Shatter.
Enchanted.
She enchanted me.
From that very first blissful evanescence moment when our eyes caught, I knew I was to be hers as she would be mine. But that moment seemed so distant. I still cared for her, of course, but I felt like things were different. In a good way, in a bad way… I wasn’t exactly sure. There were mixed emotions, warring thoughts on the topic, that kept me from making the decision. That is, it kept me from the making the decision until we got into another fight. Thinking about it now, I can’t remember what petty, trivial topic this spat was about but I knew it was blown out of proportion, as per usual. Maybe I shouldn’t have made the decision under the emotional tension she and I were under at the time, but I said it anyway.
“I don’t want this anymore.”
Her expressed changed on a whim and I barely caught a glimpse of the emotions that flooded her eyes before she was quickly guarded. She opened her mouth briefly, shutting it again. She did this once or twice more, like the words she wanted to say avoid leaving her tongue. I couldn’t tell if she was trying to come up with a quick comeback or if I’d really caught her off guard. And how was she going to take it? Would she be mad? Would she cry? I hated when she cried.
“What do you mean? What’s ‘this’?”
I grumbled, running my hand through my hair, a nervous habit. What did I mean? She already knew, the look on her face told me that much. But she wanted me to come out and say it. That’s always what she wanted, to hear exactly what I meant even when she already knew. My brain was screaming – “What are you doing, you idiot!” I wasn’t sure what the question was about; I was too conflicted to know. What was I doing? I swallowed hard.
“This. Us. The fighting and arguing. The stupidity. It’s nothing but a headache.”
I glanced up at her and felt a small pang of guilt at the sight of her brimming eyes. The screaming part of me got louder but I pushed it back and ignored it. I looked away, focusing on my hands, on the wall in front of me, on anything but her; if I looked at her again, I was liable to break down and give in. I never wanted to hurt her; it broke my heart to do that. But I had to do this. It was what was best for me. Wasn’t it?
“What do you-? Why-? I mean…”
Her voice cracked at every attempt and I caught her grimace from the corner of my eye, and that only worsened how I felt. But I’d already said it, it was already done. I couldn’t back out now. I knew what I needed, what I wanted, and what was best for me. Didn’t I?
“I’m just not happy. Maybe it’s where I am in my life. Maybe it’s us, I don’t know.”
Did my mumbling give away my partial distaste for what was being said? It was uncomfortable, I wanted to run and hide from it. I wanted to put a chrysalis around her so she didn’t have to feel the hurt I knew I was putting her though. I didn’t want to feel the guilt that chewed at me now and would eventually gnaw at my mind. I didn’t want to know that it was my fault and that I could end it whenever I wanted.
“What can I do? Whatever it is, I’m sorry! Really, truly! I-I can change.”
I couldn’t bear to look at her. I just turned my face from her to hide my grimace. I missed the days early in our relationship when she’d fight back. It made it easy for me to get mad and not like her when she was mad and bitter and used her tongue as a weapon. But I’d made the mistake of telling her I didn’t like that about her. Was it a mistake to tell her?
“It’s not you. I don’t know, maybe it is… Maybe I’m just not into you anymore. You’re manipulative and controlling… Petty, bossy…”
She looked at me, bewildered. I knew I was over-exaggerating her flaws and I’m sure she knew it too. I knew it would hurt her deeper than anything else I had said or done, to point out her flaws, but I knew it would push her away.
“It’s like I can’t have my own opinion if it’s not the same as yours. You’re clingy. It’s unattractive. This is unattractive, you acting like an eight-year-old. It’s pathetic.”
The hurt in her eyes was more than I thought possible. I could tell she wanted to fight back, but then it was like a revelation smacked her in the face and she hung her head with eyes downcast. I’m sure that’s what it felt like, hearing many similar things she’d heard in the past, and now she was hearing them from me. Shit, I knew this would happen but I didn’t think the guilt would be this bad... At the time, I didn’t think of it being to her like I was confirming things she’d been told her whole life, things she feared. I thought of it as me speaking my thoughts, justifying my actions. And thinking of it like that didn’t seem so wrong.
She didn’t say another word and I wish I knew what she was thinking. But I wouldn’t get a word out of her; I knew I’d struck a nerve that caused her to shut off completely. I’d done it enough times to know exactly how and when it was done. She’d just sit there with her eyes cast downward, tears spotting her shirt and jeans, as I said whatever came to mind. So I did.
“If we’d met later, I don’t know, maybe things would be better. Maybe we can try again later in our lives. I just need a break. I need to think, get back on my feet.”
She didn’t move an inch but her posture seemed to show hope. I swallowed the lump in my throat as emotions fought and thoughts tore at each other; this was agonizing. This was what I wanted, and it was what I didn’t want. Being with her was wrong, being without her was wrong. Nothing felt right, and that was frustrating and uncomfortable. I rubbed the back of my neck, growling at the inner quarrel.
