Heartless

Brian.

I woke up this morning, feeling... Different. I mean, yeah, I did just wake from a good sleep, of course I'm gonna feel weird! But.. Something kept nagging at me. No doubt me heart would annoy me again today.. I didn't know what was up! I did feel a little dizzy though, I had some pills for my heart before bed. Maybe that was it.

Maybe I was dreaming of Matt again

That seems to be a problem that gets in the way of things here. I seem to have a cliche, teenage kid problem. I'm in love with my best friend, and band member, Matt. I guess it was after my best friend Jimmy died, my feelings towards Matt seemed to expand. Jimmy was our drummer, ever since we were kids. He died in '09, and I miss him more everyday. But we decided to give this kid a chance. His name is Arin, and one of his influences in drumming was Avenged's brother, Jimmy. He's working on our new album with us.

"Better shower." I mumble, staring up at the ceiling. It was 7:30am, the morning sun just breaking in through the window. I groggily got out of bed, wishing I could stay for a bit longer. But I couldn't. Me and the guys are working on a new album! I'm really looking forward to seeing how this would turn out. New solos, faster, maybe a few screams.. Who knows? Only us.

The guys..

Don't get me wrong, I love the guys like brothers. But I feel something is up.. Mainly with Matt.

I'm not sure what it is.. I have a great bond with them all, but I feel I have a stronger one with him. I can't say what it is.. I haven't known him longer.. We always find a way to make each other laugh, he can help me with some problems..

I love him.

"But there's something else too.." I muttered, sitting on the side of the bed. There is though. Over some time, I've noticed Zacky had begun to act differently.. Especially towards me. How? Well, when ever he talks with me, his tone and attitude just changes, in a good way. He would always text when I got home, to make sure I was okay. Surely he did it to the guys too? Or maybe he was afraid of losing another one of us. When we go to record, he always greets me with a hug or something.. Nice. Of course, I had nothing wrong with that, I actually enjoyed it. It was only up until a few months ago I really noticed it.

"You're over-thinking, Brian." I mumbled, running a hand through my morning hair.

I shrugged it off, trying not to think too much of it, and make my way to the bathroom. A shower might help me, yeah.

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I turned off my car when I was outside our studio. Music didn't seem to help me, and the shower didn't either! What was it?! I got out, locked it, and walked in.

"Hey Brian!" Zacky greeted me with a smile, walking over and hugging me. Johnny was spinning on his chair, and I could see Arin glaring at him. But there was no sign of Matt.

"Hey guys." I said to them all, sitting near Zee, and picking up my guitar. Speak of the Devil, Matt walks through the doors where vocals took place. He looked around, and his eyes landed on mine. I looked at him for a moment, as did he, and quickly looked away. Oh God.. It's just my thoughts..

"Hey Bri." he said, walking past me to the lyrics file. I felt myself tense up when he did.

"Morning, Matt.." I said, tuning my guitar. I.. I wonder if he feels the same way? About me? Does he get nervous, feel odd, can't... Can't take me off his mind? God I sound so vain, don't I?

"Johnny you better give back my fucking drum sticks!" We all turn to see Johnny and Arin fighting over Arin's drumsticks like kids. Hehe, this was amusing.

"Ladies, break it up and get to work." Matt warned them, and they stopped, frowning at each other, coming over to us. They really are kids.

"Right, so do we have new material so far?" Zacky asked, leaning on the neck of his guitar. I had a few things for the new album on the back of my mind. Let's hear what they got.

"Well, I made up a few lyrics over time." Matt said, unfolding some paper in his hand. He passed it to Zacky, and he passed it around. He seemed pretty pleased with it. It came around to me, next, and I could feel Matt watching me.

Our day has come
It's drawn in the sky
So don't shed a tear now
Be thankful for the time

Life wouldn't be so precious dear if there never was an end

Children still play in the garden
Dance as the sun slips away

We stand on the edge now
We've come so far
Through all the dust it becomes clear
You will always be my heart

There's no death, no end of time when I'm facing it with you..

This.. Wow.. This was really good so far! How did he come up with it? The last line kinda stuck with me as I read through the rest of the song. I hope we get to make this into something.

