Beyond Redemption

The moment Ville sat in my car, the scent of coffee, cigarettes, and some type of body spray overwhelmed the area. It was actually intoxicating and hoped it would last a while. And having him next to me didn't feel weird at all, even though my brain was screaming at me for offering an almost complete stranger a ride home.

I had become a little more comfortable with Ville as the hours went on. We talked a lot about What Finland was like as opposed to how it was in America and the changes he had to make to be here. Primarily he spoke Finnish, which of course made sense, so his English was heavily accented, but he actually spoke the language itself wonderfully, even more so than most people who primarily spoke English. His words were always thoughtful and genuine, or so it seemed anyway, and when he talked the beautiful words just poured from his mouth like honey in such a way that immediately gave away that he was at least a poet or writer of some form.

The ride back to his house was pretty quite beyond small talk and the background noise of the GPS. He was only able to give me the address as he wasn't so familiar with the area. I thought it was strange that he'd been there for a month or so and he still didn't know his way around. I figured he didn't go far, probably to his studio and the store, he never talked about going anywhere else. He really was a bit of a hermit from what he told me. He said he was normally a homebody and that he enjoyed the time he spent writing in his home, though I could literally see the loneliness in his eyes and on his face and even in the things he said. It was obvious that he missed Jonna's company, but I was still to be convinced that it was actually her he was missing, even if that sounded strange. She was his wife after all.

After about a 10 minute drive, we'd arrived to the area he was familiar with. "Ah! I know where we are now." He said, a little proud. "Turn here and then take the next left. The house is on the right."

I followed his instructions and pulled up to the drive way. "There you go." I smiled, glad to have saved him the walk back as it would have taken him a while.

"Thank you so much love, I am truly grateful." He nodded, sincerity radiating from him.

"No problem. If you ever want to get coffee again, you know where I work." I didn't want to give him my phone number, even though that would have been easier, because I thought it may cross a line in his marriage that I didn't want to cross.

"I'll keep that in mind." He chuckled, though I could tell he was a bit hesitant to go in. Maybe the loneliness was actually getting to him.

"Well thanks for the coffee." I said quickly before an awkward silence came.

"Any time. I'll see you soon, yes?" It seemed like more of a statement than a question.

"Absolutely. Take care Ville." I waved as he opened the door and stepped out of the car.

"You too Jamie." He smiled and waved to me then shut the door and made his way into his house.

As I pulled away, I couldn't help but admire him a little. He was a truly beautiful man down to the last detail. His curly hair draped perfectly over his chiseled, porcelain face that adorned his incredible greenish blue eyes and irresistible smile. Maybe it was just from the fact that he was attractive, or foreign, or a musician, but I was starting to get a crush on him that I actively had to fight off. It wasn't right to be having these feeling for a married man.

When I went home that night, I lazily went straight to my room, ignoring the arguing between Bane and Liz in the kitchen. I was too into my own thoughts to even care this time. I wanted to be alone for a while, to give myself some time to breathe as I felt like I'd been holding my breath the whole time I was with Ville.

I laid in silence for a while, enjoying the soft rain still falling from the sky. I couldn't get him off my mind though, as much as I tried to forget. I even tried thinking about Noah and really digging deep into how I felt about him once, but even that didn't distract me long. Usually I totally ignored my old feelings for Noah, this was the moment I found out that I'd actually gotten over him. I hadn't forgiven him or forgot about him, but i was finally done dwelling in it, and maybe some of that realization was because of Ville, but mostly I think it was just the fact that I finally saw for myself that I could be interested in someone that isn't Noah. I could have feelings, even slight ones, for someone else. It was a sign that I would be able to move on in my love life, and it was a sign I'd been searching for since we broke up. I found myself relieved, but frustrated at the same time.

Ville was a married man, I'd known that the first time we met. My little crush on him was innocent enough, I never thought it would go anywhere not did I have intentions of acting on anything. I in no way wanted to ruin his marriage, even if it was already on the edge of destruction without me. But another reality hit me, how could I ruin a marriage if Ville wasn't even interested in me?

