Beyond Redemption

Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit.

I woke up, the afternoon sun shining through the window and onto my face, disturbing my slumber. I remembered the conversation I had with Jamie the night before and automatically regretted it. I called her in a moment of weakness, a moment of vulnerability that consumed me. The reason as to why I felt so terrible was beyond me, maybe it was from all the stress, but I couldn't think of anything else that would help me. Validating that there were in fact real feelings between us was not something I planned on doing. At all. I shocked myself when I said it, and once I said it there was no taking it back. Of course I meant what I said, I hadn't lied to her, I just hadn't meant to bring it up yet.

I knew it was too soon, I hadn't even left Helsinki yet, I felt like I was jumping the gun. I wasn't even totally sure this whole thing would work out, not really. It was just a feeling I had. Jamie and I didn't actually have much hope as a couple to be honest, our timing was off, we were residents of different countries, one of us would literally have had to give up everything to be together and that wasn't right, especially since I knew it would be her. She never would have let me give up the dream I'd worked so hard for, but I never would have let her give up her whole entire life either. We had absolutely nothing going for us except the feelings we seemed to share, and although I couldn't speak for her, my feelings were becoming quite strong, and had been for some time. It was already unlike any relationship I'd ever been in, and we weren't even dating.

Aside from all that, Finland seemed to have nothing to offer me other than the familiarity of being home and speaking my native language while actually being understood. I was pretty done with all the interviews, the lawyers, and especially Jonna. I had also had so many fans stop me every time I went into public that I found myself avoiding places that were too busy. I wanted to be left alone, I needed a break from talking about my failed marriage, I'd felt enough shame already, but having it brought up in my face everywhere I went was really becoming a strain. Hell, I couldn't even stop into a coffee shop without someone asking about Jonna.

I was tired of telling the same story, over and over to all these journalists and interviewers, I didn't even want to live in it anymore. I was ready to just give up and let Jonna have whatever she wanted. I was physically and emotionally drained, I was lucky if I remembered to eat more than once a day. But a phone call seemed to change everything. I had been walking down a sidewalk, trying to clear my head, all while freezing my ass off in the frigid Helsinki snow. "Hei?" I answered, not realizing it was a lawyer.

He spoke in Finnish, but it roughly translated to "Mr. Valo! Glad you answered. Jonna and her lawyer came to me with an agreement regarding the house. She says if you give her the house she'll ask for nothing more. You got out easy! Can you believe it?" The message seemed happy enough, even though I was loosing my house, but Jonna had specifically said she was going to take whatever she could from me. Why make this agreement?

"Ihana. Minne menemme täältä?" Meaning "Wonderful, Where do we go from here?"

"Kirjoita paperit ja olet hyvä mennä!" I was shocked. All I had to do was go into his office and get the papers signed. After that I was a free man.

I agreed to come in right away and get it done before Jonna changed her mind, although I still had a feeling she was up to something. I couldn't imagine what she'd be up to with this kind of agreement though. Upon walking into the building, I'd found that Jonna and her lawyer hadn't left yet. She looked worried, which left me even more suspicious than I was before. Despite my better judgement, I signed my house away, not sure of what my new game plan would be. All I knew is that I was going to be staying in America as long as my work visa would allow, which wasn't as long as I would have liked.

I went back home and gathered my things, wondering what the fuck I was going to do. I decided it would be best to rent a storage unit for the time being and hold everything in there until I could sort everything out. It took me all day, but I managed to get everything moved, and surprisingly Jonna hadn't even stopped by. Not once. Something was off and I felt like I'd just gotten more fucked than I had been before.

I booked a hotel room and my flight, though I booked it for three days in advance to save some money. Three days to sit in the hotel alone and wish I were somewhere else. Not to mention I hadn't even thought of the way I'd feel once I lost the home I'd worked so hard for. I'd saved for a long time for that house, it was everything Jonna wanted, I even renovated it especially for her, and now look at it. Vacant. For sale. It made me sick. I thought it be best to have a few drinks and relax, especially since it was about the only thing to do.

After a few hours of flipping through TV channels, I turned it off and started searching online for houses in the Helsinki area. As I searched around, I found myself looking for houses that included a garden, plenty of rooms, fireplaces, things of that sort. They weren't things I'd normally even search for, and I hadn't noticed I was even doing it until I thought "Oh, Jamie would love this house." And it dawned on me that I couldn't even do something this simple without thinking of her, even considering her and her preferences. I quickly shut my lap top and tossed it to the ground. I just couldn't get her out of my head. And it only got worse when I heard my phone ring.

"Hei?" I answered, again not even thinking to look who was calling. This was becoming habit.

"Ville? Are you busy right now?" Jamie's voice rang through my ear, though it sounded like she was crying.

Panic washed over me as her cry didn't sound like she was just sad, it sounded panicked, frantic even. "No, what's wrong?"

"It's Bam. He got into an accident he's really hurt." Her voice shook as she tried to hold it together to tell me what was going on.

