Beyond Redemption

I found myself spacing off, not really paying any attention to the quiet conversations going on around me. I hadn't even noticed Ville had fallen asleep until I just so happened to glance over at him. He looked so peaceful and at ease, it was nice, since he'd arrived he'd been so stressed out and worried that I thought he'd never relax. He was so concerned for Bam, we all were. But watching him sleep put my mind at ease. The sun was starting to set, the orange, pink lights dawning on him, like he was in some movie. It was nice to have him back.

We all let Ville sleep until a nurse came in with news about Bam. She'd said he was finally conscious and that he could take visitors, as long as everyone was pretty quiet and no one startled him. Burton stayed in his bed, but Mige and Linde went to go see Bam right away, and I stayed behind to wake up Ville.

"Hey." I said quietly as I walked up to him. No response. "Ville, wake up." I softly rubbed his arm, hoping to get some kind of reaction. He shifted in his seat a little but didn't acknowledge me. "Come on." I said, touching his face, to which he attempted to flutter his eyes open.

"What's going on?" He asked, his voice deep and raspy from his sleepy state.

"It's time to wake up." I dropped my hand form his face to his forearm, seeing as he was becoming responsive. "The nurse said Bam woke up."

"Oh." He sat up and rubbed his eyes. I'd forgotten about the jet lag, not to mention he'd left when I told him about the accident, he probably hadn't slept in a long ass time. "Let's go." He slowly stood up and stretched, revealing the tattoo between his hip bones. "We'll be back in a bit, need anything?" He asked Burton.

"Bring me back a burger?" He asked, although I was pretty sure the nurse said he couldn't eat solids yet, just in case.

"How about a smoothie?" Ville nodded, more telling him he was getting one rather than asking. He walked over to Bam's room, but Ville looked a little nervous.

"You okay?" I asked before we opened the door.

"I'll be fine darling. Let's go." He opened the door and walked in, though I knew he wasn't completely fine. None of us were.

"Zille Zalo." Bam said, though it was more of a whisper. "You came all the way back from Finland just for me?"

"Well I had to when I found out you almost got your stupid ass killed." Ville chuckled, trying to keep things light but with the way Bam looked it was really hard to not cry.

"Here, you guys can sit on the end of the bed." His voice was raspy, like he was fighting being choked out. He looked a little dazed, but he did his best to be his normal self.

We sat down on the end of his bed like he said and the room fell a little silent. "So how are you feeling? Not too good probably." I said, quickly breaking the silence.

"I can't feel too much, but what I can feel fucking sucks." He looked tired and worn, I was hoping his consciousness meant he was going to be okay.

"I'm so sorry Bam. We should have just stayed home." I felt partially responsible even though I knew it wasn't anyone's fault except the driver that t-boned them.

"Hey, don't apologize. I'm just upset I didn't get my whiskey." His normal humor seemed to be intact, making everyone chuckle. "Plus, I broke the shit out of my leg. Injuries are women magnets." I rolled my eyes. Yep. Same old Bam.

After his comment the room seemed a bit less awkward. Talking resumed to a somewhat normal state and the gravity of the situation was temporarily forgotten. Ville didn't say much, as he might have still been in a little shock. And as bad as the timing was, I couldn't help but think about the conversation he wanted to have. What if it wasn't a good conversation at all? What if he wanted to tell me that he didn't reciprocate my feelings? As I thought about all this I caught myself staring at him, and quite frankly so did he. Shit.

He smiled and set his hand over mine for a moment, as if he knew exactly what I was thinking about. "So Bammy boy, what have the doctors told you?" He said, drawing away anyone's attention from us.

"Well like I said, my leg is broke to shit. Fractured a few ribs, they're worried about head injuries. Little do they know those are probably preexisting." He let out a rough chuckle, it sounded painful.

"That's not funny." I said, even though a small laugh came with it.

As much as Bam was trying to be his normal self, it started to fail after a short time. His jokes stopped after a short while, then a while later his speaking all together. He was tired, and probably in a lot more pain that he was letting on. "Guys, we should probably let Bam rest for a bit." I said, not trying to play nurse but I knew Bam wasn't going to say anything. I figured I'd take away the embarrassment I knew he'd feel.