Ville made a vow to Jonna to love her forever, to live by her side until death. Why would I ever have a hope in the world that he'd even like me? Thinking about this too much was definitely going to be the end my sanity, especially if I didn't stop validating feelings that I hadn't wanted to admit I had.

I decided then that this crush couldn't go on any longer, that I had to think of him as nothing more than a friend. I couldn't allow myself to have hope, but somehow I found myself looking up his music. I hadn't done it before, so I really had no idea what to expect. I figured if I was going to give up my hope, I could at least find out all of what I was loosing, as stupid and immature as it sounds.

I clicked on the first video that shows up when you YouTube "HIM" and it happened to be a video called The Sacrament and honestly I was impressed. The video quality wasn't the best, but the content had my dying for more. Ville's singing voice was even better than I had imagined, which is saying something as I already had high expectations just based on his talking voice. The sound that played behind him was unlike any other band I'd ever heard. It had a strange, dark, almost magical fell to it and I loved it. I wanted to listen to more, to keep finding songs to fall in love with, but I could only see this going down a road I didn't want to go down. If i liked his music it would only make my small crush on him grow.

I turned off any electronics I had going and turned over to face my window. Giving up a little crush hadn't ever been so hard, but with patience and devotion, I could do it. Ville was not going to have feelings for me anyway, and I had to stop thinking of him.

Just as I was drifting off to sleep a loud bang on came on my bedroom door, startling me awake. "Come in." I answered, assuming it was Liz.

As I suspected, Liz came in, crying. She slammed the door behind her and starting whimpering and trying to tell me what was going on but I couldn't understand a word of it behind her sobs. "He.. Bane.. And fucking.." Was about all I could even try to understand.

"Liz! Calm down! What is going on?" I asked, sitting up and touching her shoulders to try to calm her down. I wished I were more surprised by this kind of thing, but honestly it happened quite a bit. She and Bane would fight about something and she'd always end up in my room crying over something mean he said to her. She'd spend the night in my room, then by the time I got home from work the next day they'd be fine. It was a cycle that I wished she would get out of.

"Bane. He's a fucking idiot." She said, still breathing heavy and trying to control her tears.

"What happened this time?" I asked, not meaning to sound irritated. I was so close to sleep and I wasn't the type who liked to be woken up, even in the morning.

"He got all pissed off because he thought I was cheating on him with Noah, of all people!" Her anger was starting to outweigh her sadness, but my heart dropped when she said Noah's name.

"Why would he think that?" I asked, silently praying it wasn't true.

"Because I saw him the other day. He stopped by, I forgot to tell you." I was slightly angry at her for not telling me this, it was kind of a big deal as I hadn't had any contact with him since I left. "But anyway, I thought you were supposed to be home right after work like always so I invited him in to wait for you but you never showed up."

"What did he want?" I asked, though I wasn't even sure if I wanted to know.

"He just said he needed to talk to you. But he was here for like 2 hours waiting and Bane found out he was here and now he thinks I slept with him." She was furious, and I couldn't understand why. If she didn't do it then why was this such a huge deal?

"Did you?" I knew I didn't want to know the answer to this. Although I felt free of his grasp on me, I suddenly felt protective of him. Liz was the one person on the planet that I didn't want to have slept with Noah. He slept around a lot, but sleeping with my best friend is a huge leap over the line, and a complete betrayal on Liz's part.

"No, I didn't sleep with him." She was annoyed answering this, but a part of me didn't believe her. I thought maybe it was my own paranoia, but the look on her face screamed that she wasn't telling me something.

"Then what are you not telling me?" I asked, feeling like I was about to have an anxiety attack.

"You can't be mad at me." She said, guilt in her eyes. Shit.

"Just tell me and I'll do my best to understand." I definitely wanted to not be angry with her, whatever happened, but I felt like it was inevitable. But if she were willing to step forward and tell me herself like this, I had to at least consider that she had some respect for me and our friendship.

