Sweethearts

Gerard wasn’t sure what to do with what Kris had told him. He spent hours that night dissecting every moment he’d been with Kris, searching for clues that might’ve led her to believe he was gay. On the one hand, he had never really flirted with her but that was because he was shy. He had avoided talking to her because he didn’t want to embarrass himself. In fact, that’s why he avoided most people. The only person he never felt embarrassed in front of was Frank.

As the sun started to come up, Gerard watching it from his window, it occurred to him that maybe he wasn’t the only culprit. Frank was a very affectionate person and it was entirely possible that Kris had noticed this and perceived it as Frank being in love with him. Could it be possible that Frank actually was in love with him?

No, he told himself almost immediately. Even if Frank was gay – and, since he hadn’t dated in a very long time, seemed like a very real possibility – he would never fall in love with someone like Gerard. Gerard was timid and clumsy and chubby. Frank was adventurous, brave and beautiful.

“Is it thoughts like that?” Gerard asked aloud, although his studio apartment was empty. Statements like that certainly could make people think he was gay, but it wasn’t like that. He thought of Frank as a friend and had just always been comfortable using words like “beautiful” to describe him. That didn’t make him gay…right?

Finally accepting that he could wallow no longer, Gerard got up and pulled on his work clothes. He kept himself busy cleaning up the shop and making sure all of the displays were neat. He looked over Frank’s receipts from yesterday’s transactions and made sure the right amount was in the cash register. At eight o’clock, Frank arrived. He let himself into the shop without looking up and froze when he saw Gerard.

“Hey,” he said breathlessly, “You’re up.”

“Yeah,” said Gerard, unsure of what to say next. He wanted to delve immediately into the topic that had been tormenting him for the past eleven or so hours, but wasn’t sure how to go about it without potentially hurting Frank’s feelings. Would it upset him more if Gerard asked him straight out if he were gay or if he hinted at it by casually mentioning what Kris had said?

“You already did my stuff,” Frank said after doing a quick circuit of the store. Gerard noticed that his black eye had already started to turn yellow, although it was still just as swollen.

“Yeah, sorry. I was restless.”

Frank crossed his arms and leaned against one of the support beams that jutted out of the wall. The chain hanging from the pocket of his ripped jeans clinked noisily against the wood. “What am I supposed to do for the next hour, then?”

“I don’t know.”

Frank shook his head and began to wander around the shop, straightening things Gerard had already straightened and dusting shelves that were spotless. Gerard watched him nervously, feeling his bad mood fill the shop with a black aura. This bad mood had started after his date with Kris and it was making Gerard wonder more than ever if Frank could be gay.

Taking a deep breath, Gerard leaned over the counter and began, “Hey, Frank, listen. I, um, talked to Kris last night and she said some, uh…some interesting stuff.”

“Oh?” asked Frank, not looking up from the dish of toffees that he seemed to be counting for no apparent reason.

“Yeah, uh…well, she doesn’t like me…like that.”

Frank looked up then, his eyes instantly meeting Gerard’s and an expression of concern taking over his face. “Oh. I’m…sorry, Gerard. That really sucks.”

“You’re probably just saying that,” Gerard said, shaking his head. “You knew she was going to let me down.”

There was a moment of silence, during which Frank crossed slowly to the counter and rested his hands on its glass surface, then he said, “I did. But I’m still sorry. For that and how I acted yesterday.”

“It’s okay.” Gerard stared down at the counter, aware of Frank’s hands in his peripheral vision. His hands were slender, with long fingers for playing guitar and bold letters tattooed above his knuckles to spell out Halloween. After a pause, Gerard said, “It’s funny. She, uh, had a very specific reason for not being interested in me.”

“Yeah? What was it?”

“It was, um…it was because she thought I was gay.”

His eyebrows shot up and his mouth slipped open, shock dominating his features. He seemed to think carefully over his next words and finally said, “And how do you feel about that?”

“Well, I…I’ve never really thought about it before,” said Gerard honestly. “I never thought about defining my…orientation.”

Inhaling slowly, Frank leaned forward so that he was leaning on his elbows. He let his eyes drift close, seeming to mentally collect himself, and then said, “Have you ever been attracted to a guy?”

“I…” Gerard bit his lip, gazing searchingly into Frank’s eyes. Sure, he had thought of Frank as pretty on more than one occasion and, yeah, he often enjoyed their physical closeness, but did that mean he was attracted to him? He was very aware of their closeness at that very moment, both leaned over the counter, their faces only a handful of inches apart. A way to find out occurred to him just then and he wondered if he dared attempt it. If he (and also Kris) was wrong about Frank being gay, it would really put him in an uncomfortable position. But if he was right…

In a moment of courage – or complete lunacy – Gerard lunged forward, going for Frank’s lips. However, in his nervousness, he missed by a small margin and got only the corner of his mouth. Then he froze, shocked and horrified at what he had done. He kept his eyes shut, as if that would put off Frank’s reaction to the semi-kiss, and waited.

For a few seconds, nothing happened. Gerard could still feel Frank’s skin where their foreheads were slightly touching. Frank’s hair was tickling his face and he heard the tiny sound that escaped Frank’s throat as he let out a slow breath and licked his lips. The sound dragged out longer and longer and finally developed into the last sound Gerard had expected to hear – laughter. Frank was laughing softly and, after a time, sucked a breath in through his teeth and said, “What was that?”

“I’m sorry,” Gerard whispered. “I didn’t know the answer to the question.” He opened his eyes as Frank pulled away and shook his head.

“Of course you didn’t,” said Frank. “You always miss the obvious. I’ve always found it funny. Cute, even. But not this time. This…this feels like a punch to the gut, Gerard.”

“What?” Gerard asked, feeling whiplashed from how quickly this situation kept changing.

Frank was backing away from the counter, shaking his head. “Seriously, Gerard. I’ve been quiet for years. I’ve waited for you to figure this out, but you just never do. And every single freaking time I think you have, I’m wrong. And it’s really starting to feel like you’ll never figure it out.”

“Figure what out?” Gerard asked desperately, feeling confused and on the verge of tears. “Seriously, I don’t—”

“Don’t say you don’t know,” Frank snapped, holding up a hand. “I’m trying really hard not to lose it, here.”

“Obviously,” Gerard murmured. “Seriously, Frank, what is it I’m supposed to have figured out?”

“That you love me!” Frank exclaimed, throwing up his hands.

The words hung in the air like a neon sign, refusing to be ignored or taken back. Gerard could almost see them, floating between them, and he couldn’t tear his eyes away. They seemed to pound themselves into his head, stuck in an infinite loop. You love me, you love me, you love me.

As the silence stretched on, moving from awkward to nearly unbearable, Frank refused to look away from Gerard. Their eyes seemed to be locked, both unable to tear their gaze from the other’s. With a great effort, Gerard managed to ask, “And…and do you love…me?”

“I do. But you already knew that.”

“No, I—”

“You knew,” Frank insisted, his voice loud and uncontrolled for once. As long as they’d known each other, Frank had always been the calm one and this new, emotional Frank frightened Gerard. “And it hurts like hell that you even have to ask.”

He looked around for a moment and, finding nothing left to occupy himself, brushed past Gerard and into the storage room, slamming the door behind him. Gerard stood up to go after him, but hesitated at the door. He wanted to comfort him, but he was afraid of making things worse. He’d already screwed up pretty badly by trying to kiss him, after all. His mouth had gotten him into enough trouble – maybe being quiet was the thing to do now.

Miserable and defeated, Gerard returned to his seat and waited for customers to start showing up.