Stargaze and Chill

Declan blames Nadia for a lot of things, but today it is specifically his current state of sleep deprivation, and the fact he’s up (but barely functioning) at this obscene hour. She’d probably say it’s his fault, because they could’ve seen a chick flick yesterday night (he’s sure that he’ll be seeing Me Before You with her soon) but it was his turn to choose, and he chose The Conjuring.

Nadia was silent the whole ride back to her house, a far cry from the usual. By the time Declan had gotten home she was calling him.

“Dec, please just sing me a couple of songs and I swear I’ll fall asleep and then you can hang up. Come on, my dad’s not here and come on, pleaseeeee.”

A couple of songs turned into hours of talking, and singing and laughing. Declan didn’t like to sing (he composed music, that was his thing) but he sometimes did that for Nadia.

Staying up that late wasn’t necessarily the problem, and staying up late for Nadia wasn’t really anything new. When they were away at school she kept him on the phone at all hours of the night even though he was a five second drive down Massachusetts Ave.

Plus, it was the summer. He was back from college, and he didn’t work on the weekends. He could probably sleep till noon before his mom woke him up. But Nadia desperately needed someone to go shopping with her. And in his sleep deprived state at five in the morning Declan reluctantly agreed to be that someone.

Nadia’s waiting outside, sitting on the wooden railing that borders her front porch picking off some old nail polish when she notices Declan’s car coming down her street. She hops down and waits on the sidewalk for him. She’s wearing her favorite shorts, thrifted Levi’s that hit her high on her torso and her high top vans that used to be white.

Declan leans over the passenger seat and pushes the door open. “You look nice today,” he says once she slides in.

“I look nice everyday,” she responds with a grin. “You look,” she pauses turning in the seat to stare at him as he starts driving, “tired.”

“Yeah, I wonder why,” he shoots back at her, pushing at his hair self-consciously.

Nadia laughs. “Here, I’ll help.” She reaches over before Declan can say anything and brushes back his hair. Their fingers meet at first and he drops his hand away, clutching at the steering wheel to work through the electric pulse.

Declan takes a slow breath trying to pull it together. He and Nadia have been friends for too long for this to suddenly become a problem. His friend can touch his hair without him losing his mind, damn it. He is not that weak.

“There,” she says softly breath ghosting over his temple. “Much better.” Okay, maybe he is that weak.

“Uh thanks,” he says his voice stumbling on its way past his lips. “Urban Outfitters right?” he asks stiltedly, trying to return to some normalcy and she nods.

Nadia’s back to sitting in the passenger seat facing forward casually like nothing just happened. Something clearly just happened because Declan is too aware of all his pulses – the one in his neck and hand and that one just south of his waist. He’s too distracted by his friend and it doesn’t make sense because he got over this so many years ago.

Nadia pulls her legs up onto the seat like she always does and then removes his phone from the aux cord. It always amazes Declan how his seats can practically dwarf her. Sometimes it feels like she’s going to curl up and disappear into the upholstery.

It’s almost stage magic because she has these limbs that seem to go on for days, even though she’s really quite short and she’s not really small in any means – frame or personality. But somehow she curls up and disappears right before his eyes.

They drive in sleepy silence, though Nadia appears to have more energy than him. That’s always the case, too. They can pull two all-nighters and she’ll get through the day relatively unaffected while Declan will spend half of it with two mismatched shoes on his feet.

Declan trails Nadia through the store, holding the shirts and dresses she wants to try on as she pulls from the racks. The store is empty this early in the morning and Nadia takes her time looking at each table and stand for something to wear.

“You make every occasion a shopping spree,” he says to her as they walked towards the changing rooms.

Nadia rolls her eyes. “I’m sorry I care about my appearance.” Then she adds under her breath, “Actually not really sorry.”

“It’s not like there’s going to be anybody to impress tonight.”

She tilts her head upwards and smiles wistfully at him. “Who knows, maybe my knight in shining armor will be at the party.”

Declan pauses, and makes a botched attempt at not sounding annoyed when he responds, “Didn’t realize you were looking for a knight in shining armor.”

