Part of Me

Kellin’s POV

16 weeks/4 months

After Christmas I manage to get Vic and Jaime’s band Piece the Veil on the same tour as Bring Me the Horizon’s. At first, Oli and Vic didn’t like the idea of touring together because they haven’t exactly been seeing eye to eye lately, but I manage to convince them into it. I mean, they needed to put their differences a side and focus on what’s more important which was playing music what they love.

I think going away on this tour will be good for them, even though they aren’t getting on much right now. I’m hoping being in the same circle of friends as we all went to school together, I’m hoping the other guys will help them see sense and make them get along with each other again and enjoy themselves. All this fighting and arguing is exhausting and far too immature for us now. Life is too short and it’s not easy finding decent friends the older you get.

The only problem with this tour, was that my boyfriend, best friend and basically all the rest of my friends will be travelling up and down the country for the next month while I will be left on my own and I was absolutely dreading it. Essentially I will be getting a taste of the single parent life and that thought honestly terrified me.

Since Oli came home from the last tour the band has got a lot of publicity. I haven’t really seen Oli that much because he’s either got an interview with a magazine or at a photo shoot or he’s out getting pissed with the rest of the guys. We’ve hardly had any time to focus on us like he had promise before he left for tour and honestly, it’s been really disheartening feeling so unwanted by him and no doubt it was because he didn’t want to risk getting me pregnant ‘again’.

Right now though I was sat crossed legged on Vic’s mini sofa in his garage where he and the guys use for band practice. It was abit of a tight space but they manage to work around it and turn it into a cosy VIP area for me to hang out and watch them practice. I did this a lot over the years and they didn’t mind having me their listening to them rehearse and even being the first to hear never heard before music. I also did this with Bring Me but, it wasn’t as fun as hanging out with Pierce.

I was more or less their number one fan. Well, I had to support my best friend’s band didn’t I? It was part of the code of friendship really.

I hugged Vic’s Mickey Mouse teddy close to my stomach to hide any evidence to show that I was now 16 weeks pregnant. It was still a secret between Vic and I, and even though the rest of them knew I had been pregnant, they just assume from Oli I had gotten rid of it. I bought Vic this teddy for his 21st birthday two years ago and he still loved it to this very day and it always made me smile everytime I saw it sat on this sofa.

“What’s that you’re playing?” I ask liking the sound Vic was strumming on his guitar.

“Err, just a little something I’ve been working on.” he says casually.

“Something new? Well, come on lets hear it then.” I sit up straight eager to hear the new sound.

“Ooooh, I don’t know about that Kellin, we’ve made a habit letting you in on all our practice sessions, and we don’t want you accidently leaking anything.” Jaime teasingly comments making his way over to Vic.

“Shut up Hime, I’m the best critic and you know it. And I wouldn’t leak anything.”

“It’s nowhere near finished yet Kells, I don’t know, I feel like something’s missing.” He says sounding unsure of the piece.

“You’ve got any lyrics for it?”

He nods and takes a crumple folded piece of paper out of his back pocket and hands it to me. I fold it and study the messy hand writing scribbled down on this piece of paper. I read it once, twice and even a third time. What he wrote seemed kind of dark but he always wrote dark lyrics, he just disguises them by turning them into happy pop punk.

“Sounds deep.” I truthfully say, glancing up from the paper and seeing Vic nervously chew on his plectrum.

“Yeah, I was in a bad mood the day I wrote it.” he frowns scratching the side of his head.

I take a pen from my bag and stare down at his lyrics again. I’ve been going through a lot of mood swings recently due to this pregnancy. As well as feeling neglected by Oliver lately my emotions have been all over the place. I love him more than anything but there’s only so much shit you can take from them before you crack. Maybe it’s just the hormones but I constantly have this urge of wanting to scream my head off. With the biggest secret being kept from my boyfriend eating away at me and the constant feeling of being neglected and allowing my love to take advantage and walk all over me with his shitty behaviour and then making me feel like its my fault.

The feeling was becoming unbearable and instead feeling depressed and suffering in silence, the pain was slowly turning into anger. I guess we can be angry together. So with my hand having a mind of its own, it started writing down hidden feelings.

Please, won't you push me for the last time
Let's scream until there's nothing left
So sick of playing, I don't want this anymore
The thought of you's no fucking fun
You want a martyr, I'll be one
Because enough's enough, we're done

Without thinking much of what I wrote I pass the piece of paper back over to Vic to read and both Jaime and Tony look over Vic’s shoulder to read it also.

