Sweet n Salty

I’m Angry

Here I am. Back in the ER. This hospital really has become a second home for me. And that’s so fucked up. I can’t stop crying out of frustration. And grief. This is my life. Quoting another CFer: reality always finds us. And this is my reality. I don’t want it to be. You would think that after 26 years, I would get that. I would accept that. I would roll with the punches. Even when they’re hard and to the face. Or in my case, the gut. I’m so sick and tired of HURTING. I’m tired of being scared to eat because it might make my stomach hurt worse, or raise my potassium. My whole life has been centered around eating being s problem for me. Which sucks because I LOVE food. If I couldn’t eat ever again. I don’t think I would really want to keep living. Tasting and smelling are my two most favorite senses. And of course... they’re the ones that are always compromised in one way or another. To say it’s frustrating is a gross understatement.
And there goes my vitals alarm. Because my blood pressure is rising. Because I’m stressed. Duh.
I guess I was doomed to end up here one way or another today. I got a nosebleed this morning. One that took three tissues to stop. I was scared it wasn’t going to let up. I had flashbacks to the last time I hemorrhaged. Luckily it stopped and I thought I was going to be able to make it through my day - go get my blood drawn for tests for the liver doctor, go see my pump educator to see how my numbers are looking, the stop by the mechanic so he could take a look at my radio and tell me why it’s not working or see if he could get it to work. Otherwise I’m diving around (driving myself! In my new car!) with a tiny portable speaker that I set on the dash and sync to my phone.
I realized this is the third time that I’ve come to the hospital and not said goodbye to my babies. And I feel horrible every time. I know they don’t understand why I suddenly go away and am gone for a few days. And that goodbye doesn’t mean anything to them like it does for me. But I’m scared that one day I’m going to go away... and never come back home.
Mallory brought up a major fear of mine... how would my parents’ marriage withstand my death? Would it bind them closer or tear them apart? And what about my sister? Would she grow closer to my parents or would she pull away? I just want my family to stay a whole unit, regardless of what happens to me. Growing up, a reoccurring nightmare I’ve always had is my parents breaking up, moving on with other people. A few years ago that almost happened. I was furious and terrified and hurt. I thought how could their love for me and Allie not be enough to hold the both of them up? The way things turned out, worked out for the best. I think they grew closer than ever. But I still get those nightmares. And nightmares that we move out of my childhood home and live somewhere strange and cold and unfamiliar. I don’t know what that’s all about. Something I should probably unpack with my therapist at some point. If I ever get to see her in the near future. It’s been too long. I have so much grief and anger and stress, especially since I’ve been out of the hospital last time.
It’s kinda fucked up. But part of me hopes that they admit me. I’ll be safe and taken care of and NO MORE PAIN. I mean, of course I’ll miss my family and my kids, and really my bed. But I felt so much better being on the right pain medication, and even the antibiotics helped. My cough has gotten worse since I’ve been out. Lots of drainage from my sinuses I think. Even though my sinuses have been doing pretty good since I’ve been out. Which is kind of strange. But I think the antibiotics played a huge part in it. So I wouldn’t necessarily mind staying here for a few days. But I have a shitty gut feeling that they’re just going to kick me to the curb because they’re not really going to find any definitive reason to keep me. And it makes me angry that that actually bums me out. Like... if a person is in agonizing pain day in and day out, why can’t they keep that person for a little while for pain relief? And maybe SOME investigation into what’s going on and what’s causing the pain. I just... put healthcare system is so fucked up. It makes me so angry.
And I feel hopeless. That I’ve been dealing with this pain for 10 years now and had two major surgeries to try to fix it, and nobody can figure it the fuck out. I DON’T HAVE THAT MANY ORGANS LEFT THAT COULD BE CAUSING THIS PAIN. HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO FIND A DIAGNOSIS!!?!
See? I’m angry.