Beyond Redemption

In the following few days after Ville left, I felt kind of lonely. The Bloom Room had officially closed and was no longer operational, leaving me without a job. Thankfully Bane would be able to pay rent alone for something close to three months, giving me plenty of time to find a new job.

I also felt kind of lonely due to Ville's absence, as I really didn't hang out with anyone else anymore, not after Liz ruined our friendship. It was still tough, dealing with everything without her, but a part of me was starting to accept it, even though I would have loved to be able to go to her to talk about my situation with Ville, how the things he said or did made my heart race and how I envied Jonna at times and how I really couldn't understand why she'd want to get away from her husband, who obviously loved her.

I talked to Ville on a semi-regular basis. We sent texts back and forth through the day, but some times he just got so busy and caught up in legal situations, interviews, press, and whatever else he had going on, that he just didn't have much time to respond. It made me miss him a little more, but I understood. Things were hard for him now, and I wanted to give him the space and respect he deserved.

On the other hand, Bam barely ever left me alone. He'd often stop by my apartment (god knows how he knew where I lived) and sit o my couch all day either watching TV, playing games, or trying to convince me to go somewhere with him. I turned him down on his offers, as they all kind of seemed like dates in a way, like him asking me to go see a movie or go to a club or bar with him, he'd even asked me if i wanted to go get frozen yogurt. I liked Bam, I thought he was attractive, sure, even sweet at times, and he was always happy, I could always rely on him to make me laugh, but he wasn't the one I was most interested in. And maybe it was shallow, or loyal, or the fact that I just knew what I wanted, but I had eyes for Ville and even though he wasn't exactly on the market, I thought it was a little unfair to lead Bam on if I was really just interested in his best friend.

It was nice though, getting closer to Bam. Having another friend filled a small void in my heart that used to belong to Liz. I started to trust him, though I couldn't see why he and Ville had their falling outs, he seemed like such a loyal and good friend. I felt like I could tell him anything and he'd keep it a secret, which is likely why I had a conversation with him on my couch that I had never really had with anyone.

We were drinking, as Bam constantly did and as I was starting to do a little more often. Bane, who had been all crazy over Bam all night had finally gone to bed, which was fantastic because I could not listen to "Bam you are so cool!" or "Dude, it must be awesome to be you." or "You must get so many girls!" or even "You have it all! Girls, money, fame, Ville Valo as a best friend. Your life is perfect man!" for another second. He was such a little girl when it came to my friends anymore. It made me laugh, and of course I liked seeing how happy it made him when someone stopped by, but it did get a little exhausting.

It was pretty quiet once Bane left, except for the music playing on the TV. We had YouTube up and Bam was playing HIM music, especially the videos he helped produce. He was so proud of himself, he often liked to show it off.

"So have you heard from Willie Walo lately?" He asked, his cheeks red from the alcohol.

"A little bit today. He's busy with interviews and meeting lawyers today. He seems stressed out." I felt bad for him, especially since I knew he'd love to just sit there with us and have a drink or two.

"Hey, if you had to deal with Jonna for more than five minutes, you'd be stressed out too. You're lucky you don't have to meet her." He shook his head, obviously he wasn't much of a fan of her.

"Why is she so terrible? No one seems to like her. If she's so bad, then why did Ville marry her?" I asked, feeling a little on the biased side.

"Here's the thing, everyone has a theory and Ville has never believed any of them. He thinks she just doesn't like the touring and the rock star life and always being apart. But that's not it." He obviously had put a lot of thought into this before then, though the frustration he had with his friend only came from love. "You can Skype, call, text, whatever on tour. He hasn't been much of a drinker or junkie for a while now, and she has no real reason to think he'd go and do it again. They're all bullshit excuses. She has another reason for not wanting to be with him."

"And what is that?" I asked, hoping he had a definitive answer.

"I don't know. I think she's cheating, and Mige thinks she got knocked up by anther guy, which is why she's running from Ville. She doesn't want him to see her. But Linde isn't so convinced, he thinks she married him for the fame and money from the start and she's just realizing that money and fame isn't enough for her anymore. It could be quite a few things." He shrugged, taking another slug of his beer.

"I hope you're wrong. All of you." I looked down at my glass, wondering what was actually going through Ville's mind. He had a soft heart, one that was easily broken, and I really couldn't imagine the scenarios he had running through his head. I would have loved to know what he actually thought, as I was sure he hadn't talked to many people about it in depth.

"Yeah me too, but I know one of us is right. I can't think of any other reason. He's always been really great to her." He looked irritated, though the irritation was likely directed at Jonna.

