Girls Like Boys

The more northern we went, the more snow started to accumulate on the sides of streets and road centers. As we turned off the interstate toward home, Ram leaned back and stretched her arms, leaving me to grab the wheel and keep us steady and straight as we funneled into Terre Haute. 

Lazily, she dropped her hand back onto the wheel and flicked the turn signal on, pulling us off of the main road. Charlie’s house was about fifteen miles outside of the city, and we made a detour around it. As the brunt of traffic poured into downtown, we veered west. Charlie’s gravel road was half-hidden between rows and rows of skinny Ash trees. When we’d left, the forest was lush and green, reminiscent of the hot summer we were coming out of. Now they were barren and leafless, their color hinting more at surviving than thriving. Ram slowed almost to a stop as she turned into the snow-covered road. Charlie had obviously tried to clear it, but it was already packed again - reminding me of that fact that Alabama was blessed with a snowless winter.

The mile-long road brought us home, opening up to a clearing in the small forest that surrounded the house. The road curved right and dead-ended into a long-narrow drive that butted up to the front of our home. Someone, Wesley probably, had tacked up our traditional Christmas lights around the windows, and they glowed in alternating bursts of a green and red. 

As Ram pulled up behind Charlie’s truck, I took stock of the house. Our bedroom window was near the right side - the third one in the off-white facade, and the blinds were shut tight. The screened-in porch on the left was lit up too, boasting one of the small Christmas trees that Esther hoarded in the back shed during the rest of the year. I faltered as I moved to grab my bags from the back of the truck. Ram was out without a second thought, but my attention snagged on the closed front door and decorations. 

Yearly, we always picked a day to do our tree. Typically, Ram ran the entire day, leading the rest of us from tree to tree until we found the right one. We spent the rest of the night eating takeout and tossing ornaments onto the branches while Esther set her smaller trees in strategic places. I stepped in Ramsy’s snowy footsteps as she headed inside. As she pulled the screen door open, the glow of Esther’s miniature tree turned the entire porch green, bathing Ram and I in shades of Christmas. The two of us awkwardly stepped into the screened-in porch, maneuvering to get our bags through with us, and Ram set one of hers down to reach for the door knob.

We both looked up as it opened abruptly. Wes grinned at us from the doorway, reaching out to grab Ram’s bag from the ground. “Welcome home,” he said before pivoting into the house. “Cody and Ramsy are home,” he called, peering down through the narrow living room toward the kitchen. Charlie stepped out immediately.

“Welcome back,” he says, stepping through the living room as we came further into the house. It was dimly lit by a single lamp that sat next to the couch. The TV was on and playing quietly, but otherwise the house seemed silent. Charlie moved from Ramsy, whom was closer, to me, and hugged each of us. When I pulled back from my dad, Esther was making her way to Ram.

“How was the drive?” Charlie asked, motioning us further into the house. “Did you miss the snow storm?”

I glanced toward the front yard and the snow that covered the entire thing. “We definitely didn’t miss it in general,” I answered for us, knowing what he meant, but still unable to not point out my distaste for the Indiana winter, “but no, we didn’t get caught in any storms.”

Ram nodded. “It was a pretty easy drive,” she added. “Long, but almost a straight shot here.”

Charlie, Esther, and Wes gave us some space to settle back into our room. They followed us all the way to the kitchen as we maneuvered around to the back hallway and down into our room. I carried my suitcase and backpack and followed Ram, whom had hers as well. Our bedroom door was closed when we walked up, and Ramsy unceremoniously walked right in.

She flipped the light on, and we both stopped and looked at the room. It was as we had left it; light purple walls with matching white bedspreads on beds parallel from each other, oversized wardrobes against the wall, and old posters tacked to the walls. Even though nothing had changed, it felt like entirely different people lived here. I threw my things down onto my bed. Unlike in Alabama, mine was closest to the door.

Ram tossed her things into the center of the room. “By the time we unpack,” she said, “it’ll be time to pack everything back up and leave again.”

I shrugged and reached for the zipper of my suitcase. “We really didn’t even need to bring clothes,” I said, glancing at the closet which was still full of all the items we liked less than what we took with us.

Ram glanced that way too and smiled. “Everything in there is from middle school,” she retorted, shaking her head. “We should’ve thrown it away when we left.”

“That can be our winter break project,” I suggested. I grabbed one of my sweatshirts from the suitcase and slipped it on before pushing the rest of the stuff out of the way and sitting down.

“That’s Travis’s, isn’t it?” Ramsy asked about the hoodie, climbing into her own bed and stretching out on her stomach. “Does he know that we made it home?”

“I haven’t told him,” I said, “so I would assume not.”

Ramsy frowned and propped herself up on her elbow. “You didn’t text him the entire ride,” she said, looking at me across the room. “Are you just taking a break from everything Alabama? You’re going to miss it all more if you pretend it doesn’t exist.”