"No, it's cool." He half argued, though it didn't go far. He was so quiet it was barely even audible.

"We'll see you soon." I hugged him, not taking no for an answer.

Each of the men either high fived him or patted his arm on the way out. Linde and Mige went straight back to Burton's room while Ville and I walked down to the cafeteria to grab a smoothie for Burton. His silence worried me, even though I knew he had a million reasons to be silenced. "Hey, you okay?" I asked while we stood in the elevator.

"Yeah why?" He asked, as if the circles under his eyes and the lack of life on his face hadn't given him away.

"You just aren't acting to like yourself." I didn't want to tell him how sick he looked as I didn't want him to think I was insulting him. And when I say he looked sick, I mean he looked physically sick, not gross. He was still a beautiful man, even in his groggy, dazed state.

"To be honest, I haven't been totally myself since long before I met you." I could tell he didn't necessarily mean to be so honest or blunt, as this didn't sound like something he would normally say. Something told me that a little piece of him had crumbled apart over the last few months, and he was finally starting to feel it. "I wasn't always so serious."

"What happened to you?" I asked, even though I knew it had something to do with Jonna.

We walked out of the elevator and slowly made our way to the other side of the hospital where the cafeteria was. "I don't know. Maybe it was Jonna, or the absence of her. I haven't really thought about it. It could be a lot of things." I knew that was a lie just by looking at him. And I knew Ville, it was all he'd been thinking about.

"When did you start to feel different?" I asked, hoping he'd finally open up to me about her. He had only ever told anyone what they needed to know, he was very good at keeping his marriage private.

"A short time after we married I guess. Things just weren't as they were before the wedding. Her attitude changed, she stopped being so caring and loving like she once was. She stopped appreciating things I did for her, and she stopped doing anything for me all together. We fought a lot more once I starting touring more, and she hated it when I wrote music, which was strange because that was something she used to love about me. She loved hearing me sing and play music, and she loved the way I'd cook for her and take care of her, but all of those things became an annoyance to her over time. She started hating the time I spent on music and not her, her interest in my singing faded and she could hardly stand to hear it anymore, she said if she'd wanted to hear me sing she'd turn on the radio. She wouldn't let me cook for her anymore, saying she was sick of the same old meals, and taking care of her ended up just being me giving her money and paying bills instead of making sure she had something to eat and wear and carrying her to the bathroom when she was sick or drunk or running a bath for her. How can someone go from thinking you're the sun that gives their life light to thinking you're the moon during a total solar eclipse?" I hadn't expected such an answer from him, nor did I expect my eyes to start watering. It was just so sad, I hadn't realized what he'd gone through. It was hard to remember that he they were in love once, as I never saw it for myself.

"I don't know." I sniffed, wiping under my eyes to make sure nothing was escaping. "I guess I don't understand how someone can change so much."

"That's why I don't know how our marriage failed. It's been eating away at me for a long time. We both knew it was failing long before she demanded a divorce though. I just always wanted to know what changed in her. In us." His hands were in his pockets, trying to look casual, but I could tell his heart was breaking all over again. I swore I saw his eyes water, which made me want to cry like a baby. Seeing someone like him cry was not something I was ready for.

"Ville, sometimes people just change as they get older, and sometimes people change suddenly because of their own reasons. It could be anything, you can't dwell on it. It'll only eat you alive like it has been." I knew it didn't sound like much help, but I thought it was something he needed to hear.

He paused for a while, but came back to my original question as to when he started to feel different. "I wasn't myself once I realized she'd stopped being the woman I loved. The joy and laughter kind of stopped from both of us, and I haven't gotten any better. God, I feel like I've only gotten worse. I'm so serious all the time, I feel like I can't just relax or not worry anymore. It's just changed me and I don't know if I can snap back. It's been a long time."

"You just need to forgive yourself. You didn't ruin your marriage, people just drift apart sometimes. I hope that once you accept what what happened and find peace within yourself about it, you can go back to being you. I'd love to know who you were before all this." I smiled at him, hoping that watery glaze over his eyes would go away.

"I'd love to show you." He tried to smile back but he accidentally let a tear drip, he wiped it so quickly though, like it was a surprise to him that it even came.