"What happened?" I tried asking, but her answer was muffled through her sobbing. I could hear a few sirens in the back and a lot of people talking, some sounded calm but others sounded frantic. "Jamie, please, try to calm down and tell me what happened." I tried to sound calm, but I was freaked out. I hopped on the laptop again and booked the soonest flight I could back to America.

"We were heading out t-to the.." She stopped to breathe for a second then continued. "The bar. Mige was in my car and Linde and Burton were in Bam's." She sniffled a lot, she was so shaken. I never wanted to hear her cry again. "And w-we were just driving and some asshole t-boned him and I crashed my car into the wreck.."

"Is everyone okay?" I started running around my room, packing my bags. I was so afraid that Bam was dead, or going to die, that I started regretting ever leaving. My mind was running a thousand miles a minute.

"I don't know Ville." She sobbed. "I'm getting into an ambulance with Mige now, they want to check us over but I think we're okay." She explained, to my relief. "But I don't know about Bam. I saw Linde walking around and Burton was at least conscious. But Bam.. oh my god."

"What about him? Did you see him?" I finished packing and ran out of the door, hoping I could find a taxi to take me to the air port.

"Only for a minute. He's so bloody, they have a mask on him and they hooked him up to a bunch of machines. Ville, he wasn't breathing. What if he dies? I can't.. He can't.. What if he's already..."

"Don't think about that right now, he's in good hands. I am heading to the airport now, my plane leaves in just a few hours so I will be back to you in roughly 15 or 16 hours, okay?" 16 hours was a long time. I just hoped I'd get back in time if Bam actually wasn't okay.

"Okay, let me know when you get to the airport here, okay? I'll have Linde pick you up if he's cleared to leave by then." She seemed to calm down a little which was a relief.

"Thank you. I'll see you soon kulta. If you hear anything make sure you let me know."

"I will. Be safe." She said, before hanging up the phone.

I had a feeling the next 16 hours were going to feel like a century and I was absolutely right. I had to wait about 4 hours for the plane to come in, which actually wasn't bad considering how short notice this trip back was. I was shocked I was even able to find tickets for the flight.

I boarded the plane and readied myself for the dreaded 12 hour trip. It was such a pain, sitting there for so long. I usually slept through some of it, but I was so worried and my mind was too preoccupied with everything to sleep. I tried reading magazines but my mind kept wandering and I couldn't focus on them. I checked my phone practically every 5 minutes but no updates came.

I was thrilled when my plane finally landed. I got my bags as quickly as possible, adrenaline kicking back in. Linde met me by the door, he was a little bruised up and his arm was wrapped up but he looked okay. I gave him a hug, relieved to see he was fine. "How is everything?" Though I really meant "How is Burton and Bam?"

"We've all been waiting around for news. Burton has to stay until tomorrow, he has a concussion and he fractured his leg, but he'll be fine. We've been sitting in his room with him. No word on Bam yet. All we know is that he's pretty fucked up and not awake yet." I could see the worry on his face but he tried to keep things sounding like they were okay.

Linde drove me back to the hospital where Mige and Jamie were waiting for us at the entrance. Jamie immediately ran up and hugged me upon my arrival and the smell of flowers overwhelmed me, and somewhat calmed me. "I'm so glad you're here."

"Sorry I couldn't be here sooner." I looked her over, searching for injuries. She had a cut below her eye and a bit of a gash on her forehead by her hair, both had already been taken care of, probably by a nurse. She was wearing a long sleeve so I couldn't see her arms, but I was sure there were probably bruises and scrapes.

"I'm shocked you got here this fast to begin with." She tried smiling, but it just kind of failed her and she gave up.

We all made our way up to the floor Bam was on. We were only allowed to look through a window at him, no one was allowed in yet. He was in critical condition according to a nurse, and he definitely looked it. One eye was purple and puffy, he had cuts and gashes all over and his arm was in a cast. He looked pretty beat up and it made my heart drop. I felt terrible, and somehow responsible, even though there was nothing I could have done.

I had to walk away, it was hard seeing my friend look like that, especially since he hadn't woken up yet. It was tough, it didn't even feel real. I looked at him in there and the image seemed to be burned in my mind. I suddenly started to regret every bad thing I said about or to him, every time we fought or didn't talk for months. He wasn't quite stable yet, but no one wanted to say that he had a chance of dying, not out loud anyway. It definitely put things into perspective for me and I wanted nothing more than to see him open his eyes.

We went up to Burton's room, where I greeted him with a hug. We all sat around and talked about nothing really, especially about what had happened, it was too sensitive just yet. It was almost an unspoken rule that we weren't to talk about it before Bam woke up.

Things felt so strange. People were talking, but no one was really interested in the conversations, Jamie wasn't speaking at all, she was obviously still shaken, and I couldn't even focus on anything. I was tired, mentally and physically drained. I'd lost count of the hours I'd been awake. Next thing I knew I was nodding out in my chair. Maybe a small nap wouldn't hurt..