Beyond Redemption

I had to take some time to let Bam's confession sink in. I was in shock. I hadn't noticed any common signs of sexual abuse like soreness or bruising. Then again, I hadn't noticed much at that time either, I was too enthralled in my drama with Ville to even think about anything else, not to mention I hadn't even suspected rape.

I just felt strange. I was okay, thankfully I had no memory of it, so I didn't have the images of the abuse in my head, and I was grateful as I knew others hadn't been so lucky. It was really confusing for me, because I didn't feel sad like I thought I should, I just felt angry at the betrayal. These were all people I once called friends, people I loved, and this is what they did to me, all because of Bam's guilty conscience. I suffered a lost the love of my life so Bam could sleep at night. It was disgusting. Not to mention how petty this was for Liz, and god.. Noah. I couldn't even imagine a reason he'd do that to me. He cheated on me, what reason did he have to be vengeful? Unless this was just nothing more than a sick act spur the moment, which was very possible. He was usually pretty simple minded, not everyone needed a reason to do bad things.

I hadn't talked to Mige about any of this, and I probably would have waited longer had I not gotten a phone call form him. "Hey." I answered, already feeling guilty for leaving him out of the loop.

"Hey. I haven't heard from you in days. What's going on? Did the thing with Bam work? Did you do it?" He seemed a little antsy.

"Yeah. It did. But he was right. The truth is so ugly. I'm wondering if it was even worth it." I hung my head, feeling like crying for some reason.

"What did he tell you?" He asked, sounding concerned.

"Long story short, he teamed up with Liz and Noah, drugged me, then took me back home where Noah decided to.. Well.." I had a hard time saying it as I was still trying to believe it myself.

"Wait he didn't.." He sounded like he was at a loss for words, and honestly I was glad. I didn't want to hear it said, and I didn't want an apology, even though that was inevitable. "I'm so sorry, I really didn't see that coming. Why the hell would they do this to you?"

"He told me that it's not about me, and he's right. None of this had anything to do with me on a personal level. Mige, Bam is the one who got Jonna pregnant. He wanted us apart so he could force him back into Jonna's arms so he could feel less guilty for being the reason she filed for divorce." I explained with an anger I knew I hadn't been dealing with.

"Are you fucking kidding me? I can't even believe this! I knew he could be a dick but I never thought he'd go this far. This is insane." I hadn't even ever heard him use an agitated voice, much less this infuriated one. "What can I do to help?"

"For now, there's nothing we can do. We need to wait until Ville gets out of rehab. We need to tell him, gently. I don't want to freak him out with all of this. Maybe he can stay with you or something for a few days so he can adjust to being sober outside of the facility. I really think him being alone is a bad idea." I knew how terribly he handled loneliness, especially if we intended to drop this bomb on him.

"That's a good idea. But how do we tell him? When?" I hated the sadness in his voice, he was dreading telling him.

"There can't be a 'we' in that. Mige, you have to. He won't talk to me, let alone believe me." I hated that things were still like this, and honestly I never thought that more than 6 months down the road from all of this, I would still be missing him, worrying about him, trying to do what I could to care for him.

"Okay. I'll do my best. I'll try to think of how to break it to him. But I'm going to warn you, it won't be easy. I don't know how he's going to handle things now that he's going to be sober again."

"I know. Just be gentle, and don't tell him until you think he'll be okay to hear it." I felt like he would be so fragile and easily broken, but I had to remember how strong he could be when he wanted to be. I had to remember that he was smart and careful, that after everything he was about to go through would make him stronger.

"Of course." He said. Shortly after we hung up and I felt a little relieved that I no longer had to deal with any of this until Ville was better and could be involved. As much as I wanted to leave him out of it to shelter his feelings, to push him far away from any drama revolving around us, I had to acknowledge and accept the fact that this also had a lot to do with him and it wasn't something to leave him in the dark about. He had a right to be up to speed on this.

As the weeks went on, I could feel myself getting more and more anxious for the day Mige would talk to Ville, and it was killing me not knowing if he would walk out of that place never wanting to talk to me again or not. I just wanted one last conversation. Just one.

It was hard, knowing where he was, knowing he was feeling shitty and probably miserable around all of these people he didn't know. He was a solitary man a lot of the time, he liked his privacy, and opening up the way I knew they'd make him, admitting things to people that he wouldn't even admit to himself, it would be hard on him. But I had to constantly remind myself that he needed this, desperately. This was the only way he'd get better.

