plane landed, I stopped all train of thought going toward the time I'd pent with Jamie. I made sure I was of clear mind upon stepping on Finnish land, it was time to focus on the matter at hand. Jonna.

I hadn't told Jonna I was in town yet, I wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed first, especially if I was going to have to move my things out before I left for America again. I took a taxi home and was unpleasantly surprised to find Jonna's car in the driveway.

Upon walking in, I found her packing up everything that belonged to her in an angry rage. had to wonder that the hell her problem was. "Jonna, what the hell are you doing?"

She jumped at my voice, apparently she hadn't heard me come in. "What the fuck Ville? Don' scare me like that." She went back to packing up her boxes, more specifically the pots and pans from the kitchen. "I'm packing. If you get the house then I have to leave, but if I get the house I'm selling it so either way I need to get my things out."

"Yes you do." I leaned up against the kitchen entry way and watched her, holding back the urge to roll my eyes at her. Anymore she became more and more of an annoyance.

"How about I make you an offer?" I had to think quick, otherwise I'd lose her interest.

"What?" She looked uninterested, but I still had her ear.

"Take the house, sell it, keep it, rent it out, I don't care. It's yours. I get to keep my car, you keep yours, and I don't pay alimony. If you have money coming from this house, I don't see why'd you'd need mine. I think that's fair Jonna. I did pay for it all, alone, remember? You haven't put a dime into any of this, you're getting out the best here." I explained. I was right, although it sucked for me. Of course I wanted to keep the house, but if it meant not having to pay her alimony, and not having to deal with her again, it was worth it.

She took a moment to consider her options before responding. "Okay, say I agree, how can I be sure you'll follow through?"

"We'll put this on the table when we meet with the lawyers. I'm sure agreeing to something out of the gate will make this whole process faster and easier. And the faster this goes, the faster I can get my shit out of here and head back to America." I chose not to tell her I was only there for a week, I wanted her to rush.

"Oh yeah, so you can get back to your girlfriend?" She smirked as if she'd won some battle.

"What girlfriend?" I laughed, though I automatically thought of Jamie. Who the hell else would she be talking about?

"You know who." She said, now glaring at me. "I know that the minute I left you started seeing her."

"I haven't been seeing anyone." I felt that was an honest answer, even though I did want to see her.

"Don't lie to me. I know better, and about 5 magazines know it too. There are pictures of you two together." She crossed her arms, ready to fight with me again.

"With Jamie I assume?" I didn't really want to say her name, but really she would have figured it out anyway.

"So there is a girl." She was talking like she'd just caught me in a lie, and maybe by saying her name without Jonna giving me a description of her didn't looks so good for me, but she was the only girl I even talked to outside of business reasons.

"No, there is no girl. There is a friend, who is a girl. I bet if you tried hard enough you'd find pictures of her with Bam too." I crossed my arms, getting frustrated.

"If I find out that you're with her, I am taking everything you own, plus alimony. Got it? I will fuck you over Ville. I will go to magazines, talk shows, interviewers, I don't care, I will find people and I will tell them what a sleezy, drug ridden, terrible person you are." I couldn't believe she was being so vile and mean. This was not the woman I married.

"What I do with my life is none of your business. If I want to date Jamie, or anyone else, I will do it. We are not together anymore, papers have been signed. You cannot control me." I should have shut my mouth long before that statement, but stupid me couldn't contain myself.

"Fine Ville. Have it your way. I'll see you at the lawyer's office in the morning. And just so you know, I will not settle for less than everything you own. Have a great fucking day. Babe." She smiled, picked up the boxes she was packing, and made her way out the front door. I shut and locked the door behind her, trying not to scream.

That was the moment I stopped being sad about her and the divorce. She was horrible, vengeful, hateful, for barely any reason. I still didn't have a full understanding of why she hated me so much, and maybe I did do something that made her this way, but it couldn't have been bad enough for her to act like this. I thought she was a different woman, a sweeter, more understanding woman, which is one reason I married her in the first place. I realized she'd changed and the old Jonna wasn't ever coming back, and I was starting to learn to accept it.

I decided it would be best to figure out what these magazines were saying about me, so I searched my name on the internet and found headlines like "Ville Valo; Cheater?" "Joine Me In Death? More Like Funeral Of Hearts!" That one was pretty good. I also found "Drug Addiction Destroys Valo Marriage." and "Sexy Ville Valo Is Back On The Market!" At least that one wasn't so bad.

I ended up reading the articles, and they all pretty much stated that I refused to talk about the divorce and that I'd left Jonna heartbroken and on her own in America. Some said I cheated on her, primarily with Jamie, and other said the tour life and drug addiction ruined our relationship. I hated how bullshit they all were too, I hadn't been on any drugs since Bam and I had our first falling out, we seemed to have quite a few, and I had never once cheated on Jonna.

There were only a few pictures of Jamie and I, and they were all from the bridge. In one or two we were just standing around together, either talking or watching Preston and Wee Man. Another picture was from the CPR Jamie had to do on me, but the article said it was PDA. I was getting pissed off about it all, especially since absolutely none of it was true. I had to wonder how much of this came from Jonna's mouth.

I sent the same email to each and every author that wrote an untrue article about me, I thought it would be a good idea to get the real story out there and have it in black and white. Although everything written, including the articles were in Finnish, this is what the emails said in English;

"Greetings.
My name is Ville Valo and I sing for HIM. I read your article about me and have found it is terribly flawed and untrue. I advise your story be updted afte you've read this email, in order to supply the absolute truth to your devoted readers.

In regards to the divorce, that was Jonna's choice. We both had been unhappy in our relationship for quite some time, especially Jonna due to the touring and constant traveling on my end, and she thought it be best we spend time apart. I got a call from her after something close to a month where she stated that she would be sending divorce papers in the mail.

I did not cheat on Jonna, nor have I been on any drugs. She has been threatening to take everything I own, she has leaked untrue stories to the media, and now she is doing her best to destroy my career. I implore you to not take anything she says as fact.

As for the pictures of me and the American girl, her name is Jamie. I met her shortly after my temporary move to the US. We are and have been nothing more the friends. the pictures floating around of us were from when we were watching my good friend Bam Margera and his friends film a stunt for their Jackass movies. The "kiss" as you called it was in fact not a kiss, but CPR. I had an asthma attack on the bridge and she had to do what was necessary to keep me breathing while Mige came with my inhaler.

That's what is really happening. If you have any questons feel free to email back.

-Ville Valo"

I tried to not say much that the people close to me didn't already know. This story needed told, I was done being posed at the bad guy when I hadn't done anything I was being accused of.