What He Left Behind

“You’ll be careful today yeah?” Charlie urges as we walk into school the following Monday, my head still an absolute mess thanks to Saturday’s events. Neither of us has spoken about the kiss since it happened. I didn’t really expect for us to; Charlie and I aren’t big talkers when it comes to feelings. Then again, I can’t be a hundred per cent certain that feelings are involved for Charlie anyway. Whilst I like to think Charlie wouldn’t have kissed me and told me he cared about me without having actual feelings for me, it’s a possibility I need to prepare myself for.

“Aren't I always?”

“Seriously.”

“Why, what's up?”

“I think dickwad Dwayne’s found out about Friday. He’s pissed. I don’t want you getting caught up in this shit,” he explains, glancing over his shoulder as we make our way through the crowds of the school hallway which part to let Charlie pass.

I still can’t get my head around the unspoken rule that you don’t dare get in Charlie’s way. Maybe it’s because he walks so quickly and aggressively that everyone feels like he’ll push straight through them if they don’t move. I can understand why people would think like that. There’s no such thing as a relaxing stroll with Charlie. He’ll simply make a beeline for wherever he’s headed, looking straight ahead with a stony expression, and everyone just moves because he’s known for his hostile unapproachable temperament very few people know is a pretence.

“I can take care of myself,” I remind him. As much as his protectiveness is well-intended, I don’t need a bodyguard.

“Yeah because you can take out the captain of the fucking football team. Do me a favour and use your fucking brain for once would you?” he spits, his tone harsher than usual. I hate how he talks as though he’s superior to me. I may be a pushover when it comes to Charlie, but I won’t let him talk down to me.

“What, like you did on Friday night when you slept with his girlfriend?”

“The difference is that I can stick up for myself sweetie,” he patronises.

“And I can’t?”

“Not against someone who’s fucking double your size.”

“Would you stop treating me like a child? Last time I checked you weren’t invincible yourself. Dwayne’s hardly gonna do anything to me, is he?”

“Whatever Noelle. I’m only looking out for you. I won’t fucking bother next time,” he hisses before stalking off into the crowd. I sigh and roll my eyes, not bothering to chase after him. He’s best being left alone when he’s in such a foul mood.

-

When the bell for lunch rings, I meet Stan as usual, since our classes are next door, and then we walk to the cafeteria together.

“Charlie said you pissed him off this morning,” Stan informs me.

“The feeling’s mutual,” I say bitterly.

“That’s cold. What happened?”

“It wasn’t even a big deal. He just acts like I’m incompetent sometimes and it drives me crazy. He’s so patronising.”

“Yeah I’ve noticed that. He’s overly protective of you, but I reckon it’s only because he cares. Being completely honest here, I’ve never seen him care for anyone the way he does for you.”

I smile a little bit. I would feel flattered if it wasn’t so frustrating being spoken to like I’m incompetent. I love that Charlie cares enough to protect me but I don’t need protecting. I’ve managed to look after myself for god knows how long, so I don’t need him suddenly treating me like a complete imbecile.

“Are you coming to sit with us?”

“Sure,” I say as we head over to the guys’ usual table. The others aren’t there yet, but I notice Charlie and Mason heading towards us, only to be stopped by none other than Dwayne Roberts. They’re several metres away from us, in the centre of the cafeteria where it’s open and spacious and everyone can see.

“Fuck,” Stan murmurs under his breath, grabbing my arm and yanking me over to where his bandmates are standing.

“Charlie, what the fuck man?” Dwayne spits as he squares up to Charlie, two other guys from the football team waiting behind Dwayne as backup.

“Hey man, how’s your girlfriend?” Charlie asks while grinning, unable to resist the opportunity to stir up the situation some more. I curse under my breath, wishing that Charlie would stop being an ass for one second. He pushes and pushes because he’s so relentlessly stubborn and it’s only a matter of time before him running his mouth gets him into some serious shit.

“I suggest you shut the fuck up,” Dwayne responds as he grabs Charlie by the collar. Dwayne is slightly taller than Charlie, and a lot more muscular, but I don’t doubt Charlie will give as good as he gets. Judging from what I’ve heard, Charlie’s no stranger to fist fights. My heart is racing nonetheless; I really don’t want to watch Charlie get hurt.

Adam and Harvey soon emerge from the crowd that has quickly begun to gather around us. Everyone loves a good fight, right? This one must be particularly entertaining to them; the captain of the football team verses the brooding trouble-maker with the explosive temper. Maybe if I wasn’t so personally invested thanks to how much I care about Charlie, I’d be excited to watch too.

“I suggest you don’t initiate fights you stand no chance of winning, you fucking asshole,” Charlie yells, shoving Dwayne repeatedly until he releases his grip on him. Charlie’s bandmates and Dwayne’s two friends wait on their toes, ready to step in at a moment’s notice.