"She's a lucky girl, she should really reconsider this divorce." I started thinking aloud which always seemed to turn into a bad thing.

"Why?" Bam asked, although I hadn't realized he was just prying for information rather than just expressing innocent curiosity.

"Ville is amazing." I started, honesty just spilling out of me. I wasn't drunk, only buzzed enough to be able to relax, and a part of me really wanted to say all of this out loud to someone, anyone. "He's so sweet and considerate, and smart. His music is out of this world, he writes and sings so beautifully, it's like he can turn anything into a work of art." The words just flowed lazily from my mouth as I watched out the window, I had somewhat started to ramble on. "He's such a gorgeous man, inside and out, and romantic. My god.." I thought about the river, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to talk about it yet. "He isn't even intentionally that way either, he doesn't have to try, it's just him. That's how he is, it's like romance and beauty just course through his veins all the time but he tries to hide it behind modesty. And just listening to him speak is like listening to someone read poetry. Everything sounds better when he says it, maybe it's the accent or that his voice is deeper, smooth, yet occasionally rigid. I don't know. He just has this way about him that makes me feel something, even just by entering a room my mood changes, along with my actions and my words. I feel flustered, nervous around him. And telling him goodbye was so hard, but he isn't mine so I don't understand why. I've never had feelings so mixed, so strong. It's weird. He's just a wonder to me." I thought for a moment, thinking about everything in the silence. A few short moments passed before I looked over at Bam whose jaw was hanging open. "What?"

"You're in love with Ville." He stated rather than asked, a look of shock and amusement on his face.

"No I'm not." I quickly denied, thinking it would be weird if I was. I couldn't be, right?

"Yes, J, you are." He looked like he'd just solved the world's oldest mystery. "I can't believe I didn't see it."

"There's nothing to see Bam!" I started to regret my rambling. "I was just talking."

"Yeah, and the best part is that you haven't even come to this conclusion yourself yet! You don't even know!" He laughed, though it was a strange laugh, like he was still in absolute shock.

"Yes I do know, and no, I don't love him Bam." I dismissed.

"Yes you do. You literally just described him in a way that a wife would describe her husband, hell, I've seen married couples less in love. You really got hit with this hard." His amusement made me feel confused, what was he even saying anymore?

"Bam, drop it, I can't love him. It's not right." I said, defending myself with the answers I'd given myself in my head over and over again.

"Why?" He challenged.

"Because he's in the middle of a divorce, and a messy one at that. I'm still stuck in the Liz drama, and Ville even thinking about seeing a woman other than Jonna right now wouldn't look so great in the press. He has an image to uphold! There's just too much going on Bam." I found myself getting flustered, but I wasn't even all that sure as to why.

"Then I guess you don't want to know what he told me about you." He shrugged and looked away, taking another sip. This was bait. I knew it was bait, and I took it like an idiot.

"He said something?" I asked, instantly regretting it the second Bam's cocky face looked back at me.

"Yes. He did. But I'm not telling you." He teased.

"You're a fuck. You know that?" I sulked, knowing Bam and his games.

"I'll tell you one day, but you need to figure out your own feelings first." He nodded like he'd just said the smartest thing ever.

I rolled my eyes and sat back in my seat, taking a minute to think about it. Love seemed like an awfully strong word, a word that I had done everything I could to push from my mind, to block it from ever entering. Love was not an option, love was something I could control, and I didn't want to love Ville, so I wouldn't. I was strong enough not to.. Right?

Bam fell asleep on the couch shortly after our conversation had ended, hell, I'd barely even noticed he'd stopped talking. I was thinking too hard about it all, much harder than I wanted. I made sure to not let thoughts like this enter my mind for so long, so I couldn't understand why I couldn't resist now. Maybe it was because Bam had mentioned Ville had said something about me, or maybe it was someone noticing the romance between Ville and me, or the L word flying around.

I went to bed, leaving Bam on the couch. I stared up at my ceiling for what felt like hours before sleep finally came, and boy was I relieved when it did. Although, at about 4 in the morning a call came in, making me want to throw my phone. "Hello?" I answered, groggy, not even looking at who was calling.

"Jamie, sorry, I woke you didn't I?" I shot up, immediately recognizing the voice.

"Ville, uh, no. I was up." I lied, not wanting him to hang up, there was a reason he was calling, there had to be.

"Oh. Well, I suppose I was wondering if you felt like hearing an old Finn ramble on about his shitty trip back home." He sounded like he was forcing a chuckle, but there was an obvious sadness in his voice.

