Beyond Redemption

I stirred awake to the sound of chirping birds and the smell of sizzling bacon. I thought I'd died and gone to Heaven! I kept my eyes closed for a little while, taking the time to just enjoy the moment I was in, but then I had to wonder where the hell I was, as this bed was far to big and soft to be my own, not to mention it had the strong smell of a man, and a familiar one at that. Cigarettes, body spray, and sweaty concert venue? Definitely Ville.

I opened my eyes and looked around the room, automatically knowing it was Ville's just by the decor. I quickly started remembering the events of the night before and had to rub my temples to fight off a headache. The first thing I thought of was the horrible conversation we had at iHop, I'd pretty much told him that Jonna was stupid and he was gorgeous. What the fuck was wrong with me? I took a mental note to never drink in front of him ever again. I also remembered him trying to get me to get out of the car. I hadn't remembered the whole thing, But I was somehow aware that I wasn't going to be going home. Thank goodness he didn't try to drive me home, that wouldn't have been a fun thing to explain to my roommates.

I looked at the clock that read 10:05. Lucky for me The Bloom Room didn't open until noon on Saturdays. I found my shoes and sweater on the dresser and slipped them on, then found a bathroom to clean myself up in. I made sure I looked presentable then headed down the stairs to the kitchen where the amazing breakfast smell came from.

"Good morning love!" Ville greeted me while putting a pancake, two eggs, and some bacon on a plate. He sat it in front of the chair I'd approached and encouraged me to sit and eat.

"Well good morning." I said, surprised to see all this.

"Sorry if waking up here was odd for you, I did try to ask your permission first." He looked a bit worried, like I'd be angry or something, but actually I thought it was sweet of him.

"No, thank you, really. I wasn't in any condition to drive home." I shrugged, sitting down and starting to eat.

Ville got his own plate together and sat in front of me. It was strange, it was felt like we were some couple that had been together forever just having breakfast together, and I knew it wasn't okay for me to think that way, but it was difficult not to have feelings like that for him. He was an incredibly kind and gentle man, and he was sensitive in a way, very aware of his own emotions, he didn't just push them away like most men, and I could especially see it in his music. "So what are your plans today?" He asked, making this seem even more like the aforementioned scene in my head.

"Working at noon." I shrugged, not really feeling like working. "By the way, I should apologize for last night. It got out of hand, especially that awful conversation at iHop, I am so sorry!"

A smile crept along his face as he sat back in his chair. "It's quite alright. Don't worry about it."

I felt like he had a secret, like there was something he wasn't telling me about that conversation, but I couldn't imagine what, it wasn't like I didn't remember it. "Thanks for breakfast." I smiled, thanking a higher power for the kindness of this man.

As we finished up eating, I decided it was time for me to go so I had time to get ready for work. As I left, I thanked Ville again for letting me use his bed and eat his food. "No problem darling." Was all he said about it. I could tell he didn't want a whole lot of gratitude thrown his way, but the reason as to why was unclear.

"Well, you have my number. Let me know if you want to hang out again sometime." I said, feeling a little confident.

"I'll do that." He winked, sending shivers down my spine. "Hyvästi!"

"Does that mean goodbye?" I asked, opening my car door. I couldn't imagine what else it would mean, considering the context.

"Juu." He nodded, smiling at me proud.

"Are you trying to teach me Finnish Mr. Valo?" I laughed, mocking him.

"It wouldn't hurt for you to know a few words." He leaned up against the door frame and I suddenly never wanted to leave.

"Like jätkä?" I remembered it from the night before, glad I did.

"Yes!" He said, bursting out laughing. "Like jätkä."

"Well then, hyvästi Ville." I was almost sure I'd said it wrong, but he didn't correct me. I climbed in my car and took one last look at him. He looked happy, like I'd done something to make him that way, even though I knew I didn't. He made it very hard not to have feelings for him and I wasn't sure how to deal with it.

I backed out, keeping an eye on him in my mirrors until he was out of sight. I hadn't had a morning that great in, well, maybe ever. Until I went home, that is.

When I walked through the door the first thing I saw was Noah sitting on the couch with Liz. I was automatically suspicious and assumed they were doing something I didn't wan them to be doing. "Hey." Liz greeted, which was strange because we still hadn't been talking since the last time Noah came over.

"What the fuck is happening?" I asked, insanely unamused.