She sniffled and her hand moved to hear face, wiping the tears.
“So, does this mean that we’re… That we…”
She struggled a minute before going silent, taking a deep breath.
“We’re done? Over? Broken up?”
I didn’t want to answer. I didn’t like the answer any more than she did and I wanted to disappear from the situation, hide from it. I didn’t like what I was feeling, what I was making her feel… It was too much. But, finally, after a long silence and me mentally kicking myself, I nodded with a quiet, “Yeah.”
She slowly and reluctantly grabbed her things and stood up, giving me a languid look. The normally incandescent look in her eyes was dull and guarded, but the tears that escaped her lids and ran down her cheeks were a dead give away. She looked like she wanted to say something, but her lips stayed pursed in a form I knew meant she was surely chewing on her lip, a nervous habit of her own. I couldn’t stand knowing she was like this because of me and it took everything I had to keep my own eyes from overflowing.
“Is this really what you want?”
“No, baby, I’m sorry, I don’t mean any of it,” my brain screamed in agony as it tried to force the words to leave my mouth; I was unable to bear knowing this was in the state it was because of me. It was and it wasn’t something I meant, so I wasn’t completely lying to her when I gave a vacant nod, avoiding eye contact… But whether I was lying to her or not came as no comfort. I shifted my eyes toward her again briefly before dodging them away as a single tear escaped.
She gently reached her hand out to stroke my cheek, wiping away the stray tear in the process. It pained me to think this could be the last time I felt her soft, sweet skin against mine. She leaned down and pressed her soft lips against my cheek; they were moist from her own tears. She pulled back, hand still on my face, and took a quiet but shaky breath.
“I’ll always love you. Now and forever.”
And that was it. Her parting words weren’t angry or mean, but they hurt more than anything that stemmed from the two ever possibly could. She slowly pulled her hand away, letting it drop at her side as she walked away. Her usually lithe movement was too desultory, though she tried to keep from looking completely defeated. Watching her walk away was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I wish she’d have hurt me back, in spite and revenge, but she just took it and tried to repair it; all I did was tell her I didn’t want her and hurt her more than necessary. What was worse was that I wanted to run up and scoop her in a protective hug, wanting to end her heartbreak and tell her I was sorry.
I wanted her.
She enchanted me.
From that very first blissful evanescence moment when our eyes caught, I knew I was to be hers as she would be mine. But that moment seemed so distant. I still cared for her, of course, but I felt like things were different. In a good way, in a bad way… I wasn’t exactly sure. There were mixed emotions, warring thoughts on the topic, that kept me from making the decision. That is, it kept me from the making the decision until we got into another fight. Thinking about it now, I can’t remember what petty, trivial topic this spat was about but I knew it was blown out of proportion, as per usual. Maybe I shouldn’t have made the decision under the emotional tension she and I were under at the time, but I said it anyway.
“I don’t want this anymore.”
Her expressed changed on a whim and I barely caught a glimpse of the emotions that flooded her eyes before she was quickly guarded. She opened her mouth briefly, shutting it again. She did this once or twice more, like the words she wanted to say avoid leaving her tongue. I couldn’t tell if she was trying to come up with a quick comeback or if I’d really caught her off guard. And how was she going to take it? Would she be mad? Would she cry? I hated when she cried.
“What do you mean? What’s ‘this’?”
I grumbled, running my hand through my hair, a nervous habit. What did I mean? She already knew, the look on her face told me that much. But she wanted me to come out and say it. That’s always what she wanted, to hear exactly what I meant even when she already knew. My brain was screaming – “What are you doing, you idiot!” I wasn’t sure what the question was about; I was too conflicted to know. What was I doing? I swallowed hard.
“This. Us. The fighting and arguing. The stupidity. It’s nothing but a headache.”
I glanced up at her and felt a small pang of guilt at the sight of her brimming eyes. The screaming part of me got louder but I pushed it back and ignored it. I looked away, focusing on my hands, on the wall in front of me, on anything but her; if I looked at her again, I was liable to break down and give in. I never wanted to hurt her; it broke my heart to do that. But I had to do this. It was what was best for me. Wasn’t it?
“What do you-? Why-? I mean…”
Her voice cracked at every attempt and I caught her grimace from the corner of my eye, and that only worsened how I felt. But I’d already said it, it was already done. I couldn’t back out now. I knew what I needed, what I wanted, and what was best for me. Didn’t I?
“I’m just not happy. Maybe it’s where I am in my life. Maybe it’s us, I don’t know.”
