Status: Haitus
What Do You Want From Me?
08
Delaney could remember many fond memories spent with the boys of All Time Low. She could think of countless barbeques with too much beer that resulted in impromptu sleepovers at whosever’s house that they were at. She remembered laughing so hard at the terrible films they would watch during their monthly movie nights, sometimes causing liquid to come flying out of nostrils or mouths. She remembered getting sweaty at local band concerts with everyone, barely able to breathe as they screamed the lyrics and lost themselves in the music. She remembered crying the day that Jack and herself announced to everyone that they had decided they were better off separate. She remembered watching the boys play sold out hometown shows, the crowds screaming along with them.
She could remember so many memories, both happy and sad, that she had shared with the group. She could remember sharing so much with them in the years they had been friends. But not a single one of her memories with any of them felt like this.
She couldn’t remember feeling scared of rejection or judgment. She couldn’t remember ever feeling shy or timid. She couldn’t remember feeling so small amongst all of her friends. She couldn’t remember feeling like the silence amongst them might actually remove all the air from her lungs and kill her slowly. She couldn’t remember ever feeling so small amongst the people she considered to be more family than anything else.
That’s how she felt in this moment though., sitting in the passenger seat of her own SUV (after Jack took her keys and offered her a sympathetic smile) as her and the boys made their way to a diner near Jack’s house. The only sound in the car was the music, volume turned up just loud enough for everyone to hear, yet too quiet to cancel out the painful silence that she was sitting in.
A piece of her, albeit a small piece, really hated Jack in this moment. As far as her pregnancy brain was concerned, this was all entirely his fault. He guilted her into coming to pick them up from the airport, despite her nerves, despite her apprehension, and despite the fact that she simple wasn’t ready for this confrontation. But he guilted her, she went, and now here she was, in such a loud silence that she wanted to fling herself out of the car.
In all the time that she had known she was pregnant, she had put off trying to figure out what she would tell everyone. How was she going to explain that she was 4 ½ months pregnant? She thought about saying she went to a clinic to get pregnant, but even she couldn’t picture herself doing that. When babies were brought up while she was dating Jack, she had explained that she wasn’t really sure she wanted kids, that her biological clock must be broken or something. Everyone knew she hadn’t been seeing anyone for a while. They would have noticed. Jack always knew if she had a date and who it was with and where it would be held. She told Jack in case someone decided to kidnap and murder her, however dramatic and paranoid that made her seem. Jack also was terrible about keeping that information to herself, so within a few hours, everyone usually knew.
Now here she was, panicking more by the second as Jacked parked the car in front of the diner, cutting off the engine. Time was practically up and she still didn’t know what she planned on saying to explain the sudden pregnancy. She didn’t really have a good lie, and she needed a really good, really believable lie. Despite Jack’s best efforts (which had been frequent and many), she still didn’t want to tell Alex that this was his kid.
She had even spent a good deal of time thinking about it. She knew no one would care that her and Alex had been sleeping together. But she didn’t want to give this to Alex when he gave her nothing but heartache. It was selfish, sure, but every time she pictured telling the truth, she pictured Alex disappointing their child. She pictured sad eyes looking at her when he didn’t show up for plays, musical performances, field trips or sports games. Telling Alex he had a child guaranteed that she’d be passing on the heartache she had to endure from Alex not wanting her. She didn’t want her child to feel even an ounce of unwantedness.
They got out of the car, and headed inside the diner, Jack walking over to her and wrapping his arm around her shoulders as they headed inside. She leaned into him a bit, cursing herself as they made their way to a table, for not being able to say this kid was Jack’s.
She’d considered asking Jack if he’d pretend to be the father. She didn’t though, because that was asking too much. The lie was too big. They’d have to come up with a story about sleeping together again. They’d have to answer questions about a relationship they didn’t have. And worse, Jack would then be on the hook for a kid that wasn’t his, that would never look like him, for eternity. He’d have to lie to everyone, including his family, and she couldn’t ask him to do that, or do that to any of his family. Jack was too good to her, she loved him too much, to ask something so impossible of him. Because she knew that if she asked, he would probably say yes.