She shrugs as she films through a rack of bralettes. Declan wants to tell her to forget about it, because he knows they aren’t going to fit, and knows she knows it, too. She does this time and again; she’ll try them on and the lace won’t cover everything or give her the lift she wants. Then she’ll go on and on about breast reduction surgery.

If he really thought she wanted it, the surgery, he’d be fully supportive but he doesn’t think so. She just wants to wear pretty lacy things sometimes. Which he gets, kind of, not really. It’s a girl thing he imagines.

“I’ve done two years of the hook up thing. The casual, never see you again, what’s your name? Netflix and chill thing. I want…something that’s worth something, I guess.” She turns to Declan, looking inquisitive and so open like she’s just admitted a secret she’s been hiding for a while. “You know?”

He wonders when she decided she wanted something serious. Because all she ever talks about is being single, and hot hook ups and how she needs to “do her” whatever that means.

“Yeah,” he says quietly. “I know.” Because he does. He really does. Eventually you get tired of waking up alone when you didn’t go to bed that way. Eventually you start wanting the things you believe everyone deserves.

“You’re not going to run into anybody you don’t know tonight. Shelby’s parties are never that big,” Declan finds himself saying anxious and unnerved by the fact Nadia wants to date someone. He manages, somehow, to endure all of her hook ups because sex is just physical need and outlet. But he’s not really sure he can, almost one hundred percent positive he can’t, handle her falling in love with someone. Someone that isn’t him, he guesses.

“I don’t know, maybe my knight in shining armor is someone I know.” She shrugs and holds up a bra to her chest. “Do you think this will fit?”

He gives a stiff shake of his head, not ready to move on from the subject. “Well, who are you thinking?”

“Hm?”

“Who out of our friends would you date?”

Nadia isn’t really paying attention and he has to ask the question a second time. “I don’t know, Dec,” she says, exasperated. “I’m just saying that I’m being open to the idea of dating. Maybe I find prince charming tonight, maybe I don’t. It’s just a possibility. I have all summer to figure it out.”

He hears her he does but all he can think is me me me me. I’m the someone you know and should date. I’m your Prince Charming, your Knight in Shining Armor. Even though you don’t need one, you do fine on your own, it’s me.

“Alright, I’m gonna try these on!” she says excitedly, grabbing at the pile of clothes in his hands before darting towards the changing rooms.

He resigns himself to the fact they will probably be in the store all morning and picks a bench to sit at while he waits. He’s in the middle of an intense game of Angry Birds when Nadia makes a noise, a sharp gasp followed by a drawn out, “Shit.”

Declan stands up slowly, shoving his phone into the back pocket of his chinos as he does. “You good, Nad?” he asks as he walks up to her door.

Nadia gives a high-pitched laugh, sort of distressed in nature. “Can you come here for a second?”

“I’m outside the door,” he answers, rubbing at the side of his head in confusion. “If you’re going to ask my opinion on something it is always and indefinitely going to be no, it doesn’t make you look fat and yes, I like it.”

“That’s not – uh, look I need your help. Come inside.” The door handle clicks but Declan remains staring at it dubiously. There really isn’t anything Declan wouldn’t do for Nadia, but joining her in this dressing room cuts it pretty damn close.

He sighs, pushing at the door to create just enough room to slip inside. Nadia’s standing facing him, with a stringy shirt caught around her neck and torso, one arm in its rightful place while the other is caught in one of the holes, which he doesn’t suspect is the right one by the way it appears to be choking her.

“I think my hair is caught, and I greatly misjudged the stretch of this material. And it’s cutting off my circulation. So help. Please,” she says as she stares at him. Declan swallows and tries not to notice the underside of her breast peaking out. He kind of wants to laugh, but it unnerves him seeing her this exposed.

“You want me to uh,” he pauses, swallows, and continues, “to uh, help you take it off?”

“Yeah, I can’t do it on my own and I’m starting to sweat and I think I might’ve forgotten to put on deodorant. This situation is quickly moving to dire.”

“You don’t have on anything under that, though.” He needs a cigarette. He needs five. Maybe a valium. Some yoga. Because he is freaking the fuck out.

“Yeah so?” Nadia raises both her eyebrows with emphasis.

“That doesn’t bother you?” he asks shifting unsurely.

