Beyond Redemption

It was late one night, maybe 5 in the morning, when I got a call. I assumed it was Ville, as I couldn't imagine anyone else calling at such an odd hour. "Hey hon." I answered, groggy.

Suddenly, a voice boomed in my ear that didn't belong to the man I expected. Good morning to you too baby!" Bam.

"What the hell could you possibly want right now?" I asked, tired.

"Your help!" His loud, obnoxious voice made me cringe. How could someone be so full on energy so early?

"With what?" I asked, rubbing my eyes.

"Your job is easy. I need you to do what you do best and look sexy. I'm doing a meet and greet today at the skate park and I need someone hot to sell merchandise. You in?" I couldn't decide if I should have felt offended at the objectification or flattered by the compliment.

"I guess I can. But why so early?" I asked, rubbing eyes.

"Signing is at 10am. We need to set up. Meet me there in an hour." He hung up before I could say anything else. I rolled my eyes and put my pillow over my head, instantly regretting agreeing to help.

When I got to the skate park about an hour and a half later, Bam approached me in a rush. "You're late!" He started dragging me to his booth to get things rolling.

"Bam, the sun is barely up. You're lucky I even managed to get out of bed." I said, still pretty tired.

"Well pull up your big girl panties, because we've got a lot of shit to do today!" We started unpacking boxes of shirts, sweaters, bracelets, posters, things of that nature. We got everything set up and displayed in about an hour, thankfully we had some help from a few crew members walking around. Apparently this was actually a pretty big deal, famous skaters like Tony Hawk, Ryan Sheckler, Brandon Novak, Jeff Phillips, and a ton others than I didn't recognize, I wasn't very into the skate scene.

I walked around for a while, waiting for the signing to start. It was about 8 so I had a two hour wait, I decided to stand around and watch some of the guys skate. There was already a line of people waiting to meet everyone, and I'd found out there would be a few hours of the professionals showing off their skills and skateboards later in the day. It seemed like it would be a lot of fun if you were into that kind of thing, but somehow I knew I'd be a little bored.

When people started piling in, all of the skaters made their way to their respective booths where they'd posters and pose for photos. By the look of the line, I could tell it would be a few hours before the actual skating started. I got quite a few of people waiting in line to see Bam that wanted to buy his merchandise., which thankfully kept me busy, I even managed to earn tips.

Bam was actually really great with all the fans that came his way. He was very sweet to them, signing anything they wanted and taking all the pictures they asked for, he even took the time to answer questions people had, a lot of them regarding his friendship with Ville. It was getting around that they weren't speaking, but I wasn't really surprised by it. Maybe it was because I was standing two feet from him, but he never said anything bad about Ville, just that they weren't really on talking terms at the moment and left it at that, and I definitely appreciated it.

The signing ended after quite a while and Bam sighed, stretched for a moment, and patted me on the back. "Good work soldier. We sold a ton of shit!"

"Glad I could help." I shrugged, honestly wanting to go home. I wasn't as insanely bored as I had anticipated, but I was still exhausted.

"I really appreciate it." He said, hugging me.

"No problem." I hugged him back. "I think you should apologize to Ville." I said, letting him go to look him in the eyes. "I miss you guys being friends."

"He won't fucking listen. You know Ville, he's kind of a bastard like that." He shrugged, crossing his arms.

"No he's not, I don't think you're giving him enough credit. Just talk to him, apologize. You know you were a little out of line, don't you?" I wasn't nagging or trying to argue with him, and I was glad he knew that.

"Sure I do, but I'm always a little out of line. He should know that." He had a point, but it didn't make him right.

"He does, but you know, you shouldn't say things like that about a girl you know he's romantic with." I said, referring to when Bam had admitted he had feelings for me.

"I know that, but I can't help how I feel." He stepped closer and grabbed my hands. "I really like you Jamie. I would never keep you a secret."

"I know, and I appreciate that, but you have to understand that I don't have those same feelings for you." I gently took my hands from him, not wanting to piss him off or anything. "I care about you, you're my friend, and I love you as such, but I'm with Ville, and I have strong and very real feelings for him."

"Do you love him?" He asked, a hurt and kind of bitter look on his face.

"I don't know." I said, already knowing it was a lie. I hadn't said it out loud yet, I hadn't expressed it to anyone, I had barely formed the words just thinking about it to myself.

