Beyond Redemption

Hearing Ville say that he thought I was beautiful was kind of crazy for me. I never thought for a second that he ever really looked at me that way, much less "strike" him with my apparent beauty. He was such a beautiful man himself, it was hard to believe someone so otherworldly would think so highly of me. I was simple, or at least I thought I was, I never tried too terribly hard to look great, I never did too much to impress anyone, so hearing these things was an absolute shock.

I also never would have had the courage to tell him I thought anything of him either, until it slipped out, and I was such a bad liar that I couldn't even deny it. I could have said I was lying, that I hadn't meant it, I was just saying it to piss off Liz, but I drew a complete blank. I could barely breathe when we actually had to talk about it, how was I supposed to come up with a lie to cover my own ass? An apology seemed much more feasible.

As much as I wanted something to happen between us, I for some reason still had no hope. He was still married. I was still in so much drama that I could drown in it. As much as I wanted to try being with him, to see if it was as wonderful as I'd imagined, I wouldn't push. If it was meant to happen it would, and I did well at accepting it. I was just relieved we could still be friends without a bunch of awkwardness between us after I openly talked about his dick. Woops.

After that conversation, Ville stuck around a while longer to keep me company until Bane came home. Apparently being sick also meant I couldn't be alone. "Hey I'm back." Bane called as he opened the door. "I've got your chicken broth, some crackers and apple juice. They didn't have grape so- Oh." He stopped once he saw the unfamiliar man sitting next to me on the couch. "Didn't know you had someone over."

"Sorry, he just stopped by because he heard I was sick." I may have fibbed a little, but Bane didn't need to know the real reason why, Ville's divorce was none of his business.

"Right on." He put the groceries down and stuck out a hand "Bane. Don't worry man, we're just roommates." He must have thought the same thing Liz and Noah thought.

"Ville." He introduced himself, shaking Bane's hand.

"We aren't actually dating." He admitted, there was no reason to lie to him too. He'd had enough of that from Liz. "I originally told Noah we were dating because of an argument and it kind of just went from there so... Shhhh." I shrugged, feeling a little guilty. It sounded awful.

"Oh no worries." Typical Bane, he never cared about much. It was nice to see him slightly returning to his normal self, but honestly I liked heart broken Bane a little better.

"I should go, you know, let you rest." Ville said, standing up.

"Thanks for stopping by." I smiled, feeling slightly satisfied about his visit.

"Anytime, love. Let me know when you're feeling better, maybe we can go have a few drinks again?" I was sort of terrified of the offer but I nodded anyway, not really wanting to turn down the chance to get out of my apartment. "I'll see you." He winked, unknowingly sending shivers down my spine. "Nice meeting you." He called to Bane.

"Yeah you too man." He called back, not paying much attention. I hadn't even realized he'd gone into the kitchen until then.

Ville left and I got up to make myself some soup. "Thanks for picking this stuff up. I really didn't feel like going out."

"You know who that was don't you?" I was a little surprised at his question. I turned to look at him and he was sweating, eyes bugged out like he'd just seen a ghost.

"Uh, Ville?" I was getting confused and I couldn't understand what he was freaking out about.

"Uh yeah Jamie. I didn't need an introduction!" He seemed a bit frantic, but little did I know he was just star struck. "You can't just bring a legend like that into our apartment and not warn me."

"Wait, you like HIM?" I chuckled, already amused at this whole situation.

"You know nothing about me do you?" He lowered his shirt in the back and lifted up his hair to reveal a heartagram tattoo on his neck. How had I never seen that before?

"Oh. Well that's weird." I shrugged, thinking it was odd that maybe I knew a lot less about Bane than I thought I did. Come to think of it I probably hadn't even seen his hair wet, let alone screwed up enough to reveal the back of his neck.

"Jamie! What the hell is wrong with you?! Are you even human?" He looked at me like I was an alien land on Earth from space. "I am a straight man, I like women. A lot. But I would have no problem getting on my knees for the man that was just sitting on that couch."

