Beyond Redemption

Seeing Bam was not on my list of shit I wanted to do, but there I was, sitting in Jamie's car, driving to meet him at the bar. It put me in a horrible mood but I did my best to watch my mouth and tone with Jamie, I didn't want another incident.

When we walked in, he was sitting alone at a table with drinks ready for us. "Hey guys, sit down, please."

We sat across from him and I mentally prepared myself for some lame sob story like he always gave. "What?" I came out with, breaking through the awkwardness.

"Wow, right to the point. Okay." He sighed, looking like he was just trying to figure out where to start. "Look I was shitty to you the other day. I shouldn't have been such a dick head. I'm sorry."

"Is that the best apology you could come up with? 'I shouldn't have been such a dick head?' Are you kidding me? Bam, you ran me around like a servant and made horribly rude comments to Jamie, right after you found out that there was something going on between us. I think that deserves a little more of a sincere apology than that." I crossed my arms, not ready to give in to some half-assed apology.

"Look, I shouldn't have done that. I guess I was just jealous." He shrugged, looking embarrassed.

"Jealous of what?" I asked, he couldn't have possibly been jealous of my thing with Jamie, right?

"Don't get all pissed off, but honestly, I've had a thing for J since I met her. I wanted to be where you are and I treated you like shit because of it." I fucking knew it.

"Bam, you should have just said something." Jamie said, looking guilty. What?

"What would it have changed?" He asked, he looked like he felt hopeless, which he likely did.

"Well first off, you wouldn't have treated your best friend like that." She crossed her arms the same way I did as she talked. "And second, why keep it from me? For all you know I could have felt the same, especially if you hadn't been so sexual all the time. You can't treat women like toys and expect them to truly care about you." Wait.. What? I felt like every time Jamie spoke I had to wonder what the hell was happening.

"Wait a second, you're saying you like me too?" I would have loved to punch out that glimmer of hope he had in his eyes.

"Bam, you just missed the whole point of that. you're getting stuck on the wrong things. I said I might have liked you if you were just nice to me instead of harassing me." This whole thing made me feel super uncomfortable.

"Can't that change? You know I'm not a bad guy, I'd do anything for you. Hell, I can be the most romantic gu you've ever met." He pleaded, trying to convince her to give him a chance.

"Wait a second." I put my hand up, pretty much done with this conversation already. "You bring me here to apologize and then you try to take my girl? Sounds like you were only apologizing to impress Jamie."

"Well she's not your girl, actually. And if you won't actually date her I will. I'll show her off to everyone. I don't care." He smirked, and I couldn't help but wonder if this was his intention the whole time.

"So, yes, then? This whole fake apology was just to get back on her good side?" I didn't want to cause a scene but I was furious. What a horrible friend.

"No, you coming here was getting on her good side. She wanted you to make up with me, and did you ever wonder why? Oh, yeah, because she actually likes me. You just can't handle that someone you want might want me. You aren't used to not getting what you want, are you, rockstar?" He knew exaclty what he was doing and he knew the best way to piss me off. That was one of the downsides of fighting with someone who knew you inside and out.

"Stop! Right fucking now." Jamie said, standing up. I hadn't seen her angry before, not really, and this was quite the shock. "First off, I never said I had feelings for you. I said I could have if you wouldn't have been a dog. It was to teach you to be fucking nice to women."

"Oh so now you two are ganging up on me, great." Bam sat back in his chair and rolled his eyes.

"We aren't ganging up on you." She sat down and relaxed. "Look, you're a good friend, but I don't know what the hell has gotten into you. What happened to you?"

"I got feelings, okay? I got feelings for you somehow and I don't know how to deal with it. My first response it to just be a dick because that's what I'm used to. I can get pretty much whatever woman I want, but that's not enough anymore. I want something real and I want it with you." The confession made my blood boil.

"Well, take this as a learning experience. Be sweet to women, don't just try to chase them into bed with you. I promise, you will never have a real relationship with someone you don' take the time to know and care about before sex." He nodded, as if he were enlightened in some way.

"I know that now. Can we just start over?" He took her hands in his and looked her dead in the eyes, as if he were totally innocent.

