Beyond Redemption

Flowers. It was all I could think of to tame the wickedness of my wife.

Temporarily moving to America wasn't exactly what Jonna had in mind, but I was a musician, and she knew what it meant when she married me. It meant inconsistency, travel, it even meant a lot of frustration over songs not working and arguing with labels and long bouts of absence on my side. But this was nothing new to her, I was singing long before I'd even met her. Sometimes I felt like she wanted me to give it up.

The main reason Jonna was so upset about the move to America was because it interfered with her modeling career, although she hadn't even been to an audition in months. She was selfish, cold sometimes, even bitter, but I cared for her in the way a man cares for his wife, but knowing what I know now, I cannot say the love she had for me was passionate and real. I thought it was, but as time went on, we'd grown apart and it tore my heart in two. She wasn't the woman I married, nor was she the woman I'd fallen in love with. By this point it was an empty marriage, it felt wrong in many ways, but that wasn't how I ever thought I would live.

In all the music I'd ever written, there was always a deep sense of love and connection, even it was in the form of sadness, there was always a certain romance to everything we, as a band, produced. Everything I sang was real and full of passion, because that was the kind of man I was, but I was living in a marriage with someone who barely slept in the same bed with me on my nights home.

I thought that the flowers could be a new start, an apology on my end for my absence, an apology for asking her to come stay with me over the next how ever many months we would be in America, and a promise to try harder as a husband to keep her happy. I wanted to restore the love we had, the romance, the deep connection I felt we once shared, but she wasn't so easy to convince.

"Apology flowers? Seriously? Could you be any more thoughtless?" She rolled her eyes and turned her back to me, continuing to clean up the kitchen as she was doing before I came home.

"I thought you liked flowers. I picked out lilies of the valley to remind you of home. I don't know, I thought you'd be happy." I shrugged, feeling disappointed. I felt like every attempt I made with her to make our relationship better only made it worse.

"Yes Ville, remind me of the one place I want to be that I can't be. Good job." Sarcasm tainted her lips and poisoned my hope. I knew it was only a bouquet of flowers, but they meant more than that and she wouldn't even stop being angry long enough to listen.

"Look, you do not have to be here. I will put you on the next flight home if that would make you happy, but I can't come with you. I have people here expecting me to show up on a daily basis, I have a job that I need to do. And Jonna, love, I'm sorry, you know I would do about anything to make you happy, but I already flew everyone out here. We are not the only ones who made sacrifices to be here." I tried to get her to understand that if I just went back home, I'd have some very angry people on my hands, they'd given up the same things I had to record in America. It was a dream of ours and now that it was happening, I couldn't just bail on them.

"Oh you'd love that wouldn't you? Then no one would be here to say that you can't sleep around with other women." She constantly accused me of cheating on her, although I never had. She was convinced I was some kind of play thing to the women (and maybe even men, who knows?) that listened to HIM. She was so sure that people just flocked toward me begging for sex and expecting to get it, but the reality was that I never gave attention to the people that went so far as to ask for sexual favors. I was untouchable, in a way. I did nothing I didn't want to, talked to no one I didn't want to talk to. I was always faithful to Jonna, but she could never believe it.

"What do you want from me? I've tried time and time again to please you but you remain unsatisfied. What is it, Jonna?" I was getting frustrated and quite frankly it showed. I didn't like to be cross with her, it wasn't really even in my nature to be the least bit angry either. This had been building for a long time and I could feel this relationship turning sour.

"I don't know Ville." She spat, coming to her breaking point. "I want to go home. This place doesn't even feel like my home. And maybe.." She stopped for a moment, contemplating, and chose to go on. "Maybe we need some time apart. Maybe I need to stay at home while you're here recording."

"You're sure? You want to go home? We've barely been here two days, you don't want to try to give it a chance?" I thought maybe a change in scenery would help us, bring us together somehow. I was fighting for a relationship that was crumbling, but I wasn't so ready to admit it yet.

"Ville, I want time apart. Not just me going home, okay? Apart." She was calm, which was a first. When we fought she always yelled, so she must have been terribly serious.

