What He Left Behind

The next day is New Year’s Eve, the day of Battle of the Bands where Charlie’s band will be playing to a bigger crowd that they’ve ever played before. I get up and ready, putting on a black hoodie with the band’s name printed on the back. When I go downstairs, I’m surprised to see my mother and father sitting at the table together.

“Morning,” I greet, “This is different.”

“I thought we could all eat breakfast together today,” my dad announces, “Since we couldn’t at Christmas.”

I roll my eyes at my father’s not so subtle dig at me, but refrain from pointing out that we probably wouldn’t have eaten together on Christmas anyway. While everything is going well for a change, I don’t want to sabotage it. If my parents want to make an effort then I’ll happily cooperate.

Dad opens the fridge and takes out the ingredients we need for breakfast, and I figure I should help him since I don’t think he’s cooked anything in his life, unless you count the microwave meals and pot noodles he apparently lived off of when he was in college.

I read somewhere that people with depression often feel like they’re useless, so I figure that one way to help my mother is to make her feel useful.

“Do you want to make the toast mum?” I ask her and she takes a minute to process what I’m saying but then agrees, getting up and taking the bread from the worktop.

We eat together and I ask my parents what their plans are for the day. Dad says he’s got the day off work so we could do something together, and I have to awkwardly explain that I have plans. Trust dad to pick the one day I have plans I can’t back out of to suggest playing happy families.

“What are you doing exactly?” he asks.

“I’m going to a gig,” I reply, cautious that dad is not Charlie’s biggest fan so it’s best not to mention names. Instead, I point to the logo on my jumper, figuring he’s not about to start asking questions about who’s in the band.

Thankfully, he just asks simple questions like what time it starts and where it is and he doesn’t object to me telling him I’m staying out and will be back in the morning. In fact, he offers to drop me ‘at my friend’s’ in the early afternoon.

If I’d have known that finding out about their grandson would lead to this sort of transformation then I would have told them weeks ago.

-

By the time I arrive at Charlie’s, I still don’t have a clue what exactly I’m going to say to him. I tried figuring it out in the car, but I’m far too impetuous for planning ahead or rehearsing dramatic declarations of love. Besides, rehearsing some kind of speech just makes the whole situation more formal and surreal.

Charlie opens the door wearing nothing but black jeans and a couple of studded belts and I’m relieved my father drove off before he could see just how heavily tattooed Charlie is, otherwise he’d probably be taking me straight back home again.

“Noelle, I don’t know what to wear,” he whines before I can even say hi. I bite my lip, resisting the urge to tell him I’d be quite happy for him to stay the way he is. Maybe I am in love with him but I’m still far too stubborn to admit quite how attractive I find him.

“Let me help you,” I say instead, walking up the stairs to his room. After impatiently waiting around while Charlie changes several times, perfects his eyeliner and spends longer doing his hair than I spend doing a full-face of make-up, I’m beginning to regret coming round so early. Then again, he does look kinda hot so it’s not the worst thing in the world.

“What’s the plan for tonight then?” I ask Charlie as we go downstairs to get something to eat.

“We need to leave here in about an hour and then we’ll set up at the venue. Doors open at 7:00. There are five bands playing. We all have half hour slots. We’re on at 9:45 and the winner is announced at 11:30. The bar stays open until the early hours. I talked the owner into letting us stay but I think he’ll boot out anyone else that’s underage. We can crash here when we’re done. Sound good?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” I say, grinning, “Are you excited?”

Charlie nods casually, but I know him well enough to know he’s absolutely ecstatic. Performing is his
outlet and anyone would be crazy not to see how happy he is on stage. His charisma and his energy makes him a natural performer.

“Nervous?”

He shrugs. I glance at the clock, knowing that I need to tell him now. I’ll only keep putting it off otherwise.

“Can I ask you something Charlie?” I ask, trying not to sound too serious.

“Yeah, shoot.”

