Part of Me

Kellin’s POV

I was in the middle of brushing my teeth getting ready for work before Oli abruptly bursts through the bathroom door full of excitement, scaring me half to death.

“Babe, you’re not gonna believe this but one of the support bands dropped out of the tour with Killswitch Engage and they’ve asked Bring Me the Horizon to take their place!” he bounces up and down with excitement.

I quickly rinse the tooth paste out of my mouth and turn back to face him.

“Wow, that’s amazing Oliver.” I smile at the great news.

“I know this is fucking huge for us!”

Oli and the guys having been practicing so hard lately and they just needed to have a break like this and now it’s finally happened.

“When do you leave?” I ask.

“First thing tomorrow morning.”

My heart drops a little. I didn’t think it would be so soon.

“How long will you be gone for?” I ask doubtfully.

“For like a month.” He shrugs not seeming bothered by the time we’ll be a part from each other.

I wasn’t happy to hear he was leaving for so long, I knew he was going away on tour after Christmas but I wasn’t expecting him to up and leave first thing tomorrow. But I couldn’t complain, this was an amazing opportunity for them and I didn’t want to ruin if for him by whining about how long we’ll be apart for like a spoilt little brat.

Then again, when I think about it with Oliver not around I wouldn’t feel so on edge trying to hide my morning sickness from him all the time. Maybe him going on tour wouldn’t be so bad and by the time he comes home the morning sickness phase would soon be long gone and I wouldn’t feel so guilty lying all the time either.

I just knew I was going to miss him a lot when he was away, I always do.

“Hey, why the sad face Kells?” Oli’s voice breaks me out of my thoughts.

“I’m just gonna miss you, that’s all.” I say sheepishly and he smiles at me.

He steps towards me and pulls me in for a hug.

“I’ll be back before you know it Kell and I’ll text you and face time you most nights, okay?” he promises which made my smile fade.

I knew what state he gets himself into when he goes on tour and I knew all too well that the drugs and alcohol will probably be put before me. This was a too big of an opportunity for him not to go crazy and that worried me.

“You’ll be gone for your birthday?” I ask to distract my paranoid thinking.

“It looks like it.”

“I’ll come out to visit for a couple of days for it.” I smile cheerfully but he steps out of our hug.

“It’s best if you don’t Kell, this is too much of a big opportunity for us to fuck up. I can’t let myself get distracted.”

My smile falls. He thinks I’m a distraction? I always visit him for a couple days whenever he’s on tour around the country and now suddenly I can’t because I’m a distraction? Most of the time he’s too off his face to even notice I’m there.

I shake it off not wanting his comment to get to me.

“But we’ll celebrate when I get back okay.”

“Okay.” I nod.

“Anyway, don’t you have work to get to? Shit, I have so much to do too. We haven’t even got a set list prepared!” Oli stresses leaving the bathroom hastily as he gets on with his one hundred and one things to do.

I sigh and leave the bathroom too and left for work.

~~

On the way home from work I decided to get us Chinese take out as a little farewell dinner. I hoped that Oli had finished everything he needed to do before he and his band mates set off on the road tomorrow. I would like us to just hang out and cuddle of the sofa for the rest of the evening and enjoy each others company. I knew I’d be alright now while he was still here but I knew once he was gone I’d miss him like crazy.

I pull into our drive and pick up the take out bag from the passenger seat of the car and make my way inside the house.

“Oli I’m home and I got us Chinese take out!” I call out as I set the bags of food on the table.

I look around the living room and see that it was in abit of a mess. No doubt Oli’s been stressing out trying to pack as well as do a hundred other things at the same time too.

I make my way upstairs as there were no signs of Oli coming down for food. I didn’t want dinner to get cold so I went to look what he was up to and see if he needed my help.

“Babe didn’t you hear me? I got us Chinese.” I say walking into our room and seeing Oli sitting on the end of the bed beside his suitcase.

“What’s this?” he asks suspiciously.

My blood turns cold when I see the ultra sound picture in his hand. Fuck, how did he find it?

I’m a loss for words as I glance to my sock drawer and see it wide open with random socks everywhere and the address book on the floor where the scan was hidden inside.

