Status: complete
No Other
My Salvation, My Redemption, My Remedy
On the ninety-eighth day, at length, you come back to me. I open the door slow so I do not let your cold air in. When I move back, you move forward with me, the space between us a constant as you close the door to the night.
My eyes entreat you not to speak, as the flimsy bricks I had constructed around your memory begin to fall apart. As usual, we must have your way.
“Callum, I am so sorry.”
It is too late it is too late I want to scream, but I have loved you so long and longed for you so deeply that my heart finds you again before my head does. I don’t remember where I was before, but now I am on my knees and I feel you hovering above me, afraid to touch this raw visceral thing that has turned itself inside out by loving you.
I am on my knees in silent prayer, I am baptizing myself new in my tears, I am looking for anger but all I can find is relief. I am begging you to pull me back together again, the way you cut me in half.
"Sam–" I begin, and I am distracted at the marvel it is to feel the shape of your name in my mouth again, to feel the weight of you by my side. The void around me is so full of you, I can smell butter and aftershave. The weight of your transgressions has been lifted. I have swallowed the bitter pill.
"Sam" I say again, and it is honey.
I fold in to your arms like a child’s blanket. You are so warm, so familiar – I feel the loveworn shape of your bones and heartlines pulling me in, encircling. I am home I am home I am home again. You have come back to me.
Oh how I missed you, my love.
My eyes entreat you not to speak, as the flimsy bricks I had constructed around your memory begin to fall apart. As usual, we must have your way.
“Callum, I am so sorry.”
It is too late it is too late I want to scream, but I have loved you so long and longed for you so deeply that my heart finds you again before my head does. I don’t remember where I was before, but now I am on my knees and I feel you hovering above me, afraid to touch this raw visceral thing that has turned itself inside out by loving you.
I am on my knees in silent prayer, I am baptizing myself new in my tears, I am looking for anger but all I can find is relief. I am begging you to pull me back together again, the way you cut me in half.
"Sam–" I begin, and I am distracted at the marvel it is to feel the shape of your name in my mouth again, to feel the weight of you by my side. The void around me is so full of you, I can smell butter and aftershave. The weight of your transgressions has been lifted. I have swallowed the bitter pill.
"Sam" I say again, and it is honey.
I fold in to your arms like a child’s blanket. You are so warm, so familiar – I feel the loveworn shape of your bones and heartlines pulling me in, encircling. I am home I am home I am home again. You have come back to me.
Oh how I missed you, my love.