I had to laugh at him, him being a "fan girl" was probably the funniest thing I'd seen in a while. "Calm down, if he knows you're like this he probably won't come back."

"Come back? When is he coming back?" He asked, sitting in a chair at the table.

"Maybe never. Maybe tomorrow. Who the hell knows?" I felt like Bane might burst and it was sort of great.

"You make sure I'm here next time." He scolded, starting to breathe like a normal human again.

"Whatever." I smiled and shook my head, walking away from him before I felt a fever come back.

I sat on my bed, ready to take a nap. As I laid down and stared at the ceiling, I couldn't help but dwell on how much things had changed in the last year. The Noah break up, everything with Liz, moving, Meeting Ville.. It was a hard pill to swallow. I was a pretty simple girl and I liked things to be equally as simple, but it couldn't be that way. Not now.

Losing Liz had been tough on me, but it only got worse with time. I pretended like I didn't care, especially when she came around, but I missed her terribly. It was strange not having her around, and even more strange seeing her on the arm of a man I dated all through high school and on. It was weird that I was living with Bane, being friends with him. It was weird that I was talking to another man, liking another man. Nothing was what it was 7 months ago and I couldn't wrap my head around it. I went to sleep with my head spinning with worry and stress, and woke up feeling equally as glum.

I checked my phone, seeing 3 messages from Ville. "Hey, are you up?" "Read this." And a link to an online article. Intrigued, I clicked on the link, onnly to have my heart drop.

Valo Marriage Finnished

Front man of Finnish 'love metal' band HIM, Ville Valo, is single and back on the market ladies! Yes! You heard right! According to, now ex wife, Jonna Nygren, the relationship between she and Valo is officially over.

We were lucky enough to get the first interview from Nygren herself, giving her side of the story. Although we could not meet with her in person, we were able to get these answers over our email.

[Interview by Melissa Joan]

M: So you've officially announced your break up with Ville. Who ended the relationship?

J: It was me, I had to put my foot down.

M: Could you tell us what happened?

J: Ville is a drinker and he travels and does god knows what with god knows who. I can't trust him to be sober and faithful. Ville is out of control and I'd like to see him get the help he needs.

M: Do you think you'll ever get back together?

J: Maybe if he cleaned up his act, but I'll say no. He'll never change anyway.

M: So where is Ville now? Have you two already moved away from each other?

J: Oh yes. He's in America and I'm in Finland.

M: If we ask Ville his side of the story, what do you think he'd say?

J: He wouldn't answer you. He doesn't like letting people know the truth. And if he did answer you, it'd all be lies anyway. He is always lying.

M: Have you ever caught him cheating?

J: He doesn't think I have but I have.

M: With anyone we'd know?

J: No. He has a taste for girls off the street.

M: Ouch! So are you seeing anyone new?

J: I can't say.

M: So there is someone. Were you seeing this someone during your marriage?

J: I said I can't say. But I can bet he's been seeing someone. Or lots of someones.

M: Ruthless. So would you say the relationship is totally severed? No contact or friendship in the future?

J: No. Not likely.

M: Is Ville moving to America then? Why is he there?

J: He's recording. And who even cares if he moves there? He's just running away from his problems like he always does.

M: Are you angry or bitter with him?

J: Yes. Very. He broke my heart and I can never forgive him. I wanted to salvage our marriage but like I said, I had to put my foot down.

M: So are you the one who asked for the divorce?

J: No. He asked me for the divorce after I told him he had to change. It was me or his habits and he chose his habits.

M: So sorry to hear that. Well thank you for your time!

J: No problem, thank you.

M: Any last words for Ville or the fans?

J: Yes. Fans, don't look up to a man like Ville. He's vile, rude, mean, and a liar. Don't let him charm you, don't let him lie to you. And Ville, if you're reading this, go to hell. I hope your band and your drinking and your drugs were worth it.