"Okay. When he got here, he insisted he wait for you, so I let him." She paused, hands shaking. "And we made small talk for a while before we got to talking about how you were doing, and I promise I didn't say one thing about how hard you took it. I told him you were doing fine. But." She stopped, getting upset. "Don't tell Bane, but he got weird, and his how attitude changed, and suddenly he'd told me he hadn't come to see you, that he actually came to see me. But it was weird because he was there for like an hour and a half already. And he started coming onto me and getting closer and he's so convincing, you know? He's so hard to reject. And he kissed me and I kind of kissed back for a while and I don't even know how that happened. But I swear to you, it didn't go further than that. I stopped and told him he had to leave. I'm so sorry Jamie, I never meant to hurt you. I wish I hadn't done it, I have no idea what came over me."

"Stop." I said, raising my hand to her to stop her endless babbling apology. "Look, I'm glad you told me." My heart was racing and I felt nauseated, but I had to keep my cool. "I think I just need to go to bed for now and let it sink in, okay? We'll talk when I'm ready."

"Please don't be mad." She begged.

"I need to think this through before I even start talking about this with you, okay?" I tried to be as calm and cool as I could, after all, I didn't want to lose her as my friend, but I couldn't help but feel angry and betrayed.

Liz agreed reluctantly and left, probably to sleep on the couch. I hated making her do that, but I felt an enormous amount of anger and resentment toward her, not to mention how angry I was at Noah for pulling that shit. I decided it would be best to give myself a while to mull it over instead of making rash decisions, I would definitely wait a few days to talk to her.

Things were uneasy at home with the incredible amount on tension and silence, so I busied myself with other things like work and strolling around town and shopping. With all the silence and time I had to myself, I found myself rationalizing the whole situation with Ville. I felt like I got over that little crush finally and back to my normal self, or as normal as I cold be with everything going on with Noah, that is, until I went to the damn grocery store.

I was picking out bananas for smoothies I intended to make later, for some reason I always drank smoothies when I was stressed out or upset. There were more bruised ones than not and I was having trouble finding a good bunch when suddenly a hand with a heavily tattooed arm reached around me and took the bunch from me. "Hey!" I said, turning around quickly.

"These are bruised as hell love." Ville said before returning the bunch back to the shelf I'd gotten them from.

"Hey you." I smiled, finally feeling a bit of release from all the stress and tension that had been all around me. "What's up?"

"Oh, trying not to starve to death this week. Figured I'd come grab some groceries. Same for you I assume?" He smiled a lot, he seemed to be in a good mood.

"Yes. Well, that and getting away form my roommates." I chuckled as if it weren't such a big deal, though the situation constantly had me reeling.

"Hm. Looks like you need a break from your normal life." He winked, referring to what I'd told him about getting a break from his rock star life last we met.

I threw up my hands in defeat then rubbed my temples. "Maybe I do." I admitted, thinking a night hanging out with Ville wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

"How about you come by my place later and I'll take you to the bar me and my friends are going to." I really liked the idea of that, although I had never been much of a drinker, I was excited to have a few drinks and let loose for a while.

"Sure." I smiled, happy to have a reason to smile. The last few days were such hell between the silence and the occasion times when Liz would try to talk to me. "What time? And what does one wear to something like this?" I felt silly for asking, but I figured it was better to ask than to come over or under dressed.

"7. And you wear whatever you want darling, but most women will be wearing skirts and tank tops and what not, but a sweater would be equally acceptable." I thought it was sweet that he wasn't just giving me a dress code, he really didn't seemed to care about appearances much, though the way he looked and presented himself said otherwise. He was somewhat of a simple man when it came to that, and it made me feel secure.

"Okay. You may have to remind me of your address." I felt dumb for forgetting it, but hell, I didn't have a perfect memory.

"I can text it to you if you don't mind, it's probably easier to keep that way." He chuckled. Although he looked calm and smooth, I could tell that a part of him was a bit nervous, which struck me as odd. Nonetheless, I handed him my phone so he could put his number in and he text himself so he had mine.

"Thanks." I smiled, blushing. I didn't necessarily intend to have his phone number at any point. "I'll see you at 7 then?"

"That's right." He winked at me and put a hand on my arm for a second before leaving me with my thoughts. I suddenly felt like this was a date, but I had to recognize that it was just two friends going to a bar. That's it. But the nervousness didn't subside, and it got 100 times worse when I pulled up to his driveway and laid eyes on him.