Beyond Redemption

Dealing with Bam was like dealing with a 4 year old. Every ten minutes he wanted something, be it food or drinks or to go somewhere or for me to get him something form a store, I was having a hard time keeping up and it wasn't even noon. I thought I was going to go crazy, not to mention he kept making crude comments about Jamie, and honestly a few other various women he saw on TV or whatnot, but it always came back to Jamie. I wondered what the hell had gotten into him and was starting to resent him a little.

"So when's your little play thing getting here?" He shoved my arm as if it were a joke, but it really didn't feel like one.

"Stop it, seriously. She's not a 'play thing' as you so horribly put it. You know I don't do that." I wasn't in the mood for Bam or his jokes. He was my best friend and I loved him like a brother, but things like this were the reason we'd often stopped talking or got into fights. He pushed me to do things I shouldn't have done, enabled addictions I'd only been able to overcome while he was away, said things to get under my skin, but he always had a reason, it was never just to upset me. That's how I knew something was going on.

"Whatever, just answer the question." He said impatiently.

"I don't know Bam, probably in the afternoon sometime. Until then, take a nap or something. You're wearing me out already." I sighed, wanting nothing more than to lock myself in my room and wrote all day. Being alone was kind of my thing when I wrote music, I had to be alone while writing and editing, but with Bam constantly around, it was impossible.

"What an old man! Come on, let's go do something fun. I can call up Knoxville and se what he's up to, maybe if we're lucky he'll think of some cool stunt for me to do while I'm all fucked up and-"

"Bam. Stop. You're already injured and I'll be damned if I let you get more injured before you heal. You're staying here today, and taking it easy. Like the doctors said." I felt like I was being a strict parent, but you kind of had to be with a guy like Bam.

"Can't. I have a date." He said, though I found it really strange.

"Date? With who?" I asked, not really believing him. Why would he go on a date in his condition? Was this why he said his injuries would get him women?

"Well, it's more like a business meeting rather than a date. But it's with a beautiful woman." He smirked, as if I had something to be jealous about.

"Well who is she? What kind of business are you doing with her?" His behavior was so off and unlike him that I started to worry if he was using again. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was very wrong.

"None of your business!" He announced, hobbling to his feet, or, foot, more so.

"How the hell am I supposed to help you get around if you're not even going to stick around? How can you even drive?" Nothing was making sense anymore and I was starting to get frustrated.

"She's sending me a cab. Duh." He said, hitting me in the side of the head. I knew he meant it as a joke but I was just not in the mood for him.

I went on with the my day, catering to Bam and trying to keep my sanity until Jamie showed up around 2. "Thank God." I said upon opening the door for her.

"Tough day?" She asked, shutting the door behind her to get out of the cold.

"The word 'tough' doesn't even begin to cover it. I have barely had a moment to sit down." I lead her to the living room where Bam was sitting on the couch, elevating his foot, only because I forced him to, and eating the pizza he made me go get.

"Hey gorgeous!" He called out once he saw her.

"Have you been giving Ville a hard time?" She groaned, already irritated with him.

"No, Ville is just being dramatic because he can't hide in his room today. I just wanted a little pizza and a little company-"

"And a little beer and a milkshake and cigarettes and coffee and candy and 2 sub sandwiches and chips.. Should I go on?" I interrupted him, not willing to take his shit. "Not to mention you couldn't just give me a list. Every time I come home you have something else for me to go out and get."

"Dude, I feel like shit, okay? I just want to feel better and I thought you were trying to help me do that, but apparently that's too much to ask after getting into a fucking car accident." He kind of shot it at me like I'd done something terribly offensive.

"Are you joking? I've done everything you've asked, no questions or complaints, and that's what you have to say? Not even a simple 'thank you' or anything?" I could feel my blood start to boil, and I didn't even know why I was getting so mad. I didn't have much of a temper, and it took a lot to upset me, but the things coming out of his mouth were just infuriating me. A lot of the anger probably came from not being able to get away from him when he'd first started to piss me off.

"Ville, please." Jamie said, calmly.