“Y-you went through my things?” I ask still in shock.

“I wanted to borrow some of your socks for tour as mine are in the wash and I found this.” His laid back mood was quick to change when I don’t respond to him.

“Are you hiding something from me Kellin?” he demands looking at my figure up and down as if my body would give him the answer.

“No!” I panic.

I kept my hands by my side, holding back the urge not to wrap my arms around my stomach protectively and give myself away accidently.

He glares at me harshly not believing a word which came out of my mouth.

“Don’t lie.” He seethes.

“I-I promise Oliver, i-it’s not what you think.” I begin to stutter.

“Then why are you hiding an 8 week ultra sound from me?!” he growls standing up from the bed and making me flinch.

I was trembling with fear now. I was trying to come up with any sort of lie he would believe so he wouldn’t find out that I’ve been lying to him for the last three days.

“B-because that’s how far along I was when- when, I had the termination.” I choked. The lies making me feel physically sick.

Angry Oliver made me nervous and if I wasn’t careful I would slip up and ruin everything.

“I-I asked the doctor for a photo before they went through with it.” I whimpered hoping he’d believe me.

My chest tightens and my eyes starts welling up as I stood under the pressure of my boyfriend’s stern stare.

The tears soon began rolling down my cheeks. If he found out that I was still pregnant he’ll drag me to hospital himself and force me to get an abortion. I wouldn’t be able to go through with it and it’ll be the end of us for sure.

He grabs my chin and lifts it up with his hand and stared down at me with a harsh stare.

“You better not be lying to me.”

“I-I’m not.” I cried harder, shaking my head.

After a couple of minutes of watching me suffer, his stern expression soon softens when my breathing starts to get out of control.

“Shh. Alright, calm down love I believe you. I know you wouldn’t lie to me. ” he says wiping away my tears with his thumbs.

I hiccup and nod through my sobs before wrapping my arms around him and hugging him close to me tightly. I knew it was wrong of me for lying, I should have just told him the truth but I wasn’t ready to lose everything just yet. I wasn’t ready to end us yet, so lying was all I had.

He pulls back from the hug and places his hands on my shoulders.

“Let’s go to bed, I can finish packing in the morning.”

I nod feeling emotionally drained and exhausted. I wasn’t even hungry anymore and didn’t even care that the Chinese food was wasted.

“As for this, Kellin.” Oli says holding up the ultra sound in front of me.

“I think it’s best if I get rid of it.” he tells me and my heart clenches at his words.

“Oli please-“

“It’s unhealthy keeping it Kellin. You’re only torturing yourself with something that you don’t have. You need to move on, focus on us. We’re more important right now than moping over something which doesn’t exist.”

My shoulders shrink as I took one last heart breaking glance at the ultra sound held up in front of my face.

I didn’t have a choice; Oli wouldn’t give it back to me even if I begged him for it. And it would only make me look more suspicious if I kept complaining about it so I just let him do what he wanted with it.

I sigh in defeat as I tried to hold back the fresh tears that where threatening to fall and let him leave the room to get rid of it.

That was yet another ultra sound he had taken away from me. But little did he know that my baby did exist.

I place my hand over my flat stomach and rubbed it gently and softly spoke down to it.

“He’ll never take you away, I promise.” I sniffed and got changed into my night wear and climbed into our bed.

I suddenly felt so overwhelmed and allowed the duvet to engulf me. I just wanted the lying and hatred all to stop, I just feel as if I’m constantly drowning in sadness. I just wanted my boyfriend to want the same things I did.

Oli comes back into the room but I don’t bother acknowledging him, I just lay there in bed with no energy to move. I eventually feel the bed dip and feel him shuffle closer to me so his chest was pressed up against my back and his arm was draped around me.

“Everything will be alright Kells, I won’t be gone long and when I come back from tour we’ll focus on us.” He tells me in a soothing tone which I knew wasn’t genuine.

“I love you.” He whispers and kisses me behind my ear.

I bit down on my lip and squeezed my eyes shut as I silently cried in his arms. I didn’t want to cause a fuss or give him a reason to question why I’m so upset. So I swallowed down the lump in my throat and force the words past my shaky lips.

“I love you more.”