Beyond Redemption

30 hours. That was how long until Jamie would finally be on her way back to me. I couldn't have been more relieved, although being alone for so long, having little to no contact with the outside world really made me look at myself as a person.

I didn't really know who I was before Jamie until I'd gotten to reflect on it and note the differences. Before, I was kind of a lost soul, looking for some kind of redemption. I was a husband, but lonely beyond my liking, an artist with no loving muse, a slave to my marriage, a voice the world could hear but never understand. I'd felt like I was missing something, missing a big part of myself, and as much as I wrote about it and sang about it, no one took it as a real issue in my life and just perceived it as another song of love and death. But no one asked, "A love of what? Of who?" or "What is it that has died inside you?" It was a love of an idea, not the woman I'd married. I was in love with the idea of being so in love with someone that it made your knees weak, palms sweaty, heart race, and everything in between. The idea became nothing more than a fantasy, and the hope of that kind of love is what died in me. I came to realize that was another large reason as to why my marriage failed.

But now, after meeting Jamie and coming to love her, I wasn't that man anymore. I wasn't so engulfed in hopelessness that it depressed me, I wasn't yearning for something that didn't exist. I yearned for what was real and in front of me, the hope of feeling the way I'd craved for so long had rekindled, and that part of me was restored. It was such a different and wonderful thing, I could barely believe it was real, and I wanted nothing more but to continue this relationship with my little American beauty, to continue feeling this sense of completeness, the sense of inner peace for a change.

Time moved slowly for me, so slowly that I had to wonder if time had even moved at all. I found myself constantly checking the time, even though I still had more than a full day before picking her up. I was anxious, nervous, excited, everything. I cleaned up some of the clutter laying around, making sure everything looked perfect for her. Hell, I even went and got some Christmas decorations for the tower. I didn't normally ever decorate for holidays, but I'd found out that Christmas was Jamie's favorite holiday, and I couldn't let her come into my home this time of year without at least a tree.

I spent the whole entire day buying and putting up decorations. I really wanted to impress her, and maybe a small part of that was so I could convince her to move in with me, even if it did mean leaving everything she knew and loved behind. It was selfish of me to even ask her to do that, but I didn't want a permanent long distance relationship with her. I wanted her to be the woman I could come home to after a day at the studio or after a long tour. I wanted her to be there when I needed her, to be there for her when she needed me. Being away on tour would be hard enough, the distance between us during my time off made it worse.

I called my mother, Anita, I wanted to make sure I knew her plans this year, and to convince her that I wouldn't be around again. I was excited to surprise her, but I wasn't so excited to break her heart.

"Ville! My baby boy, how are you?" She answered without even a "hello."

"I'm well, you?" I asked, realizing how long it had been since last we talked. I didn't intentionally not talk to her, I just forgot to call a lot.

"Wonderful! Are you coming home for the holidays this year?" Such hope in her voice made me feel bad for lying.

"Not this year, unfortunately. I'll try to come visit as soon as I can." I tried to aide the wound, but I knew it wouldn't help.

"That's alright, you do what you have to do for your career. I look forward to seeing you." I could tell she was faking her cheer, which made it harder. I had to keep reminding myself how happy she'd be when she realized this was a lie.

"I have good news." I said, wanting to perk her up. "I've been seeing someone."

"Oh? You're not getting back with Jonna are you?" She hated Jonna. She knew what Jonna did to me and how things fell apart, I'd always kept her up to date on my relationship with her as I often went to her for advice. I hadn't mentioned Jamie yet, in fear of being judged for moving on so soon, but if anyone would understand how dead my marriage was, and how disconnected we'd been for so long, it was my mother. She always understood me and took my side when I needed her to.

"No, of course not. Her name is Jamie. I met her a few months back." I didn't even want to tell her that I was back in Helsinki, otherwise she'd know my plan.

"Where?" She asked, always so interested.

"A flower shop. She was working and I was getting apology flowers for Jonna right before we split up. It sounds odd, but that's how we met. I ran into after that and we went for coffee. Since then we've been very close. We've been keeping things out of the media and just recently sort of made our relationship an official thing." I explained briefly, knowing Jamie would give her more details later.

"Is she pretty? I know you tend to go for girls that are really average looking, you deserve a pretty girl!" I couldn't help but laugh. She was right, I never did go after overly beautiful women. Maybe it was because I had more experiences with overly beautiful women trying to sleep with me upon meeting that I'd had with average girls, or maybe I was convinced that I didn't deserve these gorgeous girls. I wasn't really sure.

"She's beautiful. I think you'll really like her, she's very sweet and kind. She's helped me through everything since Jonna left. She's kind of made me feel whole again, like she filled some void Jonna never could." It was easy to get carried away talking about my own feelings with my mother, she was such a good listener and she was so interested in everything.

"She sounds wonderful dear. When do I get to meet her?" She sounded excited, and maybe a little like she was testing me. I never, ever brought women home to meet my parents. The only one I'd done that with was Jonna, but my mom knew instantly that she wasn't the super nice and innocent girl she was pretending to be.

"Next time I visit you, I'll be sure to fly her out. She's still living in America. I bought her the flower shop she worked at after it went out of business because she loved the place so much. I hope I haven't ruined my chances of getting her to move here with me." I chuckled, thinking it nothing more than a light hearted conversation, but my mom saw right through me.

"This is pretty serious, isn't it?" She asked, her interest peaking. "Are you in love?" I felt like I got that question a lot lately. Was it so obvious that everyone around me saw it? Did Jamie see it too?

"I think it's safe to say yes." I shrugged, even though she couldn't see it.

"Be careful poikani, protect your heart. Make sure no one breaks it." She warned, knowing about the horrible romantic side of me, the same my father had. She always knew that I often claimed love, often thought relationships were something they weren't, and it had hurt me a few times. What she didn't know was how different this was, and if I told her she just would have said "I've heard that before." Which she had when she found out I was marrying Jonna. But this time really was different. It wasn't just something I said to keep someone around, and it definitely wasn't a false sense of love, it was real and I only knew it because I'd realized that I'd never known it before her. That was when I discovered what love was.

"I will. Believe me, this is real for me. But she doesn't know yet." I said, making sure she knew so she wouldn't say anything about it to Jamie if I hadn't yet.

"Oh? You didn't rush things this time?" She seemed surprised, though I knew myself and I knew I didn't rush things like sex or relationships, but I had a history of using the L word far too soon.

"No, I've been very careful with her. You'll see, when you meet her, why things are so different. I promise, you'll love her." I reassured, and I could imagine that motherly smile on her face.

"I can't wait." She seemed genuinely happy for me, as I knew she would be.

After about another 20 minutes of talking, I'd hung up with her. Apparently my brother, Jesse, was coming to visit for Christmas, which was great. My mother was going to have the best Christmas ever with both of her boys back home.

As the hours went by, it came closer and closer to the time I could go get Jamie. She'd called me to let me know when she boarded her plane. That meant I had about 12 hours before she would be back with me again. I couldn't have been more happy.

I went to go pick her up, nerves raging. I'd gotten there a little early and had to wait about an hour before I saw that she'd landed. It felt like forever since I'd seen her. I could hardly wait for her to descend the escalator. It seemed like hours until I finally saw her, a small fear in her eyes as she looked around for a familiar face, her hands clutching her luggage. I called her name, and never had I been happier to see a woman's face light up as hers did.