Sweet n Salty
Dark Thoughts
Everyone is telling me they don’t have time for me, in one way or another. And I get it. I’m a fucking time vacuum. But it hurts. It hurts because I’m hurting and it’s too much hurt for one person and I just need someone to help me. But I guess they are? Cause they’re hurting too. My illness hurts them. And there’s only so much I can ask of them. And sometimes that’s too much. Mom has her job. That her stupid partners have made incredibly stressful for her. So I only got to see her in the hospital sometimes in the morning and then at night. She was too tired to come to the ER with me. Dad’s not here right now. So it kind of all falls onto my sister, who resents the fuck out of me. And who can blame her? I always ask her and expect her to drop her life at the drop of a hat for me. And if it’s medical, it’s kind of expected (by the family I guess?) that she can’t turn me down. And dad is stressed trying to sell the house out in NC in an allotted period of time.
So everyone is busy and everyone has their own thing going on. So I guess it’s kind of selfish for me to expect them to constantly take care of me. So am I an asshole? I know that I can be. I try not to be. But lately I feel like I’m walking the tightrope with no net. And I’ve had a net my entire life. And I’ve been scared and had to face it by myself. And I think that’s where I am now? But I’m not sure what I’m feeling. Hurt. I feel hurt. And disgusted. With myself. For being needy. For asking until people don’t have anymore to give. And for things that I can acknowledge in my head but I don’t think I can ever say out loud. And I wish that I could walk away from myself. What do you do when you hate someone so much but you are that someone and you can’t walk away? I just want to walk away... WHY THE FUCK CANT I WALK AWAY?!
I’m not going to post this on my regular blog, that I’m sure friends and family read. Hell, I may not post this at all. But I needed to write it. I needed to do anything other than grab my knife. Because I did that a month ago. And I don’t want to go back to that night. I don’t want to be that person. So I’m going to try really hard not to cut. But it would be really fucking satisfying right now. And that breaks my heart. It breaks my heart for the girl inside that’s hurting so much she feels she needs to resort to that. No one should ever feel that way. But I feel that way more than I care to admit.
So everyone is busy and everyone has their own thing going on. So I guess it’s kind of selfish for me to expect them to constantly take care of me. So am I an asshole? I know that I can be. I try not to be. But lately I feel like I’m walking the tightrope with no net. And I’ve had a net my entire life. And I’ve been scared and had to face it by myself. And I think that’s where I am now? But I’m not sure what I’m feeling. Hurt. I feel hurt. And disgusted. With myself. For being needy. For asking until people don’t have anymore to give. And for things that I can acknowledge in my head but I don’t think I can ever say out loud. And I wish that I could walk away from myself. What do you do when you hate someone so much but you are that someone and you can’t walk away? I just want to walk away... WHY THE FUCK CANT I WALK AWAY?!
I’m not going to post this on my regular blog, that I’m sure friends and family read. Hell, I may not post this at all. But I needed to write it. I needed to do anything other than grab my knife. Because I did that a month ago. And I don’t want to go back to that night. I don’t want to be that person. So I’m going to try really hard not to cut. But it would be really fucking satisfying right now. And that breaks my heart. It breaks my heart for the girl inside that’s hurting so much she feels she needs to resort to that. No one should ever feel that way. But I feel that way more than I care to admit.