Beyond Redemption

"Right on time!" I said as the black haired beauty stepped out of her car. She wore a black skirt with a grey tank top and a matching sweater hung over her. I assumed she was trying to like nice but casual at the same time. I thought she looked lovely but saying that wasn't an option.

"Hey." Her warm smile lit up the night and I caught myself staring.

"Get in." I half stuttered, though somehow managed to play it off cool. She was kind of quiet, I could sense her jitters about going to a bar, obviously she hadn't been to too many of them in her past.

When we got to the bar, we met up with Linde and Mige, apparently the others ended up at a strip club downtown. We sat down next to them at the bar and I ordered drinks for us both. "Ville! Kuinka voit?" Linde asked over the loud music.
For a moment I'd forgotten I'd brought an English speaker, as most of the people I talked to spoke Finnish as well. "Hienoa! Valmista juotavaksi. Missä on Bam? Luulin, että hän piti tavata täällä." I had just been asking where Bam was as I'd thought he was supposed to meet us.

"Hän meni strippiklubi Burton . En tiedä, jos hän tulee takaisin vai ei. Kuka on ystäväsi?" Strip club. Of course that's where Bam was. But I hadn't remembered that Jamie had no idea what we were saying until Linde asked about her.

"Oh, sorry, this is Jamie." I felt bad for making her feel awkward, as I'm sure she did. "Jamie this is Linde and Mige, they're band mates."

"Hi." She said, just loud enough for them to hear. The music was loud as it was a Friday night, so they had the floor open for dancing which was packed every weekend.

"Greetings! Sorry about that, didn't realize you didn't understand!" She shook their hands, and I could see on their faces what they were thinking of her and it almost made me sick for some reason.

"That's okay." She smiled sweetly. I was starting to feel like nothing could upset this girl.

Our drinks came and I handed one to Jamie, which she thanked me for and sipped on. She bobbed around with the music that was playing and I wondered if she was much of a dancer. I wasn't particularly the most fond of it, but I didn't necessarily mind either. "Would you want to dance with me love?"

"Me? Oh, I'm not a very good dancer." She said, a little worried. I could see she wanted to but something was stopping her, likely her insecurities.

"Neither am I." I laughed, being honest. I took her hand and lead her to the floor. We each held our drinks in a hand while we danced, making sure to not spill them. I kept a hand on her side, even though I probably shouldn't have. She placed her hand on my arm and kept to the beat of the music. I could feel a few people staring at me, probably aware of who I was, though I hadn't yet spotted anyone taking pictures.

We found ourselves laughing and getting closer to each other as time went on. There were even times we would almost stop dancing completely and just joke around, though we never got any further away from each other. I'd realized by this point that I'd started to like her, that something in side was really growing and it was real, it wasn't some crush that would fade away in a few weeks. I wasn't sure what made me so positive that this was real, maybe it was just something inside me screaming for this, but I was absolutely sure and it was starting to scare me. I was still married and this would only make things worse. And as conscious of it as I was, I still didn't pull away from Jamie. I still laughed and danced and drank with her without the hesitation that a husband should have while in this situation. I knew guilt would set in the moment I left her, so I decided to just enjoy the time I had.

We were both starting to feel a little drunk our on the dance floor and we were having a great time until she suddenly stopped dead in her tracks and a serious face clouded her happy one. "What is it darling?" I asked, following her gaze. She was looking at a man, a bit shorter than me but built with muscle, blond, kind of the generic "stud." "Do you know that man?"

"That's Noah." She said, though I could her a sorrow in her voice just saying his name. She had heartbreak written all over her face and it actually made me a bit angry, though I kept my composure. "He's my ex. We broke up about 7 months ago because I caught him cheating on me, and I guess he came to my apartment and kissed my best friend. It's kind of an awkward thing." She looked away form him for a moment, but couldn't help herself but to glance back.

"He sounds like a dick." I said, even though she probably already knew that.

"I guess he is. But he was the only person I ever had a real relationship with. It's just kind of shitty." Her eyes looked sad and her face looked hurt, I couldn't imagine being that guy and betraying this girl. She was so sweet and pretty and smart, what reason would anyone have to want more?

"Don't look at him, love, look at me." I turned her face toward me, feeling her cheeks suddenly become hotter than they already were from the alcohol. She looked surprised, like she wasn't sure what to do. "Don't give him the satisfaction of ruining your night."

"It might be too late for that." She said as he approached her. She tensed up and seemed to panic a little.

"Jamie, what are you doing here?" Noah asked, eyeing me.

"Drinking and dancing like everyone else." She answered, though he was short and sounded angry with him.

"So is this why you haven't been around when I try to come see you? New boyfriend?" He looked pissed off but a part of me new he was all talk. He may have been a muscle head, but he wouldn't do shit, not in public anyway.

"Noah it's really none of your business what I'm doing." She answered, though I could see she really didn't know how to answer that. I understood, she didn't want to be painted as a "slut" for dancing with a man she wasn't dating, or a failure or stuck on him because she hadn't been seeing anyone since she left him.