“You have an app on your phone that tracks my period. You seeing my breasts is hardly a big deal.” She pauses. “Unless it bothers you?”

He says, trying to sound convincing, “No, no, I’m fine.”

“Okay then,” she says her tone suggesting she doesn’t fully believe him. “Help me before I suffocate and die.”

He says hesitantly, “What do you want me to do?”

“I need you to help pull it over my head without ripping it. It’s like a $40 top and I’m not paying for something that doesn’t even fit so.”

Declan nods, reaching out to tug her hair from the neckline first. He does it slowly, keenly aware of his fingers as they move through her dark locks and graze the back of her neck.

He is no stranger to this kind of touching. He’d helped her (attempt to) dye it last summer. And there was that time when she had an ear infection, too, and he’d had to wash her hair in the sink for a week.

Nadia instructs, “Okay, I’m going to start pulling my arm out and you lift, slowly.”

Declan pinches the fabric near the neckline, and starts to lift focusing his gaze above Nadia’s head as the shirt gives way to skin. Nadia has to shimmy to get her shoulder through but once she does it comes off easily.

Declan’s whole body is hot and feels like a vessel he’s invading. He really needs a smoke. “Good?” he asks Nadia as she stares up at him, and he avoids her gaze. He forgets most of the time how short she is but he is fixated on it now.

“Yeah, thanks,” she says softly.

“No problem,” he says.

“So,” she says drawing the word out. “You’re just not going to look at me?” She reaches towards him, going for his chin maybe, he isn’t sure.

He stops her though, grabbing ahold of her arms and keeping her a good distance away. With her held back, she comes into his perspective, and he is staring straight at her and trying not to die because she’s beautiful. She has Memorial Day Weekend tan lines that contrast against the rich tone of her already dark skin.

“I’m being respectful,” he says as he averts his gaze. Looking at her is dangerous and tantalizing, like most of the vices he is hooked on, and, like most of his vices, once is not enough.

He’s back to staring and noticing things he probably shouldn’t. Things that are going to keep him awake at night, and burn in the front of his mind. He meets her gaze and watches the muscles in her jaw work as she clenches it. Was this sexual tension, he wondered, and if it was, did she feel it too?

“It’s not,” she says finally like she’s reading his mind. Of course she doesn’t feel that way about him. “It’s not like they’re bad.” She’s hesitant when she says this like she isn’t sure if she believes it.

Declan shakes his head, finds his sense, and maneuveres backwards for the door. “I’m going – I’ll be outside.”

Nadia’s suddenly grinning with teeth that took four years of braces and a headset in seventh grade to straighten. “Wait, Declan, come on.” He’s out of there so fast, his feet move without any conscious thought.

Outside it’s suffocatingly warm. The stress sweat that had accumulated in the crooks of his elbows and back of his neck turns to real sweat. Declan ignores the sweltering heat, focusing on the mechanics of smoking.

Declan’s phone rings after his second cigarette. He knows its Nadia before he pulls it out of his pocket, but answers regardless.

She says, “Can you please come back up here I need your opinion on another top.”

“Like I said,” he answers. “My response is always going to be the same.”

“Declan!” she says but he knows she isn’t angry like she’s pretending to be.

“Nadia,” he mimics.

She sighs. “Are we going to talk about what just happened?”

“What just happened?”

“You didn’t say anything.”

“What did you want me to say?”

“I don’t know, you have a very nice rack, Nadia, thank you for letting me see it, maybe?”

“You have a very nice rack, Nadia, thank you for letting me see it.”

“I hate you. Ugh, whatever, tell me the other thing.”

“No, you don’t look fat. Yes, I like it.”

Laughing, she says, “Okay. I’m going to buy this. Meet me at the register.”


Mia is waiting in the driver’s seat when Declan climbs into the car, her hand outstretched. Declan hands her a ten-dollar bill with a roll of his eyes. “You think you’d do this out of the goodness of your heart,”he says.

She laughs loudly as she pulls out of the driveway in one jolting, fast motion. Declan glares at her. Driving with her is probably more reckless than driving drunk. “Not a chance, brother dear. This is a business.”

“Yeah, it’s called Uber.”