"Yes, we can. But Bam, you can't treat me like one of those girls you want to sleep with. I refuse to be your friend if that's how you're going to treat me." I couldn't believe this shit.

"I promise, I'll be nicer to you. I won't make sexual jokes about you anymore." She was far too easily won over by niceties. She either had no idea what his real intentions were or she just didn't care. He was trying to "start over" so he could have sex with her, I knew Bam. He changed for no one. He was going to be the nicest he could to her, and he was going to try to win her over.

"I would appreciate that." She smiled, taking her hands from him and putting them in her lap.

"This is fucking bullshit." I stood up and finished my drink as fast as I could, which was only a few gulps.

I made my way to the door, beyond done with Bam but Jamie ran after me and grabbed my arm. "What the hell? Where are you going?"

"Home, Jamie. Alone." I pulled my arm from her and kept walking, not so thrilled with her.

She ran in front of me to stop my pace. "Why? He apologized, he's not going to me crude anymore. Isn't that what we wanted?" She looked frustrated with me, but she should have known me a little better than that. Hell, she should have known Bam better than that.

"Of course it is, but he's not doing all this to mend a few friendships, he's doing this so you'll date him. Don't you get that? This whole thing is a ploy to win you over." I thought she was far too forgiving, and maybe a little blind for her own good.

"He's not going to win me over. You know how I feel about you." The frustration on her face actually confused me, how was she not getting this?

"That's not the point! The point is that he's supposed to be my best friend and he treated me like shit and is trying to take away someone he knows I care for on a romantic level. Friends do not do that to each other. And you just forgave him for it all, you didn't even consider how that whole conversation made me feel. And now, this whole thing became a battle for your affection. You watch, that's exactly what this has just turned into. He's going to try to make you want him, and if I don't do something about it, I'll probably lose you. This whole fucking mess is nothing but a game to him but it's going to end up ruining someone's life, and I fucking hope like hell it's not yours." I felt like I was being too harsh with her, especially with the hurt look on her face, but maybe she needed a small dose of reality. Maybe she needed to hear the hard truth of it all.

"Ville, you're thinking too much into this. Just go talk to him and-"

"No. I'm done. I told you yesterday that I didn't want to do this and I did it anyway. It's my decision now. Not yours." I carefully moved her to the left so I could get by her, making sure she knew I wasn't pushing her or touching her in anger. I just wanted to leave, to go home, to be alone.

I hailed a cab to take me home, and once I got there, I opened up a beer and started drinking. I was so beyond done that I didn't even want to be conscious anymore, let alone sober. I sat on my couch and drank in silence, trying to let the anger go through me like it had before, I hoped that if I just let myself feel it that it would go through me and I could deal with it faster. It seemed to help me relax a little, or maybe it was the beer, but it was enough to put me to sleep.

I took the next few days to recooperate, I had Mige and Burton over quite a bit so I could tell them what was going on. I made it a priority to tell them things that were going on, I wanted to make sure they were still informed about my life, they were life long friends, they wanted me to open up to them.

After I'd explained the whole situation, Mige, as expected, tried to get me to see things from Jamie's point of view. "Bam is pretty good at manipulating people, and she thinks he just trying to turn over a new leaf, you know? She wants him to be nicer, to succeed."

"No, no." Burton held up a hand, to my surprise. "Look, Jamie is a grown woman. She can make her own decisions and assumptions, but I think she's wrong. She never should have forgiven Bam for that, it was a cheap shot on his part, but she was too blind to see it. She needs to stop giving him her blind trust."

"You're not being very understanding. She's a sweet girl, she sees the best in everyone." Mige reasoned, which was true.

"No, she's seeing what she wants to see. Maybe she does have a thing for Bam." He shrugged, making me feel worse.

"This is not helping at all." I laid back on the couch and rubbed my eyes, unsure of what to think anymore. I looked down at my buzzing phone and it was her call again. She tried periodically through the last few days to contact me, but really all I gave her were passive text messages, telling her I was busy or I just didn't feel like talking. I didn't fight with her, and I didn't completely ignore her, but I wasn't really talking to her either. "It's her. Should I answer?"