She sighed as she sat down in the booth next to Jack, fitting comfortably on the end of the booth, across from Alex of all people. It’s like life was taunting her, haunting her for her mistake of falling in love with him. She couldn’t get an ounce of breathing room today.
The waitress taking their drink order, brining their drinks, and taking their lunch order passed by in a blur. Suddenly, Delaney was the center of attention, all eyes on her.
“You know, the more you stare and remain silent, the more awkward and uncomfortable I become. So do you think you guys could maybe just, I don’t know, say something?” She said, looking at the boys in front of her. She wanted this to be over with, and sitting in a heavy silence wasn’t going to expedite the process.
“So you’re pregnant?” Rian asked, ending the peace.
“Yea. I am.” She said, nodding in confirmation. Jack reached over and squeezed her hand, giving her a small smile.
“How long has Jack obviously known?” Zack asked.
“When I didn’t come out on tour, and Jack flew out to see what was wrong. He found out then. He went to the doctor’s appointment with me where I got to see the baby.” She said, cracking a small smile. “He thought I might be dying before he found out. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look relieved and then more concerned in the same look.”
“So you’ve known for over a month?” Rian asked. “You knew for that long and didn’t tell us? Who is the father?”
“I didn’t really plan this.” She said timidly. She signed. “It wasn’t something I anticipated happening. And I don’t really want to talk about how it happened or who was involved. It’s not something I feel comfortable talking about, however hard that might be for you all to understanding. But I’m asking you. Please do not push this. I don’t w
ant to go down that road. This road” she said, looking at her stomach “is hard enough for me right now as it is. And as far as I’m concerned, there is no father. So please, just leave this one alone.”
“You know you can tell any of us anything right?” Zack asked, and Delaney nodded.
“Of course I know that. And I do tell you all everything. And it’s not that I don’t want to tell you. I just want to put the past behind me and move on because it’s something that hurts to think about.”
“If she wants any of us to know anything, she’ll tell us, right Laney?” Jack asked, the hidden meaning completely missed by everyone else. Delaney nodded nonetheless.
“I…Did someone.” Alex started, trying his hardest to get his motor functions to cooperate as his mind reeled from this new information. “Were you hurt?” Alex asked, and suddenly, as the thought dawned on the other two men who were blissfully unaware of the truth, the air became thick and the tension was heavy.
‘No. Oh no. No. No. No.” She said, shaking her head profusely. “No one forced me into anything.” Loud sighs erupted. “I promise, if it were something like that, I would tell you.”
“Good. That’s good” Alex said nodding, and Delaney looked at him, trying her best to decipher the look on his face. She hadn’t even seen it before, and she couldn’t quire decipher what he was thinking or feeling.
“I just don’t want things to be any different. Which is why I waited to tell you. I’ve barely come to terms with what’s going on, and I just didn’t want to lose you all or for anything to change. I just wanted some normalcy, while you guys were away, and I could only really talk to you, it was really easy to pretend that life was carrying on as normal. And I’d really like for life to keep carrying on as normal as possible throughout the rest of this damn pregnancy. I’m only about half way through, and it already sucks, and its going to suck more and more. I just, I need you all to be ok with this and ok that I’m asking to have this one little thing to myself.”
Weary faces looked back at her. She could see the conflicting battle going on in all of their faces. She sighed, looking at Jack, who also looked uneasy. He didn’t have the same conflict. He still wanted Delaney to tell them about Alex. He wanted her to tell Alex he was the father. The problem was, Jack wanted everything that Delaney couldn’t give.
“I’m just happy your safe. I won’t push it if you don’t want to talk about it. But I am always here if you do want to talk about it, ok?” Rian’s voice caught her off guard, but she was more than relieved to hear his response. Zack and Alex looked at Rian, but eventually nodded and agreed as well.