I grabbed his hand to stop him from walking and I hugged him. He hugged me back, but it was unlike normal, it was emotional, like he'd so desperately needed this from someone but couldn't get it. He heavily sighed into my neck making me shudder. I entwined my fingers in his curly hair and held onto him for as long as he needed. Luckily this didn't look odd to passersby as we were in a hospital, lots of moment like this could be seen, although they weren't normally regarding a situation like this. It was good that he was finally starting to open up more and let it out, but I wished it had been under better circumstances.

I couldn't tell if he was crying or not, if he was it was almost silent. I could feel him breathe heavily, but I wasn't sure until he stood back a little after our hug. His eyes were a little red, but he probably could have blamed it on being tired or rubbing his eyes. My heart shattered for him, especially since it had to have been bad on the inside for him if this was how he was acting on the outside. I couldn't imagine how he actually dealt with things without getting it out like this, even though it was brief.

"I'm so sorry love." He said, leading the way into the cafeteria. "I didn't mean to put that on you. I'm just tired, I haven't slept in ages."

"I know, it's okay. It's good you talk about it, you'll feel better." I hoped he would anyway.

We got the smoothie and made our way back upstairs to Burton's room where we found Linde and Mige playing Uno with Burton. I was glad he was feeling better, I just wished the same for Bam. "Here you are." Ville said, handing his friend the promised drink.

"I was really hoping you'd bring burgers." He laughed. The room was a lot less silent and awkward than it was when we were with Bam. I think seeing him so hurt just made everyone upset and uncomfortable. It was easier to pretend things weren't so bad when he wasn't looking right at us.

We all stayed until 10pm, when visiting hours ended. We made sure to say goodbye to Bam before we left, even though he wasn't very conscious. They had him on some strong pain medications and he wasn't awake very often. I was still a little shaken from it all, I hand't slept or even eaten much and I felt nervous about going home. I knew Bane would be there, but I still felt like I was going to be lonely and upset.

"Ville, do you want a ride home?" I asked, knowing he'd taken a ride with Linde to the hospital.

"Would you mind? I know it's out of the way." Always so considerate.

"Get in, I'll take you." I smiled, a small bit relieved that I at least didn't have to be alone yet. I wasn't sure why I was so afraid of being alone, maybe it was because I was afraid of how I would feel once I started thinking about everything. I was crushed that this happened to Bam, I felt guilty and anxious about it all and being alone in my head just didn't sound fun.

Ville got in my car, immediately making the small area smell of which should have been bad since he hadn't showered in a while, but it wasn't. I felt like he was incapable of smelling bad. "Thanks love."

"No problem." I didn't want to look at him, I felt like he'd know how I was feeling, it was like my anxiety was leaking out of me in the most visible way. I stayed silent most of the way while we played some music on low, until we were about three blocks form his house. "Are you particularly busy right now?"

"Not really. I was just going to get showered and head to bed." He said, his voice confirming his exhaustion.

"Right, of course. You must be tired." I felt disappointed, but also stupid for even trying to ask him to stay with me.

We pulled into his driveway, but he didn't get out. "What's the matter?"

"It's nothing, I'm just being silly." I smiled, finding it hard to lie to him.

"Kulta, don't. What is it? How can I help?" I felt bad already, he probably wanted nothing more than to lay in his own bed and sleep.

"I just feel kind of worked up I guess. I'm afraid to be alone with my thoughts right now, and I know it sounds dumb, I just feel so guilty and horrible about Bam and-"

"Alright." He half smiled, which wasn't what I expected. "Let me go grab some clean clothes, since I forgot my suitcase in Linde's car. I'll be right back." He got out and went inside. I saw the lights go on and off as he walked through the house and I perked up once all the lights finally went off and Ville came back out to the car with a small shoulder bag.

"I'm so sorry to do this to you." I said, genuinely feeling bad about it.

"It's not a bother, stop apologizing." He chuckled, throwing his bag in the back seat. "Let's get going."

I was worried about Bane's reaction when I walked into the apartment with Ville. I hadn't told him he would be coming and I knew it would blindside him again. "Bane? I'm home. Are you here?" I called when I didn't see him right away.

