Beyond Redemption

Upon sitting on the airplane, waiting for take off, my stomach was tied in knots and I felt sick. I'd never taken a plane before, and this was not the best flight to start with. 12 hours before we landed. No lay overs, no connecting flights, just one continuous flight.

I ordered a drink to try and relax, but it wasn't doing much good. I couldn't even call or text anyone to keep my mind off the daunting flight ahead. I hoped to sleep most of the flight, but I was starting to think I wouldn't be so lucky.

As I thought, I stayed awake the entire trip, trying to sleep at some points but failing miserably. I tried to read magazines, watch the little TV they had in the seats, literally anything to keep my mind off that fact that I was thousands of feet in the air. I felt nauseous the whole trip and was beyond excited when I finally landed in Helsinki, if nothing else, to just be on the ground again.

I went through and got my bags, starting to worry. I didn't understand a word most people were saying, even though I'd heard Ville speak Finnish a thousand times, I was starting to wish I'd paid more attention when he did. It took me a little while to figure out where to go, as most signs weren't in English and the air port was huge. I finally found the escalator I needed and got on, praying someone I knew was waiting for me. I clutched my bags, nervous about the unfamiliar surroundings. I felt a little bit overwhelmed but did my best to just stay calm and look for someone I knew. I assumed Mige or Linde would be waiting for me, as it would be risky for Ville to be seen there, with journalists always following him, but after a moment of looking around, I caught a glimpse of those gorgeous, green eyes and I swear I almost started running.

"Jamie!" He called, waving to me.

"Ville!" I ran into him, practically knocking him over, and hugged him. I couldn't believe what a relief it was to be with him again, to be in the arms that made me feel so safe and warm. "I missed you so much!"

"I missed you too! Glad to have you back." He kissed me, to my surprise. He wasn't lying when he said he wasn't going to hide our relationship anymore. I'd wondered what changed in him, what made him so okay with this. Maybe he was tired of hiding, tired of avoiding people and places, maybe it was just time to not care so much.

"Get me out of here! I literally never want to see a plane ever again!" I laughed, tired from the trip.

He lead me out to a taxi, and surprisingly 5 or 6 reporters were already waiting for him, cameras flashing and snapping at a thousand miles a minute. It was a bit shocking to me, as it wasn't something I'd ever seen in person before, only in movies and stuff. He really was a huge star in Finland, and you could immediately see it, watching people look at him from afar, taking pictures of him on their phones, some were even calling his name trying to get signatures from the streets while we drove. It was insane! It must have leaked that he would be there and fans found out, and really I thought it was the weirdest thing to see people act this way.

"People really adore you here, don't they?" I laughed, nudging him.

"I like to think so." He winked arrogantly.

I rolled my eyes and looked out the window, taking in the beautiful scenery of the city. I found that the air was so bitter cold and rigid that I wasn't even sure I'd packed warm enough clothing. I expected cold, but this was incomprehensible. We drove for about 20 minutes before reaching Munkkiniemi, which was apparently a neighborhood in Helsinki where Ville's tower was. All the road signs were so confusing and the words were so long, I felt like I would never catch on.

We arrived at the big gates that I'd remembered from when Ville had showed me on Skype, and I was excited to see what he'd done with the place since moving in. He opened the gates and let me in, quickly allowing me access to his home, that thankfully was much warmer than the bitter Finland winter.

Everything was decorated in a way that screamed "Ville." It was simple, modern, but at the same time it was still a tower and had a strange gothic sort of vibe, similar to the vibe he'd brought to HIM. There was something so different and uniquely him about it and I adored it. "This place is amazing!" I said, upon looking around. He had a grand piano in the living room and I couldn't have been happier, I'd never gotten to hear him play. "You have to play this for me!" I said, touching the ivory keys ever so lightly, as to not make a sound with them.

"One of these days." He laughed as he took my hand. "Would you like a tour?"

"Of course I would!" I said, feeling oddly at home already. The whole place was decorated with Christmas lights and tinsel and I loved it. I kind of knew it was only for me though, as I couldn't see him decorating like this for just himself.

As he showed me around, I noticed how excited he was, how proud of this place he was. It was like the first place that was ever truly just his, and not half for someone else. I already knew he'd bought and renovated his whole last house for Jonna, leaving himself nothing but a studio. I felt like nothing could suit him better than his tower. I was proud of him for doing this, but I knew loneliness often consumed him, and I felt a little bad about him living alone.