“Travis is busy,” I retorted, “and we just got home. We don’t have a lot of time here. It’s not fair to Charlie if I’m distracted all the time. Plus, Travis is fine without me, Ram, and I’m fine without him. It’s not like we’ve never been apart.”

“I was just asking,” she replied, climbing up from her bed. “I’m going to go see what Charlie’s making for dinner.” She offered me a half-smile and moved past out of the room. I could tell that she was bothered by my reaction, by the bit of attitude and defensiveness that snuck up between us, but Ramsy didn’t know anything about Travis and me. I hadn’t had the words to speak it out loud after it happened, and I’d barely had a chance to speak to Travis at all.

After the party and the night following, I’d woken up in Travis’s room without him. He and the guys were back down in the pit by midafternoon, and that’s where I found them when I dressed and reemerged. Travis drove me home a bit later, fighting off the awkwardness that settled between us. We didn’t know whether to talk about it or not, but we broke the silence by laughing at each other, unsure of how to react.

Travis got out of the M5 when we pulled up to Tutwiler. He met me at the passenger’s side and pulled me to him, wrapping me up in his arms. “I’m going to fucking miss you, Cody,” he said with his chin on the top of my head, “but I’ll see you in six weeks.”

I pressed my palms against his spine and held onto him, grateful for every bit of who he was. “I wish I didn’t have to go,” I answered, my forehead pressed against his chest. “Not for that long.”

Trav’s hands slid to my shoulders and he pushed me back so I would look at him. He smiled only slightly. “Enjoy the holiday with your dad,” he said, “and you be back here before you know it.”

I nodded and moved back, separating from the dark haired boy. He smiled and leaned back against the M5 as I grabbed my bag from the backseat and hauled it out. He stayed there until I was inside and upstairs, and the image of him – black joggers with zippers at the ankles, and a burnt orange hoodie beneath a black bomber hoodie – stayed with me for the entire trip back home. I didn’t know how to tell Ramsy, two days later, what had happened between us. To me, it had meant something, but not what she would believe it did. Nothing had changed between me and Travis.

“Are you going to hide out in here or come get some dinner?”

My head whipped to Esther, whom stood in the hallway just outside my room. I’d seen her two weeks ago at Thanksgiving, but this was the first time in five months that I’d seen her at home like when everything used to revolve around this house. She looked the same – same wispy graying hair pulled back into a hair tie, same strong looks and knowing glances, same spitfire personality that made the rest of us do what we were supposed to.

I jumped out of bed and stuck my phone into the pocket of my jeans. “Yeah, sorry,” I said as I swerved past her in the hall. “I was just settling back in.”

Esther followed me down the narrow hall to the small kitchen where we ate all our meals together. Wes and Ram were already seated at the table, and I joined them, making a beeline for my usual seat. Charlie stood at the counter next to the stove, and Esther moved to the cupboards above the sink to grab dishes. She handed me the plates, and I took one and passed them down.

The rest of the break was a lot of the same. It was like we dropped back into our routine. We had all three meals together and spent most of our time in the house. At this time of year, Charlie didn’t work much due to the snow, so we spent a lot of time watching movies together on the couch. After a week of being home and a week before Christmas, we finally decided that we couldn’t ignore the fact that we didn’t have a large Christmas tree. Seven of Esther’s mini trees were planted around the house, but it felt morose and somber not to get a real one again this year.

Like usual, Esther stayed home when the rest of us piled into the truck. Charlie drove without complaint from any of us. It started snowing a day before and hadn’t let up since. The roads were slick and icy, and visibility was practically nothing. The fifteen mile drive back to the city was filled with snow and nothing else. When we finally pulled to a stop in the parking lot of a grocery store, we were all a bit relieved to be on plowed ground.

I jumped out of the truck and landed in the sludge. Ram and Wesley followed behind me, all of us facing the direction of the picket fence that was set up in the middle of the lot. The rectangular space was lit by white Christmas lights dangling from wires overhead and filled with all kinds and sizes of trees. The shades of the trees varied from jade and Kelly green, to hunter and Brunswick like the color of Trav’s eyes.

Ramsy led the rest of us around the makeshift tree shop, pointing out the best and more vibrant ones that she thought might live the longest. Charlie noted that it really only had to survive the week, seeing as we’d procrastinated this long, but Ramsy ignored him and went back to her usual checklist. It only took about twenty minutes for Wes, Ram, and I to collectively decide on a tree. I had the feeling that neither Wes or me really cared much about which one, as long as there was one in the back of the truck when we left.