"Hey what's- uh.. oh uh.." He struggled for words when he saw the two of us walk in and shut the door.

"You remember Ville? He's going to stay tonight. You don't mind, right?" I tried to act normal, but Bane was kind of fucking that up with his staring.

"Yeah, no prob. I'm going to be in the uh, kitchen?" He was in such a tizzy that he walked into the bathroom instead. He was able to keep his cool the first time, but for some reason he was getting worse and worse at hiding his love for HIM.

"Is he okay?" Ville asked form behind me.

"Can I tell you a secret?" I smiled, knowing I shouldn't be telling him but I'd hoped that if I did things would make a little more sense for him. Maybe it could even be addressed and things would be less awkward.

"Of course." He said, a little confused.

"Bane is a huge HIM fan. He has a heartagram tattoo and everything. I didn't know until he showed it to me last time you came over. He freaked out." We both laughed quietly so he wouldn't hear.

"Oh. That explains it." We went into the living room and he threw his bag on the floor next to the couch and then sat down next to me. "Well I guess I'll wait until he comes out to change clothes."

"It could be a while. He's probably trying to breathe normally again." We both laughed again, and maybe it was a little mean to make fun of him, but it was funny. "You can change in my room if you want. It's down the hall, room right on the end."

"Thanks." He dug his clothes out and went into my room. I suddenly became very conscious of it, I didn't know the condition of my room and I started to worry. I hoped I hadn't left dirty clothes laying around or anything embarrassing.

Bane came out of the bathroom and looked around cautiously before approaching me. "Where the hell is he?" He whispered.

"My room. Changing." I blushed, realizing that there was an incredibly attractive foreign man practically naked in my room at that very moment.

"What the fuck? You didn't warn me." His face was a little bit pale and I couldn't resist laughter.

"It was a last minute decision." I tried to defend myself but I couldn't get over how freaked out Bane was.

"I'm going to pass out." He said, being dramatic. "What do I do? Should I go in my room? I don't want to embarrass myself, especially if you guys came here to like, fuck or something."

"Bane! First of all, hush!" I whisper lectured. "I don't know if he can hear you, and second, we did not come here to.. do.. that." I felt my cheeks burning again at the thought of having sex with Ville. Just the words "Sex with Ville" gave me goosebumps.

"Oh you want to. I can see it. You can't even say it!" He made fun of me but he didn't realize I had the advantage here.

"Ha! I may not be able to say it out loud, but at least I can talk to the man without having to run into the bathroom after saying I'll be in the kitchen! You fucking idiot!" I shoved his arm, laughing at him again.

"You win this time, but now I know what bothers you." He had an arrogant look on his face before whispering, "Dirty, sweaty, hot sex with Ville."

My eyes widened and I punched him in the arm. "Shut the hell up you fucking moron!" I heard my door open and I quickly sat back in my seat like I hadn't even been talking to Bane.

He walked out in sweatpants and a super tight fitting tank top, he might as well have not even been wearing one. He fucking would. "Thanks darling." He said, putting his old clothes back in his bag.

"Did you put your inhaler in there?" I asked, knowing damn well he didn't. He never kept it on him.

"I might have forgotten it." He admitted, receiving a playful push from me.

"I have one, if you need it." Bane spat out, kind of awkwardly as he was standing behind the couch and neither of us were even facing him.

"Why the hell do you have an inhaler?" I asked, knowing he didn't have asthma.

"I get bad allergies sometimes." He defended, as if that wasn't a good enough reason to have one.

I had the urge to tell him that Ville probably didn't want to use his old allergy inhaler, as it probably wasn't even the right dose anyway as it wasn't for the same thing, but Ville got to him first. "Thanks." He said, trying not to embarrass him further. He was apparently a lot nicer than I was.

"I thought you were going to be in the kitchen?" I said, smirking.

"Oh, right." He walked away into the kitchen, but I'd never seen him so awkward.

"Sorry." I found myself apologizing a lot lately.

"Ei hätää." He said, shaking his head, making me assume that meant something like "It's fine" or "no problem." We sat in silence for a moment until Ville broke the silence, even though I swore he was about to fall asleep. "Can I talk to you about something?"