"Yeah, this is what I have to deal with." Bam rolled his eyes. Was he trying to pit Jamie against me?

"Bam, that's enough." She said, sounding strict. "He's done a lot to help you, okay? Don't take advantage of his kindness."

"Sorry J, I just feel awful, you know? I'm frustrated." He used a tone that mimicked a child, and this act may have had Jamie fooled, but not me. I was somewhat catching on to his game.

"Look, I understand." She said, kneeling down to him and placing her hand on his arm. "But you have to be more kind to Ville, he's doing what he can to keep you comfortable and well. I'm going to stick around for a while so just relax, okay? And maybe a 'thank you' wouldn't hurt every once in a while."

"You're right. Sorry, thank you." He said, putting his hand over hers, but I could see something in his eyes that was manipulative. I wasn't wrong, he was fucking with me.

"Well, if you're not feeling well then why are you going out on a date tonight?" I asked, calling him out. It was probably a dick move, but I couldn't contain myself. He wasn't about to get Jamie's sympathy by being fake.

"What date?" Jamie asked, like I knew she would.

"I told you, it's a business meeting. She's sending a cab." He brushed it off like it was no big deal, but I could tell I struck a nerve.

"Oh? Is that why you felt the need to call it a date first? And mention it was supposedly with a beautiful woman?" I crossed my arms, feeling victorious.

"Jamie, can you just make him leave me alone right now? I'm getting upset." He pouted like a fucking baby, not having much of a response for me.

"Ville, would you mind meeting me in the kitchen?" She asked as she stood and went straight there without waiting for an answer. Shit.

"Please tell me you see through all that." I begged quietly as I walked in behind her.

"I know, he's milking it. I get it, but can you just go easy on him? You know him, he doesn't stop his life for anything, especially when there's a woman involved." I couldn't believe she wasn't seeing what I saw.

"You don't understand, he's never acted like this toward me. He's running me around like a servant, making sexual comments about you to piss me off, doing literally everything he can to win your affection. Don't you see it?" I felt like I was crazy, like I was seeing things that weren't there, or that I was paranoid. But I wasn't, right? This wasn't paranoia. I wasn't making it up.

"Look I know he's a handful, but he's your best friend. Once he heals up a bit he can go back ot his place and things will go back to normal. You're just stressed out, you're not used to sharing your home, especially with someone as demanding and wild as you know he can be." She talked sweetly, but it only made me more frustrated.

"I lived with Jonna, I have plenty of experience with demanding and wild. It's not the situation, it's Bam. Just pay attention, believe me, you'll see it." I was so sure of it, if she would just see things from where I stood she'd understand.

"Hush, you're getting upset." She looked sad, which wasn't a surprise. She hadn't really seen me angry before, but this was nothing compared to what it could have been. This was mild irritation compared to the anger I could have felt. "Did you take your astma medication?"

"Yes." I said, harsh, before I even thought about it. "No." I admitted, only after realizing that I had been too distracted by everything to take them.

"Okay, why don't you go take them while I make you some coffee? We can sit on the back porch swing and talk for a while." Her beautifully kind eyes and warm heart made it difficult to disobey her. I understood that she didn't want any fighting, and she really didn't want Bam stressed out as it wouldn't help him hea any faster, but I couldn't help but feel like she didn't believe me.

I went to my room and took my medication and laid down on my bed. I closed my eyes, only just then realizing how tired I was. I sighed, praying this nightmare would be over soon. I had enough problems without Bam coming in and fucking things up. By the time I was able to gather myself and calm down a bit, Jamie was already waiting for me with a mug in her hand and her coat on.

"Thank you." I said as she passed me the hot mug.

"Careful, it's still really hot." She smiled and opened the back door to wait for me on the swing.

I grabbed a coat and went outside with her. I immediately lit a cigarette and brought my knees to my chest, mor ein frustration than cold. "I'm not trying to be an asshole, I'm really not. He's just so crude and demanding with me, then you come around and he acts like he's just so sick and hurt. I'm sure it sucks and all, but he doesn't act like that when it's just me. I can't help but feel like he's messing with me." I stayed calm, to my surprise. Maybe the few moments of silence helped.