“Which is more expensive than my charge,” she points out. “I texted Nadia and told her we were on our way.”

He groans. “Stop texting my friends.”

“Nadia is my friend too!” Mia cries as she makes a close turn.

He doesn't bother arguing with her on that point; instead, he says, “You almost hit the curb on that turn.”

She shrugs. “But did I hit the curb? Exactly.”

When they pull up to Nadia’s place, she is outside smoking a cigarette. She has on the shirt she bought early that day, this black top that plunges deeply in the front. It’s hard to look at her, because she is beautiful but also because he knows what’s under that shirt and it pains him.

She leans into the window, and says, “You gonna get out and let me in?” Her brown eyes are playful but it still makes him heat up as he unbuckles his seatbelt and gets out. Declan can hear Mia giggling but ignores it.

Mia calls a hello to Nadia when she gets in, and Nadia leans between the two seats to give her a hug. “Seventeen looks good on you, Mia.”

Mia and Nadia play catch up, talking about Mia’s prom and this boy in her Math class who she likes. Declan half listens, but doesn’t really contribute to the conversation because he’s not sure what he would say.

A little ways into the drive he catches Nadia’s eye in the side mirror and averts his gaze quickly. He looks down and focuses on his phone, which is blowing up with texts in the group chat regarding everyone’s ETA.

“You good?” Nadia says quietly into his ear, making him jump as he looks over his shoulder at her. She quirks an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” Declan whispers.

“Good.” She doesn’t sound like she believes him. He ignores it.

When they get to Shelby’s, there’s already a few cars parked in the driveway and flowing onto the street. Declan recognizes the cars of his friends and he’s anxious to get out and join them inside.

“I’ll text you when to leave. Probably two,” he tells his sister as he gets out and lifts the seat forward for Nadia. He doesn’t really wait for her to get out though because she has to bend and it gives him too good of a vantage point to look down her shirt. So he starts walking up to the house.

Mia speeds off once Nadia’s feet are on the ground and Declan cringes, worried about the state of his car in his sister’s inexperienced hands. Nadia jogs to catch up with Declan and links her arm through his. He’s fumbling for a cigarette and promptly drops the pack, stopping them both so he can pick it up.

“You’re acting weird,” she says, staring critically as he lights a cigarette.

He shrugs. “I don’t feel weird.” She doesn’t say anything but her expression tells him he’s not getting away with anything. When they get inside, it’s Parker and Fiona who greet them first.

“Yo man, its great to see you,” Parker says as he hugs Declan and then gives Nadia a kiss on the cheek. Declan moves to Fiona, hugging her lightly as not to knock the beer out of her hand.

“Drinks are in the kitchen!” Shelby cries as she grabs at Nadia and holds onto her tightly.

“You both look great. The East Coast suits you,” Fiona says as she tugs at the sleeve of Declan’s tee shirt. “Have you been working out?”

Declan laughs, mumbling a no as he shakes his head. He turns to Nadia who’s been staring at him with this curious look on her face. “I’ll grab you a drink,” he says as he walks between Parker and Shelby for the kitchen.

Jaime’s in the kitchen shot-gunning a beer over the sink and Declan nods at him, trying not to distract him from the artistry at hand as he grabs two beers from the fridge.

“Hey,” Jaime says once he’s finished, coming around the island to hug Declan. “It’s good to see you. Is Nadia here? Of course she is. You guys don’t really separate.” Jaime laughs, Declan doesn’t. “Come on.” He grabs at Declan’s shirt, and drags him into the living room where everyone’s congregated.

He finds Nadia’s eyes across the room, she’s between Shelby and Quinn, who Declan notes has cut and bleached her hair white (and it actually looks good)(which surprises him because he thinks the white hair thing is very grandma). Nadia raises both her hands so he tosses the beer her way.

She grins when she catches it and winks at him.

They both spend the next hour circulating through their friends to catch up. Declan and Nadia are the only two of their group who went across the country – Declan studies Film Scoring at Berklee College of Music, which is right down the street from Northeastern where Nadia is in the Architectural Studies program.

It was something like fate that they both got into their respective schools with financial aid packages that were sustainable. Otherwise, they might’ve had been separated by states or even by a whole coast.