Children still play in the garden
Dance as the sun slips away
Not even stars last forever
Cleanse us Acid rain

Stand near to me
Don't look, be brave
Over the blackened moon
I'll carry you away
Through the planets we fly

Children still play in the garden
Dance as the sun slips away
Not even stars last forever
Cleanse us Acid rain

Send us home
Send us home
Send us home
Send us home.

"Brian?" I was taken from my daydream suddenly, the guys looking at me confused. I noticed Zacky had his hand on my knee. What... Did I black out? Wonder why that happened.

"Uh, yeah.. This is great work, Matt!" I praised him, handing him his work. He seemed proud, and smiled. I didn't know what else to say.. I had other bigger things to say about it, but that may seem a little odd.

"Okay, so how about we try this.." Johnny said, and began playing a few notes on his bass.

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I needed air.

How long have we been here? I can't ask for a break if we're here a half hour..

I gotta get out.

"I uh.. I need a bathroom break, guys." I say as casual as I could. My heart was acting up again, and it felt worse than before. I felt like my lungs were slowly tightening up, and then going back to normal, going dry, then tightening up again.. In a cycle like that.

"Sure.. How about we take 5?" Matt suggested, and as I stood up, the guys nodded in agreement. I rushed out the back door. To my left was the bathroom, to my right was the back door, leading to an alleyway. I burst open the door, it closing behind me. I sat by the old trashcan, burying my head in my hands.

Deep breath, stay calm. Just a bit longer and the you'll be home. Breath in, then out..

"What is going on.." I whimpered, slowly shaking my head. I have taken the perscribed medication, at the right times, gone to the appointments, everything!! Is this meant to happen? Is this a side-affect? Is anyone else going through this?

"Just... Keep... Going.." I manage to say, feeling a little dizzy, more than this morning. I have to stay calm. If I get unsettled or uneasy, as I've noticed since this started, my heart strains a little, reminding me it's a bitch and will hurt. But I don't understand why it was happening now..

I feel scared.

The door beside me opened slowly, and I whipped my head up to see who it was. I didn't want anyone to see me in this state, then they'll ask why I was like this, then...

"Brian? Are you okay, buddy?"

It was Matt.

"Hey, dude, I'm okay.. Why?" I asked, my head hurting when I lift it up to look at him. Why does it hurt so much? It was kinda like when I used to have hangovers as a kid. Well, only a few years ago, really.

"Well, you've been gone for roughly ten minutes.. You sure you're okay?" he asked again, closing in the door and sitting beside me. I felt myself relax just a little, but I didn't feel any better.

"K-kinda.. I dunno." I mumbled, resting my head against the wall, looking up at the sky, sighing. Matt didn't say anything for a moment after that.

"You can talk to me, you know.. We're best friends." he reminded me.

Best friends.

The words echoed in my ears. I guess that's all we'll ever be, huh? Friends.. I can imagine how he would react if I told him my feelings for him. He might flip out and kill a mother fucker with another mother fucker! Or would he simply walk away, tell the guys, and all contact from them would be avoided? That scared me, losing the guys over myself.

"Is it your heart again?" he asked softly, leaning closer to me. I couldn't respond, my thoughts from moments ago hurting me, and I held back the urge to cry, or to even shed a tear. It kinda bothered me to talk about it, it was a barricade in my life.. My own life!

"Y-Yeah.." I mumbled. I didn't want to cry in front of Matt. What would he think of me then? The only time we ever saw each other cry, was the unbearable news of Jimmy. That was a terrible time for us all. Matt shuffled in closer to me, making me tense up a little, but I wanted him to. I wanted him to be here, but I didn't want him to see me so weak.

"Look, I'm not the best at comforting or things like that, but I do know one thing. I do know that you are strong enough to get through this. As long as I'm by your side, I know you will. I promise you will, Brian." he said softly, and I looked up at him.

"It's gonna be okay!" he said, and hugged me close to him. Whoa, what? It's getting harder to hold back my tears, and I feel them welling up as he rubs my back. I couldn't pull back, but I knew I should. He was never gonna be mine, and it hurt more as he still hugged me. He stopped hugging me, and stood up, helping me up too. I felt okay enough to go back in, as long as I suddenly don't pass out on the way back inside. But Matt didn't open the door, let alone even go to walk back to the guys.