"I don't know why he'd suddenly want to hurt you Ville. And I'm not saying he's not, maybe he is, I don't know, but we'll just have to wait and see what happens." She shrugged, probably feeling a little torn as my story didn't seem to line up with how Bam was acting.

I suddenly realized that maybe she was being so passive about it because she still felt guilty about Bam getting hurt. Maybe that was why she wouldn't see it for what it was. "Okay sweetheart." I nodded, taking a nice, long drag of my cigarette. I held it in for a moment, letting the smoke swirl around my lungs, even though it hurt when I did that. I let out it out in a slow, careful breath, letting the thick smoke swirl and roll off my lips into the cold air.

"Are you okay? I didn't mean to upset you, I just don't want you two to fight." She looked sad and conflicted, and I felt bad for getting so upset with her in the kitchen.

"I know you don't, it's okay. Hell, maybe you're right. Bam 24/7 isn't easy. I just need a break." I knew it wasn't totally true, but I really just said it for her sake. I was still 100% watching Bam and making sure he wasn't making advances on Jamie.

"Well, maybe we can ask Mige or Linde to come by and sit with him while we go do something? What do you want to do?" She asked, scooting a little closer to me, likely for warmth.

I honestly just wanted to lay in bed, maybe write, maybe watch movies with her, I wasn't sure, really, I just knew I didn't want to do much. "Can we just go back to your place and watch a movie or something?"

She looked surprised at my answer, she must have expected something else. "Sure, I suppose so. But Bane is home today, I don't know if you really want to deal with him right know," She knew me well.

"Vitun helvettiin." I groaned, leaning my head back in agony. There was just no winning for me.

"Is that a swear word?" She giggled, makingme break my angst and smile.

"Yes love. It means 'fucking hell.' I'm surprised you haven't heard me use it."

"Vitun helvettiin." She repeated, as she often did to remember things. "Got it. Teach me something else." She said, and even though I knew she was just distracting me from my shitty day, I gave in to her.

I turned to lay my head in her lap and rested my feet over the railing of the swing. "Hmm, let's see.." I said, wondering what to teach her. "Oh I know. Bam on kusipää" I laughed, making myself feel better.

"Did you just call Bam a mean name?" She asked, trying to sound strict but chuckling through it.

"Kyllä." I nodded, teaching her that it meant "Yes."

"So what does kusipää mean then, exactly?" She asked, looking down at me, amused.

"It could mean a lot of things. Like bastard, asshole, twat, you name it. It's just a rude name." I shrugged, liking her amusement.

"Okay, teach me something that's not so rude." She moved the hair out of my face then started running her fingers through it, making me tired.

"Alright." I took another deep inhale off my cigarette as I thought about what to teach her. "Rakkastettu."

"And what does rakkastettu mean?" Her gorgeous eyes glimmered in the brightness of the snow as she looked upon me, I felt as if I were graced by a divine being.

"Rakkastettu, rakas, kultaseni, kulta, as you're familiar with, are all, as you would say, 'not so rude' to call someone." I thought it was humorous, but she just smiled and looked at me in some sort of admiration that I didn't quite understand.

"You call me 'kulta' like you call me 'love' or 'darling,' right? And all of those mean the same thing?" She asked, twirling my hair lightly around her fingers.

"Somewhat. It would be about the same difference between 'love' or 'darling' or 'baby.' They're all affectionate terms." I explained. I found I liked teaching her my language, it was kind of fun to expand my culture to her.

"You call a lot of people some of those things." She noted, which was true. "Is there a difference?"

"Of course. Using terms like that with people you don't know or have just met is normal back home, like calling someone 'honey' or 'hon' seems to be common here in the states, especially the Midwest and southern states. It's a Scandanavian thing. But, there are, of course, differences when you use those terms on someone you're actually attracted to or involved with." I hoped that she understood that the things I called her were not meant for anyone else, not in the way I intended them anyway.

"Good to know." She smiled, seemingly satisfied with my answer. "Finnish is hard. I have no idea how they even teach it to young kids."

