Beyond Redemption

I woke up early from the noise coming from the kitchen. It sounded like Kari was cooking. I looked up at Ville, who was sound asleep, and ran my fingers through his hair a few times. I wanted to wake him up, because being alone with his family still intimidated me a bit. I didn't know them very well yet, although they seemed wonderful.

"Hey." I whispered, waking him gently, though the attempt had gotten me nothing but a sigh. "Wake up."

His face scrunched up and he rolled over onto his stomach, probably avoiding getting out of bed. I started massaging his back, which got me another sigh from him and a serene look on his face. I stopped after a few minutes and he groaned. "Älä lopeta kulta." He groaned.

"I have no idea what you're saying." I said, still keeping my voice down.

"Don't stop." His voice was raspy and deep, something I loved.

"You need to get up. I think your dad is making breakfast." I ran my hand up and down his spine a few times, encouraging his consciousness.

"What's the time?" He asked, refusing to open his eyes.

"I don't know. The sun hasn't come up yet, but that really doesn't mean much here in Finland, now does it?" I chuckled, still finding it odd that there was only about 6 hours of sunlight.

"No." He smiled and finally made eye contact with me, his green eyes seemingly glowing. "Lay back down for a little while longer. Believe me, you'll wish you had."

"And why is that?" I asked, wondering what was on the agenda.

"Well it's Christmas Eve. Do you know what that means?" He asked, as if I should know.

"That Christmas is tomorrow? And we won't get to sleep in tomorrow?" I guessed, not really sure what he was getting at.

"Oh darling, you didn't do any research on Christmas in Finland did you?" Oh shit.

"Is it different than regular Christmas?" I asked, not realizing how stupid I probably sounded.

"Very." He shut his eyes again and rolled onto his back.

"You may want to start explaining." I was a little worried, what had I gotten myself into? I hadn't even thought to ask him if the holidays were any different.

"Well, let's start with the fact that today is the day of celebration, and tomorrow is the day of rest. Today we decorate the tree with gingerbread that I'm sure my mom will want your help with. We also do our Christmas dinner tonight, along with drinking glögi, exchanging gifts, and I'm sure we'll end up in the sauna at some point." It was a pretty general list, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. "And tomorrow is the day where people visit family and friends, it's usually a very quiet and relaxed day. And the day after is usually filled with heavy drinking and partying, but that's optional." He chuckled.

"First off, that actually sounds like fun." I was excited for the events, and oddly I hadn't felt like my Christmas traditions were being compromised like I expected, we were kind of just adding to them and doing them a day earlier. "Second, what the hell is a gloggy?"

By the way Ville laughed, I assumed I'd said that wrong. "Glögi is a mulled red wine, served hot. It has cardamon and cinnamon in it, and you usually eat raisins and almonds with it."

"Oh, that actually sounds like it tastes a lot better than it sounds." I was relieved. I was still a little scared of Finnish cuisine. "So what does dinner look like? Ham? Mashed potatoes, deviled eggs, the works?"

"Not quite." He laughed, looking over at me again. "Most common main dishes are pork roasts or baked ham. But there's usually a lot of smoked salmon or herring, casseroles made from different root vegetables, beet salads, things like that." Honestly none of those things sounded very good to me, but I had to convince myself to at least taste them before judging. "Dessert is my favorite though. Mom always makes gingerbread and spice cake. Actually, Dad should be making rice pudding right now. Another tradition of sorts."

"How different." I said, incredibly interested by this. I wished I had researched this before I came.

"And how could I forget the ice lanterns? One of those simple things you'd love." This peaked my interest, so I stayed quite to let him continue. "You just fill a bucket with water and freeze it until you have about 2 inches of ice all the way around. Dump the ice out of the bucket and empty the rest of the water. Flip it and put it over a candle and put it outside. It's simple, but I feel like you'll love it."

"I don't think this holiday could get any better. I am never celebrating another Christmas in America." I laughed, making him smile.

"I hope not. Maybe that means you'll move here with me." I couldn't tell if he was being serious or not, but I just smiled at him.

"You know, that doesn't make me want to go back to sleep. This just makes me want to get up more! Come on! Let's start the day!" I urged, tugging on his hand.