"Noah just came to talk to you. He's only been here a few minutes." She claimed, though I didn't believe her.

"Oh yeah? Where's Bane?" Her silence following my question gave me my answer. "That's what I thought." I walked over to Noah and stood in front of him. "What?"

"I just wanted to talk about last night. Is that guy your boyfriend for real?" He looked weirded out, like I had three heads or something.

"What guy? You're dating someone?" Liz interrupted.

I shut Liz up with nothing but a glare and continued my conversation with Noah. "He is none of your business."

"So is that where you were last night? You were with him?" He was getting angry and I wasn't about to deal with it.

"Yeah I was. Like he told you I would be. Problem?" I knew I was being rude, but I was pissed he thought I had to answer to him.

"I see. So you can run around and sleep with whoever you want but I'm the bad guy?" Playing victim was the worst thing he could have done, I felt like I was about to snap.

"You are the bad guy!" I shouted. "You were sleeping with girls while we were dating, and guess what? We aren't dating anymore! So I can do whatever I want, without your consent."

"Jamie, come on, don't be like that." He stood up and tried holding me, but I backed up quickly. He used to pull this shit all the time but it wouldn't work this time.

"No, I'll be however I want. I live here, you don't. If you don't like it you know where the door is. Now excuse me, I need to get ready for work." I tried to walk passed him but he grabbed my arm to stop me, though he wasn't being too rough.

"Look, I just want to talk. I think we need to give us a fighting chance." I couldn't believe the words coming form his mouth and it took everything I had not to punch him.

"Oh yeah? Because you weren't willing to do that at all when we first broke up like I was. You can shove this whole idea of getting back together up your ass. Now excuse me." I ripped my arm from his grasp and went to my room, slamming the door.

I couldn't believe how my day had so quickly turned. I was in a terrible mood and I could barely focus on showering and getting ready for work, not to mention that I knew Noah was still in my apartment, likely waiting for me to leave so he can be alone with Liz. As paranoid as it sounded, there was no doubt in my mind they were messing around with each other, but it also could have been because I no longer trusted either of them.

As I left, I completely ignored Noah and Liz, not exactly prepared to get into another fight and be late, the shop owner was not a huge fan of tardiness. But I found myself angry the whole day. I'd never cut flowers so violently (when no one was looking anyway) and I'd never just been so unhappy to be working. I hated the negative impact Noah had on me.

On my lunch break, I decided to run to the diner and grab a burger. I wasn't very hungry but it gave me an excuse to not be at work for about 30 minutes. I hadn't even realized it until I got my food that Ville was only 2 tables away. I was going to say hi to him but he was on the phone. I found it hard not to eavesdrop, but it was like I couldn't even control myself.

"So after all this time that's what you've decided?" Pause. I wasn't sure who he was talking to yet but I had a feeling it was.. "Jonna, would you just listen to me for a moment?" Yep. Jonna. "Look, if you don't want to save this marriage then so be it, but if that's the decision you make there is no coming back. Once you tell me you don't want me, I'm gone. For good. Do you understand that?" I suddenly felt even worse for listening. I shouldn't have listened to Ville getting his heart broken. "Send papers my way as soon as you get them." Pause. "Yes, they will be signed once they arrive." He talked relatively quietly, but I suppose if you were actually listening he wouldn't be hard to hear in the small area. "Toivottavasti olet tietoinen siitä, mitä olet tehnyt . Et mene takaisin nyt , tämä on se." I didn't understand a lick of what he said but it didn't sound good. His voice cracked for a second and I could practically hear his heart breaking from across the room. "Hyvästi." That I understood.

He hung up the phone and rested his head in his hands for a moment. He sat up and took a few deep breaths, probably just trying to gather himself. When he stood up I quickly looked down at my phone, pretending I hadn't seen him. I did not want him knowing I was listening. "Jamie." He said, a small bit of fear in his eyes.

"Oh, Ville, hey." I smiled, acting like nothing was wrong.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were working." He sat in front me and crossed his arms over his chest. I could see he was still feeling a little vulnerable and it seemed strange on him.

"I'm on break. Did you eat already?" I asked, knowing he probably hadn't.

"No, I was kind of caught up." He probably wasn't ready to talk about it as it only just happened, and I wouldn't push him.

