Beyond Redemption

"Where the hell are you taking me?" Jamie asked from the passenger seat next to me. I'd blindfolded her and took a few wrong turns to throw her off, I didn't want her to know that I was taking her to her new business.

"You'll see soon darling." I smirked, excited to show her the work that was done on the place. We drove around for an extra 10 minutes before I pulled up next to the building. I helped her out of the car and guided her inside. The walls had all been repainted and looked just as bright and vibrant as the flowers she would sell. One of the largest walls had a large mural of all different kinds of flowers that was hand painted by a woman I'd hired. I wished I had been talented enough to do any of it myself, all of the workers had done a wonderful job, and in a timely matter too.

"I turned on all the lights and did one last look around to make sure everything was perfect. "Can I take this off now?" She asked, touching her blindfold.

I stood next to her and put an arm around her, I was nervous for her reaction. What if she wasn't ready to take on the responsibility? "Yes, of course."

She took off the blindfold and looked around, stunned. She put her hands over her mouth, gaping at the area. "I thought someone bought this." She said, sounding like she really didn't even know what to say to begin with.

"Someone did buy it. I did." She looked like she might cry, so I quickly turned her around to see more of the area, I even walked her to her little office that was decorated in an appropriate HIM fashion. It was pink and purple with a heartagram on one wall, I was even surprised at how wonderful it looked.

"You did all of this?" She asked, as if it were some impossible thing.

"You still wanted to work here, right? I just thought that if you couldn't be employed, then you might as well just own it." She turned to me quickly, as if I'd just dropped a bomb.

"Own it? It's mine? "

"Well of course kulta. I'm not going to run a store, I would never have the time. It's all in your name. You can even change the name of the store if you want. Congratulations business owner." I winked at her, hoping she would take this as a good thing. I couldn't quite figure her out.

"I can't believe you did this for me. Are there flowers in the green house yet?" She asked, seemingly excited.

"Yes! Come see." I took her hand and lead her out to her green house, which I had some contractors expand.

She walked through the area in amazement, taking the time to really look over her inventory. I tried to keep things in the general same area as they were before, to give her one less thing to worry about. "This is amazing." She finally smiled, but I thought tears might fall.

"I know you weren't really expecting something like this, and getting an idea of owning a business is going to take some time, but I know you can do it. You know this place inside and out, it's only natural that it becomes yours." I wanted her to feel happy, not stressed out. I couldn't tell if she was feeling overwhelmed or not, I was really worried.

"I hope so. What if I can't do this? What if I lose it?" She asked, fearful.

"You won't. You know what the last owners did wrong, the prices were too high, they didn't advertise, hell, they barely kept enough staff to be open more than two days a week. You already know what to do. It'll be a breeze for you. Plus, there's no competition withing the next 20 miles at least. If you advertise right, you'll be busier than you could ever imagine." I tried to encourage her, and it looked like it was working.

"Okay." She nodded, looking confident. "I can do this. I'm excited to do this. When should I start hiring?" She asked, clapping her hands together.

"It's your business. Hire whenever you want, you're ready to open after you get some people working." I was suddenly glad I'd done this, it could have been a huge disaster. I was hoping it was something that she could live comfortably off of, without Bane, and maybe even something to keep her busy. The best part of it was that she could take time off if she hired a store manager. She could work from home or even Helsinki if she needed to, she didn't have to physically be there all the time. It was perfect for someone who wanted to travel, and I intended to have her travel often.

"I can't ever repay you for this." She warned, looking guilty.

"I don't want you to, take it as a gift, please. You've helped me through a lot, let this be my thanks." She smiled and hugged me tight for what seemed like ages.

"Thank you so much. You've given me a huge opportunity here, I mean, I can use this as experience, I could grow to own more business' if I wanted to, my credit is going to be incredible, I could buy a house after I get some money up. You've really changed my life."

"No, you're changing your own. What you do from here on is entirely you, I only set the foundation. Do not short change yourself, I know you will do great." I kissed her forehead and handed her the keys. "Now, let's go out for a celebratory drink, okay?"

Over the next week, Jamie kept herself busy by planning her opening, advertising that she was hiring, and god knows what else. She was stepping up to the plate very quickly and I was proud of her, I had a lot of faith in her, and it was nice seeing that she was happy doing something with a career instead of some dead end job that made her miserable. I would have financially supported her myself, but it wasn't really something she'd let me do, she barely let me buy her dinner. I knew that if she did this herself, she'd feel much more satisfied with herself, and that was far more important than anything else.