"You're like a 5 year old." He laughed, shaking his head.

"Come on Ville, get up already!" I shook his arm, making him roll his eyes. "Don't just sleep the day away! You-" I was abruptly cut off by Ville's lips crashing into mine. It was unexpected but incredibly welcome. I adored the way he cradled my face with such care, the way he smiled into a kiss, and the careful way he touched me, soft and sensitive, wary of here his hands landed.

He pushed me back down onto the soft pillows without breaking the kiss, his tongue quickly slid over my lip, begging for entrance. The moment I granted entrance his hand found its way to my hair and he brushed over it, grazing my face along the way, landing on my neck. A sigh escaped his mouth as his other hand fled to my thigh.

I ran my hand down his chest a few times, admiring his body, while the other touched his face as my thumb lightly trailed his sharp jawline. I felt desperate for him, which wasn't all that odd. It had been a long time since I even thought about sleeping with a man, let alone having him on top of me. I knew the timing was wrong, and I think he did too, which is why it never went as far as sex, but by the time we were interrupted his shirt was off and so were my shorts, although I was still covered by panties and the shirt I was wearing. I would have loved to mess around a little longer though, even if it only led to 2nd base.

"Herää Prinsessa Ruusunen!" It was Kari knocking on the door. "Breakfast is ready!"

"Sure thing." Ville said as he lifted his head to get his father away from the door. "Sorry."

"Don't be." I laughed, pecking his lips one more time before getting up out of bed and stretching. I slipped a pair of sweats on and made my way out to the kitchen once Ville had a shirt on.

"Good morning you two!" Anita greeted us as she sat at the table.

"Morning!" I smiled, in a great mood.

We all sat down and started eating, Jesse coming to the table late. He kept rubbing his eyes and yawning, he must have stayed up late.

the rice pudding was delicious and I ate until I couldn't anymore, and while we ate Anita talked with me about how she needed my help making gingerbread, just like Ville had told me earlier. I could already tell it was going to be a great day, but it made me sad that this would all just be a bunch of memories soon.

After breakfast, I showered and readied myself for the day, making sure I looked a little nicer than normal as it was a holiday. By the time I got back out to the kitchen, Anita was already starting the get things out for her gingerbread. "Just in time! Do you mind giving me a hand?"

"Sure." I did my best to help her, thankfully I was already pretty good at baking.

"So how are you liking Helsinki?" She asked as we started mixing ingredients.

"It's beautiful here! I feel like I never want to go home." I meant it too. Finland had been so great so far, I couldn't imagine how I was going to feel once I went back home.

"Well, you know, I'm sure Ville would love for you to move here." Second comment about that. Maybe he was serious.

"You think so? I don't know if he really feels that way or not." Moving in with someone is a big step, I didn't know for sure if he felt our relationship was strong enough for that yet.

"Oh sweetie, I'm sure he does. I know my son, he really does care for you." She smiled, which made me feel relieved.

"I hope so." I said, staring down into the bowl as I mixed together the dough. I think Anita knew I wanted to say something, as she comfortable stayed quiet until I got the courage. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course." She smiled as if she already knew somehow.

"Well, Ville and I haven't been together that long." I started, feeling nervous. "But things have felt so different, especially since I've been here, I've been thinking about this from the second he left the airport." I stopped what I was doing to look at her. She also stopped and looked me in the eyes, giving me a look that I could take comfort in. "I'm in love with your son, and I have no idea how to tell him, especially since I don't know if he feels the same."

"You don't think he loves you back?" She asked, as if it were a silly thing to say.

"I don't know. Like I said, we haven't been seeing each other very long. I just feel like I should tell him, I just don't want to ruin our relationship." I shrugged, not realizing until that point how much I'd missed my own mom. I wanted her advice, for her to tell me that things would be okay, but I didn't have her because she couldn't accept my life decisions. I knew there would come a day when I would feel like this, but I really didn't want it to be at that moment.