"Try learning English as a second language. It's not easy, especially when you find out that they're, their, and there, are all different, that thought doesn't sound like though or through, or that some letters in words are in fact silent, that the letters C and X are necessary for some reason, and there are so many words that look exactly the same that sound different and have different meanings and the only way to know which is which is by context. English is much harder, Finnish is more logical." I found that I probably shouldn't have started this conversation as I could have gone on for days. "Sorry, I must be boring you."

"No, it's actually really interesting to hear you talk about it. I never even thought of some of that." She looked entertained, which made me happy. I liked her interest in the things we talked about like this.

"Kinda lonely in here." Bam said as he poked his head out of the door, too lazy to just grab a coat and walk out.

"We'll be inside in a minute." Jamie answered, still maintaining her sweet personality.

"It's been forever, come on. I'm lonely." He pouted, giving her a dramatic sad face.

"You know Bam, you'd be a lot less lonely if you'd be nicer to your best friend, who, frankly, you owe an apology. A real one." For some reason, she turned back to her normal self, no guilt riding her for a moment.

"Sorry man." He said, even though it was kind of half assed, it was enough to sound a little real.

"Whatever." I rolled my eyes and sat up. "Let's go in darling." I stood and made my way back in the house, the warm air taking over me much like it does when you walk into a sauna.

The rest of the night went about as well and one could imagine. It was hell. I was relieved when we heard a taxi honking from the driveway around 7pm. "That's me. Don't wait up for me." He winked to let us know he intended to have sex with the girl he was meeting supposedly on business. "You know J, you could join us. A third party is always welcome in my bed."

"Give me a fucking break." I said, though I hadn't really meant to say it out loud.

"Excuse me?" He said, kind of just surprised I'd said something so outwardly rude.

"I said 'give me a fucking break.' Why don't you just give it a rest? Your disgusting banter isn't impressing anyone, you're making yourself look like an asshole." A lot of that was unintended as well, but at this point I kind of just couldn't keep my mouth shut.

"You're lucky I'm getting laid tonight, otherwise I'd be a lot more willing to go over there and kick your fucking ass." He threatened as he hobbled his way to the door on his crutch.

"No, you are lucky you're getting laid tonight. And I would absolutely love to see you walk over here on two feet and kick my ass." I knew I was pissng him off, but I also knew he didn't want to loose his cool in front of a woman. Unfortunately for me, I was about to.

"You know what? You're a fucking dick Valo." He said, slowly making his way out of the door, struggling.

"You'd know one if you saw one, wouldn't you?" I said slyly with a smile on my face.

"You wouldn't know your own dick from a pole. You can't even sleep with a girl who has practically been begging you to fuck her since you met." He smirked at the pissed off look on my face, as we all knew exactly who he was referring to.

"Get the fuck out. Do not come back." I managed to keep my voice relatively calm, but my shaking hands and glaring eyes didn't make me look very calm.

"I thought that one would get you." He laughed, knowing exactly what he'd just done. "J, baby, let me know when you feel like actually having a good time." He winked at her and I about lost my shit. I balled up my fists, trying to stop myself from punching him in his arrogant face but it just wasn't working.

"You worthless peice of fucking shit!" It was the closest I'd come to yelling, aside from shows, sine who knew when, probably the last time Bam and I fought. It was hard to piss me off, but he'd done it, and he did it well. I took a step forward, ready to destroy him, until Jamie jumped in front of me and put her hands on my chest, pushing me back to where I was standing.

"No! No, stop." She said, her voice a little shaky. "Bam get the fuck out of here!" She yelled,having to push back on my chest a little harder as I was beginning to ignore her pleas of peace.

Bam had a bit of a scared look on his face, but he stumbled out of the dor and got in his cab, quickly pulling out and heading away. "He better fucking pray to God he doesn't cross my path." I glared at the door, unable to even focus on nything but my anger.