Our show had come much faster than I had anticipated, it was like a dream, walking on to that stage. I hadn't even realized how quickly time had gone by, it was like while life was going on around me, I was stuck in some part of myself that I couldn't escape. I didn't really even know what my problem was either, maybe I was worried about going home to find I had no actual home, or about leaving Jamie, or seeing Jonna again, if that were to happen, or whatever the hell I could think up to worry myself. I felt like a bit of a train wreck but I did my best to put on a brave face, it seemed to work.

The moment I walked on stage the whole room lit up. I had expected about a hundred people to be sitting, listening quietly while we played all of our tracks live for the first time, acoustic, but apparently I had missed a major memo in my absent mindedness. We had a crowd of about 500, maybe more, the small venue had sold out, and none of the guys were using acoustics. I waved to the crowd and bee-lined for Mige. "What the hell is going on? When did this become... This?"

"Ville, we made this decision 3 days ago, remember? Due to high ticket demand? We decided it was best to just play the songs like they are on the album?" He looked at me in amazement, like me forgetting this was the worst possible thing.

"Oh fuck. Well, here we go I guess." I said, walking back up to the mic. "Seems I've forgotten this wasn't an acoustic show." The crowd kind of laughed together, probably thinking I was joking. "Anyway, I'd like to thank each and every one of you for being here tonight, listening to a bunch of Scandinavian blokes play songs you've never heard of." I laughed, thinking this was going to be a disaster. I did my best to make the crowd think that this was a more easy going show, like it wasn't as serious as it really was. If they weren't looking at me with harsh, judging eyes, I knew I could spin this whole show and make it a success. It was just going to take a lot of work, especially since I was already mindlessly babbling. "Anyway, this first song is called..." I looked down at my set list taped to the ground, mentally thanking whoever put it there for me. "Buried Alive By Love."

Jamie stood in the back of the crowd, smiling, encouraging us. I felt like when I looked at her, I could relax and forget that this was already a disaster in my head. To the crowd, it probably seemed like a pretty normal show, like any other we'd ever done, except they got the treat of hearing our new songs before anyone else. But to me, this whole thing was thrown at me, unplanned, unprepared, I felt blind sided. It was awful, and the only solace I had was the beautiful girl standing in the back. I kept an eye on her, and every time I felt nervous or like I'd fucked up, I'd look at her sweet smile and realize it was okay. No one knew the words to these songs anyway, if I messed up a word or two they'd never notice. I was making it a much bigger deal than it ever needed to be.

When we got off stage, I text Jamie and told her to meet us in our dressing room, and she soon appeared in our doorway, thank goodness. "I fucked up that whole thing." I said, embracing her. I felt like a small child who'd forgotten their lines in the school play.

"Oh my god, are you kidding me? You were amazing." She hugged me tight, rubbing my back.

"I bullshit my way through the whole show, I have never had to do that. This absolutely sucked." I felt horrible, and maybe a little overwhelmed by a lot more than the shitty show I'd just done. Maybe this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

"Hon, it's okay." She smiled, and I noticed she finally called me by a name other than my own. It was different, but I liked it, especially since I had so many things I called her.

"I just want to go home." I said, moping. I hated it when I got like this, and I only got like this when I felt my passion had failed me. It wasn't something I was used to, but I feel like I let my music down, like I'd let my own dream down. It was tough, having a bad performance, and I couldn't help but have a bad attitude about it.

"Do you have a signing to do or anything?" She asked, knowing we originally had one scheduled before the set change.

"No, there's too many people. We could never get to everyone, it wouldn't be fair. That's what our manager said." I sat down on our couch and held my head in my hands, feeling completely ashamed of myself. Not only did I do a shit job singing, I also didn't even get to make it up by taking photos with people. I thought for sure that everyone was disappointed and had a horrible time, even if that wasn't completely true.

"Okay. Then let's go, I'll take you." She held out her hand and I took it, slowly getting up off the couch. "You guys were awesome, I'll see you later! Good night!" She called after the rest of the guys.

When we got back to my house, we curled up on the couch together under a blanket. I rest my head in her lap and she ran her fingers through my hair, I felt super relaxed and this was the exact therapy I needed. "Oh, Ville, I almost forgot." She said, reaching onto the floor and digging in her purse for a moment. "I got your merch girl to sell this to me before your set was over. I was officially the first person to buy your album!" She said as she proudly presented it to me with a marker. "Will you sign it?"

I thought her request was kind of silly, seeing as we were together, but I loved her enthusiasm and support, it really meant a lot to me. "Typerä tyttö." I smiled. I thought for a moment before deciding what to write. "Kiitos, rakkaani, kaiken . Tarkoitatko maailma minulle . Nähdään pian. Rakastan sinua."

"What does it say?" She asked, as I knew she would.