Did my mumbling give away my partial distaste for what was being said? It was uncomfortable, I wanted to run and hide from it. I wanted to put a chrysalis around her so she didn’t have to feel the hurt I knew I was putting her though. I didn’t want to feel the guilt that chewed at me now and would eventually gnaw at my mind. I didn’t want to know that it was my fault and that I could end it whenever I wanted.
“What can I do? Whatever it is, I’m sorry! Really, truly! I-I can change.”
I couldn’t bear to look at her. I just turned my face from her to hide my grimace. I missed the days early in our relationship when she’d fight back. It made it easy for me to get mad and not like her when she was mad and bitter and used her tongue as a weapon. But I’d made the mistake of telling her I didn’t like that about her. Was it a mistake to tell her?
“It’s not you. I don’t know, maybe it is… Maybe I’m just not into you anymore. You’re manipulative and controlling… Petty, bossy…”
She looked at me, bewildered. I knew I was over-exaggerating her flaws and I’m sure she knew it too. I knew it would hurt her deeper than anything else I had said or done, to point out her flaws, but I knew it would push her away.
“It’s like I can’t have my own opinion if it’s not the same as yours. You’re clingy. It’s unattractive. This is unattractive, you acting like an eight-year-old. It’s pathetic.”
The hurt in her eyes was more than I thought possible. I could tell she wanted to fight back, but then it was like a revelation smacked her in the face and she hung her head with eyes downcast. I’m sure that’s what it felt like, hearing many similar things she’d heard in the past, and now she was hearing them from me. Shit, I knew this would happen but I didn’t think the guilt would be this bad... At the time, I didn’t think of it being to her like I was confirming things she’d been told her whole life, things she feared. I thought of it as me speaking my thoughts, justifying my actions. And thinking of it like that didn’t seem so wrong.
She didn’t say another word and I wish I knew what she was thinking. But I wouldn’t get a word out of her; I knew I’d struck a nerve that caused her to shut off completely. I’d done it enough times to know exactly how and when it was done. She’d just sit there with her eyes cast downward, tears spotting her shirt and jeans, as I said whatever came to mind. So I did.
“If we’d met later, I don’t know, maybe things would be better. Maybe we can try again later in our lives. I just need a break. I need to think, get back on my feet.”
She didn’t move an inch but her posture seemed to show hope. I swallowed the lump in my throat as emotions fought and thoughts tore at each other; this was agonizing. This was what I wanted, and it was what I didn’t want. Being with her was wrong, being without her was wrong. Nothing felt right, and that was frustrating and uncomfortable. I rubbed the back of my neck, growling at the inner quarrel.
She sniffled and her hand moved to hear face, wiping the tears.
“So, does this mean that we’re… That we…”
She struggled a minute before going silent, taking a deep breath.
“We’re done? Over? Broken up?”
I didn’t want to answer. I didn’t like the answer any more than she did and I wanted to disappear from the situation, hide from it. I didn’t like what I was feeling, what I was making her feel… It was too much. But, finally, after a long silence and me mentally kicking myself, I nodded with a quiet, “Yeah.”
She slowly and reluctantly grabbed her things and stood up, giving me a languid look. The normally incandescent look in her eyes was dull and guarded, but the tears that escaped her lids and ran down her cheeks were a dead give away. She looked like she wanted to say something, but her lips stayed pursed in a form I knew meant she was surely chewing on her lip, a nervous habit of her own. I couldn’t stand knowing she was like this because of me and it took everything I had to keep my own eyes from overflowing.
“Is this really what you want?”
“No, baby, I’m sorry, I don’t mean any of it,” my brain screamed in agony as it tried to force the words to leave my mouth; I was unable to bear knowing this was in the state it was because of me. It was and it wasn’t something I meant, so I wasn’t completely lying to her when I gave a vacant nod, avoiding eye contact… But whether I was lying to her or not came as no comfort. I shifted my eyes toward her again briefly before dodging them away as a single tear escaped.
She gently reached her hand out to stroke my cheek, wiping away the stray tear in the process. It pained me to think this could be the last time I felt her soft, sweet skin against mine. She leaned down and pressed her soft lips against my cheek; they were moist from her own tears. She pulled back, hand still on my face, and took a quiet but shaky breath.
“I’ll always love you. Now and forever.”
And that was it. Her parting words weren’t angry or mean, but they hurt more than anything that stemmed from the two ever possibly could. She slowly pulled her hand away, letting it drop at her side as she walked away. Her usually lithe movement was too desultory, though she tried to keep from looking completely defeated. Watching her walk away was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I wish she’d have hurt me back, in spite and revenge, but she just took it and tried to repair it; all I did was tell her I didn’t want her and hurt her more than necessary. What was worse was that I wanted to run up and scoop her in a protective hug, wanting to end her heartbreak and tell her I was sorry.
I wanted her.
She enchanted me.