Heartless

Brian..

I didn't know what to do..

Gasp?

Stutter my way outta this?

Let Zacky do the talking?

No, that wouldn't be fair.

"B-Brian?" Matt barely whispered in shock, his stare locked on mine, holding me down. I felt the most biggest wave of guilt wash over me, and wanted to die. Fuck, why didn't the heart attack take me?!

"Uhm, hey, Matt.. Johnny.. Doc..." I nodded cautiously at each of them. Zacky was sitting at the end of the bed, his jeans on, fiddling with his shirt awkwardly. Oh boy..

"I'll leave you gentlemen.. To talk.." the Doctor said kindly, but I guessed he could feel the tension in the air too. He shut the door quietly behind him, and the beeping beside me was the only sound keeping us company. I didn't know what to say? Should i fake passing out so they'll leave and give me time to think of a rational explanation? Too much to ask for I suppose.

"Hey, Brian.. Feeling better?" Johnny asked me, standing upright in his spot. Oh yeah, I just fucked my best friend after waking from a coma, how about you? Must have been blaintly obvious to them..

"Um, feeling more alive, anyways.." I tried to make a joke, but not even a smirk was on any ones faces now. Oh crap. Matt turned his attention to Zacky, who was looking at the floor like a guilty dog.

"Zacky?" he asked, making him jump and look right up at him. "How long have you been here? With Brian?" he asked him. Zacky couldn't find his voice for once, tripping over his words. Super Brian appears.

"H-He was here when I woke, roughly a half hour ago.." I said, clearing my throat. The two, Johnny and Matt, looked unsure, but "went along". That was a relief.

"And what were you guys doing?" Matt asked, folding his arms, looking like he was ready to snap any moment. Ahh..

"I asked him how he was, what happened, and helped him catch up with the past month. Nothing much." Zacky said, his tone higher than normal. Oh fuck Zacky, that wa-

"No, that's NOT what you did! Why.. Why is your shirt off?" Matt snapped, pointing at Zacky's t-shirt which he held loosely in his hands.

"I um.. It was warm in here?" he almost asked. Matt had a poker face on, his arms falling to his side in defeat. I barely looked over to the window to see the weather condition.

"Zacky, it's the end of October, and you're cold. Look outside." Matt said, with a not rising nor lowering tone. Zacky froze, and turned around to look outside.

It was raining.. A lot.

He tuned around sheepishly, and shrugged, quickly putting on his t-shirt. Matt was shaking his head and frowning at the two of us, but mainly me. What did I do?!

"Don't play stupid with me. I know.. We know what you two were doing. There's no denying it." Matt growled, stepping forward a bit.

"Matt, I can explain." I said sternly, sitting up, and he stopped, glaring at me. Oh crap how do I explain this..

"Okay, enlighten me, Haner." he said calmly, but bitterly. thoughts raced through my mind, truth? Lie? Fucks sake he knows the truth! There's no way out of this one! How.. how do I tell him I love Zacky? How will he take this?

"Okay.. Should I start from the top, or..?" I asked, referring to before my incident. Matt looked surprised, his face in disgust.

"There's more?!" he gasped. I frowned at him.

"Will I tell you or not?!" I snapped, folding my arms. He nodded, and pulled over a chair from the corner. Johnny leaned against the door frame, and Zee at the end of the bed. He better have his say in this too.

"Okay. So, as we both said, I've liked you for a good amount of time. Same for you. We had our moment outside the studio, and I believe Zacky saw that?" I asked Zacky, already knowing the answer. He nodded for support. I looked at Matt and saw he was gone red.

"What?! He saw me sucking you off?!" he yelled.

"Matt!! Any louder for fucking Timuktoo to hear! No! When you kissed me damnit!" I hissed, and he relaxed, but Johnny looked like he was gonna puke. I glared at him.

"What?" I asked, and he just shook his head. I took it as an opportunity to carry on my story.