“I just,” I pause, oddly nervous. “I guess I just wanted to ask where we stand with each other. Like I know now probably isn’t the best time to bring this all up but I keep thinking about what happened in LA and how we are with each other. That’s not how normal friends act and I just wanted to kind of see if we’re on the same page.”

“Well what page are you on?” he asks, his tone offering little suggestion as to his feelings on the matter. I suck my lips together and take a deep breath, noting his laid back body language, how he is leaning against the kitchen counter with his legs extended out to the floor. I try to mimic his casual stature but it’s difficult when I know how much is riding on this.

“I like you Charlie,” I admit, “I like you a lot, as more than a friend. Actually no, I’m in love with you. I’m really in love with you. I don’t want to make things awkward if you’re not on the same page but I just wanted you to know I’m love with you.”

Charlie’s lips curve into his stupid smirk and he is quiet for a second, his eyes trained on me. I guarantee he would be running his hand through his hair in that way he does if he hadn’t just spent forever styling it.

“I know,” he says finally, after keeping me waiting for what felt like forever. Did it really take him an eternity to think of those two words?

“You knew?” I ask, surprised and suddenly feeling embarrassed.

“Yeah. You don’t hide it very well. In fact, you don’t hide anything very well from me. You’re an open book and you’re yourself when we’re together, and that’s one of the reasons why I’m in love with you too.”

“What?” I gasp, my eyes wide and focused solely on him.

“You heard,” he retorts, before grinning. “I’m in love with you too. It’s weird as shit because I never thought I’d fall for anyone in my life but I have which sucks because I used to have my shit together and I used to not care who I hurt and I used to know my priorities but then you came along and suddenly your clothes are all over my house and your CDs are in my car and you voice won’t get out of my head and all I can think about is you. And you drive me insane sometimes but I can’t stay mad at you ever because you’re you and you’re my best friend and you’ve got me saying dumb shit like this and that’s how I know I’m in love with you.”

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” I ask, smiling widely because I would never believe Charlie would act like this if I wasn’t witnessing it for myself. “If you knew I felt the same, why didn’t you say something?”

Charlie breaks eye contact, staring down at the ground, and without his eyes trained on me, I
remember we’re not the only two people in the world.

“Because you’re you,” he announces, before forcing himself to look at me again, making everything slow down because he’s all I can think about. “You’re smart and you’re honest and you’re a good person. If I told you how I felt, I knew what it would lead to and I don’t want that because you deserve the best.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not good for you,” he explains, speaking slowly and carefully, “I can’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You’re incredible and you’ve got a real bright future ahead of you and I don’t want to ruin that. I can’t give you what you need.”

“What are you talking about? I don’t need you to give me anything. I love everything how it is. I just want to be able to hug you when I’m going to sleep and kiss you whenever I want and I want to be able to call you mine.”

“You can sweetie. You can do any of those things. I’ve been yours for a long time,” he assures, laughing a little, before a dark look crosses his face again. “But I can’t give you a relationship.”

“Why? What’s so hard about it? I’m in love with you and you’re in love with me. What else matters?”

“Noelle, you’re not listening to me,” he sighs, using his patronising authoritative tone again, “I’m not good for you. Why can’t you see that?! You’re kind to people until they give you a reason not to be and I treat every person I meet like shit. You fight for what you believe in and I fight people for no reason. You give everything you have to one person, and I’m so fucking lucky that that person is me, but I sleep around and hurt people’s feelings. You cope with all the shit that’s thrown at you, and I just take it out on everyone else. You deserve the world Noelle, you really do. You deserve someone who is every bit as great as you are, and I’m not that person.”

He breathes in sharply, dropping his head in his hands. I see more resemblance to Austin in him than ever before. He despises himself. He’s so ashamed and disgusted at what he is. He puts on this front of being arrogant and cocky but the truth is, he’s so full of self-loathing that he has to shoot up on drugs every morning just so he can make it through the day.

It kills me that he can’t see how wonderful he is. He’s not a saint, I know that. I’m not so infatuated that I’m oblivious to his flaws, but he’s not a monster like he thinks he is. I have to make him see that. I can’t let him carry on hating himself like this or he’ll end up like Austin and I’m really not sure I could cope with that.