"No. She needs to think long and hard about what she wants. You can't have someone fluid in your life, especially after the Jonna fiasco."

"Yes. Answer. She deserves a chance to explain herself, and maybe even show you a knew light." Mige said, giving me that "You should do it" look.

"Fuck." I hit answer. "Yeah?"

"Ville, I'm surprised you answered." She seemed shy, like she didn't even know what to say.

"What do you need?" She already knew I wasn't thrilled with her, I wasn't going to pretend everything was fine.

"I just wanted to talk to you abou the other day. Can you meet me for lunch today?" Her voice was a little shaky and nervous.

"I don't think so. We have band practice today, our show is in a little less than two weeks, We need to prepare." It wasn't a lie, but I probably could have made the time for lunch.

"Oh, right." She was quiet for a moment and Mige was just shaking his head at me in disapproval. "I guess I'll let you go then. Sorry to other you. I guess just let me know when you have a minute to talk."

I suddenly felt kind of bad, maybe Mige was right. Maybe I owed her a chance to talk to me about it. "You know what, why don't you stop by our practice and we can talk after?"

I received a nod of approval from Mige and a look of disappointment from Burton. "Are you sure? I don't want to-"

"Yes, I'm sure." I hadn't really realized that I missed her voice until just then. Shit. Was it even possible to be angry with her for a lengthy amount of time? Probably not.

"Okay. Well, text me an address. What time is okay to show up?" She sounded a bit eager, but still somewhat withdrawn.

"We'll be there around 2. Come any time after that."

"Okay. I'll see you then. Bye."

I hung up the phone and rubbed my temples, not even sure of my decision making abilities anymore. "You did the right thing."

"Did I?" I asked, not sure of much anymore.

"Ville, don't deny it, you love her and you know it. Don't tell me you don't." This conversation again.

"Maybe I do." I cracked, more out of frustration than anything, but just then it seriously hit me. I loved her. I loved Jamie. "Oh fuck." I sat up quickly, shocked by my own thoughts and feelings.

"There it is." He gloated, sitting back and crossing his arms. "I was wondering when it was going to hit you."

"What the fuck do I do?" I asked, kind of in a panic. "I'm going to see her today. What the hell am I supposed to say to her?"

"Nothing! Don't tell her shit!" Bruton said, frantic.

"He's right, don't tell her."I hadn't expected Mige to agree. "This literall just hit you, okay? And I know Jamie pretty well, and I know she feels the same, but it hasn't quite made it as far as punching her in the gut like it just did to you. You have to wait until it hits her. You don't want to scare her off, you're not even a real couple yet. Take. It. Easy."

"Oh my god." I ran my fingers through my hair, feeling winded. I couldn't believe I hadn't realized until then, I had an idea, and I knew it was probably coming, but I didn't expect the realization to feel so powerful, so.. Sudden. It was like I'd gotten hit by a train, something wonderful but scary and terrifying overwhelemed me and I had no idea how to deal with it. I hadn't gotten this kind of feeling before the first time I told Jonna I loved her, not even close. I think I grew to love her, in a sense. But this was jst mind boggling to me. How could I refrain from saying something?

"Don't panic, it's alright. This is what it's supposed to feel like." I remembered Mige, the day of my wedding, telling me something about how I was supposed to feel a little scared, but confident. He'd said that when you know you love someone, it hits you, and when it does, there's no going back and you'll never not love them, no matter what. He knew I didn't love Jonna the way I was supposed to all along, but I wouldn't listen to him. Maybe now was the time to listen.

"It's scary." I said, unable to even think straight.

"Good. That means it's real." Mother fucking hell.

By 2 we were all set up and ready for practice. I went about it as I normally did, hoping the distraction of the music would help my nerves, and it did, until I saw Jamie's small figure appear from behind the door into the theater we'd rented out. My heart started to race and I felt my hands shaking, which felt terribly unnatural for me while I was singing, that kind of thing didn't happen. Singing calmed me, calmed my nerves, but maybe I was just too shaken by her and my realization to be calmed.