Everyone’s doing great, and once they share stories and catch up the drinking games start. Nadia teams up with Declan for beer pong; they’re long-reigning champs and Jaime and Quinn insist they’re going to change that tonight.

Three rounds later, they are still King and Queen only now a little tipsy. Shelby has crowded them all onto the floor to play what she deems the most scandalous party game.

Once she has everyone’s attention, she sticks her phone into the center of the group and says, “It’s like spin the bottle. Only you spin my phone. And also, you do whatever the phone says with the person it lands on.”

“I don’t want to play this,” Declan says starting to stand but Jaime grabs his arm and stops him.

“Come on, it’ll be fun,” he says.

“Yeah, Dec, where’s your sense of adventure?” Nadia says across the circle, giving him a taunting look. Except Declan reads into it, and maybe it’s daring, too. Like she wants him to play the game. Of course he’s reading into it so it’s probably just in his head.

Shelby looks around the group, trying to gauge everyone’s interest. “It’s not like we haven’t basically hooked up with all of each other already.” There’s a chorus of laughs, because truly they are a friendcestuous group. They’ve romantically and sexually co-mingled more than all the characters on Grey’s Anatomy.

Except him and Nadia, who have never and could never do anything together. It would ruin the sanctity of their friendship, crush the foundation, and also drive Declan to a psychotic break.

“I’ll go first,” Nadia says with a taunting grin as she glances around her group of friends.

She has a nice smile. She always has, even with braces and headgear. She smiles like the little girl in Finding Nemo, all teeth and cheek. She has nice lips, too. They’re plump but her mouth is small and she only wears the NYX Butter lipstick in nude that emphasizes their shape.

She tells Declan this a lot – “I only ever wear one lipstick, Dec. It’s the –“ “Yes, yes, Nadia, I know, the NYX one. I know.” – so he always gets one when he sees it at a CVS or Walgreens because eventually he imagines they’ll stop being made and she’ll have to live off of her dwindling supply. Plus she leaves them everywhere.

Declan is thinking all about Nadia’s lips and her lipstick and how she likes to chew Big Red in between cigarettes. He is thinking all of these things as the cell phone spins and spins and spins.

Then he stops thinking about it because holy fucking fuck fuck the phone has landed on him, and everyone in the group is quiet. Jaime breaks that well-framed silence with a burst of laughter because he is a dick. Declan swallows and forgets that he was just thinking about Nadia’s lips because the phone screen is blinking his, her, dare, (their dare, he guesses) and they have to fuck.

Not really. They just to have kiss. But you’d think by the way Declan, and everyone else in the room for that matter, was acting that they’d have to bump uglies.

Shelby crawls into the center and grabs the phone, holding it up to her face. “French kiss,” she reads with a very amused tone. She holds the phone out to Nadia, who’s giving nothing away, and says, “You could always spin again.”

Nadia comes to, and shakes her head with a grin that doesn’t quite reach her eyes and a laugh. “No, why would I do that? Defeats the purpose of the game.” She meets Declan’s eyes and now he’s imagining Nadia topless. Except it’s not really imagining so much as remembering because he knows exactly what that looks like.

“It’s not that big a deal,” she says raising her eyebrows as if she wants Declan to say it is. Because he does think it’s a big deal, it’s a big fucking deal. “I mean you’ve already seen me topless, right?” She laughs. Declan doesn’t. “And it’s just a kiss.”

Jaime adds, “With tongue.” He’s still laughing.

Declan wants to sock him but he’s basically immobilized. Nadia crawls towards him and Fiona on the other side of him gives him a shove, so he maybe slides forward a little. It gives Nadia the chance to grab his shirt and pull him to the center with her. She doesn’t say anything but he hears what she’s saying, what she would be saying if all their friends weren’t crowding around them.

“Relax, Declan. I’m not going to kill you.”

“Remember,” Quinn says in a singsong voice. “With tongue.”

As if he was going to forget that part. Nadia looks at him like she’s laughing about the whole thing but Declan is cursing his luck. And thinking there is no way he’ll recover from this. And that their friendship is about to change.

While he thinks all these things he decides that if this is it, the one and only chance he’ll have to kiss Nadia and probably the last time things will be easy, or easier than they’ll be after this, then he’s going to make it count.