"Want to share my burger with me? I honestly won't eat it all, I only ordered it for an excuse to take a break." I shrugged, sliding my plate a little closer to him.

"Sure." He half smiled, ripping the burger in half and taking a small bite. I knew he was probably feeling sick, that was how I felt when Noah and I broke up, and he probably didn't want to eat, but it was better he did before he got into the habit of not eating.

I desperately wanted to ask him if he was okay, but I knew it would give away the fact that I heard him. So instead I started talking about my day. "Noah was at my apartment when I got home this morning."

"Why?" He asked, looking slightly relieved the topic wasn't on him.

"He said he wanted to talk, to get back together, but I told him to shove it up his ass. He was still there with Liz by the time I left. So they've probably hooked up by now." I shrugged, feeling like my shitty day was a lot better than his.

"That's a shame sweetheart. Sorry to hear he's still pestering you, if it makes you feel any better, he's only with your friend because she's so close to you." It didn't actually make me feel better at all. If he had told me that 3 months ago when I was still upset over him, then it would have helped a little, but now that I felt like I was truly over him and just plain mad at him, his intentions didn't make a difference to me.

"He can do whatever. I just don't want him around." Honestly I was afraid to go home in case he was still there, I was tired of living with the tension already and he would only make it worse.

"Well let me know if there's anything I can do." He sounded like he was trying to be his normal self, but that was the problem. He was trying. Not necessarily succeeding. It pained me to see him like this.

"Are you alright?" I asked, against my better judgement.

"Why do you ask?" My paranoia screamed that he knew, but I had to play it cool.

"You just seem kind of not yourself." I tilted my head at him, making myself look unaware, if it were possible.

He ran his fingers through his curly hair and sighed. "It's been a tough day, and I don't want to be rude but I think I need some time to process things."

"Don't apologize." I felt bad that he was even considering anyone's feelings but his own. "Just let me know if you need to talk, okay?"

"I will." He half smiled, though it quickly faded away.

"I should get back to work. Take the fries with you, I won't eat them." I shrugged, making him chuckle.

"Thanks love." He popped one into his mouth as I stood, indicating he wouldn't be following me out.

"Feel better, okay?" I said, putting my hand on his arm.

He put a hand over mine and said "Thank you. I'll message you."

I nodded and walked back to work, but not before looking back through the window a few times. I felt terribly sorry for him, but there was nothing I could do.

I finished off the rest of my day at work before sulking home, and as I expected, Noah was still there. I ignored him and went to my room, where I was surprised to find Bane waiting for me. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Sorry dude, I just didn't want to be around Liz right now and everything in our room reminds me of her." He looked sad, which was pretty strange, he was never sad.

"Did you guys break up?" I couldn't believe this was the second guy today that had woman issues right in front of me. I felt like some kind of bad luck charm!

"No, but she's all over him Jamie. You should see the way she acts around him. It's like she doesn't even care if I think she's cheating or not." Bane wasn't someone who normally confided in anyone about anything, so I took his concern seriously.

"Look I know what it's like to be with Noah, and I know how she's probably feeling, but I can tell you she can't be happy with him forever. No one can. He's just not the kind of guy that sticks around or settles down, not yet anyway. And believe me, if he were that kind of guy, he would have stayed with me, and I don't mean to sound arrogant or anything, but we were together for years, and he still did it." I wanted to be honest with him so he knew what Liz was getting into, maybe he could stop her somehow.

"I don't want to lose her. I know I should have been better, fought with her less, maybe helped her out around here, I don't know." He rested his head in his hands, looking defeated.

"Bane, it doesn't matter what you do anymore. She's going to do what she wants either way. You have to realize that your time to do whatever you wanted to do is over, she's already hooked on Noah and no amount of romance or sweetness can help now. " Maybe I was being too rough on him, but I considered it a form of tough love.

"If she's cheating on me, I have to leave her." He sat back up and looked me in the eyes, and for the first time, I saw fear. He really was afraid to lose her, and it was genuine. In all the time I knew Bane, I never really felt sorry for him for any reason, but the hurt on his face was real. "I'll be homeless. I don't have family to go to. And what the hell am I going to do without her?"

Bane once had a drug problem and it turned his family away from him, and although he wasn't into anything but smoking weed, he still never gained back his family. Leaving her would mean leaving the only home he had. "I'm not going to let you be homeless." I decided, kind of on a whim. Bane and I were never very close but I still didn't want to see him in a bad place.

