Sweet n Salty
My Calling
I want to start a revolution. I want to be up there with the greats, like Claire Wineland, the Frey Life, Mallory Smith, Amy's Life (even though she doesn't have CF or diabetes). I want to be remembered. I know that may sound vain or silly... but I don't want to be forgotten when I'm gone. I don't want my 'legacy' to just live on through the few family and friend(s) that I have. I want to make a name for myself, especially in the Cystic Fibrosis community. Because I have a story to tell and I don't just want for it to fall on deaf ears. I know that I have a purpose in this life, something so much bigger than me... I just don't know what it is yet.
I want to pursue great things... but with the state that my health is in, I'll be lucky if I can even complete community college. Like... kids my sister's age are graduating from college now! And here I am... writing fanfiction on my computer and wishing that I could do more with myself. And that's not to say that I'm not trying... I've definitely started putting more effort, more intention into my life (my therapist would be so proud of me for that). But it just doesn't feel like it's enough, y'know? I've started taking care of the family dog (mainly to prove that I can get a dog of my own), I've been picking up on my sister's tasks since she's recovering from surgery. I'm loading/unloading the dishwasher. I'm working on trying to keep my room cleaner, I'm getting the mail, I'm cleaning the cats' litter boxes a couple of times a week.
But on top of all of that 'mundane' stuff, I'm constantly checking my blood sugars, I'm changing my insulin sites, I'm working on learning about my Continuous Glucose Monitor, I'm counting my carbs, I'm trying to incorporate my sinus rinses more often (though it almost feels like they're hurting, more than they are helping), I'm taking all of my medications, I'm... I'm... I'm doing stuff, instead of letting the depression, and the anxiety, and the grief, and all of the stress consume me. And it is helping, most days...
The past 3 days or so, though, it feels like I'm lying under a heavy, wet, blanket. It's suffocating and pulling me down and I'm scrambling to get out from under it. So this is what I'm doing... I'm going to start writing more. I'm going to start putting myself out there more. And maybe, just maybe... I'll find my calling somewhere along the way.
I want to pursue great things... but with the state that my health is in, I'll be lucky if I can even complete community college. Like... kids my sister's age are graduating from college now! And here I am... writing fanfiction on my computer and wishing that I could do more with myself. And that's not to say that I'm not trying... I've definitely started putting more effort, more intention into my life (my therapist would be so proud of me for that). But it just doesn't feel like it's enough, y'know? I've started taking care of the family dog (mainly to prove that I can get a dog of my own), I've been picking up on my sister's tasks since she's recovering from surgery. I'm loading/unloading the dishwasher. I'm working on trying to keep my room cleaner, I'm getting the mail, I'm cleaning the cats' litter boxes a couple of times a week.
But on top of all of that 'mundane' stuff, I'm constantly checking my blood sugars, I'm changing my insulin sites, I'm working on learning about my Continuous Glucose Monitor, I'm counting my carbs, I'm trying to incorporate my sinus rinses more often (though it almost feels like they're hurting, more than they are helping), I'm taking all of my medications, I'm... I'm... I'm doing stuff, instead of letting the depression, and the anxiety, and the grief, and all of the stress consume me. And it is helping, most days...
The past 3 days or so, though, it feels like I'm lying under a heavy, wet, blanket. It's suffocating and pulling me down and I'm scrambling to get out from under it. So this is what I'm doing... I'm going to start writing more. I'm going to start putting myself out there more. And maybe, just maybe... I'll find my calling somewhere along the way.