Breaking Free

I was walking down the stairs of Rolfe Hall, feeling the eyes of every single person that walked by. I stared at the ground as I walked, ready to bolt for a hiding spot. I couldn’t get to my dorm room fast enough.

By the time I got to the dorm, there were knots in my stomach. I didn’t want to face my roommate. How could I? I knocked on the door, but thankfully she didn’t answer. I fished my key out of my backpack and found that she hadn’t answered because she wasn’t there. There was a note on my pillow that read, ’Went home for the weekend. See ya on Sunday night.’ I grabbed the note, crinkled it up and threw it into the nearby trash bin.

My cell phone vibrated. I ignored it. I paced my dorm room for about fifteen minutes before I sat on the edge of my bed. I shouldn’t be alone, I thought as I stared at the ceiling. Who knows how long I sat there. Could have been an hour, could have been two, could have been ten minutes. Eventually I moved, sliding down to the floor. From my position on the floor I had a clear view of my dorm room mirror. I stared at my reflection. My left eye was swollen, bruised blue, purple and green. There were two cuts along my jaw line, about two inches long. I might have stared at my reflection for as long as I stared at the ceiling. Could have been an hour, could have been two, could have been ten minutes, could have been an entire lifetime.

I crawled over to the door, reached upward and flipped the light off. I couldn’t look at that girl in the mirror any longer. She wasn’t me. She wasn’t Alessa Jane Gibson. I stayed on the floor, cross-legged and sat against the door, pressing my back against it so firmly I could have fallen through, right into the hallway. It was Friday night and I didn’t want to do anything but sit in my door room and pretend last night didn’t happen. My phone vibrated again. I ignored it.

After a while I leaned over and grabbed the edges of my comforter and pulled it right off of my twin size bed and onto the floor with me. I was cold, miserably cold. In a few short hours I lost all hope and found the brutal truth. I bit my lip, fighting tears. I would not cry over this. I would not. Don’t you fucking dare, I told myself. Do not. But I did. I cried for everything I lost, everything that changed, everything that would be, everything that wouldn’t be. My phone vibrated again. And once more. I ignored it. But then it vibrated again and again and again.

I stood up and walked over to my backpack. I grabbed the white iPhone out of the front pocket and saw Jimmy’s name and photo on the screen. He texted me three times. I guess he decided to call since I wasn’t responding. Even then, I ignored it and let it go straight to voicemail. My phone continued to vibrate, notifying me of the incoming phone call for the next fifteen minutes. He just kept calling.

When he didn’t instantly call me back I decided to read his text messages.

Jimmy: Please call me. I need to talk to you.

Jimmy: C’mon, Less. Call me.

Jimmy: I heard, okay? What happened?

Jimmy: I know you’re there. Your car’s in the parking lot. I’m walking up.

The muscles in my stomach and shoulders were clenching harder than they ever had before. Jimmy was coming. I didn’t want to see Jimmy. He would make me talk. He had this skill of making you feel so comfortable you would open up and admit your darkest, deepest secrets. Everything would come pouring out and before you knew it, you had nothing left, while he had it all. If I told Jimmy it would make it real. I would be saying goodbye to one girl and hello to a girl with a boyfriend who hit her.

I jumped when someone knocked at the door. “Who is it?” I asked so quietly I wasn’t sure if they would be able to hear me or not. I checked my reflection in the mirror and spent a few seconds debating on grabbing my foundation and concealer to try and hide the bruises.

“Less,” Jimmy called. “Less, it’s me. Open the door. Please?”

I placed my fingers on the deadbolt, but didn’t turn it. After a few long seconds I moved my hand to the left and stepped away from the door.

Jimmy stepped into the dorm room and closed the door behind him. I pulled at my sleeves, trying to cover my arms, but I was wearing a short sleeve T-shirt and they didn’t do me any good. We were still in the dark so Jimmy couldn’t see my face. He stared, squinting, trying to make me out.

“What happened?” he whispered.

“It was nothing,” I lied. “Sara and I were coming home late last night from Edison and I fell going up the stairs. I hit my face on the concrete.” I laughed as I opened the mini fridge and grabbed a cold bottle of water. “Do you want a beer?”

Jimmy nodded. I grabbed one from the fridge and handed it over to him. He stood beside my bed. “Were you… sleeping?” he asked, staring at my comforter; which was still on the floor.

“No…”

“Then why were you sitting in the dark? Turning into a vampire?”