"You want a divorce?" I clarified. The thought of her leaving me tore me apart, I made a vow to stand by her side forever and I took it seriously, but what was there to do when she wanted to break those vows?

"I want a separation for the time being. If I find myself happier without you, then yes. I'll want a divorce." She didn't look sad or strained like you'd expect. She looked relaxed, as if we weren't talking about ending our marriage.

"Alright." I agreed, as if I had another choice. "I'll get your plane ticket home tonight. Make sure you gather all your things by morning. I'll arrange for a cab to pick you up and take you home from Helsinki-Vantaa Airport." I wanted to make sure her journey home was comfortable and easy. Maybe the time apart would help after all, although I wasn't sure how it would be any different than the months I'd spent touring.

"Actually, I won't be staying at home Ville. I'm going to stay with my mother." Her decision seemed too serious to be real, too fast to have just happened before my eyes.

"You don't intend to fight for the relationship do you?" I asked, knowing her all too well. I knew she'd go home, be sad for a while, then ultimately be convinced, either by herself or by someone else, that our relationship needed to end. She wouldn't come back home, not after she gathered her things. I hated to see the years of our relationship unravel like this, but I couldn't say I didn't know it was going to happen.

"I don't know yet." She shrugged and slowly made her way to our- well, her room. We'd just gotten here, I felt like she wasn't giving this enough time to feel like our place, to feel like we could make this our temporary home. She was the one who demanded we get a rental house instead of an apartment, I sort of expected her to stay at least a few weeks to try it out with me. If I had known this would happen, I would have just gotten the apartment.

I decided the couch was the best place for me to sleep without upsetting Jonna. She was obviously upset with me and I didn't want to push myself on her. I didn't want to invade her personal space when I was not wanted. Space is what she wanted, and I respected her enough to give it to her, but I was having a rough time with it all. It made me weak, and honestly I just wanted to drink until I passed out, but I hadn't exactly had the time to go alcohol shopping yet with how busy I'd been with the transitioning.

I didn't feel hopeless until she left me at the airport without even a kiss goodbye. Even when I tried to hug her, she backed away. I felt like a failure as a husband, and it was worse that we had only been married a few months. I was devastated that she wanted to leave me, but I had to keep it together for the sake of my music, if nothing else. I went home that night and drank into oblivion, just because I could, even though I immediately regretted it when I woke up terribly hung over the next morning.

But saying goodbye to Jonna had a few perks, I didn't have to worry about the time I was away with the band or exploring the new Seattle scenery. The house I rented was small, making it a little harder to feel so alone somehow. I felt like a huge place would just trap me in loneliness. I also found myself writing a lot more, even though a lot of what I was writing was based on the more sad and vulnerable truths of the life I'd been living. But above all, the biggest perk was not having to walk on eggshells in my own home. I could come home from a long, stressful day at the studio and crack open a beer and relax instead of worrying about Jonna being upset with me for being late. This was around the time I discovered that maybe some time apart like this, when I wasn't on the road, could be therapeutic for me. I wasn't too distracted by constant shows and interviews, which forced me to think about my relationship and the life I'd been living and I came to the conclusion that maybe I wasn't happy in this either. I was almost ashamed that it took 3 weeks of living alone to figure that out.

I often took walks around the busy city streets, after my long days at the studio, as it helped clear my head and keep me from being too overwhelmed by the career I'd chosen. I was happy with my job, thrilled actually, but it wasn't something that a person could just invest 100% of their time in without going a little mad.

One day, I found myself on a different route than my normal one, not to mention it was raining terribly. I usually liked to stay pretty close to home so I wouldn't get lost, but I suppose I wasn't paying much attention. I had a lot on my mind as I hadn't even heard from Jonna since she left and the work on my music had become difficult. By the time I noticed I was a bit farther away than normal, I looked around to try to get my bearings. I walked a bit longer before I recognized the flower shop I'd stopped at a few weeks prior, not to mention the florist I'd met that day.