"Of course." I automatically thought back to that night he called me, wanting to talk about our feelings. My heart raced at the thought of that conversation happening now. Was it the right time? Our timing had been so wrong for so long, but when would the right time come? Would a perfect time ever come for us? What were we even waiting for?

"I told you, a few days ago, that I wanted to talk to you about whatever the hell feelings are going on between us when I got back. I've been thinking about it a lot, and I know things are still crazy right now, but I don't want to have to wonder what you'll say anymore. Maybe now isn't the best time for this, and tell me if you agree, but I think I need to talk about it, especially after our conversation earlier about Jonna." I didn't like that he brought her up. He was upset over her, maybe he was going to tell me that the feelings I had weren't shared, and that he missed her too much to consider anyone else.

"I guess I don't know what to say." I said, a little embarrassed.

"Be honest, how do you really feel about me Jamie?" Shit. I didn't want to tell him, especially if my fears were to come to life.

"That's a difficult thing to answer." I smiled, trying to hide my nervousness. "I don't even know how to put it into words. And please, don't look at me differently after I tell you, because I'm pretty sure you already know anyway." I found myself babbling a little, but tried to bring myself back to the ground and answer him. "I haven't dated a lot of men, Noah was the only real relationship I had, so it might not mean much to you, but I've never cared about anyone the way I care about you. You're a hell of a lot different than anyone I've ever even met, and since we've meet I've done my best to push any feelings aside that I shouldn't have been having for a married man.That's been a lit harder to do lately, seeing as you aren't a married man anymore, and honestly I feel like you're kind of hinting at me that you feel something too, and I'm sorry for thinking that if I'm wrong." I paused, trying to figure out what he was thinking, but he showed nothing but interest for what I was saying. He made no facial expression to show how he felt, he was just listening. "Obviously I have a lot of romantic feelings for you and I have for a while. I mean, how can I not? Look at you." I said, making him laugh, which I took as a good thing. "You're every woman's fantasy. A long haired, romantic man with a foreign accent? I mean, you had me at 'hello' Ville." I smiled, remembering that day at the flower shop that I found myself missing terribly. "Then I got to know you after a while, and I heard you sing and I've seen how passionate you are about things, and you're so fucking brilliant that sometimes I wonder how you even stand to hold a conversation with me. I just-"

"Do you love me Jamie?" He asked, which completely shocked me and threw me for a loop. I didn't expect that word to be brought up.

"What?" I stopped, barely able to process what he'd just said.

"Do you love me? Or, maybe more so, could you ever love me? Unconditionally. Knowing what I do for a living, knowing I can't be around all the time, knowing what the both of us would have to give up if we decided to move forward with a life together, can you see yourself loving me through it all?" There it was. That was his reason for asking. He was afraid of another Jonna situation, and I felt stupid for not seeing it before, of course he'd be afraid of that happening again! It was crazy to me that I hadn't even considered that he thought we could end up like he and Jonna did, and I felt bad for being so insensitive.

"Ville, I'm not sure how I feel right now, I mean, love is deep, it's not an easy thing. It takes time and care and a lot of experience with someone. I don't know if what I feel for you right now is actually love, I don't know if I've ever felt real love before, but I can tell you that my feelings for you are real, and they always have been. I feel more for you now than I ever did for Noah, which kind of scares me, because I have no idea how to deal with that, but I think I can confidently say yes, I could love you through all that. If things happen and I find that I actually am in love with you, then there's nothing that would make me turn my back on you, and I think it's really important that you know and believe that." I wasn't sure how to feel about answer, and I sure as hell didn't know how it made him feel. I already knew I had starting to fall in love with him, and I'd known it for quite some time, but I didn't want to tell him I loved him then find out later that it wasn't real. I wanted him to be prepared, and to put work into whatever relationship we were going to have after this conversation, just like I was going to.

"I couldn't imagine you giving me a more perfect answer." He said, satisfied. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

"Wait what?" He was being incredibly confusing. "But I didn't say yes. Isn't that what you wanted?" I asked, now more unsure than ever of his feelings for me.