"What are you going to do?" he asked, hopelessness still smothered him.

"Look, I don't want Noah around. He makes me feel uncomfortable in my own place and I don't think that's okay. I pay to live here too, you know?" He nodded, starting to catch my drift. "And I know he has a nice rental house and a nice car, there's no reason she can't live with him unless he's hiding her from someone. So if she wants him so bad, she can go live with him. And I know it might be awkward, just us two, but it's better than the streets, isn't it?"

"Yeah. It is. You have no idea how much I'd appreciate that." I was seeing a new side of him, a grateful and vulnerable one. I was hoping, if nothing else, this experience would change him for the better. Maybe he'd learn to appreciate the people who care about him.

"I mean, I don't want to be mean but I think it's only fair. 2 out of 3 of us aren't comfortable with him being here, so I say we tell her that. If she wants to see him, she can. But not here. And if she wants to leave then that's her choice. But it's our right to be comfortable in our own home." I felt sad that this is where my relationship with my best friend had gone. Best friends don't date their best friend's first love. Best friends don't date men who broke their best friend's heart and trust. It just hurt that she'd put our friendship on the line for a guy, especially a guy who was literally only coming over to begin with to get back with me.

"He's using the hell out of her." Bane mentioned, and it was safe to assume he was getting at the same thing Ville was earlier. "He's just using her to bother you. Because he wants you."

"Someone else told me something similar today." I paused, then went on to ask "So what are you going to do about her?"

"I want to see if she's really going to run to him. I don't want to prompt her. If she really wants this guy she can dump me herself. She doesn't get the pleasure of calling this my fault." He was bitter, as he had a right to be.

"Let me know if you need anything, okay?" He looked like he wanted to ask something, but he was holding back. "What is it?"

"Would you mind if I slept on your floor tonight? I don't know when he's leaving and I don't want to share a bed with her." Fuck. It seemed a little awkward, but how could I say no?

"Sure." I stood up, heading to the kitchen.

"Thanks so much. And I'm really sorry about everything, I was a shitty friend to you. I promise I'll be better." His sincerity was undeniable. I never would have expected this from him, but was willing to give it a chance.

"I believe you." I said, to his surprise. I went into the kitchen, only to find Liz and Noah laughing about something at the counter.

I got some milk out of the fridge and grabbed the cereal from the cupboard, along with a spoon and a bowl. I didn't really want to eat it but it was the only thing I could eat quickly and without asking one of them to move out of the way. Too bad neither of them got the hint that I didn't want to talk. "Hey, sorry that Bane is throwing a fit in your room." Liz said, laughing it off.

"Bane isn't throwing a fit Liz. You'd know that if you'd take him seriously for a minute." I felt angry and bitter toward her. Noah staying all day was only proof of something happening between them.

"What's wrong with you?" She acted offended and as if she just couldn't think of a reason I'd be upset.

"Probably the fact that you keep bringing Noah around when he clearly isn't wanted here." I was done ignoring her, done being polite and trying to salvage our friendship. If she wanted to salvage our friendship she needed to help too. It wasn't a one sided issue.

"Well maybe I wanted him here." I couldn't believe she was even defending him, although I should have expected it.

"Yeah well he was here to see me. Do you not remember how he literally asked me to give him another chance this morning? Does that not tell you anything? I turned him down and suddenly he just spends the whole day with my best friend? You don't find that fishy?" She was being ignorant. I'd known Noah for years and I knew exactly what he was up to.

"Newsflash, he used you as an excuse to see me because he didn't want to ruin our friendship." She looked so arrogant, like she'd just said the smartest thing in the world.

"First off, that's a fucking joke. Second, I never thought you'd be stupid enough to believe that kind of bullshit. Third, You're dating Bane. Not Noah. If you want a cheating, lying asshole, that's fine, but you need to break it of with Bane. And last, but definitely not least, know that if Noah is more important than our friendship, then so be it. But I will not feel sorry for you when you get fucked over." I didn't want to be so mean, but it was the truth. I had to say what I felt.

"You're just jealous because I fucked your ex-boyfriend. You weren't good enough when you were with him and you're not good enough now. And just so you know, I did sleep with him while you were dating. So suck on that. I was always the one he wanted. Not you." The words she threw at me hurt like daggers piercing into my back. I was so angry and upset that I had to force down tears, I never thought she would betray me like that. Sleeping with my ex was one thing, sleeping with a man I was already dating was another.

