What He Left Behind

We chat for the first couple of hours but then I must fall asleep, for when I wake up, we are entering Hermosa Beach. Despite being the middle of the night, the town is abuzz. The roads are still busy and everything is lit up. Throngs of people crowd the main roads, laughing and chattering, some of them stumbling about drunk. The roads are lined with state of the art buildings, so I figure this must be the nicer part of town.

“It’s so pretty here,” I gasp, staring out the window.

“Yeah, it’s a bit different to back in Georgia, huh?” she laughs.

We drive for a few minutes longer until we arrive at an apartment block a few blocks back from the main road. The lush green lawns and palm trees lead up to a white stone building that has balconies and patios lining the outside. It looks expensive and modern and new, as though it’s only recently been built or refurbished. Excited, I jump out of Rena’s car, pulling my bag behind me.

“How can you have so much energy at this time of night?” she mutters, before adding, “Oh yeah, because you slept the whole fucking way here.”

“Sorry,” I laugh, smiling guiltily.

“Just get inside you lazy madam,” she orders, pointing to the door of her ground floor apartment. We get inside and the apartment is incredible. The tile stone floor hallway leads into an open kitchen, living and dining area. In the left half of the room is a grey corner couch and an armchair, facing the flat screen plasma television. There is also a playpen. Beyond that is a set of glass doors opening out onto a small patio area. The granite counter of the kitchen which runs along the right hand side of the room is spotless aside from a few decorative ornaments and some kitchen appliances. Then there is another counter running parallel to the first, which serves as a breakfast bar and has two bar stools sitting on the side closest to the door. In the far corner by the window which looks out over the rest of the apartment complex is a small square table, three chairs and a high chair. It is small and simple, but tasteful and tidy.

“This place is really nice,” I admire.

“Thank you. It’s not usually this clean. Wait until Jacob gets home tomorrow and he’ll tear the place up.”

“What are kids for if not to ransack the house?” I ask rhetorically.

“Exactly,” she grins, “I’ll show you your room.” I follow her back into the entrance hallway and down the corridor to the spare bedroom. There is a double bed in the centre of the room with a small bedside unit either side. To my left is a chest of drawers and to my right is a wardrobe. In keeping with the rest of the house, it is neat and tidy and tastefully decorated.

“Bathroom is down the corridor, first door on the left. If you want a shower in the morning, towels are on the rail. Help yourself to any food or drink, literally whatever you want. Just make yourself at home.”

“Thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome. Get some sleep.”

“Okay.”

“Goodnight,” she mutters, rubbing her eyes as she leaves the room. I open my bag and unpack some of my things before slipping into some flannel shorts and a navy blue top and tying my hair up into a bun.

I smile contentedly as I sit down in bed, still struggling to comprehend this whole situation. Despite it being completely unexpected, it’s worked out surprisingly well. It’s hard to believe that Austin had a girlfriend, but I’m so glad that he picked someone as great as Rena instead of one of those dodgy people he thought were his friends. The fact that she’s done so well for herself is amazing. She went from being a broke addict in a small town in Georgia, to finding out she’s expecting just weeks after losing her baby’s father, to moving across the country, getting clean, building a solid career and being the most loving mum possible.

It gives me hope in a way. Up until now I thought that turning out like Austin was the only possible fate for Charlie, but what if he’s like Rena instead? What if he cleans up his act and gets out of town
and makes something of himself? What if he has a chance after all?

-

By the time morning arrives, I’ve figured out a way to help Charlie. I know that addicts won’t quit unless they have a damn good reason. In Rena’s case, it was that she had a child. She knew that she’d lost everything, and that her baby was the only thing she had left, therefore she was so careful not to do anything that could risk her losing him.

Charlie’s similar to her in a way. He started with little and now he has even less, so he figures he has nothing to lose by taking drugs. To help him, I need to find something that will convince him to change. He needs a reason to get better. Finding a reason is easier said than done though.
Sitting up, I swivel my legs onto the floor and shiver when my feet touch the cold ground. Rummaging through my bag, I find and put on some fluffy socks and a grey hoodie to keep warm, and then I go into the kitchen. Rena is already up and dressed and cooking breakfast, despite it being only 9am.

“Good morning,” she grins with far too much enthusiasm for so early on in the day. I don’t know how she can be so wide awake having driven for six hours yesterday and not gone to bed until a stupid hour of the night.

“Hey,” I mutter, slumping down onto one of the bar stools, “How are you up so early?”

“It’s become a habit since I’ve had Jacob,” she explains, “I get up about half an hour before he does and do some yoga. Then when he wakes, we eat breakfast and watch some television together before getting dressed and ready for the day. Are you tired?”

“Yeah.”

“Well I made breakfast so hopefully that will wake you up,” she announces, placing a tray down in front of me, “If you don’t like anything, just leave it and Jacob will eat it for his morning snack.” I look down at the tray in front of me. There is a plate of toast, some fruit, a tub of margarine, a jar of jam, yoghurt, a glass of water and a cup of coffee.

“Rena you didn’t have to do this.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

“Thank you so much.”

“You’re most welcome my lovely,” she grins, “Right, I’ve got to pick up Jacob so are you alright here for a little bit?”

“Yeah,” I nod, feeling excited but completely unprepared for meeting my late brother’s son.

“Great. If you need anything, just look around and help yourself to whatever. I’ll be about half an hour.”

I mutter a goodbye and then quickly eat my breakfast before going to get showered and dressed.