"Ville, hush, please, he's gone." She begged, visibly upset. I hadn't meant to upset her, but I was enraged. Although it was really interesting to just sit in my anger, to let it boil and overwhelm me. Anger wasn't an emotion I often gave into, so it was enlightening to kind of feel it out and understand it.

"I'm done. He can find someone else to cater to him." I stormed off into the kitchen, starting to clean up the gigantic mess he'd left. Dishes were strewn everywhere, empty food containers and pop cans lying around, hell, even wasted food that I specifically remembered asking him not to touch was sitting out, rotting.

As I started cleaning up, I was kind of harsh with how I handled things. I slammed around the things I cleaned up, but I really regretted it when I carelessly threw a mug in the direction of the sink and it smashed onto the tile, shattering, which pissed me off more. I felt like a bomb, I could have gone off at any second, hell, I already had. As I cleaned up the glass from the floor, I cut the shit out of my hand. The cut wasn't all that deep, but I was one to bleed a lot over the smallest injuries.

"Ville? Are you okay?" She asked from behind me.

"I'm fine." I could hear the anger in my voice but I couldn't stop it from coming.

I made my way to the bathroom, walking by Jamie who obviously just noticed the amount of blood dripping on the floor behind me. "Oh my God!" She followed me to the bathroom where I washed off the cut and dried it off, doing a shit job of taking care of it. "Here, let me see."

"I've got it." I said, not wanting to bother with it.

"Just let me help you." She tried to take my hand but I pulled it away from her.

"Jamie, stop. I can handle it, leave it the fuck alone." I snapped, I knew I was taking things out on her a little but it was just so hard not to. The fight was still fresh in my mind and it still overwhelmed me in the worst way.

She pulled her hand back to her chest, looking kind of hurt and shocked."Sorry." She practically whispered as she slowly turned and walked away from me.

I threw a band-aid on my hand and called it good, even though It didn't do shit. I'd bled halfway through it before I even left the bathroom. I was pissed off to care. I stepped out on the back porch, not bothering to get a jacket. I took the time to chain smoke a bit, trying to relieve the anger. I started to feel bad for getting upset with Jamie, I ha never been so harsh with her before, and she really didn't even do anything wrong.

I went back inside to apologize, but all I found was a note on the coffee table. " Ville, sorry I upset you. I didn't mean to make things worse. I went home for the night so you can relax. I'll see you later. -Jamie"

Shit. I left the note on the table and grabbed myself a beer from the fridge, hoping to just calm the hell down. I couldn't believe how out of control my anger had gotten. I hadn't even bothered to finish cleaning up or picking up the broken glass.

I went to my room and sat down on my bed, hoping inspiration would come, and it did, but the things I wrote were hateful and angry, and that wasn't really a message I wanted to share with the world, so they ended up in a garbage can.

After about 2 hours for writing and scraping and guitar playing, I got frustrated and gave up. I felt like there was no helping me. What a fucking shitty day.

My guilt kind of got the best of me and forced me to text Jamie. "Hey." I said, simply.

I waited another hour before realizing that she wasn't going to message me back. I felt like I really hurt her feelings, which in turn made me feel bad, but thankfully the anger was going away, and it was turning to guilt, which was good in a sense. I didn't know how to deal with anger, but guilt was familiar. That, I could handle.

I decided to leave her alone. Maybe I should have texted her an apology or tried to call her, but I felt like bugging her too much would make her angry. I went to bed, pretty early at that, not wanting to think about everything anymore.

2 days went by before I had enough. Jamie wouldn't answer my calls or texts, I hadn't heard from Bam (which was better) and no one else tried to contact me. It was two days of pure loneliness, which I found I only liked for brief periods of time. I wrote a lot, which was good, but it was the only good thing to come of the few silent days.

I decided to call Mige, in hopes of breaking this cycle. "Ville, what's up?" He answered.

"Mige, what are you doing?" I asked, glad he even answered.

"Me and Linde and Jamie all have plans to go out later." He didn't sound angry at me, but he did sound like parent who was trying to hint at their kid.

"She's mad at me, isn't she?" I sighed, already knowing the answer.