He wants to slow it down, take stock of everything that is going on around him and in front of him. He wants to slide his nose against her cheek, remember the way she smells and how soft her skin is. He wants to kiss her so slow that it almost doesn’t feel like kissing at all. He wants to enjoy it.

But Nadia is fast, pressing her lips to his like they’re in fifth grade, hiding behind a tree at recess and trying to get their first kisses over and done with. She places her palm down on his shoulder, anchoring him to his spot. He doesn’t even realize that he’s pulling away – if he’s pulling away it’s because it feels too good. He will lose his mind kissing Nadia.

The speed that she started with doubles-back; she moves at a pace he can work with. Her mouth is hot, a lot warmer than he expected like her temperature has been permanently altered by all the gum she chews. She’s not chewing gum right now. He knows this because she has opened her mouth and he is feeling his way along her tongue and pressing against her teeth.

She pulls back and he thinks right this is just a dare and remembers that he’s in a room of his closest friends and the kiss has to end sometime. But she doesn’t end it, just turns her mouth and presses her tongue to his lips so he’ll let her in. Her tongue strokes the roof of his mouth like she’s trying to tap out Morse code on his hard palate, emphasis on the hard.

His throat emits a sound that he tries to clamp down on but is incapable of doing and then hopes it was soft enough that it got lost between their mouths. Nadia pulls away so slowly that he opens his eyes and can’t see anyone but a close-up of her face. Her cheeks are flushed, and her lips are wet with his spit. And really, he shouldn’t be turned on by that but he is.

He clears his throat and leans back until his butt hits the floor. Someone better fucking say something before he does. And he knows the only thing he’s going to be capable of saying is going to ruin his friendship with Nadia.

Jaime goes, “My turn” and Declan is so thankful he almost turns around and kisses him (Jaime would let him, too because Declan knows that he ‘just loves people, man’). Declan slides back into his spot, instead and makes a point of not looking at Nadia or bailing the fuck out of that circle because he knows that would be suspect.

Not that his friends aren’t suspicious already. He knows for a fact that Jaime knows he has some kind of feelings for Nadia, though he isn’t sure if Jaime knows the extent of those feelings. And Shelby has alluded to it, once or twice.

He decides to wait a round before he excuses himself to the kitchen under the pretense of grabbing another drink. He does grab another drink (he needs like five to be incapacitated enough to handle this situation) but that isn’t the reason he leaves the group.

He’s shot-gunning a beer in the sink when Nadia storms in, and snaps, “Holy fucking shit.” It makes Declan snort beer and while he chokes, he wonders if this means he’ll get drunk faster. Nadia repeats herself, this time louder. Declan knows she knows and she’s going to freak out on him and honestly rightfully so because he screwed the pooch by falling in love with her like that’s on him.

He holds a finger to his mouth because he knows his friends are just on the other side of the wall listening to them, and then points to the door. Nadia stares at him, eyebrows furrowed before storming outside. He follows, hesitantly.

She turns around once there a little ways into the backyard and he says quickly, “Look I know—.”

She cuts him off saying, “Why the fuck is that first time we’ve kissed?”

“What?” he says, taking a step back.

“Declan, we’ve been friends for so long. Why have we never kissed before?” she asks again, crossing her arms but not looking as threatening as she did in the kitchen. He mumbles something incoherent because he really doesn’t know how to answer that. She juts her head forward and goes, “Hm?”

“Cause we’re friends?” he tries.

“That kiss was not friendly,” she retorts.

He flushes and his stomach drops because Jesus, a kiss can hive him away. Of all the things, it’s a kiss. He kind of thinks its worth it (totally worth it).

He is a bundle of nerves when he says softly, “No. French kisses aren’t usually friendly.”

She rolls her eyes. “You know that’s not what I mean.”

“Well what exactly do you mean, Nadia?” he asks because now he’s not so sure that she knows he’s so foolishly in love with her and if she doesn’t know that he wants to know what she thinks she knows.

She crosses her arms, and he thinks maybe she’s nervous, too. “Come on,” she says not really annoyed but more like she wants him to stop messing around with her. “You didn’t…” she trails, and takes a step back, turning her head slightly like she’s confused. “You didn’t feel anything?”