After my little tour, I went back to his living room and sat down on the couch and covered up with the blanket he had laying on it lazily. "You must be exhausted from your flight." He said, standing over me.

"I am. But if I sleep now, I won't sleep all night. I might be able to beat this jet lag before it gets to me." I laughed. The time difference was truly astounding.

"Let's order take out." He laughed, nudging me to scoot over so he could sit down.

He called somewhere and started talking, and I had no clue what he was saying at all, but I could tell he was placing an order for us. I had no idea what I was about to get, especially since I knew nothing of Finnish cuisine, I was hoping he'd go easy on me. I was dying of hunger and I didn't want to have him order something for me that I wouldn't like.

"What did you get me?" I asked when he hung up.

"Didn't you hear? Ravioli Con Carne form Vapiano." He laughed, knowing that literally meant nothing to me. "It's a a ravioli dish with bolognese, you'll like it. Vapiano is great."

"What did you order?" I asked, glad he'd ordered something that actually sounded familiar to me.

"Pesto Basilico. Pasta dish." He smiled, happy with the relief on my face. I'd heard a lot about using reindeer meat and dairy products from goat and it all made me a little uneasy, I was happy to be having a normal meal.

"So what do we do until the food gets here?" I asked, not wanting to sleep yet.

"Entertain ourselves. Let's do something." He said, sighing.

"Like what?" I asked, making him give me a look that I'd only seen a few times before. "What?" I asked again when he didn't answer, more quiet this time.

"It's been far too long kulta." He touched my face, gently rubbing his thumb across it. "En voi kertoa, kuinka paljon olen kaivannut sinua." I knew it was easier for him to express his feelings in Finnish, so I didn't get frustrated with him for not speaking to me in a way I'd understand, especially since I knew he'd translate. "I've missed you." I found that this was something he did often, he'd speak Finnish to get across what he needed, then translate. It must have been because English was not his first language, maybe it was easier for him to say what he actually wanted to that way.

I had a terrible urge to tell him that I loved him, even though the realization of it all was still fairly new to me. I knew it was real, and I knew it the moment he walked away from me a month before, but I'd kept it inside for so long, I even actively avoided thinking about it for a while, but seeing him right in front of me after all that time, I couldn't help but feel it more at that moment than I ever had. I tried to get the courage to say it, to just tell him, if he hadn't felt the same way I knew he'd understand, he was accepting of things that way, but before I could even give it another thought his lips were slowly caressing my own and I missed my chance. I mentally slapped myself, but prepared more for next time I felt I could do it. Next time, I wouldn't hesitate if it felt right. I just needed the right moment.

I found this moment more sensual than any other we'd shared. Maybe it was because we hadn't seen each other in so long, or maybe it was because I was just looking at him and everything he did differently since I'd known that I was in love with him, I wasn't really sure. His hand found my thigh as the other ran up and down my back. I dared to run a hand down his chest, and I noticed the dents that marked his abs through his shirt, and I automatically regretted it. I wanted more from him, much more than he was giving me, even though I knew it wasn't a good idea, I wasn't in the right state of mind to make that decision.

Just when I thought I'd lose all self control I had, the doorbell rang. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to yell out "Shit!" Or "Thank goodness!" I wanted Ville in a bad way, but it was probably better we'd been interrupted.

"I suppose it's time to eat." He said, a little breathlessly, which was insanely attractive somehow. I just nodded and he got up to answer the door. "Kiitos. Pitäkää loput." He said, shutting the door and bring in the food to me.

Everything smelled amazing and my lust turned to hunger. "Thank you, this looks awesome." I said, opening the box.

"Of course." We turned on the TV and I flipped around the channels until I found my favorite Christmas movie, Jack Frost. It was the one made in 1979 where the whole thing was stop motion. I was excited it was on, and in English, although there were Finnish subtitles on the bottom of the screen.

I felt like I was in my own little personal heaven. Even though I was tired, I could have lived in that moment forever, as strange as that sounds. It was so comfortable and peaceful. I honestly wanted nothing more than to live the rest of my life like that, comfortable, content, happy. I felt no worry or stress anymore and it was such a relief.

At some point, I'd fallen asleep on the couch, but it wasn't where I woke up. It wasn't the bright sunlight that woke me, to be honest, nothing really woke me in particular. I opened my eyes, feeling relieved and well rested for once. I was in a large bed, adorned with black and purple silk sheets and a matching duvet and large, soft pillows. It was probably the most comfortable bed I'd ever slept in and I already dreaded going back home to my own bed.