"Well she isn't thrilled about what happened." She must have gone to him for comfort, which was okay for me. I trusted Mige, and by this point, it sounded like she'd told him a lot of what was going on between us. "Look, I know you care about her and you want to be with her and all that, but if you want that, you have to put your anger for Bam aside. You can't take shit out on her, she doesn't deserve that. She's a nice girl Ville, don't ruin this."

"So she told you, huh? I didn't mean to keep it from you, I've just been going through a lot of shit lately and I thought it would be best to keep things simple and quiet." I wasn't very surprised that she told him, nor did it bother me. He definitely deserved to know, I actually needed to sit down with him and talk about a lot of things.

"I know. I think it's funny that you thought someone had to tell me when you're in love!" He laughed, as if it were so obvious.

"I'm not in love." I said, slightly defensive.

"I have known you since we were kids, I know when you're in love. And you are. Bad." He chuckled, my ignorance to this must have amused him. "Give it time. You'll realize it soon enough."

"You are mistaken, I don't love Jamie, I've only known her a few months." It was rare that I was the logical one. Usually my head was so far up love's ass that I swore I was in love after spending one night with a beautiful woman.

"Are you trying to convince me or yourself?" Fuck.

"You." I said, sounding confident, but I was really still wondering myself.

"Anyway, we're taking Jamie to the mall today, she said she wanted to go but she had no one to go with. Do you want me to tell her you're going to tag along?" He was such a good friend to both of us, I could hardly stand it.

"No, I have a better idea. I'll meet you there." I hung up the phone and jumped in the shower, washing off the smell of sweat and beer I'd been sporting for two days.

When I got out of the shower, I actually styled my hair a bit instead of just letting it dry on its own. I threw on a button up with a pair of pants and sprayed myself down with body spray. I even took the time to hide any blemished and my under eye bags with some make up I had lying around from out last photo shoot and smudged a small amount of eye liner on my lids, hoping to impress her, if only a little. I pushed my hair out of my face and sprayed it lightly with hairspray before running out to my car. It had definitely been a while since I last tried to look good.

I made a pit stop at the flower shop before I went to the mall to pick up a light purple dahlia from the green house, thanking my lucky stars that they hadn't died. Apparently a few pf the workers I hired to remodel the shop had kept them watered. I would have to remember to thank them for it.

I went off to the mall after texting Mige to find out exactly where they were. Food court.

As I approached the table, I found that Jamie's back to to me. Perfect. I snuck up behind her and wrapped one arm around her waist and presented the flower in front of her. She jumped at first, startled by someone touching her. "Ville? What are you doing?" She asked as she took the flower I offered her.

"I'm sorry for being a dick, love." I apologized, still knelt down o the ground next to her.

She looked up at Mige and Linde who just smiled and looked away, knowing that was an apology she had to accept. She smiled herself and twirled the flower around I her fingers. "I forgave you about 10 minutes after I left." She admitted, even though I wasn't sure how true it was. Maybe she did forgive me, but she sure hadn't forgotten.

"I promise, I won't take my anger out on you again." I took her hand in mine, letting her know this was genuine, and that I wasn't embarrassed of her. If I were her, having someone hide their feelings for me in front of everyone would be discouraging, and I would feel like there was shame in whatever the relationship was.

"Oh, get up." She laughed, her cheeks were red and sh looked a little embarrassed, but her smile said it wasn't all bad.

I sat in the chair next to her and waited until Mige and Linde weren't really looking, I held her hand again and kissed her cheek, hoping to see that forgiving smile once more. "I really am sorry."

"I know, it's okay. I guess I was just surprised you were so upset with me." She shrugged, though I it was a bigger deal to her than she was leading on.

"I wasn't upset with you kulta, I was upset in general. I took it out on you, but it was wrong." I copied her shrug, still feeling kind of bad. A flower and an apology couldn't take away the harsh words I'd left her with.

"Hey, let's forget about it okay? Come shopping with me." She smiled, giving my hand a light squeeze.

"Whatever you say." I winked, making her shudder, though I would never have noticed if I hadn't already known that little things like that made her weak.

Maybe things were getting better.