"Well I think I deserve an explanation. You never went to bars with me, why now? Can't find anyone as good as me?" His comments were mean but I could tell a lot of it was because she was drunk. In any case, he was being rude and it was pissing me off a bit, which was hard to do.

"Noah, I don't want anyone like you ever again. I don't respect men who cheat on their girlfriends, or men that kiss their ex's best friend." The look on his face suggested he was just finding out that she was aware.

"How did I know that Liz can't keep a secret?" He laughed, arrogant as hell. "Jealous?"

"No, I'm not. I have no reason to be." I wanted to butt in and tell him to back off, but Jamie wasn't my girlfriend and this was none of my business. I decided I'd let her control the situation unless it got out of hand. "I don't miss you for a reason."

"Oh, and let me guess, that reason is this guy?" He choked on laughter, as if I were some kind of down grade.

"The reason is that you're an asshole and I don't want you in my life. And you'd say that about anyone you would have seen me with, so don't act like it's personal." She was getting angry, which was super strange to see. I couldn't have imagined her angry but at that point I knew I never wanted to piss her off.

"I just think it's funny how you can go from me to a nobody with toothpicks for arms!" He rolled in his own laughter, and as if on cue, a group of a few people, probably in their early 20's walked up to me with cd's in their hands that just so happened to have my face on the covers.

"Hi! Sorry to interrupt your night, we were just wondering if you'd sign these for us?" A smaller girl asked, holding out a cd and a sharpie.

"Of course, your name?" I asked so I could write her out a custom thank you. These people were like angels, laughing in the face of a foolish, arrogant man. I signed the rest of the copies and took a group picture with them before they scurried off, excited to show off the signed cd's.

"You were saying?" Jamie chuckled, just as shocked as I was that something like that happened at such a perfect time.

"And who the hell are you supposed to be?" He asked me, looking even angrier now that he'd found I wasn't exactly a "nobody."

"Ville Valo, I sing for a band called HIM." I stuck my hand out to shake, playing the polite card as I normally did when I didn't like someone. Confrontation wasn't my favorite thing and I liked to avoid it.

"Never heard of it. Must not be too important." He shrugged me off and turned back to Jamie. "Have fun with your gay, little border hopping boyfriend."

"Tell you what." I started, grabbing his attention once more. I grabbed Jamie by the waist and held her as close as possible, giving off the absolute wrong message. "She'll be having more fun with me tonight than she did the whole time she was with you." I winked, probably pissing him off more and guided Jamie out the front door.

"Oh my god." She said, holding back laughter, cheeks burning red as if she'd been out in the sun all day.

"Sorry to be forward darling, but he was asking for it." I let her go and lit a cigarette, enjoying the shock on her face.

"I can't believe you did that!" She held her hands over her mouth, still not trying to laugh, though failing miserably.

"Well he shouldn't be such a jätkä." I laughed, though she didn't have much of a clue as to what I said.

"What's that?" She asked, still amused.

"Could mean a few things. Bloke, bastard, son of a bitch, choice is yours." I leaned up against the wall, honestly a bit proud of myself, I wasn't sure I had the guts to stand up to someone who could probably crush me.

"jätkä." She repeated, "I'll have to remember that one." She leaned up against the wall next to me and looked me in the eyes which gleamed with relief and sincerity. "Thanks Ville."

"Anytime sweetheart." I noticed she got a little embarrassed when I called her things like that, hopefully she would have told me if she wasn't comfortable with it.

"So what do we do now? Do you want to go back in or go home or.. ?" She trailed off. A part of me thought she was implying we go somewhere alone, and I didn't want to ask her to if she didn't actually mean that. She knew I was married and I really didn't want her to feel uncomfortable, especially if she had no romantic feelings for me to begin with. It was a tough situation to be in, because even thinking things like that, wondering if she had feelings for me or if she would ever consider being more than a friend, was absolutely wrong and unfair to Jonna. Although I had my doubts about her loyalty to our marriage, it was still unfair to assume the worst. Even if we hadn't talked in almost a month.

"Let's get something to eat, wouldn't want you hungover in the morning." I lead her back to my car and took her to an iHop, as not much else was open so late anyway.

When we got to the restaurant, we sat down and ordered our food. I was honestly starving and still a little drunk as I was sure Jamie was too. I realized she might have been a bit more intoxicated than I was when she started asking about Jonna. It wasn't like her to just ask about things so sensitive, but she didn't seem to have an issue with it then. "So have you spoken to your wife?"

" Um, no, I haven't." I didn't mind answering her questions, but I had been trying not to think about it all since she left.

"I don't know how she could just leave and not try to talk to you." She said, a small slurr added so a few words. I would never have noticed it if I hadn't already known she was drinking. "We're only friends and I even find myself wanting to talk to you."

"Oh really?" I was interested in her apparent honesty, though I knew she'd be embarrassed about this whole conversation later. I tried not to pressure her into talking about this more.

"Yeah. I was really excited to hang out tonight too. Nervous as hell though." She talked with her hands, not really looking at me. These must have been thoughts she hadn't ever intended to tell me.