She has no clue, he realizes. Literally, she has no clue how he feels and awesome. They can recover from this.

He doesn’t want to recover from this though. He wants this to be the beginning of something. But he’s not exactly sure that’s the right thing (it probably isn’t) so he pushes down all his stupid feelings.

“Don’t read into it,” he says shaking his head. “Seriously, Nad, just drop it. Please.”

She looks at him and he gets nothing. Is she upset? Is she going to push this? No, she shrugs her shoulders, and lets out a breath. “Okay,” she says quietly. “It was nothing. Just a kiss.”

“Exactly,” he says. “So we’re good?” She nods. He steps towards her and nudges her shoulder so she’ll follow, nodding his head towards the door. “Come on everyone’s going to be wondering what’s up with us.”


It’s a little after two in the morning when everyone decides to call it quits. Quinn is passed out on the couch, and Parker (the EMT of the group) has ensured the safety of her airway before beginning his walk home with Fiona. Jaime and Shelby are spending the night (or morning) together because the spin the phone game worked in their favor.

Declan and Nadia are standing outside Shelby’s house, Nadia with an amused expression while Declan curses at his phone. “I can’t believe she fell asleep.”

“It’s late,” Nadia says in defense of his sister.

“I told her two.”

“It’s not the end of the world.”

“What are you talking about? We’re stranded at Shelby’s. And her and Jaime are so caught up in each other I doubt we could pull them away to drive us.”

Nadia is grinning, her teeth glowing against her skin and the darkness around them. “Come on, we’ll just walk.”

“That’s a long ass walk.”

“Not if we cut through the field,” Nadia reasons already leading the way down the street. Declan grumbles before following her, annoyed by the whole days events. It’s been too much strain on him and he finished his pack of cigarettes so he has nothing to keep him calm.

Nadia doesn’t keep him calm, he knows. She does the opposite. Keys him up real good. Cause she’s damn unpredictable. And things are weird between them. Have been all day, really. And he doesn’t know how to fix it, not even sure if it can be fixed.

“Wow,” she says with awe making Declan look at her funny. She pokes his side and goes, “Look at the sky.”

“You look at the sky,” he retorts.

“No, really, Dec, look how pretty the stars are tonight.” She stops walking and tips her head back to stare upwards. Declan doesn’t want to stop walking, doesn’t want to stand in a field and stare at the sky with Nadia. But he’s not about to leave her either.

“I know that look,” he starts slowly.

“Just five minutes,” she responds already moving to sit down in the grass.

“Nadiaaaaaa, it’s late and I’ve gotten like two hours of sleep in the last twenty-four hours.”

“Oh please, I know you took a nap after we got back this morning.”

Declan doesn’t say anything, instead, he sits because he knows he’s going to be here for a while. He pulls his knees up and wraps his arms around them. They stay quiet, so Declan starts humming his favorite Elvis Presley song.

“Sing it,” she says so he starts singing the lyrics because this is something he does for her, and only for her. He glances at her when he finishes and she’s just looking up like there is something else that he can’t see.

He thinks the stars look the same as always, vibrant and clustered everywhere. There really isn’t anything significant about tonight. Maybe all stars look the same to some people, and for others they find something different in them. Like with clouds. He wonders what constellations they’re looking at right now, if there even are any.

She doesn’t look at him when she says, “You really do love that song.” He nods, and makes an affirmative sound. “’You fooled me with your kisses’,” she parrots back to him. His stomach drops instantly. “Funny, this song feels awfully fitting.”

“Not this again,” he mumbles.

She glances at him, her eye wide and wild. “Are you seriously going to pretend it was nothing?”

“It wasn’t nothing,” he responds contrarily. “But it was a dare. A game. You spun the phone, it landed on me, and so we kissed.” He shrugs.

She tips her head back like she can see past the stars into the galaxy. Like she can see the planets and all that other galactic shit out there. “There’s something going on here.”

“You’re crazy.”

“What about earlier today? In the changing room?”

Declan scrubs his face, groaning to himself. “Oh my god, Nadia, let it goooo.”

“We’ve been friends forever, and you couldn’t even look at me topless. How come, Declan?”