"Any ways, Zacky saw that. Some time later I discovered he has feelings for me. I hadn't even realised it before, Matt. We um.. He was here when I woke up today, after God knows how long, and you weren't. I'm not trying to sound harsh, but if you really loved me, wouldn't it have been you who was here instead of Zacky?" I finished, seeing he understood. I couldn't help but feel bad about hurting him, but it was true.

I do love Zacky. Anybody could see it! Even the guys could, I suppose. Through time, all the signs came clear to me. Like I said before, greets me with hugs, smiles, acts different around me than with the guys, everything! Matt? I wasn't too sure. He just seemed like.. Matt. But he was my best friend.. But I feel something more with Zacky.

"So.. This means?" Johnny asked, raising his eyebrows. I sighed in defeat, and had to tell the truth. I looked at Matt sadly, and I think he new the answer too.

"I'm sorry, Matt. But... I love Zacky. It.. It jut didn't feel real. I know this sounds cliche, but there's someone else out there.. Someone better." I said, feeling like I'd killed someone. And boy was it a horrible feeling. He nodded, putting a brave smile on his face.

"I understand... It's good to have you back, by the way." he smiled, patting my back gently. At least he didn't decide to punch me or something worse.

"Good to be back." I corrected, and he chuckled. He turned to leave with Johnny, but Johnny stopped him, turning back.

"Brian? Why didn't you tell us?" he asked curiously. Funny, I already knew what he was talking about.

My heart.

I sat upright, being sure not to strain my heart. Geez, I'm up for a bit and had n medical advice!

"Okay.. I didn't want to tell you, because I didn't want to worry you guys. We.. Already lost Jimmy so soon, and couldn't put that on your shoulders, with the upcoming album. I didn't want, if I did die, for it to be another Nightmare. We don't deserve that, and neither do the fans. I wanted to wait until I was certain something was gonna happen, like, maybe they would tell me I was certain to have a heart attack, I need to stay in hospital for God knows how long. But this came unexpectedly, unfortunately.
But, I'm here, I'm breathing, and I'm loving. I couldn't ask for anything else right now and don't want anything, other than to be alive and be with you guys, until we go grey and old." I say, and smile.

"But.. But we coulda helped you, so you wouldn't be here right now." Zacky said, sounding rather unhappy. I'm alive damnit!!

"That's the point. I didn't wanna be babied around like I'm vulnerable and can't do anything by myself. I came this far!" I replied, thinking they were voting against me.

"Brain, we're your best friends. Of course we're gonna help you, you dumbass." Johnny laughed, making us all join in. At least Johnny knows how to ease tension in an awkward situation.

"I guess we better leave then.. We'll drop by tomorrow, okay? Keep your phone close." Matt told me, arching an eyebrow to be sure I heard. Oh but I did, loud and clear. I waved at them, and they left with all smiles. That was good to see. When the door closed, I turned to Zacky, and he was beaming the brightest smile.

"C'mere.." I said, opening my arms so he could cuddle with me. He didn't hesitate for moment, and crawled into the bed with me, and I wrapped my arms around him warmly.

"Thank you." I whispered to him. He shuffled a little, and looked up at me.

"For what?" he asked dumbfoundely. What?!

"What do you mean?" I asked with a giggle. He did too, and sat up, his face almost touching mine.

"Well, all I did was sit here with you as you recovered. You didn't even know.. So there's no need for thanks." he replied, and sounded a little sad at the last part. Whoa.. Okay.

"Hey, first off, you were the one who was always here everyday for me. What if I woke up and no one I knew was here? What would I have done? Probably tried to escape.." I muttered, and he giggled.

"But yes, you were the one who stood by me for this long, dragging month. Surely, the guys would take turns coming in, but you'd be here anyways before they made it. How do I know? Well, I could hear, and feel. I could hear you on the phone to the guys the odd time, you'd tell me how your day was, sometimes.. You cried. Some days, you were so happy, and I was happy too. You held my hand, but I couldn't hold yours back, but oh how much I needed to.
You, Zacky... You kept me alive. I needed to keep alive so you wouldn't lose faith. I did it, thanks to you. I'm here and alive. It wasn't all the medication, or doctors and nurses. It wasn't the check ups and out of chance, it was you. I should be thanking you." I said softly but truthfully. He didn't reply, so I looked down at him, and saw he had tears in his eyes and his lip shaking.