Rough! For more on the Valo break up and much more in the future, subscribe to our newsletter for instant updates!

What. The. Fuck.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Why is she lying about you?" I text Ville, hoping he was awake this early. It was about 7AM, though I was surprised to see I'd slept that long.

"Because she wants to look like a saint. She wants to make sure everyone thinks this is just my fault." He text back rather quickly and a part of me wondered if he'd even slept yet.

"Maybe you should email the interviewer and clear things up?" I wasn't really sure if it was as easy as that, or if anyone would believe him anyway.

A long pause came before another reply from him. "I don't think it will do any good."

I felt bad, this was a woman that was supposed to love him no matter what, and not only did she break his heart, but now she was trying to ruin his career. "I'm sorry. I don't know how to help."

"It's alright love. Don't worry about it. Would you mind meeting me for lunch later? I have something I need your opinion on." I was surprised at the sudden question, but I figured I wouldn't turn him down.

"Sure. I'll text you when I take my lunch break." I cringed thinking about going to work. I was tired, still not feeling 100% better yet.

I sneaked out to go to work without Bane noticing me, I wasn't in the mood to talk to him, or anyone really. Being sick apparently made me a little antisocial.

During the first half of my shift, I only had about 4 customers, which was a little more than normal for not having a holiday any time soon. Surprisingly, my boss came in, looking a bit grim. "Hey there." I greeted him in a cheery tone, but it didn't catch on.

"Hey Jamie. I want to make this quick." He said, leaning up against the counter I was standing at. "Look, we haven't been getting the kind of money we need to stay open, so we had to put the business up for sale. Now, I don't know what that exactly means for you. A new owner could take over and run things as normal, or they could make it into something else and either fire or keep you, or they could just tear the place down all together. I really hate to do this to you, I know how much you love the shop, we love it too, but we're going under. We have to sell it before we have to file for bankruptcy."

"That's terrible." I said, feeling a pain in my heart. How could this happen? "I'm so sorry, I can't believe it."

"I'm sorry too. It's been tough of me and the Mrs." He shrugged, though he still looked pretty upset. "We'll keep you posted on what happens. It may take quite a while to sell, so you'll have time to find a back up job if this doesn't work out for you."

"Thank you so much for letting me know. If I can possibly stay here, I will." I desperately wanted this place to stay the way it was, and I felt guilty for not wanting to come to work that morning.

"I have to go meet with a few people about all this yet, but I figured Ii'd stop in and give you a heads up. Again, I'm so sorry to do this to you Jamie." He genuinely felt terrible and so did I.

"It's okay, do what you have to do. I'll be fine." I smiled and gave him a hug, though I thought I might cry. Everything was going wrong.

I suddenly felt incredibly overwhelmed.Noah was gone. Liz was gone. My job was about to be gone. I didn't want to live with Bane forever and Ville.. Ville. He seemed to be the only thing that I could ever keep around, and even still I couldn't have him the way I wanted. Everyone and everything seemed to be fading away right in front of me and I had no control over anything anymore.

By the time my head stopped spinning from all the stress and worry I realized I was late for my lunch break. I put up our "Be back in 30 minutes" sign and head out, texting Ville on the way to let him know, even though it was unnecessary as he was already there when I walked in.

Ville sat at a table with a salad next to him and his lap top sitting in front of him. He was working hard on something, he hadn't even noticed me walk in. "Hey you." I said, sitting in front of him.

He pushed the lap top aside so he could see me and smiled. "Good afternoon."

Just as I sat down a waitress came over and set down a burger. "Thanks." I said to Ville. I appreciated that he'd remembered how I liked my burger. "Why the hell are you eating a salad?" I laughed, thinking it was a little weird for him.

"I don't eat meat love." He chuckled at my surprised face.

"What? Yes you do. You ate a burger with me." I reminded him.

He ran his fingers through his hair, stressed out. "That was a rough day. I hadn't even realized I'd eaten it until much later. I tell you, sometimes my head is somewhere else."