Upon looking around, it was easy to figure out that this was Ville's room. He had papers with scribbles laying around, much like he did at his house in the states, and the curtains were so heavy and dark that I had no idea what the time of day was. I got up and opened the curtains to find the sun rising. I checked my phone that was sitting on his bedside table and saw that it was 9:25. I thought it was incredibly odd that the sun wasn't completely up yet so late! I wondered what time the sun would set in this case.

I made my way down the spiraled staircase and into the kitchen where Ville was sipping coffee and reading a news paper. "Hyvää huomenta."

"Good morning?" I guessed, somewhat getting the hang of his greetings. He liked to challenge me sometimes with Finnish, making me guess what he was saying. I did pretty good, as he did well to make it obvious, but this language was proving to be pretty hard to catch on to.

"Kyllä." He nodded, and I remembered that "kyllä" meant "yes." He looked to be in a playful mood, which was great to see.

"What are our plans today? And English, please. I don't think I can figure out a whole sentence yet!" I said, making him laugh.

"Well, today I thought I might show you around Helsinki a bit, grab a bite to eat, oh and I have an interview later today I'd love for you to come to." He shrugged, as if it were just an every day thing.

"Are you sure I should go? I don't want to get in the way." I didn't want to interfere with his career, even in the smallest way. I wanted to make sure everything that he did for his career came solely form him and not because I was around or anything weird.

"You won't be in the way. It'll be great." He said, reassuring me.

I nodded, hoping he was right. "In that case, do you mind if I shower?"

"You don't have to ask." He chuckled, and a part of me already knew that but I felt it was rude not to.

I went and got ready for the day, making sure to wear a warm sweater. I figured I'd be outside a lot and judging by how cold it was the day before, I did not want to under dress. When I was ready to go, Ville was waiting by the door for me. I thought we were going to drive somewhere, but we ended up just walking. I'd guessed wherever he wanted to go it wasn't very far away.

We walked around Munkkiniemi for a while, Ville told stories about different places we passed, some about Bam and stupid things they did together, others involved Jonna. As unpleasant as those people were at the moment, it was still nice to hear him talk about good times with them. It made me realize that there was once a good relationship between Ville and Bam and Jonna, especially Jonna. I hadn't heard a lot of good about her, and it was definitely enlightening to hear it. It made me remember that she once had a good and loving relationship with Ville, and that things weren't always as terrible as they were when I met him. But I adored the happiness on his face, being able to let me into his life, into his home, the place where he grew up, in the most personal way.

We stopped at Veggie, which was pretty obviously a vegetarian restaurant. We ate and talked more about his memories, even memories of him working at his father's sex shop, Aikuisten lelukauppa, meaning Adult Toy Shop, which was about a 20 minute drive to Kallio, which of course he promised we'd visit some time.

Once lunch was finished, we took a taxi to meet with a man named Jussi, which didn't mean much to me as I had no idea who he was, but I quickly found that he was in the band The 69 Eyes, which was also a very popular Finnish band. We met up at the studio Jussi broadcast his radio show for Ville's interview.

We all took a seat, Jussi across from Ville and me, and put on headphones. I wasn't intending to speak or be spoken to, but it was definitely cool watching and being somewhat apart of the whole thing. I'd never seen anything like this done and I was fascinated.

"Ville! Tervetuloa!" He seemed excited to have Ville there, I was told they had known each other for a long time. I was just hoping they would speak English so I could understand too.

"Kiitos, kittos." He said, thanking him. I was glad I had at least been introduced to the language. "Haittaako, jos käytämme Englanti?" I knew "Englanti" meant "English."

"Oh, of course." Jussi answered, winking at me. I smiled in response, silently thanking them both.

"So Ville, you're back in Helsinki! How was recording in America?" He seemed incredibly excited to see his friend, and with the fall out with Bam and Ville, it made me happy to see a friendship for Ville.

"Incredible! The whole process was wonderful, we got a lot done and I think we came out with an awesome record." He nodded and talked with his hands a lot, even though it was radio and no one could see him.

"Believe me, you did! It's amazing as always!" His face lit up and you could really tell he was being genuine. "So there's been a lot of talk about you and Jonna, as I'm sure you're aware." Ville nodded, although he looked like he already knew these kinds of questions would come up. "And I've noticed you've brought along a beautiful woman with you, care to explain?"

