Part of Me

Kellin’s POV

It was the 29th of November and I’ve already turned the flat into a winter wonderland. Christmas was my favourite time of year and I couldn’t resist getting in the festive spirit and having the home decorated all Christmassy by the time Oliver got home.

I’ve hardly heard from Oliver like I expected I wouldn’t. We spoke a few times on the phone and the tour sounded as if it was going rather well and Bring Me the Horizon was getting a good response from the crowd which was great. I knew he had to make a good impression on this tour but I knew it wouldn’t be as serious as he made out to be. I received quite a few drunken texts and voicemails over the month and some were kind of concerning because he doesn’t know his limit and will drink until he can’t anymore. I just hoped the guys were keeping an eye out for him and making sure he wouldn’t do anything reckless.

But with all that aside, he was coming home from tour tomorrow and I was more than excited to see him. Since Halloween I haven’t spoken to Vic because I felt really awkward about that kiss what almost happened between us. So with Oliver away on tour and me not talking to Vic, I’ve been extremely lonely here all by myself. I didn’t like being on my own at all, I craved attention and being sociable with people but everyone I knew was away or I was avoiding them.

I’ve tried my best to stay as active as possible and do anything I could to distract myself from thinking about how lonely I’ve been this whole month. Which will explain the way over the top winter wonderland I have created in my own home, way earlier than most people will start decorating for Christmas.

I had made myself a cup of hot chocolate but instead of drinking it I just ate the pack of mini marshmallows in its place because I was craving something sweet. My morning sickness has almost completely stopped which is a relief because running back and forth to the bathroom all the time was getting tiring.

I had found my Top Hits Christmas songs CD and was listening to a bunch of Christmas classics to get me in the mood for the season to be jolly and all. And I’m not gonna lie, I was singing along to each one rather good I must admit as I took on the task to put up the tree by myself.

My favourite Christmas song of all time comes on, Wham – Last Christmas and oh how I belted out the lyrics with all my heart.

I had a secret passion for singing and when I was in the house alone I proudly sang along to all my favourite songs.

“Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away.” I chimed in swaying side to side in front of the tree.

“You always did have a voice of an angel.” A voice comes from behind me.

The voice startled me making me scream and jump with fright and tripping over the box of decorations in the process.

“Careful!” my idiotic best friend warns grabbing hold on my arm to save me from falling over.

“Holy shit Vic!” I cursed angrily at him.

That could have turned into a disaster. What the fuck was he playing at?!

“What the hell do you think you’re doing creeping up on pregnant people like that?!” I yell punching him in the arm in annoyance.

I do regret giving him a spare key sometimes.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you jump.” He laughs rubbing his arm where I punched him.

“What are you even doing here?” I ask once I’ve recovered.

“You’ve been avoiding me and I missed my best friend and wanted to see how you and the baby were getting along.” he shrugs.

My heart warms when he mentions about wanting to hear about how the baby was doing. At least someone wanted to. But then I suddenly remember I’ve refused to talk to him this last month and he’s noticed. Of course he has.

“I haven’t been avoiding you.” I mumble shying away from him.

“You’re a terrible liar Kellin Quinn.”

Vic was one of the only people who could read me like a book and basically knew everything about me. So of course he knew when I wasn’t telling the true and guess it was kind of obvious that I have been avoiding him.

I turn my attention back to the tree and picked up the lights out of the box so I didn’t have to explain to Vic about why I’ve been avoiding him. But knowing Vic I know he’ll bring it up, we always talked out our problems when we had them.

“It’s because of that almost kiss on Halloween, isn’t it?” he asks and I feel a blush creep upon my cheeks.

I really didn’t want to talk about it but now he brought it up I was going to have to. I was scared shitless that I might have given him the wrong impression or something that night which lead to him wanting to kiss me. I’ve just felt awful and guilty about the whole thing and decided to shut it out for as long as I could because I didn’t want to lose my best friend over a kiss which didn’t even happen!

Vic must have sensed my reluctance to talk about because he spoke up when I didn’t.

“Kell, it was just a Halloween prank that’s all.” He says making me frown down at the tangled Christmas lights in my hands.

A prank? You mean this whole time he was just messing with me?

Now I was confused. At the time it didn’t seem like a prank because of the way he looked at me. His eyes were deep and meaningful, like he had some sort of deep hidden desire for me or was I just getting carried away with my imagination? He did have a couple of drinks that night and I was really tired too. Maybe it was just the alcohol which made him look at me the way he did and stupidly jumped to conclusions to think it was something more.

