The Game
Arrow
Short sighted and delirious. How would I know I was playing games? Games, rigged so I never won.
A life time lost to your temperament.
Balancing on a tightrope, with fire burning below, an arrow pointed at my heart with your love inside. Rules always changing. How was I to know, my desire for that arrow would be my demise?
A mind lost to indecision.
Never certain of anything I dived into a river of quenching thirsts. Trying to be what everyone needed, what you demanded of me, and constantly ripping apart at the bottom of the rocks.
I healed the flesh wounds cautiously, not knowing I was a body lost to circumstance.
Every moment that I tried to please you, tried to see you as self-proclaimed salvation for my own judgement...I lost another piece of my sight. I envisioned another death for myself without knowing I was...to you...a master of my own decisions. A rogue. Some thing you wish you didn't bring into this world.
A destiny lost to short sighted goals.
You left me bleeding out, driven insane, watered through, weighted down and lifeless on the shores of your world. You, as an island, your own perfect paradise, with me, as it's dependent, a parasite that reached for your aid. Begging for your forgiveness. My only route to God, you said, it was you. You found me disgusting, horrified at my existence, you kept reminding me in between each episode of forgiveness that you did not, in fact, care for me.
And in so many ways that lack of care, vocalized so intensely, made me understand that I lacked the tools to reach God. If the only way to paradise was through you...how would I reach it?
I refresh. I swim out to you again, a strength in my arms and in my heart to make amends. To show you how wrong I am. Chip myself down to nothing, to become a meager shadow of my previous self-righteous and manipulative self - as you so directly put it - to become your slave, your tool, your child.
I strive for redemption.
And you see me, tears in your eyes, finally pleased that I have come to realization, the right epiphany that would lead me to the right path. And so very eager to see me back, you throw a rope and pull me right into you arms. Again, I was safe and in your protection. I had a chance to be a part of you. An opportunity for heaven, to reach God through you.
And you put me to work. I eagerly dove in. For how could I deny the perfection of your rule, when I had shattered at the shores of uncertainly so destructively so recently?
But no sooner had I taken rest, become too comfortable for you, that you pointed your bow towards me and demanded my allegiance. Bug-eyed and uncertain I...I reached out to you, my mother, for I had known to do only that my whole life. But you didn't see my chipping at anything, you didn't see the wanted fall to knees, you didn't get that beautiful defeated child that so desperately reached for you with promises to never take a moment for granted again. All you saw was a woman, whose ego and pride, half developed as they were, were made apparent now. You saw a woman who had goals and thoughts forming slowly in herself, and a half-idea on where to get started on her own life. She was a woman, not a girl anymore, that could stand on her own - maybe - if you didn't push her down so rapidly. And you didn't want her anymore.
So you let the arrow go. And oh my god, it hurt.
A life time lost to your temperament.
Balancing on a tightrope, with fire burning below, an arrow pointed at my heart with your love inside. Rules always changing. How was I to know, my desire for that arrow would be my demise?
A mind lost to indecision.
Never certain of anything I dived into a river of quenching thirsts. Trying to be what everyone needed, what you demanded of me, and constantly ripping apart at the bottom of the rocks.
I healed the flesh wounds cautiously, not knowing I was a body lost to circumstance.
Every moment that I tried to please you, tried to see you as self-proclaimed salvation for my own judgement...I lost another piece of my sight. I envisioned another death for myself without knowing I was...to you...a master of my own decisions. A rogue. Some thing you wish you didn't bring into this world.
A destiny lost to short sighted goals.
You left me bleeding out, driven insane, watered through, weighted down and lifeless on the shores of your world. You, as an island, your own perfect paradise, with me, as it's dependent, a parasite that reached for your aid. Begging for your forgiveness. My only route to God, you said, it was you. You found me disgusting, horrified at my existence, you kept reminding me in between each episode of forgiveness that you did not, in fact, care for me.
And in so many ways that lack of care, vocalized so intensely, made me understand that I lacked the tools to reach God. If the only way to paradise was through you...how would I reach it?
I refresh. I swim out to you again, a strength in my arms and in my heart to make amends. To show you how wrong I am. Chip myself down to nothing, to become a meager shadow of my previous self-righteous and manipulative self - as you so directly put it - to become your slave, your tool, your child.
I strive for redemption.
And you see me, tears in your eyes, finally pleased that I have come to realization, the right epiphany that would lead me to the right path. And so very eager to see me back, you throw a rope and pull me right into you arms. Again, I was safe and in your protection. I had a chance to be a part of you. An opportunity for heaven, to reach God through you.
And you put me to work. I eagerly dove in. For how could I deny the perfection of your rule, when I had shattered at the shores of uncertainly so destructively so recently?
But no sooner had I taken rest, become too comfortable for you, that you pointed your bow towards me and demanded my allegiance. Bug-eyed and uncertain I...I reached out to you, my mother, for I had known to do only that my whole life. But you didn't see my chipping at anything, you didn't see the wanted fall to knees, you didn't get that beautiful defeated child that so desperately reached for you with promises to never take a moment for granted again. All you saw was a woman, whose ego and pride, half developed as they were, were made apparent now. You saw a woman who had goals and thoughts forming slowly in herself, and a half-idea on where to get started on her own life. She was a woman, not a girl anymore, that could stand on her own - maybe - if you didn't push her down so rapidly. And you didn't want her anymore.
So you let the arrow go. And oh my god, it hurt.