“Drop it.”

“Just tell me why, and I will.”

He’s glaring at the sky when he mutters, “You know why so don’t make me say it. God. You act like just because I’m your friend that negates the fact I’m a male and heterosexual male at that.”

“That’s not how I’m acting.”

“Then why did you drag me into the dressing room with you? And just stand there like that? Just to fuck with me?”

“I didn’t think you were going to react like that, Dec. I thought because it was me it wouldn’t matter.”

“Breasts are breasts, Nadia. Even if its your friend’s breasts. “ Declan grabs a handful of grass and pulls it out, tossing it away from him. His heart is racing and yeah, okay, it’s a lie. But he’s hoping Nadia won’t pick up on that.

She says slowly, “If it had been Shelby or Fiona…I don’t think it would’ve mattered then.”

“Yeah, well, you have a tendency to make things about you, so.” Declan regrets it before he even finishes speaking. Nadia’s breath hitches and he feels her stiffen beside him.

“That was mean,” she says lowly.

He rakes his hands through his hair and breathes heavily. “God, Nadia, I didn’t meant that I’m sorry.” He glances at her and she’s still staring up at the sky. “Really, I didn’t mean it. I just – you were pushing and I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”

“You’re defensive,” she says like she’s figuring something out but its taking her a while to piece it all together. “And I think that’s because you’re hiding something.”

“Yeah, well, I think you should let it go.”

“I can’t let it go.”

“Why not?”

“Because, Declan,” she says exasperated. “We kissed.”

“It was a dare.”

“Dares force actions, they don’t force feelings.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to say you felt something.”

“Fine, I felt something.”

She groans. “Why are you being so obtuse about this?”

“Because we’re friends, and tomorrow I want to still be friends. But if you keep pushing this, I don’t think that’s going to be possible.”

“Maybe we aren’t meant to be friends anymore.” Declan snaps his neck too hard to look at her, to see if she’s serious. They’ve been friends for fourteen years. To not be friends anymore – over a kiss – no, just no. It’s not going to happen.

She’s still staring up at the sky looking so serene, like she didn’t just end their friendship with eight cruel words. “You don’t want to be my friend anymore because we kissed on a dare?”

She finally turns, leaving the stars behind to stare at Declan. “I don’t want to just be friends because we kissed.”

Declan can think about a lot of things all at once but he can also think about nothing all at once. And all at once his brain just turns, like its overheated and it needs to cool down before it starts working again.

“Say again,” he responds slowly. Because, just, no, there’s no way that what she just said is what she actually meant to say.

She’s frowning slightly like she’s nervous and unsure. She bites her lip, lets it go after a second, and then asks, “You really didn’t feel anything?”

Declan responds, lowly, “I felt…everything.”

She doesn’t smile but something solidifies behind her eyes. She straightens her shoulders back and goes, “Kiss me this time.”

He ducks his head so he’s looking down at her and says, foolishly, “You have to dare me.”

Nadia is unimpressed by his line, but she says quickly, “Okay, whatever, I dare you. Happy? Do I need to take my phone out and spin it, too?” Nadia is a big on moving quickly, particularly when she wants something. She stares at him anxiously like he better freaking make a move and soon.

So he does it the way he imagined he would the first time, so slow that it almost doesn’t feel like kissing at all because he wants to enjoy it. He takes stock of everything that is going on around him and in front of him. The sound of crickets in the field, and the distant roar of a truck driving down the road.

How she smells like cinnamon and cloves, and tastes like it, too.

She pulls back for just enough room to say, “With tongue.” And presses up against him opening her mouth to his like she expects him to just follow orders. He does, beckoning against the crown of her mouth with the tip of his tongue.

She pulls away again, saying, “By the way I feel like I should add that I texted Mia and told her not to come get us. And to ignore your texts. So don’t be mad at her.”

Declan is so stupidly elated by the idea of Nadia planning this, of thinking about their kiss and what it all meant and how she would get them here. He wants to ask her if she had feelings for him before the kiss, feelings that she denied or forced into a non-existence but doesn’t because they aren’t questions for right now, or maybe even ever.

And anyways he’s just going to enjoy being here for a while.