Ever since that night I’ve ignored all his phone calls and texts because I was freaking out incase it might have meant something more to him. Or most importantly, I was terrified about Oliver finding out because if he found out that Vic made a move on me, he’ll completely lose his shit and most likely murder him Vic.

“Was it really just a prank?” I glance up at him nervously hiding my face behind my long black hair.

He stood there for a few seconds with an unreadable expression which only just made me more nervous in anticipation. His face finally brighten as he sent me a reassuring smile.

“Of course it was, stop stressing.”

He throws an arm around my neck and ruffles up my hair with his fist playfully.

“You’re an idiot you know that, you had me worried for a moment there.” I say pushing away from him.

“Why? Would me kissing you actually be that bad?”

“If you don’t want my boyfriend to come after you with a chain saw then I suggest you keep your hands to yourself.” I joked but Vic’s attempt of a smile didn’t match his eyes which made me question it.

Before I could though he takes the Christmas lights out of my hands and sighs before he went to work untangling the knotted lights.

I got this strange vibe from him but I just shrugged it off and decided not to look into it further and pulled out the tinsel from the box.

The awkwardness was quick to pass though and we were soon back to our old selves as we both sang along to the Christmas songs and decorated the tree together.

“Your 12th week appointment is tomorrow, are you excited? The baby will be a lot bigger now and will look actually more like a baby than just a blob on a screen.” Vic chuckles in amusement.

He was standing on top of a chair tucking the red tinsel under and over the branches of the Christmas tree whilst I was sat on the floor where it was “safer” for me. Vic only let me do the easy jobs like putting the shiny babuls on the bottom branches of the tree because he didn’t want me hurting myself.

I give him a small fake smile up at him before quickly focusing on putting the decorations on the tree. I’ve been trying not to think about this appointment because another appointment just meant another ultra sound picture and that meant another picture being taken away from me. I didn’t want to lose another one, I didn’t think my heart could take it. Nor did I want to risk Oliver finding it and figuring out I was still pregnant and have a load of drama kick off, so I decided that I wouldn’t go.

“I’m not going to it.” I mumbled hoping that he wouldn’t over react to it.

“What?”

I ignore him and start searching in the box of decorations for the glittery babuls I bought last year.

“Kellin it’s important that you go.” I felt his eyes burn into the back of my head but I still didn’t look up at him.

“Don’t you want to see how much its tiny arms and legs have grown?” he says making my eyes fill with tears of want and guilt.

I shook my head and kept my eyes fixed on the glittery babuls I found so Vic couldn’t see how much I was hurting over this.

I wanted to see it more than anything but I couldn’t risk it. Not after last time. Last time I was lucky enough to lie myself out of that horrid situation but next time if Oli found out about it again, he wouldn’t be fooled by my lies again and everything will be over.

Vic steps down from the chair when I don’t answer him and kneels down in front of me. He gently lifts up my chin with his finger so he could see my face and I uncontrollably let a couple of tears fall from my eyes and his expression is quick to change to worry.

“Hey.” He says in a soft concern voice as he wiped away a tear from my cheek.

I let out a little sob but refused to tell him what was wrong.

“What’s going on Kellin?” his voice full of concern which only made me feel worse about myself.

“N-nothing. I just can’t go to it okay.”

“Is everything alright? Is the baby okay? Nothing happen to it while you weren’t talking to me did it?” he questions in paranoia making me frown in annoyance at how he thought I wouldn’t tell him if anything had happened.

“The baby’s fine Vic.” I snap pulling my face away from Vic’s grasp.

“Then what’s so important that you can’t go to your ultra sound tomorrow?”

I bit my bottom lip and glance at him guiltily and he reads my expression instantly. He scoffs and frowns in infuriation ready to give me an ear full I truly didn’t want to hear.

“I should have known he had something to do with this.” He says in disgust knowing it was about Oliver.

“Oliver comes home tomorrow Vic, I don’t want anything to ruin it.”

“Ruin it? It’s not about him anymore Kellin, that baby comes before him and even you!”

“I know that!” I yell back.

“Do you? Because by refusing to go to your appointment you’re putting the baby’s health at risk.” He hisses making my eyes grow wide at what he was indicating.

“There’s nothing wrong with my baby Vic!” I yell horrified that he would even say that or think that I would put the love of my life in danger.

I wrap my arms around myself as all the worse scenarios start to fill my mind.

“How do you know? That’s what the appointments are for Kellin, to check to see if everything is alright and there’s no risk to the baby or you.”