“I don’t want anyone else though Charlie; I want you. Don’t you see? Before you, I’d never let anyone kiss me and I’d never let anyone have control over me and I never told anyone about Austin and I never let anyone see me cry. I was shut off just the same way you are. We were both so isolated and insistent that we could handle everything ourselves, but that’s changing now. Remember on Austin’s birthday when we talked about everything? You told me about your mum and I told you about my brother and for the first time, we let someone in. You can’t tell me that didn’t mean anything.”

“Of course it meant something!” he snaps.

“Then why are you so sure this is a bad idea? I love you Charlie. I love you because you’re so goal driven and because you know exactly where you’re going in life and because you know how to shut me up when I’m being stubborn and because I don’t have to have my guard up around you. When I’m with you, I forget about everything else that’s going on because you’re all I can think about and I love it. I love how you make everything okay.”

“Stop it,” he demands.

“Stop what?”

“Putting me up on a pedestal!” he barks, his voice aggressive, “Stop making me sound like something I’m not. I’m not goal-driven. I want to be a musician because that’s all I’m good for. I do it because it’s the only option I have. It’s not some lifelong dream that I’ve been working towards since I was a kid. Stop glamorising it. I do it because it’s the only thing I know I can do.”

“No you don’t.”

“You’re being stubborn again,” he points out, the smallest smile flickering across his face for a brief second.

“I’m being honest. Don’t you dare tell me this isn’t what you were born to do Charlie. You own the stage when you’re up there. You put your heart and soul into your music. I’ve never seen you look as at home as you do when you’re on stage. You’ve worked hard for that. You can’t convince me any different.”

“Okay, fine. You’re right! I love the band and I want to sing!” he shouts, “Fucking great. That doesn’t change the fact I can’t give you what you need.”

I sigh in defeat, knowing that the shame Charlie feels for himself is too deep-rooted to be fixed by a few compliments from me.

Maybe Charlie is right about this being a bad idea. Maybe I am just a stupid naïve girl who knows nothing about life and love, who’s blinkered by Charlie’s good looks and confident charm and bad boy reputation, who’s about to hand her love-struck heart over to the devil himself without a thought as to how badly it could end.

Or maybe I’m the smart one. Maybe everyone else has got it wrong, ignorantly believing Charlie’s every bit as bad as his reputation, without looking closely enough to see the talented but hurting boy underneath it all that wants nothing more than to be successful and loved.

Maybe this is a recipe for disaster, or maybe it’s the start of something great. It seems that at the moment, everything is this one giant ‘maybe’, but there are two things which I know for certain. I’m in love with Charlie and Charlie’s in love with me. I can’t spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been. We’re good together, despite what Charlie says. I know that we’re good together, our friends know we’re good together, and deep down, Charlie knows it too. We have something special, something too good to just let go. I have to convince him this is worth it.

So I pull together all of the courage I have, pretending for one second that everything is as simple as I wish it was. I take a step towards Charlie and lace my fingers with his. He doesn’t even try to reject the gesture, and that’s how I know that deep down, he wants this too.

When I look up, our eyes connect and the atmosphere is electric. I hold his gaze as I slide my hands up his arms and around his neck, touching every inch of his skin, tracing every tattoo, memorizing every piece of him. I daringly run my fingers through his perfectly-groomed hair, careful not to mess it up, and then cup his cheek. His facial expression looks pained as he turns his head and presses a firm kiss to my left wrist.

“Please Charlie,” I whisper, “Please give me a chance.” I look him in the eye, willing him to say yes, silently pleading for him to agree. For a long time, he looks conflicted and troubled, but then I smile a bit and then he smiles a lot and then he sighs in exasperation.

“Okay,” he says quietly and now I can’t stop smiling. He closes the small gap between us and presses his lips tenderly to mine. I’m so happy I can’t help but smile into the kiss. Because even though there are a thousand things that could go wrong, a fact which both Charlie and I are all too aware of, right now everything is okay.