"Let me tell you something." She said, as she resumed mixing. "I had the same problem with Kari. I knew I loved him pretty fast too, and it was scary. I had the same fears you do, not wanting to ruin the relationship by going to fast or scaring him off, but I felt like not telling him was hindering it too. So I got up the courage and I finally told him. "

"What did he say?" I asked, enthralled with her story.

"Olen rakastanut teitä, koska nyt olen nähnyt teitä. Which means 'I've loved you since the moment I saw you.' and I never felt so relieved!" She laughed over her fond memory. "I know what it's like to love a man like Ville, as he's just like his father. The smooth, flowing words, the romantic gestures, the artistic side, the music, all of it, it's a wonderful thing, but there's a tough side to it too. They're both stubborn, motivated men, but they tend to be a little less than tolerable at times. They forget to phone when they promise, they aren't good at keeping up with house work, they need their alone time, their space to be creative without anyone around, and the passion in them drives them, even in bad situations like arguments. Kari was always a hard man to love, and I can imagine Ville is the same, maybe worse if you consider his career, but I can promise you it's so worth it. It may not always feel that way, but putting up with their flaws is absolutely worth being loved by them. And now, years and years later, I'm still glad I told him I loved him that day, because it was the start of the rest of my life. Don't be afraid of it, dear. Be afraid of missing your opportunity."

"I can't tell you how much that means to me." I said, reflecting on her words. She was absolutely right. I had to say something. Soon. Before it was too late. "Thank you so much."

"You're so welcome." She said, giving me a hug. "I'm glad that my son has found someone as sweet as you to spend his life with. I thought he was doomed when he married Jonna!" She said, making me laugh.

"Well I'm glad you don't think he's doomed anymore!" I said, making her laugh with me.

We went on making gingerbread, joking around and telling interesting stories about Ville back and forth. I really liked Anita, she was like the mom I always wanted my mom to be. She had so much love for her husband and her sons, it even felt like she had a love and care for me, even though she didn't really know me. I got along with her well, it was something I definitely felt like I needed in my life too.

"Smells great out here." Ville said as he and Jesse walked into the kitchen as the last batch of gingerbread baked.

"Hands off!" She said, guarding the pan as Jesse tried to steal a cookie.

Ville came up to me and kissed my forehead. "And how has bonding with my mother been?"

"Great." I said, genuinely feeling like it was going well, to my surprise. I expected this visit to be more awkward.

"She hasn't said anything too embarrassing I hope." He looked a little worried.

"Oh she would never." I said sarcastically, he scrunched up his face looking a little scared.

"Well, in any case, are you helping her with dinner too? Or would you rather come with me?" He asked, giving me this sexy smirk that made me wonder what the hell he wanted to do.

"Ville Hermanni Valo!" Anita said, pointing her finger at him. "Don't you take my help away from me! I need her since none of you fools are useful in the kitchen."

"Let me take her." He practically begged.

"Where are you going?" I asked, knowing everything was closed.

"Tower. I need to grab a few things that I couldn't before." I wondered why he wanted me to go with him so bad, but I figured it was because he knew how long dinner would take and that he wouldn't see me much if I helped Anita.

"Well that shouldn't take you very long. Just hurry up and you can help us with dinner when you come back." I suggested.

"Believe me love, you'll want to come." He winked, and I was suddenly confused.

"But-"

"You'll want to come with me." He repeated, giving me the hint that we weren't actually going to the tower. "Mother, I'm taking her. Plus, dinner wouldn't be the same if it weren't you making it." He said giving her a hug.

"You little bastard." She laughed, hugging him back. "Fine, but you two need to be back by 6, okay? That's when dinner is on, not a minute later!"

"I wouldn't dream of being late." He smiled, kissing her cheek. I loved how much he cared for his mother, I always thought you could see someone's true colors by the way they treated their mother.

"I'll see you guys soon!" She waved as we got jackets and head out the door.

"So where are we actually going?" I asked as Ville hailed a taxi.

"You'll see." Was all the explanation I got.

We got into the taxi and he spoke in Finnish when he gave the location, so obviously I couldn't understand him. We were in the car for about 10 minutes before we stopped at a cemetery. "Ville, why did you take me to a cemetery?" The gravestones were lit with candles as the sun started to go down, even though it was only about 3. Tons of people were there, holding candles and flowers.