"Well, for starters Jonna and I have been divorced for a while now. It wasn't because of any infidelity or anything like that, it was really just that we'd grown apart and the distance between us had grown too much and things just weren't good anymore. She asked for the divorce while I was in America, where I met the woman next to me, Jamie." He smiled at me, probably expecting me to say something, but I clammed up and just smiled back.

"Jamie, you were the one in the tabloids a while back, yes?" He asked, referring to when someone had seen me with Ville and Bam out of the bridge.

"Yeah, that's me. But the tabloids weren't exactly truthful. Ville and I weren't seeing each other in any romantic way back then." I answered, trying to keep this short and to the point.

"So when did this relationship start?" He asked, making me look straight to Ville for the answer. I didn't want to mess up and say something stupid, so I was very cautious and always looked to him for approval.

"Not too long ago actually. I think has been obvious for a while that there were feelings there, but we didn't really share that with each other until recently." Ville answered. He had such professionalism to his answers, you could definitely tell he did this for a living.

"Well, do you mind if I ask a few questions?" He asked me, and I was happy he was so polite about it.

"Sure." I said, a little unsure to be honest. I looked at Ville again, who just smiled and nodded at me to let me know it was okay. I had never been interviewed like this before so I had no idea what to expect.

"So how did you meet Ville? I mean, there are a lot of girls out there who would die to be in your shoes, dating this sex god over here!" He laughed.

"Oh, uh we met at a flower shop. I was working and he came in. After that I ran into him on the street one day and we just kept talking after that." I wanted to keep things pretty vague, just in case.

"Okay, okay. So if the world thinks one thing about Ville Valo, it's that he's probably the most romantic guy in the world. Is that true?" He was obviously asking this for his lady listeners.

"Ville isn't intentionally a romantic person, to be honest. He just is. I don't know, he just has this way about him where it's like he doesn't even try, it's just how things happen. He's really a beautiful person inside and it absolutely shows in his day to day life. He's someone I never would have dreamed to be real." I laughed, shrugging.

"Ville, sounds like she's got it bad for you." He teased.

"Well that's a relief, otherwise this would be terribly one sided." He chuckled, his eyes flashing toward me.

"So Ville, sorry to mention this, but as I'm sure you know, Jonna is pregnant. Is the baby yours?" He asked, seemingly already knowing that answer, but I think he was just trying to give Ville a chance to clear this up.

"No. Jonna got pregnant after I left to record, I hadn't had any sexual interactions with her a while before I even left to be honest. So no, there is no way that child is mine." He sounded stern and honest, he didn't want anyone getting the wrong idea in the slightest.

"Do you know who the father is? That has been a hot question these days." He seemed just as curious as I was.

"I have no idea. You'd have to ask her." He shrugged, looking a little peeved by this.

"Fair enough. So, speaking of pregnancies, do you intend to have a little one of your own one day?" He asked, looking to both of us for an answer.

I felt incredibly awkward, and I could tell Ville did too by the way his cheeks turned a bit red. "Well, sure, I guess, one day in the future. But not now." He chuckled, obviously feeling a little uncomfortable.

"How about touring? When is that happening?" He asked, completely changing the subject.

"Good question! I'm not sure yet, I'll let you know when I do. I assume we'll be doing some local shows here and there in the near future, but as for America and a lot of Europe, that's still up in the air." I hoped a USA tour would happen soon after I left Helsinki, just for the hope that he'd be able to see me for a night or two if they stopped close by.

"Well, Ville, Jamie, thank you both so much, but we're out of time. I really appreciate you both coming." He said, shaking our hands.

"Thank you, it's great seeing you again Jussi." Ville said as he shook his hand.

"We'll have to bring you both back soon." He smiled, then started talking in Finnish to his listeners while Ville and I quietly took of our headphones and left the studio.

"So, your first interview! What did you think?" He asked, seemingly amused.

"Scary!" I said, making him laugh. "I was stressed out! I thought I would say something stupid. I have no idea how you do this."

"Practice, darling. Lots and lots of practice." He held my hand as we hailed a taxi to go back home. Home. It scared me a little, how right that word felt when referring to Ville's tower. I had to wonder about my future, was that really the place I would end up calling home one day? In a country where I didn't speak the native language? In a city I wasn't familiar with? With a man I adored? Who knew, but the possibility of it happening excited me somehow, and I was thrilled to see what our future held.