We went on playing through our planned set, and I purposefully ignored her, no, avoided her. At all costs. I didn't look at her much after she walked in, because I found it distracted me, I messed up lyrics, I got lost in the song, sang the same thing twice. We had to restart at least 3 songs before I tried to pretend she wasn't there. I hadn't ever felt so weird or shaken by her, by anyone. This feeling I had made me wonder if Mige was right all along about what love was supposed to feel like.

After we got everything put away, I found myself trying to find something to do, to try to look busy so I could delay talking to Jamie. Mige and Linde had sat down with her to keep her company, so it wasn't like she was just standing around waiting for me, but I had to relax first. I couldn't just go talk to her after everything. I was supposed to be upset with her, I was upset with her, but somehow I just couldn't keep focused on it. There were way too many emotions and mixed feelings for any interaction with her. I snuck out the back door and started smoking, hoping to clear my head and start thinking clearly.

I was able to stand alone for about 15 minutes before Mige came to find me. "What are you doing? Jamie has been waiting on you." He looked a little frustrated with me, and rightfully so.

"Sorry, I'm just trying to gather myself before I talk to her." I hoped I didn't look as shaken as I felt.

"Ville, you look like you're going to be sick, just relax. I know this is a big deal, and I know you're freaking out and scared, but don't run from it, don't run from her. And nothing has changed, remember that. You loved her before today, it just didn't get a chance to punch you in the gut until today. She still has no idea how you feel, so go in there, act cool, and talk out your problems. You've been ignoring her for days, it's time to man up and face her." It was tough love, and I knew that, but I couldn't help but feel he didn't understand, though he probably understood more than anyone. After all, he was the one to open my eyes.

I put out my cigarette and stepped back inside, heading for Jamie. She was hard to approach, not only because of the argument we had, but because I now knew the full extent of how I felt, and it made everything feel different, it was like seeing in color for the first time. I noticed all the things I'd noticed before, her radiant smile, her bright eyes, that soft laugh of hers that made angels sound obnoxious, it was all there before me as it always had been, but now it felt overwhelming, but comfortable, just looking at her brought me to a better place, even though we weren't on the best terms. She was like the sun on a cold winter day, and I craved warmth.

"Jamie." I said as I approached her, trying to sound confident.

"Ville, hey." She stood to greet me, but she looked a little awkward, like she wasn't sure if she should hug me, shake my hand, or completely make no contact. She chose the last option. "Can we talk?"

"Yes, of course, come with me." I lead her to the control room of the theater where no one could hear, I thought it be best that we do this alone. "So talk." I tried my best to sound tough, to let out a little of the anger I still felt, that way she wouldn't suspect how my world had just been flipped upside down.

"I'm so sorry about the other night. I know you're upset with Bam, and you have the right to be. I just thought that he was being sincere, it felt like he really wanted to restart and stop acting so terrible to women, or at least me." She talked with her hands, nervously. I could see she was stressed out and that there was a lot of tension between us.

"I know, but you've got to see this from my perspective this time. Bam isn't the sweet, noble, 'I want to change' kind of guy he's trying to make you think he is. I've known him a long time, and believe me when I tell you that he's just trying to get you to sleep with him. He wants you to think he's changed, that he's this amazing, romantic guy, and then he's going to make you turn on me. He's going to throw it in you face that we aren't a public couple, he's going to make you wonder what you're doing with me, he's going to make you think you're wasting your time. I know his games, and believe me, you will end up hurt. I do not want that." I crossed my arms over my chest, feeling the frustration I'd felt in the days prior.

"Why do you think that?" She asked, looking worried. I knew she just wanted to see Bam as the good guy that she'd come to know, but I had to be real with her, that guy wasn't genuine, not all the time. Not this time.

"I told you, I know Bam and I know his games. He's a champion and getting married women to sleep with him, and I can just imagine what he could do with a woman who isn't legally bound to a man."

"Okay." She sighed, though I could see she didn't completely see eye to eye with me on this. "Look, you two come back together for a reason. I know you fight a lot, but is this that much different than anything else you've fought about?" I could see she was trying to reason with me, and I had to respect her for seeing the good in our friendship, but she really had no idea of the gravity of the situation.

