Beyond Redemption

Rehab wasn't what I expected it to be. I thought it would kind of be a waste. I figured I'd sober up, talk about my feelings in a circle of people, then go home where I was supposed to be a changed man. That wouldn't work for me.

Although some of those qualities existed in the facility, it wasn't as daunting as I thought it would be. When I walked in, I was greeted by a warm smile from a sweet old lady at the front desk. I checked in, feeling odd about it all. I was radiating shame, and I could feel those around me staring, as if they knew what I was feeling, silently mocking me for being where they once were.

I was shown to my room, which wasn't just 4 white walls and a cot. It had a king sized bed, soft, adorned with duvets that matched the curtains. The walls were a tan color to match the wood floor. I could see out to the ocean from my window and I automatically took comfort in this room.

There was no TV, no electronics, and they took my phone. I was completely shut off from the outside world, which made me panic a little. How was I going to keep up with the meetings and the financials and everything it took to be in a successful band? How was I going to deal with not creating music for a month, I would feel worthless, wouldn't I? What was I without music?

That was the question I needed to answer before I left. I needed to know who I was without the music, without the media, without the adoring fans, and without Jamie. I needed to rediscover myself in a way, and I could only hope sobriety could bring me my answers.

The first few days were the worst. I was very shaky all the time, I could barely eat or sleep. I hadn't realized what I'd done to my body over the last 6 months. I'd constantly dehydrated it, deprived it of any real nourishment, I'd lost weight. It just wasn't good at all, and I had a rough time accepting what I'd done. I was incredibly depressed, but often I got depression confused with hang overs. This was definitely both.

The depression was bad enough to where my doctor temporarily put me on some antidepressants until I could get myself together. I didn't go to meetings or therapy or anything for the first week. I just wanted to detox and get the hardest part over with alone. By the time I had finished the detox process, I came to realize why I ended hp in rehab to begin with. I kept trying to deal with things alone.

Loneliness and I had an interesting relationship. It was always hovering over me like a dark cloud, but I often welcomed it, only because it was familiar. I didn't really know how to live by someone's side, or confide in them, Jamie was my only success there, and this is where I ended up. It was a hard thing to accept, the trust issues I had. Bam, my best friend, tried to take my girlfriend from me, my wife got pregnant with another man's baby, my love betrayed me, and Mige was on her side. I felt like like there was no one in the world who I could trust and it left me empty.

My first two one on one therapy sessions mostly consisted of the therapist getting to know me in a way. We talked a lot about me living in Finland and what growing up was like and how my parents were and how I deal with being a singer and touring and pretty much anything that is basic knowledge about me. It was pretty easy, but I could tell she was trying to get me to dig deeper. She knew there was something I wasn't talking about, and she was trying very hard to figure it out. I played it very cool in front of her and everyone else really, I wanted to seem like i was handling this better than I was, but no one actually believed the front. It's not that easy for anyone.

On the third session, I sat in front of her on a soft couch. We were sitting in silence after we'd discussed that my only apparent reason for substance abuse was because of the stress of HIM. She stared me down for a moment, trying to figure me out, and it was only a matter of time before she would have figured it out anyway. "What's her name?" She finally said, and by the satisfied look on her face, my expression must have given away that she had hit it on the head.

"Well shit, okay." I shifted in my seat, getting uncomfortable. I didn't really talk about this, not to any lengthy or in depth extent. No one was brave enough to ask and I wasn't brave enough to bring it up. "Her name uh, it doesn't matter." I shrugged, not so ready to start this.

"Of course it does. What is it? That's the easiest part of this, unfortunately. It'll only get harder from here, Ville. And things can't get easier until they get harder." She was a little different with me than I'd noticed her being with others in group meetings. She was a little more forceful, a little more straight and to the point, and she obviously wasn't taking my bullshit act. She really did know how to deal with me.

"Okay. Her name was, uh is, uh.." I stammered, slipping over my own words which was unnatural for me. "Jamie." It hurt to say, just like I anticipated. It felt the way you feel when you see an old friend after years of being apart. It felt good, familiar, but at the same time it stung.

"Good." She scribbled something down and went on. "So how did you meet Jamie?"

I thought for a moment before deciding to give her a brief summary. I felt really uncomfortable, but that was kind of her job to make me feel that way. I wouldn't get anywhere if I was just comfortable the whole time. "I came to America to work and I met her at the flower shop she worked at."

"What were you doing at the flower shop?" She made eye contact with me when she asked me questions and it made me feel odd, so I tried to just pretend like this was an interview to make this feel more familiar and natural.

"I was getting apology flowers for Jonna, who was my wife at the time." I found short answers were working thus far.

"You're divorced now?"

"Yeah. The night I gave her the flowers was the last night I saw her before she went back to Helsinki and eventually divorced me." I had an easy time talking about Jonna and I could tell that Dr. Wesley knew, and became uninterested in Jonna for that reason. It wasn't the deep seeded reason for this and she knew it.