"Oh, Zee? Zee what's wrong?" I asked, worried about him, and cuddled him closer to me. I could feel him wrap his arms around my neck carefully as I closed my eyes.

"Nothing! I just.. I never knew I m-meant so much to you.. I never knew.." he whimpered, and I was surprised at his response.

"Don't you even realise how much I need you? And don't think that once i don't need you, that I'll leave you, because I have no reason to not love you, and will always need you. You're my reason to live, Zacky." I reassured him, stroking his raven black hair, appreciating the moment.

"Well.. Not until now, no.." he muttered, and I giggled, because I was so happy to have him! he's finally mine. We said nothing else after that. Well, surely we kissed for a while, but sadly he had to leave me. But I was happy knowing I was still here, and I could live up to my highest, with him and the guys by my side.

The doctor came in at some point with good news. That the heart attack was the biggest one, and there shouldn't be really any afterwards. I should just expect sharp pains, and take a breather when I do. Visiting time was over.. It ended at 8:00PM sharp, so Zee had to go now.

"I promise I'll be back tomorrow. keep your phone on you!" he said, making his way out, but quickly kissed my forehead before heading home. I sighed with happiness, and closed my eyes to replay everything that happened today. Ups, downs, but it all evened out in the end. I could feel myself falling asleep, when my phone buzzed, bringing me back to normal. I checked to see my message, seeing it was from Arin.

Hey Brian, so glad to hear you're awake and better. Take your time to get back on your feet c: ~Arin

Hey kid, thanks, I'm doing better :)

That's good! Sorry if I woke you, it's late now. ~Arin

Hey, it's okay, ain't bothered xD

Cool c: Also, heard the news today. Congrats and good luck! :D G'night.

Hehe, thanks! C: Night.

And that's how that went. Arin's a great kid, I'm glad we were responsible and chose him as ours. He's gonna do great in time, I just know it.

"As long as he stays with us, then he will.." I muttered to myself, but just as I got comfy, at the same time I began to feel uncomfortable. The feeling suddenly spread, making me jolt upright and breath heavily.

"What.." was all I could muster up, as I suddenly found it harder to breath.. The same feeling was back again.. In my heart was back. I gasped for air, feeling like I was drowning in invisible water, my breath being sucked outta be carelessly. I could feel myself get weaker, and the pain tearing right through me light a lightening bolt, pinning me down, and I couldn't move a muscle. Then my vision.. Little black dots began to appear right before me.. I tried to blink them away, but it got worse and worse..

I can't die..

but I feel.. I know it's too late to try, for then my sight and feel is gone before me.. I feel lifeless. What's happening to me?!

"Ahhhh!!" I scream, suddenly waking up, sweating. It took me a minute to function, I was in the hospital again. I.. I had a nightmare. It was so realistic though! My heart was racing, so I tried to calm it by breathing normally. It relaxed after a few minutes. Funny, I don't even remember falling asleep at all.

"Might as well try sleep again.." I grumbled, and got comfy on the bed. I miss my one.

*knock knock knock*

I froze, not moving a muscle. My mind was saying "Ghost!" but, it could be a doctor or something. but I didn't want to answer it.

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

Oh my fucking God who is that?! Wait.. Lemme fake being asleep. That way they'll leave and I won't have to answer it. I made it look like I was asleep, my arm hanging off the bed and made realistic snoring sounds. That should do it. A few minutes slipped by slowly, so I stopped snoring and slowly opened my eyes. But..

"Brian... That wasn't a dream.."

I couldn't find my voice, I couldn't say anything. Was this.. Real life?

"You gotta come with me.. Brian? Answer me!!"

I tried to speak.. I could feel my eyes watering, and my hands shaking with fear. I finally plucked up the courage to say something..

"Jimmy.."