"You know what, I thought you were my best friend. And now I know you were just as much of a disgusting liar as Noah. You two deserve each other. Bane and I want you and your shit out by the end of the week." I wasn't even messing around anymore. She just danced of my last nerve and I was about to punch her.

"And where the hell am I supposed to go? You can't just do that!" She was yelling by this point and her stupid ass play thing stood there and didn't say a word, didn't even offer her a place to stay.

"I can and I did." I looked at Noah who looked pissed as normal. I could tell he desperately wanted me to keep my mouth shut but there was absolutely nothing he could do to stop me from blurting out, "Why don't you stay with Noah? I'm sure he has plenty of room for the one he's always loved." A smile graced itself across my face and sarcasm dripped from my last sentence.

Liz looked back at him but he kept quiet for a bit too long before saying "You can stay with me until we find you a place. Go get your shit."

She smiled at me, as if she'd won somehow, and skipped off to her room to get her things. Noah seemed unhappy about her staying with him, or staying until they found her a place. I knew it wouldn't be long before he found her somewhere else to stay, just by what he said. I hated everything about this situation.

Bane came out of my room to talk to Liz. He went into their room and not long after I could hear muffled yelling. Things like "I can't believe you're leaving for this fucking guy!" and "You're fucking low! That's your best friend's ex. You're ruining your whole life right now!" and "Don't you ever show back up here again!" came from Bane while things like "This is all your fault anyway!" and "You should have treated me better!" and "It's over! I'm done with you!" came from Liz. The arguing went on for about a half hour before I became too stressed out to listen anymore.

I sat on the couch and looked at my phone, deciding if I wanted to text Ville or not. I wanted the distraction but I also didn't want to bother him. Before I could make a decision Noah sat down next to me. "You know, this could all go away if you just agreed to be with me again."

"After everything that just happened you want me to fall back into your arms? What about Liz? Aren't you just crazy in love with her?" My sarcasm and anger wasn't even being held back at all. I felt I had every right to be angry with him.

"Look, you and I both know what's going on here. Let's not play dumb. And don't even try convincing Liz this is any different, she won't believe you. I already put it in her head that you'd think I was using her because you were jealous." His arrogance was infuriating and I wanted to just run away from everything. I was tired of dealing with all of this.

"First off, you're a fucking sick bastard, okay? This is wrong to do to her. Second, you are ruining a friendship that we've had since we were kids and I don't know how you sleep at night." I crossed my arms and sat back on the couch, wishing he would just leave already.

"I sleep at night by having sex with your best friend then drifting off to dreamland." He mused, intentionally pissing me off. "How about you?"

"By having sex with my boyfriend then drifting off to dreamland." Shit. I hadn't even meant to say it, it just slipped out. I knew it wasn't true of course, but the bitterness in me took over. I wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me, or at least piss him off. I wasn't too excited about having to tell Ville this story though.

"That skinny bastard from the club last night?" He laughed, mocking him.

"You mean that famous, Finnish, rock star? Yeah. Him." The look on his face was worth the lie, I was happy to have finally won for once. The little victory was more than I ever got with Noah.

"That's a joke. If he's your boyfriend then where is he?" His smug face made me want to punch him.

"Recording studio. And we don't live together, it's a new thing. You know, not everyone automatically moves in together after dating. Some people like to take things slow and not just use each other for sex." I felt like I was on top of the world every time his face went from something of pure arrogance to nothing but a beaten down wisp of a man.

"Prude." He got up off the couch and leaned into Liz's doorway. "Car. 2 minutes. Leaving with or without you." He stormed out the door, giving me the satisfaction of winning this fight.

Liz left quickly after Noah and everything suddenly felt so silent. I went to what was now just Bane's room to find him crying. I gave him a hug, but he could barely focus on breathing, let alone actually hugging back. I stayed with him a while until he calmed down. No words were said, but I knew he was hurting and needed to be alone. He got in bed, fully clothed, and I let myself out. I felt terrible. Not only did I lose my best friend to my ex, but Bane lost his love to someone else, and I knew how hard that was from experience.

I spent the rest of my evening, laying around, watching TV, keeping an eye on my phone, just trying to be distracted. I knew I had a rough few days ahead.