By the time the holiday finally rolled around a week later, the tree was completely decorated and the gifts had emerged from their hiding places and sat beneath. Ram and I hadn’t had much of a chance to sneak out and get gifts between then and when we got back, but we’d snuck presents home in our suitcases since we knew Charlie wouldn’t let us out of his sight. We opened presents in the morning and then had an early dinner since Wesley had to open the bar in time for their holiday festivities. I got a few texts in the afternoon from Alabama wishing me a Merry Christmas.

The last two weeks had given us the most space we ever had, and it was almost foreign when we didn’t speak every day. But Travis, without the struggle of the snow we faced here, was racing more and more during the break. I heard from Shay and Erick that he was running almost every couple of days now, and with them when he wasn’t, trying to get the cars ready to race or sell out to someone else. We texted here and there, but we’d never been big on phone conversations. Travis hated it, and I could tell. When Christmas rolled around, we’d gone almost a week without contact, and I felt like every text was an interruption. Christmas was almost over when Trav’s texts came through.

Racing tomorrow. Wish you could come.

Merry Christmas btw.

I rolled over in bed and glanced to Ram. She was already asleep, facing me. Beyond her, the window flashed green and red from the lights hanging off the house. They were even brighter as they glinted off the snow. I turned back to the other side and lessened the brightness on my phone.

Wish you could come here, I answered, watching his typing bubble pop up and disappear. I think you would like the snow.

I watched as Travis’s face lit up my screen, and I immediately answered the FaceTime call. I whispered a quick hello and grabbed my hoodie from the floor, moving out of the room and down the hall as I turned the sound down and passed my grandma’s room.

“What are you doing?” Travis asked, tilting his head as he tried to catch on. “It’s fucking dark there, Cody. Turn a light on.”

I grinned at him, the phone glowing just enough to light up my face, and rounded through the kitchen into the living room. As I went, I passed four of Esther’s mini trees which threw all sorts of colors onto me and the walls. I answered Travis as I stepped through the living room and out onto the screen porch. The fifth of Esther’s trees sat perched on a side table, and I climbed into an oversized chair. “Sorry,” I spoke, curling my feet under me. “Ram and everyone are sleeping.”

I turned the phone around so I could see him better, and looked at the space around him. “Are you in the tub?” I questioned, frowning at him. Behind him, I could see the edge of his bathtub and a can of soda sitting there behind his shoulder.

“Yeah,” he answered, sliding down so that he was laying back.

“Why?” I asked. “You’re running tomorrow, not tonight.”

Trav shrugged, wrinkling the cotton t’shirt that was too big on him. “I just needed a break,” he said, looking past the phone. I knew that he was looking toward the window in his bedroom that overlooked the pit.

“Is everyone gone for the night?”

He nodded slowly. “Except Erick,” Trav replied, reaching for something in front of him. When he leaned back again, he had a cigarette between his fingers. I watched as he angled the phone against his lap and lit it, smiling slightly down at me. As he exhaled, he said, “It’s actually kind of cool having Erick here though. He keeps Benji busy for the majority of the time.”

I laughed, turning my head into my shoulder to keep quiet. I watched Travis smile too, and watched the stress and nerves fall back into him. “Are you okay?” I asked, leaning back against the wicker chair.

Trav shrugged, looking at the phone with a fatigued expression. “It’s just been a lot lately. Without class, the place has been full every day.”

“I thought you were the one who invited everyone there,” I answered. “Y’know, to work on the cars so you could race more over break.” I glanced up as a light turned on in the living room behind me. Through the front windows and gauzy curtains, I saw Charlie emerge from the kitchen, scanning the room.

“Yeah, it’s been fun,” Travis said, “but it gets to me sometimes too. There’s been a lot of pressure from everyone to race a ton lately, and I think I need to just slow down… Cody is everything okay?”

I looked back to him and the phone, nodding just as Charlie pushed the front door open and slid out between the door and the frame. “What are you doing out here?” he questioned, glancing from me to the phone. “It’s cold and late. You’re going to get sick.”

Travis quieted at the sound of Charlie’s voice, and I turned the phone away slightly. “I’m fine,” I said with a shrug. “I’ll be in in a few minutes.”

Charlie frowned, eyes narrowing in on the cell. “Who’re you talking to this late?” he questioned, stepping further out onto the porch. “It’s almost one am.”

I sighed. “Travis,” I said, angling the phone back so Charlie could see. Travis quickly dropped the cigarette out of the frame and put a smile on his face.

“Hey, Mr. Carrigan,” he said, shifting so that he was sitting up in the bathtub rather than laying. “Merry Christmas.”

Charlie’s frown deepened – whether at the tub, or the smoke, or Travis in general, I wasn’t sure – and he turned his attention back to me. “Five more minutes,” he said, nodding off the porch to the snow and the darkness. “You’re going to be pissed off when you get sick.”

I nodded and watched until he disappeared back into the house. He left the living room light on when he went. I slouched back down in my black wicker chair and rolled my head to look at Travis.