"Jamie, I don't want someone that's so easily taken by whatever is on the outside that I can offer. Sure, the accent thing and the famous band thing and the money are definitely things women want and lust after, and you and I haven't spent any romantic time together, not intentionally. I wanted to know if you could love me through all the shit you know you'd have to put up with, and you said you can, and I believe you. You didn't just jump into my arms and admit some love that you weren't really sure of. You're willing to actually dig deep and discover what real love is, and if you can share it with me. That's all I wanted, was the honesty and knowing this is real for you too." What he said made perfect sense. I didn't care about him because he was attractive or because he was a foreign rock star or anything like that, they were just things I loved about him, not the reason I would love him. This whole thing had my head reeling but it was connecting and making sense as I went along.

"Me too?" I prompted, hoping he'd start explaining his feelings like I had to.

"Yes kulta." He half smiled, looking like he'd just gotten caught red handed.

"Be honest, how do you really feel about me Ville?" I asked, mimicking him from earlier.

"Fine, I suppose it's only fair." He sighed, turning to face me. He took my hand and enclosed it in both of his, looking at it for a second before meeting my eyes. "Jamie, I've craved your attention since the moment I saw you, rushing out of your car to open the door for me that morning at the flower shop. You were so worried that I was angry at you for being late, but really I was just happy I got the attention of a beautiful woman like you." He was definitely laying it on thick, but he had me melting anyway. "And your blushing was out of control, I did notice." He winked, knowing I was embarrassed by it. "And then I saw you again out in the rain, and your beauty took me by the heartstrings and pulled, it was like I couldn't help but go talk to you again, even though I should have been less worried about a gorgeous girl in the rain and more worried about the woman I married." He shrugged, knowing that his actions back then were a little wrong and unfair to Jonna. "But you didn't make me feel like a big, famous rock star like most strangers do, you made me feel like a real and normal person again. I started laughing more, living my life more. I knew from the start that you and I couldn't just be friends, my feelings were crushing me and have been until now. Jamie, I care for you in a totally different way than I cared for Jonna. While I was in Finland, I had a lot of time to reflect on my relationship with her and my friendship with you, and I found that my marriage was less like a marriage, and more like a relationship you'd have with your parole officer. And my friendship with you was less like a friendship and more like a growing, ever changing thing that I couldn't let go." He paused, going over everything in his head. "I asked you if you could love me, despite everything that we'd have to go through, and you said yes. Well, it's only fair that I answer it too. Being gone effects me too, writing and touring and being stressed out and away from everyone takes a toll, and I've found that even if I had to give parts of it up too, or give up living in my home country, I could love you through it too. I want to see if we can do this together."

I was shocked, even though I was starting to already know that he wanted to be with me, at least a little. He was so thorough, taking every little detail into consideration. I was sure he'd already considered his reputation and what the tabloids would say too, and I wondered how much he actually cared about it, I hoped it didn't bother him. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. And we don't have to call this anything yet, no pressure, okay?" He said, indicating that we weren't technically in a relationship. I took this as we were not official, but we were not seeing anyone else either. It was like a test run, to see how we worked together before we let the world know. It made sense to me, and it was a bit of a relief, being romantic with him was mind boggling enough, let alone suddenly getting thrust into the limelight across the world. It would be nice to try things out first.

"That sounds good." I smiled, happy with where we were now.

He put his hand on my face and kissed my forehead, sending my heart into flutters. "Olen kaivannut sinua kultaseni"

"I don't know what that means Ville." I said, looking up at him.

"I just missed you while I was away." He said, bringing me into a hug. It was weird how different this was than normal. Hugs weren't just hugs anymore and apparently kisses, no matter how innocent, weren't just that anymore. It was like my whole world just flipped and everything I thought I knew about love and relationships had just gotten thrown out of the window.

"I missed you too." I said, sitting back in my seat before I fell asleep on him. I hadn't realized how tired I was, and it must have been a thousand times worse for him. "Now, I've kept you up long enough. Get some sleep." I stood up so he could lay down, which he wasted no time doing.

"Goodnight love. Come to me if you need anything." He was so comforting and inviting that I practically wanted to come up with a reason to go to him.

"Goodnight." I said, heading off to my room, though I couldn't expect sleep to come any time soon, not while that last conversation was running through my head over and over.. and over.. and.. over..