"Wait, you ate meat on accident?" I laughed, thinking this was the weirdest thing. How could you not realize you were eating meat when you were a vegetarian?

"Unfortunately." He looked a little embarrassed so I dropped it.

"I'll remember that then." I nodded, making a mental note of it. "So what else don't I know about you?"

"Lots of things. Like what I wanted your opinion on." He changed the subject, whipping his laptop around so I could see. "Hit play."

I hit the play button and put the headphones he had on. It was a track he and his band had recorded, it obviously wasn't finished yet, but it was enough to have me reeling. It had started somewhere in the middle of the track.

"Finding souls to feed
The nightside of eden
We see the struggling
For her love's
Last breath and walk off

Drunk on shadows and lost in a lie
Killing ourselves a kiss at a time
Devils dance while angels smile
Drunk on shadows and lost in a lie"

"What the hell? This is awesome." I smiled, genuinely loving what I was hearing.

"Are you sure? I'm not sure about it. It's a bit different than what we've done in the past." He scratched his head, like he was thinking way too hard about it, but there was also an excitement on his face.

"I'm so sure. This is incredible." I listened to the rest before giving his headphones back. "Please, keep that. Put it on the album. It's perfect. Your voice is beautiful."

"Thank you." He looked away from me, it felt like he was having a hard time accepting a compliment when it wasn't a joke. He had fun pretending to be arrogant sometimes, but when it came down to it I found him to be a little shy in a way.

"So I got some bad news." I said, thinking about the shop again. "The Bloom Room is going under and the owners have to sell it."

"What does that mean for you?" He looked at me, concerned.

"I don't know. It could stay the same or be turned into something or demolished. Who knows?" I felt sad again, like my life was just falling apart, but I had to keep it cool, at least until I wasn't in front of Ville anymore.

"I'm sorry to hear that, I know you love that place. Let me know if there's anything I can do. I'll keep an eye out for job openings for you." I appreciated his help, but there was nothing he could do to help. I wanted to save the place but that wasn't exactly an option.

"Thanks." I ate my food while Ville worked on his laptop, typing away, probably writing lyrics. He didn't put the headphones on, probably as to not be rude. As I watched him write, I found I new side to him I hadn't seen before. He was focused, serious. He wasn't totally silent either, he hummed tunes, sometimes very quickly, sometimes super slow until he figured out where to go with it. He bobbed his head to the music in his head, wrote, deleted, wrote some more, deleted again, until he was happy with it. These things seemed to just easily pour out of him, like it was exactly what he was always meant to do. I liked seeing him like this, in his own natural state of being.

"Sorry, I'm on somewhat of a musical journey at the moment. It's coming to easy right now to stop." He said, without breaking eye contact with his laptop.

"It's okay." I smiled, really not minding it. "Take your time. I have to get heading back to work soon anyway. We can meet up again later today if you want."

"I'm in the studio today. If you want you are welcome to swing by." The offer was nice but it made me a little nervous being around people I didn't know.

"I don't know. I don't really feel like I belong there, I don't want to be in the way while you work. Why don't we hang out when you're done? Maybe we can take a few drinks to the river?" I felt a lot more comfortable when it was just the two of us, adding in a bunch of Finnish men I didn't know, and half the time didn't understand, was still a little intimidating.

"I could go for that. I'll call you when I'm done and I'll meet you, alright?" He finally broke contact with the laptop to meet my eyes.

"Sounds good. See ya Ville." I smiled and left after attempting to pay for my food. Ville was pretty sneaky about paying the bill for me. I was going to go back and thank him, but decided I'd just do it later when I found he was already totally sucked into the screen in front of him.

Going back to work put me in a sour mood, as I was afraid I wouldn't be able to come back every day anymore, but my river drinks with Ville helped me keep my mind off it. I knew it wasn't a date, as we were still strictly just friends, but a part of me felt like it was definitely a date, even if calling it that was a lie.