"Well, we aren't really here for the cemetery. It was just as close as we can get in a car." I was confused by this, but we started walking up a trail on the opposite side of the street as the cemetery.

We walked for close to another 10 minutes, mostly uphill, before arriving to a clearing. I hadn't realized we were on a cliff. "Oh." I said as I stepped forward, carefully. I looked over the edge at the brightly lit city below us, everything adorned in Christmas lights and arches with lights and wreathes lines the main streets. It was so quiet, so serene, not even the wind made a sound. It was snowing ever so lightly over the city and it really made for something beautiful to look at. I was surprised no one else was around.

"I thought this would be a great way to show you Helsinki." He said, standing next to me with his arm wrapped around my waist.

"It's beautiful." I said, a little speechless over it.

"It's home. And honestly it hadn't felt like it in a long time, until you arrived." He stared out at the lights below as he spoke.

"Hmm. Somehow it feels like home to me too." It really did. Everything was so wonderful and easy, I felt like this was where I truly belonged. I started considering making the move.

"I hope you'll take it as your home one day.." He paused, though I could tell he wasn't finished. "With me."

"You really want me to come live here?" I asked, looking up at him.

"Of course I do. Are you willing to move like that? It won't be easy." He looked a little concerned.

"Actually, I'm considering it. I don't have much left for me back there anyway, only the shop and a few friends. I don't know. Maybe I should just pack up and move." I was more so thinking out loud, but the idea started sounding better and better.

"You would do that for me? You'd leave everyone and everything you know to be here?" He asked, pushing the hair that the wind blew in my face. I hadn't really thought about how cold the breeze was.

"Yeah." I shrugged, not thinking it was a huge deal to want that. Why wouldn't I want that?

"Why?" He asked, to my surprise.

This was it. I could feel it, I knew my answer and I wasn't going to let this opportunity slip away from me again, especially after my talk with Anita. She gave me the confidence to say it, and all I could do was hope he felt the same. "Because I love you Ville." I said, letting it roll off my tongue as I had so many times over in my head.

"What?" He turned toward me and I swear my heart stopped.

"I love you." I said, directly into his beautiful green eyes that reflected the lights below us.

"Oh, kulta, minäkin rakastan sinua." He said, looking relieved. That phrase, "rakastan sinua." It rang a bell.

"Ville-"

"I love you, Jamie." He said, touching my face. I couldn't have been any happier or relived, but I finally realized where I'd heard that phrase before. He leaned down and kissed me, temporarily making me forget anything I was thinking about. His warm lips against my cold ones felt like heaven and I swear, I never felt so happy.

We broke the kiss and all I could do is stare at his beautiful face for a moment. Everything about him was perfect and I felt like I could burst with the love I felt, then reality hit me again and I wanted to know. "Ville, what you just said, 'rakastan sinua' did you write that on my CD?"

"You remembered." He smiled and blushed a little. "Didn't take you as long as I thought it would."

"Wait a second that means-"

"It means 'I love you.' And yes, I meant it then too." He said, finishing my train of thought.

I was in awe. This whole time I was worried, freaking out at some points, over him not feeling the same way, ans he already told me he loved me, I just hadn't realized it. "You didn't mention that when you told me what you wrote." I said, feeling struck with shock and something that felt like I'd just solved the five room puzzle.

"No, I left that part out." He smirked.

"Why?" I asked, wondering what reason he would have to not tell me if he'd felt it back then.

"Because I didn't want to scare you off." Oh. I should have known that he'd have the same fears I did. And I didn't even know I loved him until the airport, so maybe he was right in not saying anything.

"I was worried about the same thing." I laughed, thinking this whole thing was a little ironic.

"Don't ever be afraid of that. I really do love you, and I always will. No matter what." He kissed my forehead and hugged me tight. I felt warm and comfortable in his arms, literally nothing could have made this better.

I stayed quiet and just enjoyed the moment I got to live in. I could barely believe this was real, it was too perfect, too beautiful to exist in my life. Not one part of me ever thought something like this was possible. It was a dream and I never wanted to wake up.