I’m an absolute mess of nerves, which is stupid because Jacob’s only a kid; it’s not like he’ll remember his first time meeting me or understand what a big deal this is.

It’s just so huge because Jacob is a part of Austin. Jacob is my brother’s son. Jacob’s the closest thing there is to Austin and the whole idea is so surreal but thrilling but nerve-wracking all at once.
I wonder if he’s similar to Austin at all. Even though he’s never met his father, does he take after him in some way? I hope he does. I hope he’s loving and kind like Austin and I hope he’s polite and funny but I also hope he’s confident and determined like Rena and that he’s fun and happy and always able to look on the bright-side.

-

When the front door opens, my heart starts to pound so hard I can feel it in my toes and my fingers and everywhere else. I carefully get to my feet, feeling as though everything is happening in slow
motion.

Rena walks into the room balancing on her hip the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen, although I am of course biased. I breathe in sharply, my eyes exploring every inch of him, taking in all the parts of my brother that Jacob has inherited. He’s got caramel coloured hair like Austin and sienna brown eyes like both his parents. He has Rena’s small narrow nose and Austin’s wide boyish smile. I feel close to Austin for the first time since he died and tears suddenly spring to my eyes – not sad tears, but tears of relief.

“Say hello Jacob,” Rena instructs. Jacob grins and lifts his hand to wave. I inhale deeply, trying to collect my thoughts, but it’s difficult because this is such a huge moment and I’m completely in awe of Jacob and everything about him and how he is a part of my brother.

“This is Auntie Noelle,” Rena explains to her son before asking me, “Do you want to hold him?” I nod quickly, taking another deep breath in an attempt to calm the butterflies in my stomach.

“Do you want to give Auntie Noelle a cuddle?” Rena asks, carefully handing Jacob to me. I balance him on my hip like Rena did. Jacob laughs a little and wraps his hand around my finger. He starts babbling away and I can’t understand a word of what he’s saying, but he’s Austin’s and he’s here and he’s the most beautiful thing in the world.

-

After having a twelve o’clock lunch, we go to the apartment complex swimming pool. I offer to go in the pool with Jacob so that Rena can get on with some work, and so that I can spend some quality time with him. Jacob squeals excitedly when we put him in his flotation device in the water.

“Does he like the water?” I ask Rena as she starts up her laptop at the poolside.

“He loves it – has done since he was born. I wanted to get him used to the water as soon as
possible, and I wanted to shift the baby weight. The pool’s here so we might aswell use it.”

“Yeah, it’s great. I’d be in here every day if I lived here.”

“I was at first. We moved here in May and every spare second we had we’d spend in the pool. I’m lucky that I’m in a pretty secure position financially now but I’m still careful with money and this saves taking him on expensive days out.”

“You have to be with a kid to look after.”

“Yeah exactly. I take Jacob out when I can but free access to the pool is included in the cost of the apartment so I may aswell get as much use out of it as I can.”

“I don’t blame you. Jacob doesn’t seem like he’ll be getting bored of it any time soon.”

For the next hour, I swim in the pool with Jacob as he babbles on, making the odd sound I’m able to understand. By about two o’clock, Jacob is getting tired and we go back inside so that he can be put down for his nap. Rena makes some coffee and the two of us sit at the breakfast bar looking through photos of Jacob. Given that Rena’s passion is photography, and that she absolutely dotes on her son, it’s no surprise she’s documented everything throughout the pregnancy and ever since.

“I made this for Jacob,” she tells me, taking out a black spiral bound scrapbook. On the front is a photo of Jacob taken just minutes after he’d been born, and his full name written neatly in silver glitter pen. “It’s a scrapbook of everything. I have my own but I thought it’d be nice for him to have one too. It’s got pictures of Austin and I, starting from back when we met, because I want Jacob to know how wonderful his dad was. There are pictures of the pregnancy and the birth and everything since.” I smile, carefully opening the scrapbook and looking inside, feeling confident now that I’ll be able to look at photos of my brother without breaking down.

“That was our first proper date,” Rena explains, pointing to the first picture, “We were both broke as fuck because that’s what being an addict does to you, but it was Christmas Eve and Austin was adamant he wanted to take me out, so we went for dinner in the cheapest restaurant in Marietta and we sat there for hours, learning everything there was to learn about each other.”

“Do you ever get scared you’ll forget what it felt like when you were with him? Like you’ll forget how in love with him you were?”

“No,” she tells me without a hint of doubt, “I couldn’t. I’ll never forget the intense relief I felt in those early days, the feeling of being whole again, as though all those broken pieces had suddenly been stuck back together with super glue. When you’re little you watch all these movies about love and then you grow up and you’re crushed when you realise that love in real life isn’t like love in the movies. You realise that love that intense doesn’t exist in real life. But then I met Austin and suddenly I felt like my life was a movie. I loved him so much. It was so strong and all-consuming and it made me feel like nothing that happened before mattered because when I was with him all I could think about was him and how lucky I was and how everything in the universe was in my favour.”

She smiles the widest smile at the memory, and I do too because even though I was completely oblivious to their secret relationship at the time, she speaks about it with such passion and adoration that the love they shared is almost tangible. I can see it in the photos and I can hear it in Rena’s voice and I can feel it in the deepest parts of my soul, because I can relate. I can relate to every word she says and I can understand just how deep her feelings were for him, for the way that she felt about my brother is the same way I feel about Charlie.