“I’m the asshole? How about I fuck your girl over here and see how you like that?” Dwayne says, nodding his head in my direction. Charlie looks over his shoulder and notices my presence, his eyes suddenly turning cold as he spins round and throws a strong punch straight in Dwayne’s face.

“Noelle, get the hell out of here,” he orders, throwing several more punches at Dwayne before grabbing him by the collar and kneeing him in the crotch. The football captain collapses to the ground and his two friends jump to his defence, one of them landing a solid punch on Charlie’s jaw.

Before I can even comprehend what is going on, Stan and the guys get involved too and everything erupts into chaos. The crowd around us has now doubled and people are yelling and cheering. Charlie has one of Dwayne’s friends on the floor and is punching him repeatedly in the face, despite the fact there is already blood gushing from his nose.

I want to tell Charlie to stop, but his eyes are filled with rage in a way that I’ve never seen before. He’s ruthless when he’s like this, and I know there’s nothing I can do to make him stop.

“Stan, get her out of here,” I hear Charlie utter to Stan, nodding in my direction. Stan, who has Dwayne in a headlock, punches him once more before releasing him, grabbing my arm and pulling me through the crowd in the direction of the cafeteria exit.

“Don’t touch me!” I scream, taking Stan by surprise and managing to pull free from his grasp.

“Come on Noelle, you don’t need to see that,” he argues back. He tries to grab me again but I roughly shove him off. A few people turn to look, their attention temporarily divided. Everyone knows who I am because everyone knows who Charlie is. That’s just how things work in this place. If you’re close with Charlie, you’re the talk of the school. Just like how everyone has an opinion on Charlie, everyone has opinion on Charlie and I too.

“Neither do the rest of the fucking school, how come you’re not dragging them away?!” I yell, feeling my own temper flare up as I fight to be heard over the commotion from the fight.

“Stop shouting,” he orders, “It’s like I said earlier - Charlie doesn’t care about the others. He cares about you.” He takes hold of my arm, his grip a lot tighter this time, and pulls me out of the cafeteria. I am reluctant to go, but I rationalise that there’s not much point fighting him. Stan would most likely win and I wouldn’t get much out of it even if he didn’t.

“Man, you and Charlie are more alike than I thought,” Stan sighs in exasperation, slumping against the lockers in the corridor. He sinks down to the ground, stretching his legs out in front of him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I snap, my hands shaking with anger and adrenaline.

“You’re stubborn as fuck and don’t know when to quit.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong!” I argue, “And you’re no better!”

“And defensive,” Stan sneers, his voice still carefree and calm.

“You’re bleeding,” I tell him, completely ignoring his comment. Stan glances at his reflection in the screen of his phone and then his lips curve into a small smile.

“So I am,” he acknowledges, “I assure you that’s nothing compared to what Dwayne and his bum buddies will look like when Charlie’s done with them.”

“I guess you’re right about Charlie not knowing when to stop,” I admit.

“I’m no saint but fuck; Charlie takes shit way too far. He gets angry and he can’t control it. When he’s mad, there’s no getting through to him. He worries me sometimes.”

“That’s rough,” I mutter, chewing on the inside of my lip. Charlie seems to be more volatile and impulsive than I am. I fear he’ll get into some real trouble one of these days.

“I’m gonna go and check on him, okay? Better make sure he hasn’t fucking murdered anyone. I think it’s best you stay away.”

“But-” I start to protest but Stan cuts me off.

“It’s best that he calms down first. People have clearly caught onto the fact that they can use you against him,” he explains before walking back into the cafeteria. The door slams shut behind him, the noise reverberating around the empty hallway and the hollowness in my chest.

I hate seeing Charlie like that; violent and animalistic. The look in his eyes told me he had absolutely no control over what he was doing and it scares me. I’m scared he’ll take it too far. I’m scared he’ll get too angry and won’t be able to handle it. I’m scared he’ll do something he’ll regret.

A lot of drugs make people’s behaviour aggressive and unpredictable. It happened with Austin. He was the gentlest person I knew but as his addiction spiralled out of control, so did his temper. He’d be fine one minute and then he’d fly off the handle over the most insignificant thing. I lost track of how many times he came home with blood gushing from his nose having gotten into fights he stood no chance of winning.

That’s the worst thing about drugs; they turn you into someone you’re not, and anyone that doesn’t know any better thinks that that’s the real you.

-

By the end of the school day, I’ve collected my thoughts and feel a lot more in control of my emotions. Charlie and I are as bad as each other in that we can both be accusing and quick-tempered. We go in all guns blazing and I know it won’t get us anywhere, hence why I always ensure I’m feeling level-headed and rational when I suspect Charlie may not be. Stan said Charlie got taken to the principal’s office after the fight was eventually broken up, so I drop by to see if he’s okay.