“I have a headache.” Which was the truth. My head and jaw were still pulsing.

“A headache?”

I nodded.

He turned around and flipped the light switch. I winced as the light filled the entire dorm room. He stared at my face, wide-eyed, with his mouth slightly open. This is what I wanted to avoid. I didn’t want him to stare at me like everyone else had throughout the day.

“Tell me the truth,” he said, and I realized I was holding my breath, bracing myself for what was coming next.

Jimmy was not someone I could lie to. He was my best friend, my confidant, my ride or die. I stared at the floor, desperate to disappear right into it and be saved from… well, everything.

“Tell me what happened,” he sighed as he crossed his arms over his chest. I clamped my lips together so tight it hurt. “Fuck, Alessa,” he spat. “Why are you keeping this from me?”

Because Jimmy and I both knew what he would do to Matt if he found out the truth. And I was trying to avoid even more chaos.

“He thinks I cheated on him,” I whispered, looking at my feet.

“Mother fucker,” he hissed. “That lousy bastard.” He ran his fingers through his black hair. I looked up at him. His eyes traveled down my arms and legs. “Did he hit you anywhere else?”

This wasn’t the first time this happened. But I wasn’t telling Jimmy. I was only going to tell him what happened this time. Jimmy grabbed my wrist and looked at the back of my arms. “I fell,” I lied. “He grabbed me so I wouldn’t fall… but I yanked and I fell backwards.”

“He is the one who is about to hit the fucking ground,” he growled like a dog, warning a stranger to take a step back. “Why would he think that?”

“People talk, Jimmy.”

“People talk?” he asked. “Alessa, you’re either with Matt or you’re with…” Realization crossed over his face. He understood his words before he even had to ask. “Oh…”

I nodded. “I guess someone told him that they saw you leaving my dorm at all hours of the night and he started to assume the worst…”

“What exactly happened?” Jimmy moved onto my bed, sitting beside me. It was hard for the two of us to sit comfortably on my bed.

“He picked me up last night and we went to dinner. When we got back to the dorms, his dorm, everything was fine and then he just sort of flipped the switch on me,” I said as I picked the cuticle skin on my right thumb. “We started arguing and he told me that he knew what I was doing. That I was a whore and a bitch and he couldn’t trust me anymore.” I bit my lip, trying to find the strength to let the words out. “I saw his fist coming and it hit me right over my left eye, sending a flurry of stars and colors across my vision. It happened so fast, I couldn’t move.”

Jimmy placed his hand on my bare knee. “I’m so sorry, Less,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry. I never should’ve let this happen. This is my fault.”

“Your fault? How?”

“I should’ve protected you. I should’ve…” he frowned. “I don’t know, babe. I don’t know what I could’ve done. But I feel terrible.”

I grabbed Jimmy’s hand, linking my fingers with his. “It’s okay…”

Even though everything wasn’t okay, it felt a little more okay with Jimmy by my side. I squeezed his hand and leaned against his left side, my other side slowly pressing against the wall.

“I’m honestly a little surprised that you went to classes,” he admitted.

“Me too… I think a part of me just wanted someone to find out… So that I wouldn’t have to say it aloud.”

“Understandable,” Jimmy said as he pulled me against him. “What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.”

“You can’t stay with him.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do. I haven’t thought about that part, Jimmy.”

Jimmy let go of my hand and stared at me. “He HIT you! You can’t be with someone who hits you! I won’t allow it!”

I stared at Jimmy for barely a second before I glared. “Excuse me?” I asked as I moved away from him. “Allow it? You’re not my father or my brother… You don’t have a say in who I choose to date!”

He laughed. “Seriously? Wow… I have to go.” Jimmy moved off of my bed, shaking his head and mumbling under his breath. Without another word he stepped into the hallway. I followed him.

“Jimmy!” I shouted. “What the hell?” Several people turned to look at us. They were just stragglers, headed home for the weekend or getting ready for a party somewhere on campus. Two girls turned and looked right at me. “What?” I yelled at them. “Are you going to go tell Matt?” Both of the girls instantly looked away and stepped into the closest dorm room.

Jimmy didn’t turn around. He just kept walking. I covered my mouth with my hand, fighting tears and I walked into my own room. I slammed the door behind me and collapsed onto my bed. Jimmy was supposed to make this easier, not more difficult. I understood his opinion and his point of view, but he didn’t have a right to tell me who I could or couldn’t have in my life. Matt being Jimmy’s best friend made everything worse.