"Of course I do. What's going on?" I asked, hoping it was nothing too serious.

"Generally, my soon to be ex-wife is a fucking psychopath and I haven't been able to get cameras out of my face in days. I'm miserable here kulta." I didn't understand what the last word meant, but he sounded like he did when he called me "love" or "darling" or anything of the sort.

"I'm sorry." I felt really bad, but I wasn't sure what help I could be to him. "I know things probably aren't going to get much better, but you can do this. You have to tough it out."

"I'm starting to wish I had never made the trip." He admitted, defeat in his voice.

"And let her take everything form you without a fight? You worked hard for everything you have, you can't just give up."

"I want to. I'm tired of it, and it's only been a few days. How am I going to get through the rest of the week?" He sighed, or exhaled smoke. Knowing him it was likely the latter.

"Take a break." I suggested, hoping I was helping. "Stop thinking about it, distract yourself for a while."

"How?" He seemed interested in my suggestion.

"I don't know, write music, go see your family, go to a damn movie theater!" I made him laugh, which felt good. Maybe I could help after all?

"Maybe I will." He paused, still seeming a little stressed out. "So what have you done with your day?"

"I was with Bam all day. Well, more like he came to my apartment, got drunk, and passed out on my couch." I didn't necessarily want to admit that we'd had a lengthy conversation about him.

"I miss you guys. I would have loved to have a day like that!" his chuckle made me smile, but the words made me feel guilty. "Did he flirt with you all day?"

"Well yeah but that's just Bam. He flirts with everyone." It was true too, he really did flirt with anything showing cleavage. "He even told me that my ass was like a piece of fine art." I rolled my eyes, thinking it was kind of a sleezy thing to say, as most things Bam said were.

"How romantic." He said, sarcastic, though I'd noticed he had been rolling his r's and it kind of made my heart beat a little faster every time he did it. It was sexy, and I would have loved to see him do it in person. I then internally slapped myself for the intrusive thoughts.

"Very." I laughed. "You can definitely tell you've gone back home. Your accent is a lot thicker than normal."

"Oh is it? I'm sorry, it's atrocious. I've just been speaking Finnish more than English lately and I-"

"Don't be sorry. It's not atrocious." I was glad he couldn't see the smile on my face. I wanted to tell him that his accent was actually gorgeous, but that was obviously not happening.

"Well I'm glad." He sounded a little nervous, but at least the obvious sadness in his voice was gone.

There was an awkward silence, and I wanted to crush it and said the first thing that I could think of. "I really miss you." Fuck. Not exactly the best ice breaker..

"I miss you too love." He paused again, though this time it was like he was trying to decide if he was going to say something or not. "Can I tell you something?"

"Of course." I nodded, even though he couldn't see it.

"This is probably going to sound strange, but I have not stopped thinking about you since I left. The moment I got on that plane my mind wondered off to you and it has yet to return to me. You're very distracting darling." His voice was a little deeper than normal, a little quieter, as if someone would hear.

Honestly I had no idea how to reply, but I played it as cool as possible. "If it helps, I haven't thought about anything other than you either." Fucking hell, that wasn't exactly "playing it cool" that was "playing it desperate."

"Fuck." He said, and I could imagine him rubbing his temples like he often did. "I just want to come back. There are a lot of things you and I need to talk about."

"Like what?" I asked, my cheeks already burning.

"You know what." He said, and I did, but I didn't want to admit it. "I'll be a single man again when I return."

His hinting had my heart beating out of my chest. "I suppose you will be."

"Unless I have the wrong idea." He said, taking a step back from his hints.

"Ville, be blunt with me, because I don't want to get the wrong idea." I wanted to hear him say it, that way there was no way I could have conjured up ideas in my head that weren't reality.

"Oh, kulta.." He trailed off, though quick;y picking back up again. "I know things are weird right now, especially since I've only just been divorced, and I don't want to push you. Hell, maybe it's wrong of me to even think of it, I shouldn't even be talking about this so soon, but you and I both know that there are feelings between us, feelings that friends don't just have for each other. That is what we need to talk about."

"And so we will. When you return." I could barely breathe, hearing this from him, hearing it validated, was amazing.

"I hope so." There was a vulnerability in his voice and I somewhat adored.

We talked for another hour about his time in Finland and Bam and what I'd been doing since he left, even though it had only been a few days. It felt so strange talking to him after he said, out loud, that we had real feelings for each other. Everything felt a little more flirtatious, and even a little more romantic. I had no idea how I was going to get through the rest of the week feeling so nervous about his arrival back home.