“Hello love, are you okay?” the young secretary at the reception desk asks.

“Is Charlie still around?”

“He’s in the medical room. I can’t imagine it would be a problem for you to go through,” she says, pointing to the door on her right. I smile gratefully and push open the door to see Charlie sitting sideways facing away from me on the bench. His legs are stretched out along the bench and he has one arm folded across his chest and the other holding a cold compress to the painful looking bruise on his jaw. Aside from that and the cut above his eyebrow, he seems to be unharmed.

“Hello trouble,” he greets, nodding his head in my direction. The nurse, who is rifling through the cupboard, looks up and gives me a warm smile.

“The only trouble around here is you,” I point out quietly as Charlie swings his legs from the bench to the floor so that I can sit down next to him.

“So I keep being told. What brings you here?”

“I just wanted to…talk…but I’m guessing you’re kind of busy.”

“No, you go for it. Audrey here has cleaned me up after enough fights to know all my business by now,” he grins at the nurse who gives a small smile as she rolls her eyes. “I can’t go anywhere until I’ve spoken to the principal anyway. Fuckface is talking to him at the moment.”

The nurse clears her throat upon hearing Charlie curse but doesn’t look up from the forms she is filling out at her desk.

“Sorry nurse,” he smirks before turning his attention back to me, “What’s up?”

“I don’t know,” I mumble, feeling awkward knowing the nurse is listening, “I guess I wanted to talk about earlier. I don’t like fighting with you.”

“If you’re expecting an apology, you’re not gonna get one,” he says sternly, although he can’t resist cracking a small smile. “I was only looking out for you.”

“I know Charlie, but don’t you think you’re overreacting a bit?”

“I’m overreacting?!” he exclaims, “Sweetie, did you see Dwayne earlier? He could do some serious damage to you and the last thing I want is you being put in danger because of the decisions that I make. You shouldn’t have to take any shit because of me.” The nurse sighs under her breath but has clearly given up calling him out on his language.

“I’m hardly in danger. He made one comment about me and I wasn’t even offended so I don’t know why you were.”

“Because people use you against me okay?!” he cries, raising his voice slightly. I grab his arm and hold him still, capturing his wild eyes with my own. His facial expression soon mellows and he calms down again, taking a deep breath before continuing speaking. “People have figured out that I care about you and they make these stupid comments because they know it will get a reaction out of me.”

“Then don’t react to it and they’ll stop.”

“Oh yeah, cos it’s that easy,” he scoffs, “He’s so fucking arrogant and full of himself. Like you’d even take a second look at him, fucking moron.” I let out a blunt laugh, noting that Charlie is the most hypocritical person I’ve ever met.

“That’s rich coming from you.”

“At least I can actually get girls. He just likes to think he can, but truth is, even his own fucking girlfriend would rather sleep with me than him.”

“Charlie,” I say, cringing as a picture of he and Miranda together enters my mind.

“What?”

“Let’s not talk about that.”

“Why? Are you jealous?” he teases, raising one eyebrow.

“No Charlie, I’m not,” I assure, my voice monotonous, “We went through this, remember?”

“Yes, but I don’t recall you objecting when I kissed you either.” My cheeks heat up and I glance at the nurse, who is busy filling in paperwork, pretending not to be listening.

“This isn’t-this isn’t what I-I came here to talk about,” I say, fumbling over my words because I’m getting stupidly flustered. This doesn’t go unnoticed by Charlie, who is smirking arrogantly to himself, seemingly proud of the effect he has on me. If only he knew the half of it.

“Well I don’t know what you want me to say,” he rationalises, his voice raising an octave, “I’m not mad at you. You know I’m not mad at you. And you’re not mad at me either. We’re fine.”

“I know. I just worry about you.” I chew on my bottom lip, looking down at the ground as I fidget uncomfortably.

“You don’t need to worry about me,” he reassures, his tone gentler than usual.

I stare at him for a second, wishing he could just read my mind and see things how I do because that’d be so much easier than trying to explain it. Instead he forces a sympathetic smile and his smile is so lovely that I can’t stop myself from sliding my arms around his shoulders and pulling him into a hug.

A surprised laugh escapes his mouth but his arms find their way around my waist. I bury my head in the crook of his neck and inhale his scent which is calming and familiar. We sit like that for a while and then he pulls away, his right hand moving to cup the side of my face.

“Everything’ll be okay,” he promises, stating it as though it’s an obvious fact.

I nod although I’m not entirely convinced.

“You get home,” he instructs, “Stan’s probably still around somewhere to give you a lift if you’re quick. I’ll ring you later, okay?”

I nod and smile and Charlie briefly touches his lips to my cheek and then moves his hand from the side of my face.

“Try and stay out of trouble in the meantime,” I encourage as I stand up and open the door, “Please.”

“I’ll do my best.”