Chasing Second Chances

The feelings that rushed through my body as the blade cut into my skin were endless.

They came one right after the other, each as contradicting as the next.

Relief. Worry. Ecstasy. Pain. Love. Hate.

I wanted more, to slice every inch of my being.

Yet at the same time, I wanted to heal.

My heart raced as the blood rushed down my arm, staining my pale skin that beautiful crimson.

A few tears slid down my cheeks as I hid the blade.

This is bad. This is really bad.

It’s so deep.

“Hey Ella, you ready?” Blake’s eyes widened in shock as he rounded the corner. “What the hell happened!?”

“I hit my arm on the corner of the sink. Hurts like a bitch.”

A shaky laugh filled the room as I tried to hold back the tears.

“Come on, we need to go to the hospital. You need stitches.”

“No, I don’t want to go to the hospital!”

Blood smeared across my shirt as I pulled my arm away, frantic and afraid.

“This is no time for your bullshit Ella, you need stitches. You’re losing a lot of blood.”

This is what I want isn’t it?

Losing blood to the point of no return.

“Give me your arm, we need to wrap it up for now.”

My body went through the motions, raising my arm high enough for him to tie a towel around the wound.

To think someone would react this way over me.

It makes no sense.

“Get in the car, if we’re lucky we can get there in about ten minutes.”

With haste Blake threw me in the car before jumping in himself.

“I don’t understand how you hit your arm that hard Ella.”

“I was just, in a hurry.”

“It’s so deep!”

A throb radiated from the gash on my arm.

“It’s a metal sink with a sharp edge Blake, it’s not so difficult.”

My insides seemed to freeze when we pulled into the hospital parking lot.

“ER is this way, come on.”

I don’t want to do this.

I don’t want to be here.

“How much blood has she lost?”

“I don’t know, she had been bleeding for a while by the time I got there.”

“Sit up here sweetheart, we’ll get you fixed up. I’m gonna need you to leave the room, and you to take your jacket off.”

Take my jacket off?

“Why do I need to take my jacket off?”

“I just need it out of the way dear.”

Gingerly I removed the jacket, feeling naked without my second layer of skin.

“This should go by real quick alright?”

I nodded absentmindedly, trying to think of an excuse for all of the scars.

I have a cat?

No, Blake knows I don’t own any animals.

I work in a kitchen, accidents happen.

‘On your wrists?’

Okay, be creative.

Be creative.

That’s it!

I make my own clothes, sometimes I get scuffed.

That could work right?

“There we go, all done.”

“Ah, thank you.”

“You’ll have to stay just a couple minutes longer I’m afraid, I’ll be right back.”

She’s going to get another doctor isn’t she?

They’re going to try to put me in the psych ward.

‘It’s for your own good dear, we don’t want to see you dead.’

They don’t know me, how could they care about me?

Why would it matter if I lived or died?

My own family doesn’t even care, so why should they?

The normal suicidal thoughts ceased to exist for just one moment as a handsome man walked into the room.

I watched carefully as he picked up my paperwork, scanning through the notes.

“Hello Miss, Ella Karlsson. I’m Tristan Turner. How are you?”

My curiosity peaked as a light smile spread across his face. “I’m fine.”

“Says here that you had quite the nasty gash on your arm, mind if I take a look?”

“I do mind actually. I don’t know who you are.”

“I believe I’ve already introduced myself. I’m Tristan Turner, a therapist at this hospital.”

The air rushed from my lungs.

They skipped the other doctor, they went straight for the therapist.

Are they going to take me away?

Can they do that without someone’s consent?

“Why are you here?”

“Well I work here. Sometimes I’m asked to come and check on the patients.”

That smile, that knowing smile.

He’s going to put me away for sure.

“I didn’t know getting my arm cut open resulted in needing a psychiatrist.”

If I can fool my family, I can fool him.

Just put on that false happy demeanor and get the hell out of here.

“You’re right, it normally doesn’t. However, Dr. Burton seemed a little worried about you, said you had quite a few scars running up and down your wrists. From what I can see, she has a right to be worried.” I watched in horror as he pulled up a chair. “Tell me, how long have you had these suicidal tendencies?”