"Why nervous?" I asked, though I shouldn't have.

"Well look at you." She laughed, as if I were stupid. "But oh my god don't even listen to me right now, okay? I'm not totally sober."

"Alright love." I found myself smiling but I didn't think it was right for me to be. I should have just taken her home, hell, I shouldn't have asked her to go out with me to begin with. She was kind of addicting, in a way. I caught myself asking her to be with me without even thinking, I wanted her company but I shouldn't have been able to have it, not with a wedding band on my finger.

"Say something in Finnish." She seemed very interested when I had spoken in Finnish earlier, it was probably a language most Americans weren't used to hearing, and I couldn't tell her no.

"What should I say?" I asked, feeling kind of on the spot now.

"Anything. Just talk, I think it's interesting." She rested her head on her hand and waited for me to speak.

"Okay, well, let's see." I thought for a moment, then said "Näytät ihan tänä iltana."

"Translate?" She giggled.

"It means you look wonderful tonight." She did. Friends compliment each other, don't they?

"Oh!" She blushed as she often did, and sat up straight again. "Thanks."

Our food came and we started eating, though I felt like I was just shoveling food into my mouth. My stomach had been growling for some time. Relief washed over me as it did for Jamie, I had a feeling she'd be pretty tired after our late dinner.

Through our meal we laughed far more than was publicly appropriate, she was very blunt and sarcastic. I liked a woman that could make me laugh, and she was definitely doing a good job. But the more the night went on, the more it started to feel like a date, and it was probably the best first date I'd ever been on, if you could call it that. I hated fight these feelings inside, between this growing romance and the tension of my relationship with Jonna, I was torn. Cheating wasn't okay, I wasn't a cheater, but I had a feeling I'd be very tempted with the girl sitting in front of me.

By the time we left, Jamie already looked pretty tired. I drove back to my house where Jamie's car was, but she was fast asleep in the passenger's seat when we pulled up to the driveway. "Jamie, hey." I called to her quietly while rubbing her arm. "Jamie, it's time to wake up love."

"I'm uh-" She dropped off her sentence and it landed somewhere between "I'm up" and "I'm tired." I felt bad for getting her drunk, I hadn't realized she was, first of all, a lightweight, and second, that it hit hard quite a while after she drank. I took a mental note to make her drink slower next time.

"You're not well to drive yourself home. Would you like me to drive you?" I tried getting an answer out of her but all I got were mumbles that I couldn't understand. "Would you like to stay here tonight?" I offered, not totally sure how to even drive her back to her place. I couldn't remember how to get there, I only remembered as far as The Bloom Room.

I got a half nod from her and took it as consent. I went to her side of the car and picked her up. I shut the door behind me and took on the task of opening the front door and getting in. After a few moments of trying I finally prevailed and took her inside. I decided making her sleep on the couch wasn't the nicest thing to do, especially since the couches were leather and not too comfortable to sleep on over night. Instead, I set her down on my bed, adorned in purple and black damask comforters, sheets, and pillows. I took her shoes and sweater off her and set them on the dresser so she'd see them when she woke up. I slid her up onto a pillow in the middle of the bed and draped the covers over her as she snuggled in.

I sat on the bed for a few minutes, taking the time to think about what the hell was going on. I had a beautiful woman on the bed I'd originally bought for my wife and I. As terrible as it was, it felt right. Feelings came over me that I had no control over, followed by confusion of course. How could I have never felt this way when I first met Jonna? Everything with Jonna suddenly seemed so mediocre compared to things with Jamie. The craziness of it all was that we didn't really know each other that well, some part of me even believed our souls were drawn to each other in a way I would never understand, whether it be on a romantic or friendly level.

I pushed her hair from her face then got up and left the room, though not before noticing how soft her pale skin was. I laid down on the couch, trying to push away all thoughts of Jamie from my mind, pushing away the guilt I felt for not being 100% emotionally devoted to my wife. Or ex-wife. I wasn't even sure anymore and I was tired of being ignored and strung along. I came to a point as to where I needed to know if we were going to get divorced or not, but it hadn't even hit me until that moment that it wasn't just up to Jonna. I wasn't happy anymore either, and it dated farther back than when I'd met Jamie. We hadn't been happy for a whole lot of our marriage. And who said it was her who got to decide if we stayed together or not? Why couldn't I decide?

I fell asleep sometime while I was over thinking my whole life, but I had come to learn a few things as well. First off, that this decision would affect my future too and I had a say in it. Second, I wasn't happy in the spot I'd been in since shortly after our wedding and I needed to be happy again. And third, I never wanted to wonder "What if?" "What if I had left Jonna?" "What if I'd gotten into a relationship with Jamie?" "What if I left Jonna and some other woman came along that I wanted more than Jamie?" And there it was. My answer was in the question. a woman I wanted more than Jamie. I should have said "a woman more than Jonna." I was apparently having very real feelings for a girl I'd just met and honestly, it scared the hell out of me.