"It's just a thank you, and it says that I will see you soon." I kissed the top of her head as she looked at my messy writing. I knew if I'd made a big deal out of her not translating it on the internet, she'd do it out of curiosity. This way, it was like I'd translated it so she didn't need to.

"Thanks." She looked genuinely happy, which was something I desperately craved to see on her sweet face. She deserved happiness.

The next day I started packing, that new found happiness on Jamie seeming to wear away already. She stayed pretty quiet, as I knew she would. I babbled on all day about what Finland was like and what we were going to do while we were there. There were a lot of museums, national parks, and cathedrals in Finland, so there wasn't a whole lot to do, especially in the dead of winter, but I figured we could sight see, I could show her around Helsinki, even meet my parents and brother. I decided I wouldn't tell my family I was coming home for the holidays, as I never had spent the holidays with them since the band got bigger. Anita and Kari would be thrilled to have me bring home a nice girl.

I told her all about my family, how my parents owned a sex shop that I'd even worked at as young as 14, and that my bother was a kick boxer. She didn't say a lot, but she seemed very interested. I thought it might be good to have her around family for Christmas, since she wasn't on good terms with her own.

When I found talking didn't work, I tried to teach her things to distract her, like guitar. I sat down with her and tried to teach her some chords, but she wasn't really getting it. I lied to her when I told her she was doing well, and she just smiled, knowing I was lying. Jamie sucked at guitar.

It seemed like no time at all form when I was curled up on the couch with my love to when I had to face her and say goodbye at the air port. She'd driven all of us there, so we didn't have to pay for a taxi as we'd all returned our rental cars. I was worried about everything, but I was mostly concerned with Jamie's feelings. I was very used to saying goodbye to those I loved, but it was hurting, knowing I had to say goodbye to her.

We'd all sat around for about an hour after getting checked in and ready to board when our flight was called over the PA. From that second on, Jamie refused to look at me. She wouldn't talk to me to look me in the eye, nothing. She looked scared, but she tried to play it cool as she hugged the others goodbye. "Make sure you keep in touch." She said to Mige, who she was obviously closest to out of them.

She finally turned to me, and when she did, it was like all her walls finally caved in. I could see her trying to hold back her tears, but it wasn't working for her. She threw her arms around my waist and hugged me tight, very obviously not willing to let go. "Please don't go." She begged, breaking my heart.

"Oh, kulta. I'm so sorry, I have to go." I hugged her, stroking her hair, trying to give her some kind of solace.

"I'm going to miss you so much." I felt awful, her sobs kept coming and I didn't know what to do other than hug her and try to comfort her.

"I'll miss you too. But I promise, I'll call and text whenever I can. I'll even try to work Skype for you if you want." I was happy when she laughed at me. She knew how horrible I was with technology and apparently the thought of me trying to work a web cam was funny.

"I look forward to it." She nodded, trying to dry her tears.

"And in one month from now, you'll be right here, on your way to me. I look forward to that so much more." I kissed her forehead, already missing the sweet flowery smell of her, missing her soft hair between my fingers and her beautiful rosey cheeks, even though she was still right there.

"Please, be careful Ville. Make sure you call me the minute you land in Helsinki." She kissed me softly, placing her warms hand on my face.

"I will. Take care, love." I kissed her one last time, savoring the moment, wishing it could last a life time. I knew a month wasn't all that long, but it already felt like forever. This moment had come far too soon.

I squeezed her hand one last time and started making my way to the gate. I wanted to tell her I loved her. I was dying to turn around, grab her face, and spill my guts to her, tell her everything I'd been holding back, but I was a coward. I couldn't do it. I turned around one last time to find her watching me go, blowing a kiss at me. I was very used to goodbyes, but this one stung at my eyes and I was having a pretty rough time.

The moment she was out of sight I mentally kicked myself for not telling her how I felt. The instant regret I felt must have shown on my face when Mige sat down next to me on the plane. "You didn't tell her."

"Nope. Chickened out." I said, disappointed in myself.

"Good. It wasn't the right time." He said, making it sound so simple.

"And what makes you think that?" I asked, slightly frustrated.

"it hasn't hit her yet Ville, you don't want to tell her until you know it's hit her. You might scare her off." This made me panic.

"What if she gets scared off anyway? What if the distance is too much for her? What if she won't wait for me? Mige, what if she never feels this way?" More regret hit me like a ton of bricks.

"First off, it will hit her. I know this for a fact. Second, the distance doesn't matter, not if you both try to get passed it. She's not going anywhere if you treat her right." The words soothed my worried a bit, but I couldn't be certain he was right.

"I hope you know what you're talking about." I said, laying back and closing my eyes, preparing for this awful 12 hour flight.