“Ok great!” Delaney said, perky up a little as the waitress came with their food. “Thank god. I’m starving” She said, as her waffle as set down in front of her. She knew now that everything would be ok between all of them. Everything would be ok as long as she could keep her secret.
She could remember so many memories, both happy and sad, that she had shared with the group. She could remember sharing so much with them in the years they had been friends. But not a single one of her memories with any of them felt like this.
She couldn’t remember feeling scared of rejection or judgment. She couldn’t remember ever feeling shy or timid. She couldn’t remember feeling so small amongst all of her friends. She couldn’t remember feeling like the silence amongst them might actually remove all the air from her lungs and kill her slowly. She couldn’t remember ever feeling so small amongst the people she considered to be more family than anything else.
That’s how she felt in this moment though., sitting in the passenger seat of her own SUV (after Jack took her keys and offered her a sympathetic smile) as her and the boys made their way to a diner near Jack’s house. The only sound in the car was the music, volume turned up just loud enough for everyone to hear, yet too quiet to cancel out the painful silence that she was sitting in.
A piece of her, albeit a small piece, really hated Jack in this moment. As far as her pregnancy brain was concerned, this was all entirely his fault. He guilted her into coming to pick them up from the airport, despite her nerves, despite her apprehension, and despite the fact that she simple wasn’t ready for this confrontation. But he guilted her, she went, and now here she was, in such a loud silence that she wanted to fling herself out of the car.
In all the time that she had known she was pregnant, she had put off trying to figure out what she would tell everyone. How was she going to explain that she was 4 ½ months pregnant? She thought about saying she went to a clinic to get pregnant, but even she couldn’t picture herself doing that. When babies were brought up while she was dating Jack, she had explained that she wasn’t really sure she wanted kids, that her biological clock must be broken or something. Everyone knew she hadn’t been seeing anyone for a while. They would have noticed. Jack always knew if she had a date and who it was with and where it would be held. She told Jack in case someone decided to kidnap and murder her, however dramatic and paranoid that made her seem. Jack also was terrible about keeping that information to herself, so within a few hours, everyone usually knew.
Now here she was, panicking more by the second as Jacked parked the car in front of the diner, cutting off the engine. Time was practically up and she still didn’t know what she planned on saying to explain the sudden pregnancy. She didn’t really have a good lie, and she needed a really good, really believable lie. Despite Jack’s best efforts (which had been frequent and many), she still didn’t want to tell Alex that this was his kid.
She had even spent a good deal of time thinking about it. She knew no one would care that her and Alex had been sleeping together. But she didn’t want to give this to Alex when he gave her nothing but heartache. It was selfish, sure, but every time she pictured telling the truth, she pictured Alex disappointing their child. She pictured sad eyes looking at her when he didn’t show up for plays, musical performances, field trips or sports games. Telling Alex he had a child guaranteed that she’d be passing on the heartache she had to endure from Alex not wanting her. She didn’t want her child to feel even an ounce of unwantedness.
They got out of the car, and headed inside the diner, Jack walking over to her and wrapping his arm around her shoulders as they headed inside. She leaned into him a bit, cursing herself as they made their way to a table, for not being able to say this kid was Jack’s.
She’d considered asking Jack if he’d pretend to be the father. She didn’t though, because that was asking too much. The lie was too big. They’d have to come up with a story about sleeping together again. They’d have to answer questions about a relationship they didn’t have. And worse, Jack would then be on the hook for a kid that wasn’t his, that would never look like him, for eternity. He’d have to lie to everyone, including his family, and she couldn’t ask him to do that, or do that to any of his family. Jack was too good to her, she loved him too much, to ask something so impossible of him. Because she knew that if she asked, he would probably say yes.