"Yeah you do." IT was like he could see right through me, it made me feel weak and vulnerable.

I crossed my arms, like he had, wanting to end this conversation. "Bam don't do this."

"If you tell me right now that you're in love with him, that he's the only person you're ever going to want again, that you would rather be with him than anyone else in the world, including me, then I'll stop hitting on you and I'll apologize to him." He looked more serious than I had really ever seen him, and it seemed out of character.

I thought about it for a moment, knowing in my heart that I did love Ville. I knew I loved him when he left me at the airport, hell, I had an idea that I'd loved him long before that, but I could never accept it out loud until right then, when Bam put it out for me like that. "Yes Bam. I'm in love with him, and I only want to be with him." I said, quietly. It felt oddly satisfying to say it, but I felt bad the moment I looked at Bam with his hurt and hopeless expression.

"That's all I needed." He nodded and walked away from me, heading toward one of the skate ramps. Fuck.

I wanted to tell Ville about all this, but that would include me telling him that I loved him over the phone, and I didn't want that at all. I felt conflicted, I was proud of myself for validating my own feelings, for finally letting myself really accept what was going on in my head, but I felt terribly guilty for breaking Bam's heart. I didn't want that, but I felt like I was stuck in a moment of picking either him or Ville, and it was unfair of him to put me in that situation.

I waited until all of the events for the day were over before packing things up and heading home. Bam hadn't spoken one word to me after what I'd told him, but I caught him looking over at me pretty often. I felt awkward, and I wanted to leave much sooner, but I'd said I would help and it wouldn't have been cool to just leave.

On my way home, I stopped at the gas station, and of course, my day got worse. Liz was at the pump right across from mine and I did my best to just ignore her and not make eye contact. I didn't want to deal with any confrontation but my car was on empty. I went in to pay, and when I came out, she was leaning on the driver door of my car. "What do you want?" I asked as I approached her.

"Where the hell is your fuck buddy?" She said, an evil grin on her face.

"He's my boyfriend, not a fuck buddy. I don't have those like you do." I spat at her, already angry. "And he had to go back to Helsinki. What's it to you?"

"Just wondering if he'd been deported yet. You know, undocumented immigration is illegal, right." She winked. It was amazing, the stupid shit that came out of her mouth.

"You know, work visas are a thing, right?" I rolled my eyes, already done with her bullshit. "Get out of the way, I'm leaving."

"Of course." She said, stepping aside. "Remember what I said to you last we talked?" I nodded, not answering her out loud. She'd said that I'd regret that moment, that she'd fuck up my life so bad that I couldn't come back from it. "So do I. Keep that in mind." She walked off to her car, leaving me with my thoughts.

I got in my car and slammed the door shut, beyond pissed off. She had no power over me, she had nothing, how could she possibly fuck up my life? I thought about this a lot on my way home, and I did my best not to let it bother me, but it really did. I missed the friendship we had, I missed her in general, and seeing her with that hateful look on her face made my heart ache. I wasn't even sure what I'd done to piss her off so much, other than get angry with her about Noah. What had I done to deserve her hatred and betrayal? I felt like there was more to it than she cared to admit, and I hoped that one day I would find out.

When I got home, I changed into some comfortable clothes and decided it was best to start packing for my trip. I was scheduled to leave for Helsinki in 3 days, and I couldn't have been more excited, especially after the rough day I'd just had. It would be a relief to not have to deal with Bam or Liz, and hopefully it would be a Jonna free trip too, but I didn't exactly get my hopes up for that. I was just happy to be spending the holidays with Ville.

As I packed, I kept in mind how cold Finland was. I packed a lot of sweaters and long sleeved shirts and tank tops to wear under those things. I also packed a lot of warm leggings and leg warmers to put under my heeled boots. I wanted to make sure I looked nice, especially if I was going to be meeting any family of his or anything, but warmth was my top priority. Ville seemed awfully comfortable in the cold weather, as where I was freezing. I couldn't imagine how cold their winters were.

By the time I'd finished packing, I realized I had actually gotten Liz off my mind for a moment, which of course led to me thinking about her again. I felt like I couldn't catch a break! I went to the kitchen and made some hot cocoa. I took a few sips before adding some cinnamon the way Ville did, it made me feel comfortable and warm, I silently thanked him for it and made my way to the living room to curl up on the couch and watch TV until I drifted off to sleep.