Every fiber of my being was screaming.

“Aren’t you a little young to be a psychiatrist?”

“Aren’t you a little old to be an emo princess?”

My mouth damn near dropped to the floor.

“What kind of fucking psychiatrist are you? That’s not how you’re supposed to treat patients.”

Infuriated I jumped from the table, throwing on my jacket.

“You’re right, you’re right. I’m sorry, I don’t know what suddenly came over me. That’s was very unprofessional and rude.

With that being said I must inform you, you are not allowed to leave until I give you permission to do so.”

“What?” My voice came out as a whisper.

“We fear you are a hazard to yourself, and we need to keep an eye on you.”

This all feels so surreal.

They can’t actually be taking me away can they?

“Do you live alone Ella?”

“I’m not.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I’m not a hazard to myself. I don’t need anyone to ‘worry’ about me.”

A smirk slithered across his face.

“Be that as it may, we still can’t let you leave without setting up proper arrangements. Either you stay here in the psych ward, or you have someone stay at your place and keep an eye on you.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“Do you have any family members that you can stay with for a couple of weeks?”

My shoulders slumped in defeat. “I’ll figure something out, just, don’t take me to the psych ward.”

For a brief moment, it looked as though he might object.

“Fine. Here’s my card, you’ll call me if you need anything.”

With the card in hand, I walked into the hallway, hoping to finally go home.

“Ella, you did that to yourself?”

“Excuse me, may I talk to you for a moment.”

My nerves began to coil as Dr. Turner took Blake to the side.

“Do you know of anybody that could stay with her for awhile? Keep an eye on things. Maybe some family or friends.”

They’re trying to keep it quiet, but I can hear every word perfectly.

“She doesn’t talk to her family, and she doesn’t have any friends.”

‘She doesn’t have any friends.’

‘She doesn’t have any friends.’

“Aren’t you her friend?”

“Listen, guy, leave me out of this freak show. I only talked to her because we worked together.” Please don’t say such things. “I’m sorry, I can’t handle this sort of drama right now. I hope everything turns out alright for you El.”

Don’t!

Don’t use my nickname while you crush my heart!

Tears began to stream down my face as I watched my only friend walk away.

“It’s alright, no one heard.” A sick sense of relief washed through me as Tristan wrapped his arms around me. “Nurse, call my office and tell them I’ll be back shortly. I need to take care of something.”

“Yes sir.”

“Come on Ella, I’ll take you home.”

My body began to function, just barely going through the motions.

Blake was right.

I have no friends.

My family hates me.

Everyone hates me.

I have no one.

“Where do you live?”

My eyes continued to create a river of tears down each cheek.

I need to be strong.

I have to be.

Just tell him your address.

You only have a few miles, and then you can do it.

Just end it all.

“Across the street from the old bakery.”

Stop crying.

Don’t show your weakness.

Just wait a little bit longer.

You’ll be home soon, you’ll have everything you need to go through with it.

“Glad to see you’re not crying anymore. Listen, I just need to stop at my house really quick is that alright?”

“Yes.”

I wish he would hurry up.

Uneasily, I scratched at my palm, wanting nothing more than to feel the burning of a blade slicing through my skin.

Before my mind could register, we sat outside of my house, the sound of the motor echoing in the empty alley.

“Alright, there you are. I’ll be back later once I find someone to be your roommate for a while alright?”

Curtly I nodded, getting out of the car.

“Don’t do anything stupid Ella.”

Not once did I look back as he called to me.

What does it matter if I do something stupid, I’m not hurting him, just myself.

As I closed the door I could feel a tear make its way down my face.

Finally.

I can finally be free.

No longer will I have to worry about my scars, about embarrassing my family.

This unbelievable sadness will fade away with my life.

The feeling of going crazy with despair and hatred will dissipate into nothing.

I can finally, finally be free.

I can finally be me without hesitation.

Gingerly I unwrapped the cold steel, admiring its sharp dangerous glint.

A loud knock on the front door jerked me from my reverie, making me drop my key to happiness.

As routine, I opened the door, shocked and petrified to find Dr. Turner leaning against my door frame.

“I found your new roommate.” With a cocky smirk he stepped forward. “Me.”