"Okay." She scribbled again before asking "So you knew Jamie while you were married, is she the one who helped you through your divorce?"

"I didn't really go to anyone for the divorce. I mean, I went to her, she helped me more than anyone, but it wasn't really something I talked about a lot. I kind of saw it coming, and I just felt like a failure as a husband, but she helped me realize that the relationship wasn't what it should have been, and that love wasn't supposed to feel that way." Shit. I hadn't meant for a longer answer, but out it came somehow.

"And when did you start to notice you had feelings for her?" I hadn't had anyone ever ask questions like this. It really made me think.

"Well, I guess I could see how beautiful she was day one. So there was always an attraction. But I guess the romantic feelings were pretty gradual. We spent a lot of time together after our first few meetings. I just noticed things I liked about her that I wished Jonna had been." I shrugged, not even knowing of a time that I didn't like her.

"When did you know you loved her?" It must have been obvious that I was in love with her because I hadn't mentioned that yet.

"Oh. I guess I needed some help figuring that one out. I was mad at her, the reason doesn't matter, but I was mad and she called me and I agreed to talk to her about it. I hadn't talked to her in a few days, I guess I really missed her. But something my friend, Mige said just kind of shed light on it and that realization of love just punched me in the stomach. I didn't tell her for a long time though. I wanted to wait until I knew she felt the same." I remembered the moment I'd realized it. I remembered it very well, and I wished to be back in that position, even though I was hating where I was then.

"What was your relationship with her like? Did you fight a lot or was it pretty easy for you?" She was already scribbling though I couldn't imagine what she was writing.

"Very easy. We were separated for a while, which was hard, but she made it really stress free for me. She wasn't heckling me about the cheating I wasn't doing or how often I got too busy to talk or when I forgot to call. She was very understanding of it, and I haven't met anyone that could handle my lifestyle." I was starting to wonder again if this whole thing was worth the break up. Maybe I shouldn't have broken up with her. I should have been more understanding I should have-

"So why did it end?"

The dreaded question. "I got a message from some number with pictures of her having sex with her ex."

"That seems a little out of character from the girl you described." That was what I had been thinking this whole time. It just wasn't like her.

"I know. That's why I just don't understand. I guess she was really drunk, she doesn't remember it. But that's no excuse, right? I can't let someone do that to me all the time and have it be okay. It still hurts. I made the right decision in leaving her, didn't I? I mean, wasn't I supposed to finally be standing up for myself because I hadn't done that with Jonna?" I was looking for any kind of validation that I did the right thing.

She took off her glasses, set her clipboard aside, and leaned forward in her chair. "Look, I'm going to tell you right now that people make mistakes, awful ones, unintentional ones even. And it was good, that you stood up for yourself, you should always stand up for yourself, but this is where exceptions come in. You make exceptions for people you love, and I've gotten to know you a little more today Ville, and you very obviously have an issue with talking about you feel. Maybe that's something you should work on. Maybe if you had opened up to her after you gathered your thoughts, talked to her about what this meant for you and your trust, maybe you could have talked through it and began to rebuild the trust that was lost. You just need to find out if giving up on the love you feel was worth what you've been going through. You can stand up for yourself without writing people off. You can have both sometimes."

"You think I made a mistake, don't you?" I was filled with hopelessness and dread. I fucking knew it.

"I think you need to figure out if it was a mistake or not for yourself instead of thinking abut the opinions of everyone else. I think you need to consider talking to her. If nothing else, I can see you need closure. You won't move on from this until you've gotten closure." She was right.

"I guess so." I didn't want to talk to Jamie, the idea made me feel sick. I didn't want to hear her voice, I was too afraid of how it would make me feel.

"I know break ups are hard, especially when you're truly in love with someone. Take some time to think about this first, but I really think it would do you some good to talk to her at some point after you leave here. It might hurt, and you're probably not going to like how it feels, especially if she doesn't respond the way you want or expect her to, but in the long run, I think you'll be glad you did. No matter the outcome." This woman really did care for her patients. She had my best interest at heart, I knew that, but it felt like an attack at the time. I was in a frenzied panic when I left her office.

The next day we had a group session. I was still a little shaken up and worried about the things I'd talked about with Dr. Wesley. I was mostly afraid that she was right and that I should have just talked to her. "Good morning everyone. Today I'd like to talk about withdrawal. Now, I know a lot of you are feeling it at this point, and its a good thing! It means you're recovering. And every single day that goes by that you feel like this, is one day closer to the day you get to walk out of here, clean, sober, and with a clear mind." The man sitting at the "head" or the circle then paired everyone off into small groups, letting people talk about things in a more personal and intimate way.