"It is a lot different. We don't fight over women, never have. We fight about drug use and sobriety. Not to mention he's never tried to stab me in the back like this. You may not think he's trying to get with you, and that's fine, but I know he is, and he knows he is. There's a damn line and he's crossed it already, and he's only making it worse. If he were my real friend, he wouldn't be hitting on you and trying to romance you toward him. He knows me and he should know how I feel about you."

Her eye brow raised and she got a curious look on her face. "How do you feel?"

"We've talked about this." I mentioned, not wanting to get wrapped up in what I was hiding from her.

"We have. But if you feel that way, then why are we still hiding this? You say you're committed to me, that you want me and only me, and that's amazing, really, but you still insist we stay a secret, unlike a normal relationship." She spoke calmly, and honestly I felt bad when she used this tone, but I could practically hear Bam's words being spoken through her. He'd already started getting to her, I knew he'd start with that.

"I just want to give the media some time to get away from me, especially back home. I want to keep this quiet for now, so we can actually enjoy it without having to defend ourselves form people who want nothing more than a good cover story. It's to protect us and give us our best chance. Having a relationship with me is already abnormal on its own, I don't want to add in bad attention from reporters." I tucked my hand in my pockets, hoping she'd understand that everything I did, I did for her and the relationship we shared.

She nodded, seemingly to be satisfied with my answer. "I just want things to be normal. I want to be able to go to a movie with you, go out to dinner, shopping, whatever, without being worried someone is going to say something bad about you, or make you look bad for being with someone close to your divorce. But when is the right time? When do we stop caring? Is there ever going to be a right time?"

"I know, I know." I stepped closer to her and ran my hands up and down her arms, I found her skin soft and warm, just like I'd craved. "But we will figure all this out as we go along. Please, one day at a time. That's about all I can handle right now. I am not trying to keep you a secret, I am not ashamed of you, and I care about you so much, please know these things. I am trying to make things easy, especially since once you come to Helsinki, you're going to have reporters on you, yelling questions at you, following you, doing what they can to get an inside story. I want to make sure you're prepared for all that. It's daunting, even for me."

"I understand." She nodded, still looking like she was insecure about it, but she was really trying. I couldn't imagine her being able to fully understand what it was like to be a bad headline, but she was sensitive, I had to make sure she was prepared for it and could handle it before throwing her into it, plus, the more time I spent out of the media, the less they cared about my personal relationships after Jonna. I wasn't expected to never move on, but I was expected to give it more time.

"Please, be patient with me. I promise, we can go to that movie, the dinner dates, shopping, hell, I'll take you to our shows, interviews, you name it I'll take you there. Just give me until you come see me for Christmas. That's all I ask of you." I felt like I was begging her, which seemed strange. I knew she cared about me, and I already knew she'd be okay with what I asked of her, but I still wanted her spoken approval, so I was sure of it.

"Okay." She nodded once and looked into my eyes for what seemed like the first time in so long. "Until Christmas."

"You won't regret it darling." I kissed her forehead and I finally felt at ease. I brought her into and embrace, feeling so different than I had last time. I felt the dire need to protect her, especially from Bam, like it was my job to guard her form pain.

"I missed you." She sighed into my neck, sending shivers down my spine.

"Olen pahoillani." I felt bad for not having this conversation sooner, apparently we needed to have it.

"What does that mean?" She asked, her curiosity peaking.

"It means 'I'm sorry.' I shouldn't have shut you out."

"Don't, I've done it to you too. I understand. Sometimes it's better to just stay away for a while than to fight." She shrugged, thought it was nice knowing she understood.

"As for our Bam problem, I'll go half way with you." I pulled her back so I could look at her while I talked. "We'll give Bam his chance at redemption. We'll wait and see what he does instead of just assuming things. But, I refuse to pretend to be friends with him. He is not forgiven. And if it turns out that I'm wrong and he really does want to change for good reasons, then I will apologize. But I don't expect to be wrong." I warned, feeling like this was fair of me.

"Sounds like a plan." She smiled. I felt like I was only being tolerant of this situation because I didn't want to break her heart and make her wonder if he was being honest or if he was just trying to get in her pants. None of this would benefit me at all and I could only hope that in the end, I would be the one apologizing. But like I'd told Jamie, I didn't expect to be wrong.