She was walking out of The Bloom Room and locked the door, she seemed to be struggling with the lock and she had no umbrella. I jogged up to her and covered her with the large umbrella I had been carrying over myself. She quickly turned around, probably surprised someone was standing behind her. Her curled black locks grazed my face as she turned, leaving a potent, sweet, flowery smell. "Oh! Ville, hi." She smiled.

"Sorry, you looked like you were having trouble. I didn't want you getting soaked by the rain." I hadn't meant to startle her, although her cheeks turning a rose red wasn't the most unattractive thing I'd ever seen...

"Thank you." She said, letting out a small laugh. "In that case, you mind walking me home? I live really close." She looked a little nervous, just like she had the first time I met her. "I mean, if you're not busy and if it wouldn't upset your wife."

"It's not a problem darling." I smiled for the first time in what seemed like ages.

As we started walking down the sidewalk she struck up conversation. "So did your wife like the bouquet?" I didn't want to tell her no because she spent a lot of time on it, I didn't want to disappoint her, but I felt lying would be a bigger injustice.

"Well, let's just say I don't think anything could have made her happy at that point." It had been a while since I thought too much into what happened between Jonna and I that night. I tried my best to accept that there was nothing I could do to change it yet and that dwelling wouldn't help any.

"I'm sorry to hear that." She said, although I knew she was curious as to what happened, I could tell in her voice, although I would probably be curious too.

"That's alright. She's back in Finland now, hopefully she's happier there." I wanted to keep it simple, as she was still a stranger I'd only met once before, but I was bursting to get things off my chest. Writing music helped a lot, but it wasn't someone I could talk to, and I didn't bother talking to any of the guys about it since they weren't always the most sympathetic. Maybe I was just too emotional.

"I see. Well I hope things get better." Her pretty green eyes screamed sympathy, and I felt oddly trusting of her. She was a short, petit girl, looked to be in her early 20's. Innocence surrounded her and she was very easy to talk to, and look at for that matter. I shouldn't have been thinking about how pretty this girl was, I was married and honestly still missing my wife a bit, although I was very used ot being away from her. Still, I had to focus a little harder when talking to her as to not be distracted by her beauty.

"Thanks. Anyway, how have you been?" I asked, as if we were actual friends and knew each other. Honestly I wasn't even sure how I managed to get up the courage to talk to her to begin with.

"Well, my roommates drive me nuts sometimes." She laughed, though I could see the truth in it. "But that's about it." She shrugged. "I guess I lead a boring life, especially compared to someone like you. It must be incredible seeing the world for a living." The wonder and amazement in her eyes made me smile. She wasn't even flipping out about the "rock star" thing or the millions of adoring fans, she was honestly just taken by the fact that I got to see the world.

"That is a perk, yes. But it takes a lot of sacrifice and hard work. Believe me, it can be tough." I didn't want her to believe that living this life of mine was glamorous in the least, because it really wasn't. It was tiring. And she wasn't someone I wanted to be star struck by me, it was amazing enough that she previously had no idea who I was. She really was a breath of fresh air.

"Yeah. You must miss your family. I guess I never thought about that part." She looked a little embarrassed, but I didn't feel she had anything to be embarrassed about.

"I suppose not a lot of people do. When you think 'touring musician' you think big crowds and the big open road. But that road rarely leads to tourist attractions or monuments, instead it leads to dark alleys behind big venues and the back entrances to TV stations." I didn't mean to sound like such a downer, I must have just been in the mood to sulk a bit. I blamed the dreary rain.

"Tough." She said, thoughtfully. "Well, maybe if you need a break from your rock star life, you can sit down and have a cup of coffee with me sometime." Her offer seemed innocent enough, especially after she added "If it wouldn't upset your wife, I don't mean to push any boundaries, I just thought-"

"Sure." I smiled at her after cutting her off. I knew she hadn't meant to hit on me or anything, but in a way she kind of did, and I couldn't say that was I upset about it."

"You sure? I don't want to-"

"Are you busy right now?" I asked, thinking I could use some coffee anyway, and maybe a friend.

"What? No." She said, stumbling a little over her words, talking a little too fast. She was definitely nervous again, and I found her discomfiture cute.