She sighed as she sat down in the booth next to Jack, fitting comfortably on the end of the booth, across from Alex of all people. It’s like life was taunting her, haunting her for her mistake of falling in love with him. She couldn’t get an ounce of breathing room today.
The waitress taking their drink order, brining their drinks, and taking their lunch order passed by in a blur. Suddenly, Delaney was the center of attention, all eyes on her.
“You know, the more you stare and remain silent, the more awkward and uncomfortable I become. So do you think you guys could maybe just, I don’t know, say something?” She said, looking at the boys in front of her. She wanted this to be over with, and sitting in a heavy silence wasn’t going to expedite the process.
“So you’re pregnant?” Rian asked, ending the peace.
“Yea. I am.” She said, nodding in confirmation. Jack reached over and squeezed her hand, giving her a small smile.
“How long has Jack obviously known?” Zack asked.
“When I didn’t come out on tour, and Jack flew out to see what was wrong. He found out then. He went to the doctor’s appointment with me where I got to see the baby.” She said, cracking a small smile. “He thought I might be dying before he found out. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look relieved and then more concerned in the same look.”
“So you’ve known for over a month?” Rian asked. “You knew for that long and didn’t tell us? Who is the father?”
“I didn’t really plan this.” She said timidly. She signed. “It wasn’t something I anticipated happening. And I don’t really want to talk about how it happened or who was involved. It’s not something I feel comfortable talking about, however hard that might be for you all to understanding. But I’m asking you. Please do not push this. I don’t w
ant to go down that road. This road” she said, looking at her stomach “is hard enough for me right now as it is. And as far as I’m concerned, there is no father. So please, just leave this one alone.”
“You know you can tell any of us anything right?” Zack asked, and Delaney nodded.
“Of course I know that. And I do tell you all everything. And it’s not that I don’t want to tell you. I just want to put the past behind me and move on because it’s something that hurts to think about.”
“If she wants any of us to know anything, she’ll tell us, right Laney?” Jack asked, the hidden meaning completely missed by everyone else. Delaney nodded nonetheless.
“I…Did someone.” Alex started, trying his hardest to get his motor functions to cooperate as his mind reeled from this new information. “Were you hurt?” Alex asked, and suddenly, as the thought dawned on the other two men who were blissfully unaware of the truth, the air became thick and the tension was heavy.
‘No. Oh no. No. No. No.” She said, shaking her head profusely. “No one forced me into anything.” Loud sighs erupted. “I promise, if it were something like that, I would tell you.”
“Good. That’s good” Alex said nodding, and Delaney looked at him, trying her best to decipher the look on his face. She hadn’t even seen it before, and she couldn’t quire decipher what he was thinking or feeling.
“I just don’t want things to be any different. Which is why I waited to tell you. I’ve barely come to terms with what’s going on, and I just didn’t want to lose you all or for anything to change. I just wanted some normalcy, while you guys were away, and I could only really talk to you, it was really easy to pretend that life was carrying on as normal. And I’d really like for life to keep carrying on as normal as possible throughout the rest of this damn pregnancy. I’m only about half way through, and it already sucks, and its going to suck more and more. I just, I need you all to be ok with this and ok that I’m asking to have this one little thing to myself.”
Weary faces looked back at her. She could see the conflicting battle going on in all of their faces. She sighed, looking at Jack, who also looked uneasy. He didn’t have the same conflict. He still wanted Delaney to tell them about Alex. He wanted her to tell Alex he was the father. The problem was, Jack wanted everything that Delaney couldn’t give.
“I’m just happy your safe. I won’t push it if you don’t want to talk about it. But I am always here if you do want to talk about it, ok?” Rian’s voice caught her off guard, but she was more than relieved to hear his response. Zack and Alex looked at Rian, but eventually nodded and agreed as well.
“Ok great!” Delaney said, perky up a little as the waitress came with their food. “Thank god. I’m starving” She said, as her waffle as set down in front of her. She knew now that everything would be ok between all of them. Everything would be ok as long as she could keep her secret.