4 days before Ville's release, I happened to run into Liz as I left work. She was walking down the street as I approached my car, and an insatiable urge punch her washed over me. I was pissed just looking at her vile, disgusting face. "Hey." I said, stopping her.

"Jamie, heard about the break up. Must be tough on you." She giggled. I couldn't believe how cruel she could be.

"Liz, heard about the drugging and raping plan you all followed through with. Must be great for you." I shot back, beyond pissed.

Her face went cold and she looked like she might fall over dead. "You don't know shit."

"Don't I? Because your boy let me in on it. Rule number one about telling Bam a secret is to not tell Bam a secret." I crossed my arms, in fear I may lose control of my fists.

"Prove it." She laughed, knowing I couldn't get her in any trouble.

"It might be too late for me to get you arrested, but I can make your life hell so fucking easy. Do not test me bitch. I'm done with your games, I'm done with your petty revenge on me for whatever the hell you think I did. I'm over it! Grow the fuck up." I turned form her, but quickly spun back around. "By the way, you're lucky Bane is too blind to see you for who you really are. He's too good for you. Don't you ever hurt him again. I will find you and I will wreck you." I got in my car before she could reply and sped off, feeling slightly relieved. It felt good to call her out.

The day finally came to where Ville would be released, and honestly I felt more connected to him and close to him than I had since the break up 7 months before. I felt like I actually had the chance to talk with him, maybe patch things up. Even if we couldn't be together, maybe we could be friends, or at least not be enemies anymore. Closure would have been more than enough for me, although I couldn't help but want more.

I waited a full 48 hours before calling Mige to check on how things were going. I wanted to try to give him enough time to figure out how Ville was really doing. "How is he?" I asked as he barely muttered out a greeting.

"Hi to you too." He laughed. "He looks great. He says he feels better, and honestly I haven't seen him more at peace with himself since you left in January."

"I'm glad." I felt relieved for him, that he was finally feeling okay.

"He seems a little quiet though, not like his normal, happy self. He's still dealing with a lot, you know." He said, trying to get me to understand without really saying it, although he figured it wasn't working very well. "He's still really depressed. Nothing has changed but his coping methods. He has to think about it all now, for the first time. It's like a fresh wound to him. But I think he needs to know what's going on."

I was surprised at this decision, especially since he seemed kind of fragile still. "Are you sure that's a good idea? It's going to make him feel worse."

"Yeah, but it's worse to wait until he's finally feeling better and then lay that one on him. I think he needs to know so he can deal with it in it's entirety, not just what he thinks is going on."

"He's your friend, you do whatever you think is best for him. Just let me know how it goes."

"I will. See ya." We hung up and I felt scared. I didn't want to make things harder..

The days slowly crawled by, it was like watching the clock when you really wanted to leave work. It was agonizing, like the world was just doing this to laugh at me. I felt miserable and anxious and I just wanted this to be over with. I felt like I hadn't thought about Ville in this much depth in months, I was so enthralled with him that I couldn't even focus on anything else. I felt like a walking corpse. People talked to me, but I didn't really listen, and I dealt with my day to day work, but I wasn't paying much attention. I was just too distracted to keep up the charade of being normal.

I went home from work early, deciding that sitting on the couch with a tub of ice cream would make me feel better, and it did to an extent. My mind was temporarily eased, and I could focus on something other than my ex boyfriend. God.. For some reason that was still a hard thing for me to call Ville. My ex boyfriend. I knew why, but it hurt to admit. I just knew he was the one I needed to spend my life with, it was a shame we ended, because what we had was beautiful and could never be matched, I would never, ever, feel that way about someone again. I knew all relationships after him would be mediocre, only comparisons of what I had and disappointments because no one could be what he was to me. It was a blessing and curse. The blessing was from getting to know something like him, having him in my life. I got to feel what real love was, I got to know what it was like to find the one you knew was meant for you, but the curse was that I'd lost him. I'd lost him and it wasn't even my fault, and he had no idea.

This was why I wanted one last conversation with him. I wanted to clear my name, and maybe even a small part of me felt like that if my name was clear, he'd forgive me and want me again. But that dream was nothing more than what it was, a dream. It wasn't really feasible, after 7 months of anger and hatred and self destructing, you don't just get over it because of a few words. He would need time and space, and that was if he even considered having a life with me. Maybe he really had intended to move on.

In any case, I would do my best to be strong, because I wasn't prepared to get my heart broken a second time. Not by him. I could handle anyone in the world to hurt me, but if Ville broke my heart again, I didn't think it was something I'd handle well. I didn't know if he was going to forgive me or eternally hate me, but my answer came a bit faster than I anticipated..