"Might you lead the way then? Honestly I'm not familiar with this town yet. I only go to a few places." She literally could have walked me all the way to the garbage dump and I would have no idea until we arrived. I was that lost. Hell, I'd used GPS just to find my way to the flower shop to begin with.

"Sure." She nodded, leading our way. She relaxed as we walked, less embarrassed than she just was, bur a part of me thought it was just in her nature to be that way around new people. Little did I know, it was really just me she did it with.

We quickly approached a small diner and took our seats near the back, which I normally preferred anyway. We ordered our coffees and received them quite quickly. "So." I started, sipping the warm liquid, not realizing until then how cold I actually was. "I've told you a bit about m life, how about yours?"

She looked like she didn't really know where to begin. She took a moment to think before she answered, but even her answer was a little slow and careful. "Well, I live with my best friend and her boyfriend, and obviously I still work at The Bloom Room. Let's see, I moved into my place about a year ago after a break up. Other than, I don't really think there's much exciting about it. Honestly I feel a little silly talking about my life when yours is so interesting. I don't mean that in a bad way at all, it's just that you're a singer and you tour and you're from another country and you have an actual romantic life." She laughed, though I could see she was hiding her nervousness again by the way she talked a bit fast. I didn't mind though, it was probably strange for her, she probably felt as if she were boring me, but honestly I liked hearing about it. It made me feel a bit more normal, hearing of her "normal" life. Maybe it was my bitter mood, but I felt a little jealous of her.

"More like lack thereof." I chuckled, now hiding my own pain. "I haven't heard from Jonna since she left three weeks ago."

"I'm sorry." She said, her chipper demeanor fading.

"Don't be, these things happen." That was a phrase I'd been repeating to myself for a while now. "Sometimes marriages fail, and love isn't always enough to pull them our of dark places. Sometimes there is nothing one can do, and living in the past won't help any." I stayed positive with Jamie, though if she'd read the lyrics I'd been writing lately she would have known how tough this struggle had really been for me.

"Ville, you don't have to hide your feelings." She said, to my surprise. She saw right through me somehow, which I definitely wasn't used to. "She's your wife. You can't tell me you don't miss her or worry about her."

"I suppose I do." I admitted, keeping my happy face. "But what does it help?" I shrugged, leaving her with nothing to say. I waited a bit through the awkward silence before breaking it. "Anyway, I didn't bring you here to talk about my life. I came here to get a break from my rock star life, remember?" I said, making her laugh.

"Technically Ibrought you here." She said, her happy demeanor reappearing. We ended up staying at that diner until it closed, which was about 5 hours. I never intended to stay that long, hell, I didn't even realized I had until the waitress came and told us they were shutting down for the night.

"I didn't realize it was so late." I said, giving the waitress $50. "Keep the change, thank you." I felt bad she had to wait on us all night, I figured a nice tip would make up for it.

"You didn't have to pay, I could have gotten mine." She said, her hand still in her wallet. Obviously she hadn't even thought that I would pay.

"Oh, don't worry love. Let's get you home." I walked her home as it was still raining out and we stopped at her apartment door step.
you liv

"So how far are you staying from here?" She asked, knowing I'd caught her on my walk.

"I'm not so sure to be honest. I was walking for about an hour before I found you." I admitted, although now I was a bit embarrassed.

"Come on, I'll drive you back." Her warm smile was addicting I'd found. Although getting in a car with someone you've only met twice was a terrible idea, I did it anyway. I had a trust in her for whatever reason, and I actually was starting to like her. She was charming and funny and so real. I couldn't help but like her, but Jonna never had to know. Hell, would she have even cared?

Her car smelled of flowers, just like her and I felt very calm and comfortable with her. I could only hope this friendship would last. There were not too many people I felt this way with, but she was an exception. Keeping her around was a goal of mine, but I wasn't even sure why, it wasn't like I really knew her. She was constantly reeling me in, every second I was with her, and I was not blind to my own emotions, I knew what it felt like to have a strong connection with someone, and I had one with her. A real one.