“Charlie seemed more talkative than usual,” he joked, grabbing for the pop behind him. “He barely even ignored me this time.”

“He’s in the holiday spirit,” I answered, resting my arm on my knees as I held the phone. “How was your dad today? I wish I could’ve wished him a happy holiday.”

“I passed it along,” Trav said, grinning at me. “He told me to tell you the same and that he can’t wait until you’re back in the city again keeping me out of trouble.”

I laughed loudly, grinning too. “I don’t think I could keep you out of trouble if I tried,” I replied. “Your dad ought to know that by now.”

Trav shook his head lightly. “He thinks you hung the moon. If you told him that you got me to quit racing, he’d beg you to let him adopt you.”

“That’s a pipe dream,” I retorted. “You might need breaks here and there, but I can’t see you ever quitting completely. You love it.”

“I love the cars,” Trav answered, tone light, “and I love the feel of racing, but we were almost busted again last week. Cam had us out two nights in a row in the same place. Think about how my dad would’ve taken it if I was arrested right before Christmas.”

I shook off the chill and leaned into the arm rest. “But you weren’t, Trav,” I said. “You’re right though, maybe it is time for you to take a break. Let everything calm down. Everyone will be fine. It’s not like they can’t race without you.”

He didn’t answer right away, and I watched as his head lulled back against the tub and his eyes closed. He was still frowning. “Were you serious about wanting me to come up there?” he asked without looking at me. “Because I could. I could drive up in the M5, and we could hangout for a couple days.”

“My grandma would eat you alive,” I answered. “There’s no way Esther or Charlie would let you stay here. And Charlie would mope around the house the entire break.”

Travis scoffed, eyes popping open. “I could stay at a hotel,” he said. “They can’t do anything if I just happen to decide to visit Terre Haute. Are they going to keep you locked in the house the entire three weeks that’re left of break?”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “You’re serious?”

Trav grinned. “I have to experience snow sometime in my life, don’t I? When am I going to get another chance like this?”

I sat up straight on the edge of my chair. “When would you come?” I questioned. “And what would we even do? There’s nothing here except the university. It’s not like Tuscaloosa.”

Trav shrugged. “I’m sure we’ll find something to do. It’s not like we run around here anyway.”

I jumped as the living room light flashed of then on again, and I caught sight of Charlie making his way back to me. “I’ve got to go,” I said to Travis, nodding eagerly. “I’ll text you.” I hung up the call before he could say anything else, and jumped up from my spot. I stepped inside just as Charlie reached the doorway, and smiled at him. “Night, Dad.”

“Code, wait,” Charlie said, reaching out to touch my shoulder. “Can we talk?”

I frowned, but turned back to my dad. He nodded toward the couch, and I led the way to it. “What’s up?” I asked, pulling the blanket off the back of the sofa and wrapping it around myself.

Charlie angled himself toward me, still frowning. “I’m real proud of you,” he said, looking at the floor, “and your sister too. You know that, right?”

I nodded easily. “Yeah, of course.”

He sighed and nodded too. “Good,” he said, “I’m glad. I just wanted to make sure, because I know I’m hard on the both of you, and grandma’s even harder, but we’re both proud of you girls. Even though I don’t like it, it takes a lot of guts to move so far away.”

I slid closer to Charlie, and he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. “I missed you,” I said honestly, resting my head against him. “It’s nice to be able to come home for a while.”

Charlie nodded with his chin brushing against the top of my head. “I’m going to hate it when you leave,” he said. “It’s real different without the two of you around here. Your brother rules the roost, which none of us were prepared for.”

I chuckled, imaging Wesley running around like a tyrant, reveling in his own attention. Sometimes I felt like Wes got put on the back burner just because Ram and I took up so much space. When we all got older, everything always seemed to revolve around the two of us. I hadn’t thought about how that changed when we left and Wes stayed. Despite all the other difficulties, it was good that Wes finally got the attention he deserved.

I climbed up off the couch and tossed the blanket to the back. “I’m gonna go to sleep,” I said to my dad, “but I’ll see you in the morning.”

Charlie nodded. “I was thinking we could go out for breakfast,” he said, pushing himself up as well. “You three can decide where amongst yourself in the morning.”

“That sounds nice,” I said. The two of us headed into the kitchen. Charlie’s bedroom door was directly off the kitchen, behind the dining table. He headed that way as I turned right into the narrow hallway. Wesley’s room was right there to the left, and Esther’s to the right. I padded down to the last door and stepped into the green and red alternating glow of mine and Ramsy’s bedroom.

She was still asleep, tangled up in her blankets and facing the other way. I climbed into my own bed and plugged my phone into the charger. The screen lit up, and I caught sight of Travis’s text.

I’m coming next week, it said. See you then.