"Matt? Aren't you coming in?" I asked him, my back to the door. He looked a little awkward. I stepped over to him, not too close though. When he didn't reply, as his eyes were darting here and there, I pat his arm lightly, trying to grab his attention. I was about to tap him again, when he suddenly pecked me on the cheek softly, making me flinch and jump back in shock. What just happened?! Did it even happen? I could see he looked like he regretted doing that when I looked at him in shock.

"Matt?" I whispered, not too sure how to react really. Didn't I enjoy that? Hadn't I wanted to experience something like this for a long while now? Maybe I had too much pills this morning, or.. Did I hear the back door close? Must be my head fucking with me.

"I-I'm sorry, Brian.. I had to. I don't know what came over me! I j-"

"Matt, it's... It's okay." I said softly, touching his arm lightly to calm him, and gave him a small smile. He seemed to relax when I did, as did I. We didn't say anything for a moment.

"How long?" I asked after a silent moment between us. How long has... Has he liked me? For more than a best friend. It felt... Weird, but in a good way.

"Uhm... Since we met?" he replied shyly. Woah.. That long?! That's well over a decade!

"Really? I have for about... four or five.." I said, for some reason feeling guilty afterwards. He'd liked me for that long, and I didn't even notice it?

"So.. What do we do now?" Matt asked, looking around him. I guess I could make us laugh.

"Well, obviously we fuck now." I said calmly, trying hard not to grin, but failing drastically, and we both started laughing.

"Nah, I think we should get back to the guys, before they think we actually were." he said, and so we did.

Of course, that nag at my heart was still there, had been since Matt arrived, calmed down when he did. Maybe I somehow avoided a minor heart attack. If it wasn't for him, maybe..

"There you guys are! Time's almost up!" Arin exclaimed when we came back. Johnny was looking over at us, shaking his head and grinning. Lil' fucker. Zacky... He was just looking down at his guitar. Huh, usually he woulda come over..

"Brian! Can you hear me?" Johnny called, waving a hand in front of my face. What?

"Uh, yeah! Why?" I said, snapping out of my day dream.

"Well, we were suggesting we go to a bar when we get outta here.. You in?" Matt said, and I could hear Zacky walk over. I felt tension flood over when he did. Is he okay?

"Sounds cool, but I can't. I feel a little off tonight, I'll pass." I replied, nodding at Matt. He understood. Why won't I tell the guys? I feel I should wait longer, you know? Until I know something will happen for sure. I mean, we just lost Jimmy, I don't want to give them troubled thoughts. I don't want them to cancel plans and tours, just because I have a shit heart. But.. Earlier coulda been my last day here with them..

"Cool, we'll call tomorrow!" Johnny said, and they all walked to the door. Zacky just brushed past me, carrying his guitar in it's case. What the heck?

"Hey, you okay?" I asked, holding him back from the lads. He glared at me with a straight face, but nodded.

"Yeah! Why shouldn't I be?" he snapped. I flinched a little when he said that. Was he pissed 'cos I left, and took up time? It sucks, I can't tell him why I did. I just seem selfish.

"Woah, what's your problem, Zee?" I asked sternly, glaring right back at him. He didn't respond, but I could see his green eyes flaring up slowly.

"I saw." he muttered, looking away. He.. Saw wh- Oh. I understand now. I felt my insides turn ice cold, the not so long ago memory coming back to me. I had to play dumb.

"Saw what?" I asked, his facial expression changing drastically as he whipped his head up towards me.

"Saw what?! I just saw my best friend kissing my other one! And you hadn't a problem with it!" he yelled. I jumped back. Rarely, anyone ever saw this side of Zacky. Like a fire match suddenly striking up into a bonfire..

"Okay!! I get it! Matt kissed me, so what?! What's the big deal?" I fought back.

"Put yourself in my shoes... How would you feel if you saw your best friend kissing your love?" he asked calmly, and stormed out. What? What does he mea-

"Oh my.. Brian, do you know what you've done.." I growled, sitting down and holding my head in my hands.

Zacky likes me.

I felt I should go out after him, to sort things out. So I do. I grab the studio keys, running out and locking the door. I make it out front, only to see the guys drive around the corner up ahead of me.

"Well done, Brian." I muttered, tempted to hit my heart. I can't though. Who knows what that would do to me? I simply, huff, and find my car, making my way home.

What's tomorrow gonna bring?