I covered my face with my hands not wanting him to witness me fall a part like this. I wasn’t a bad mum, I’ve done everything in my power to keep my baby safe so far. How can he indicate by skipping one appointment made me a bad person? I was doing what I thought was best for it. With Oliver coming home tomorrow I didn’t want him to wonder why I weren’t at home when he came back. I was fed up of the lies and constantly dreading of being caught out and having to face him admit that he hates me and wants nothing to do with me.

By now I was full on sobbing into my hands hating myself more than anything in the world right now.

I feel Vic place his hand on my back and begin rubbing it up and down to clam me from my break down.

“You don’t have to lie to me Kells.” He whispers sincerely.

I take my hands away from my face and sniff back the unwanted tears.

“I’ll be with you and you can be happy and excited about it as much as you want. You don’t have to hide it; you don’t need to feel scared to talk to me about it. I’m on your side Kellin, you can tell me anything, you know that.”

I sigh heavily and push back my hair out of my face and let Vic’s words to sink in.

“Look, I’ll change the appointment to first thing in the morning and I’ll get you back home before Oli even gets here and suspects anything. What do you say, huh?”

That didn’t sound so bad. If he could get me back before Oliver got home then I didn’t have anything to worry about.

“Yeah, okay.” I say, hesitantly giving in.

~~

“It’s sucking its thumb!” I squealed as happy tears rolled down my cheeks.

We were at my ultra sound appointment and my baby was clear on the computer screen for us all to see. My little bean’s heart beat was strong and healthy which filled the entire room as it peacefully sucked its own thumb. It was such a heart warming sight to see and I know I’ll be smiling for days after witnessing this.

“That’s so cute.” Vic smiles widely at the screen as his stood beside me.

“You will see that a lot over the next few months of your pregnancy.” Dr Eugene confirms for us with a warm smile.

She must see this sort of thing all the time but I bet its just as amazing as it was the very first time she saw it.

I was a happy emotional teary eyed mess on this hospital bed as Dr Eugene followed through with my ultra sound.

Vic was currently combing his fingers through my hair which always relaxed me from my anxiety. I was far too lost at staring my baby on the screen to realise he was bent over me with his lips to my ear.

“You happy you changed your mind?” he whispers making a smile grow onto my lips.

I nodded and wiped my tears away before lightly giving Vic a kiss on the cheek as a polite thank you. I was literally over the moon right now, seeing my baby on the screen growing healthily and happily sucking its thumb was the most amazing feeling to ever experience. I couldn’t thank him enough for talking me into this.

I see him blush in the dim light of the doctor’s room when I pull away and I takes everything in me not to sling my arms around his neck and pull him to me and tell him how grateful I was to have him by my side.

He opens his mouth to say something but Dr Eugene flicks the lights back on making us wince at the change of lighting.

“Here you go sweetheart, everything is normal and the baby is growing wonderfully.” She says handing me the photo print out.

I was hesitant to take it from her but I do anyway and my emotions stupidly get the better of me. With mixed emotions of tears strolling down my face she arranges my next appointment with Vic and leaves the room to give us some alone time.

My bean was perfect in everyway. I couldn’t believe how big they were already. Well, they were probably the size of a plum right now but it was still a lot bigger than before.

“The growth is a big difference from the last photo, don’t you think.” Vic says from over my shoulder.

“Yeah.” I say shakily as horrible flashback of Oliver taking it away from me flashed a crossed my mind.

I feel my lip quiver. I didn’t want to be reminded of the last picture I lost.

“You keep it.” I say passing the picture over to a puzzled looking Vic.

I didn’t want to look at anymore because the longer I did the more attached I would only get and wouldn’t want to give it up if I held onto longer.

“Don’t you want it for yourself Kells?” he frowns at me in confusion.

“Please, just take it.” I whimper in sadness and look away from the picture and Vic.

He seems to catch on pretty quickly to my reaction \and takes the photo from my hand wobbly hand.

“I’m just going to want to look at it all the time Vic and I can’t risk Oliver catching me with it.” he nods in understanding and doesn’t comment surprisingly.

“Alright. I’ll take good care of it for you but its only temporary, got it?” he tells me and wraps an arm around my shoulders to comfort me.

I attempt a smile but it didn’t last very long though. The happiness I felt moments ago was replaced with sadness and I really didn’t want to be in this room anymore.

I hear Vic sigh but without a word he pushes my hair out of my face and presses his lips softly to my forehead and holds me to him as I began to cry again.