I sat with 2 other men, one thinner than me, his hand violently shaking. I could tell he had done some hard drugs by his sunken in features and shakiness. The other man was a brute, I'd seen him around but never really heard him talk much. I didn't know anything about him other than he abused alcohol the same way I had. "So what got you here?" The thinner man, who I found was named Brady asked.

"The mix of alcohol and a broken heart I guess." I shrugged, then looked over to the other man, Curtis, to answer.

"Same." I was surprised to hear that.

"Can I ask what happened?" I asked, wondering if maybe I could connect with him.

"My wife cheated on me with my brother." He was a very simple and cold man on the outside, but obviously this had really hurt him if it got him here. "You?"

"Same, kind of. My girlfriend got hammered and cheated with her ex." I felt weird talking about this with such an emotionless person.

"It's a rough world out there. Women just don't care man." He shook his head. "But somehow, you don't stop loving 'em, do ya?"

"I guess not." I looked down, feeling confused and conflicted. "Have you thought about talking to her?"

"Yeah. A lot. I'm going to call her the minute I get out of here." He nodded, confident.

"Are you going to forgive her?" I asked, hoping that maybe if he could forgive her, I could forgive Jamie.

"Fuck no! That bitch just gave birth to my nephew! Now my kinds have a brother cousin! The only thing she's getting is divorce papers!" My eyes widened and I suddenly felt very awkward and uncomfortable. Although, it was hard not to laugh at the term "brother cousin."

"So what about you?" I asked, turning to Bradly.

"I was raped as a kid. Big man. Not good. Couldn't deal with the images in my head all these years." He rocked back and forth looking nervous.

"Oh shit. Sorry man. Did he get charged?" I hoped so. I knew it was a lot harder for a guy to get charged with raping another guy.

"No. I didn't tell anyone until I was like 13. But it was too late. No one believed me anyway." I felt really bad for him.

"Wow. Well how are you dealing with that now that you're sobering up?" I asked, interested. His problems made me feel like mine were really lame, he probably would have loved to deal with this instead of the sexual abuse.

"It's not easy. I have nightmares, I feel like he's still watching me, still waiting for me to be alone for just a second. It's a living hell, but I've got to get this shit taken care of. I have a baby waiting for me at home." I couldn't believe his journey, he had so far to go, but hopefully the worst was over.

"How old?" I asked.

"3. Well about 28 years to her." I was confused.

"Uh, what?" I said, wondering what the fuck he was going on about.

"Her name is Snowball. She's the best cat in the world." Wow.

I wanted to leave so bad. I felt like this mini group session was a bad idea. These guys were crazy. Sure, they had sad stories, but it was really hard to take them seriously after talking to them. the phrase "what the fuck" when through my mind about 30 more times before group was over.

My whole journey at rehab was pretty much either incredibly eye opening or a "what the fuck" moment. I found the most eye opening moments in my sessions with Dr. Wesley and when I was alone in my room going over everything. The weird moments were the ones spent in group or when everyone ate or really any time I was around too many people.

I didn't really make friends while I was there. I met quite a few people and heard a lot of incredible stories, but it was hard to weave out the good from the odd. There were so many strange stories that I just couldn't fathom, so I liked to keep to myself.

I'd made a lot of changes before I left. First one being to stay sober. Smoking was going to be about the only thing I wanted to do for a while, until I felt like I could drink socially without getting out of hand. The second thing was trusting people. I realized that people make mistakes, and sometimes it did make me lose my trust for them, but I had to work to regain that trust from those people, and I could only do that by talking to them instead or ignoring it and writing them off as I often did. The third thing was to come to an inner peace within myself, which included doing what was best for me. I wouldn't do things because I felt I had to anymore, I wouldn't do things I didn't want to do just to please others anymore, and I would start standing up for myself, but also choose my battles. I didn't want another Jamie thing to happen, so I would only stand up if I really needed to, and maybe after thinking through the consequences first. And last, I would have to forgive the situation that put me there. I would have to talk to Jamie somehow and get some kind of closure. I couldn't keep living with this heavy on my heart. I had to confront her, even if it ended in another heartbreak. I would handle it better this time.

When I finally walked out of those doors after my 28 days was up, I felt relieved, revived, new. Everything felt so different. The way the summer sun hit my face, the way it felt for the soft, ocean breeze to blow through my hair, even the warmth of the sidewalk under me feet that I could feel through my shoes felt amazing. It was good to be sober, or clear mind, and present. I finally felt like I could breathe again and handle life.

I took a taxi to my hotel room that Mige booked, but not before going and getting a hair cut. My appearance had changed do much in just those 28 days, my face looked a little more filled out, healthy, my skin was clear and I actually looked clean. I just needed to trim up the mess that was on my head and I would feel like myself again. And I really did feel like me again. I felt like I had been through hell and back, and like this time, I could be back for good. I could deal with things now, and I hoped I was right about it, because it was time to go back home. It was time to get back to the life I'd left a month prior. It was time to get my closure.