I bit my lip as Vic lifted his head up and stared at me in concern but I quickly looked away from him. I should have known he’d question it.

“This is fucking awesome Kellin!” Jaime yells way over enthusiastically as he snatches the paper from Vic’s grasp.

“You should definitely feature in the song Kells.” Vic suggests making me scoff.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?” he frowns in disappointment.

“Remember what happened last time I was supposed to feature in a song?” I hinted.

“You seriously don’t think we’ll- I’ll, pull a stunt like that on you do you?” he ask offended.

I glance down at Mickey in my lap and started fiddling with his ears to avoid Vic’s stare. I shrug my shoulders not knowing what to say. I knew Vic wouldn’t do anything to hurt me but the idea of featuring in a song only brought back bad memories.

Flashback - four years ago

I stood by the edge of the unprepared stage like a proud boyfriend and watched Bring Me the Horizon play a show in the underground club we sometimes go to on Friday nights. Even though they were only playing five songs it was still a gig and a lot of people turned up to see them play. Most of them were our friends or people we knew from college but the room were still filled with sweaty humans moshing to their music.

They were half way through their fourth song when Josh suddenly appears next to me with a microphone in his hand. I look him up and down curiously as he starts jogging on the spot warming up for whatever reason.

His gaze meets mine and the smug like smile he wore on his lips gave me an uneasy feeling in my stomach which told me something bad was going to happen.

“Are you going on stage or something?” I asked loudly over the thumping music so he could hear me.

“Didn’t Oli tell you, we wrote a song together?”

“You wrote a song with Oli?” I ask in disbelief, hoping my ears had deceived me.

“Yeah, looks like he decided to keep it a secret.” Josh taunts like the sly little shit he was.

With furrowed brows, my eyes flicker to my boyfriend who was on his knees screaming into the microphone. The music faded out and all sorts of questions started running across my mind.

Why would Oliver write a song with Josh and not tell me about it? Why would he write a song with somebody else when he promised to write one with me? It didn’t make sense and a part of me felt extremely jealous that Josh was about to walk out on stage any minute and sing along side my boyfriend and not me.

I didn’t like this, I didn’t like this at all but it seems like I had no choice but to accept it because they were going to perform this mystery song whether I liked it or not.

“You’re gonna love it, trust me.” Josh whispers in my ear making me jump slightly.

I didn’t trust the sound of his voice, it was taunting, fake even which made me fill with paranoia. Josh nods towards the stage and I follow his action and see the lights had died down low as Oliver announce that they were about to play a song they’ve never played before. My stomach tied in knots as Josh’s words were slowly becoming true. One part of my mind was telling me to leave and not watch the next performance but the other side of my mind, the more curious part told me to stay put and find out if what Josh was saying was really true.

Oli brought the microphone to his lips and the song immediately started with the lyrics I was not expecting to hear come out of my boyfriend’s mouth.

“Let’s FUCK! Til the sun comes up because we haven’t got long, but we got enough,”

I dart my eyes back at Josh, mortified at the first sentence of the song alone. Josh however, was already staring back at me with a sickening smile. He knew the lyrics of course and he purposely put me on the spot so he could see my reaction.

I feel my heart sink in my chest and my palms sweat from every horrific heartbreaking word which fell out of Oliver’s mouth.

I stare speechless at him running around on the stage continuously screaming “Fuck” aggressively into the microphone.

“Sunken into you, tangled in the sheets, buried in blankets, six foot deep,”

My heart leaps up into my throat and I shake my head as my eyes begin to well up. Every word was just agonising to listen to and I didn’t know how much more I could take of this.

The music dies down and Josh pats me on the shoulder and brings his lips to my ear.
“This is the best part, you won’t wanna miss it.” He tells me before walking out on stage and giving Oli a hug and putting his microphone up to his mouth.

“We’re young and in love, heart attack waiting to happen, come a little closer, tell me it’s all in our heads.”

A tear falls from my eye at Josh’s angel like voice admit his love in front of the crowd for my boyfriend and I break down into tears side of stage.

I watch as Josh wraps his arm around my boyfriend’s waist and hold him close to his side as the two of them allow the lyrics to roll off their tongues.

“Tell me those three little words,”

I run off not wanting to witness anymore of their sick love affair being rubbed in my face and through the busy crowd I squeezed my way through them and locked myself in the gross club toilets and pathetically cried into my hands.

I could still hear the loud striking sound of the symbols of the drums and Oli’s screams. It only made me cry harder. I couldn’t believe he did this to me. He knew how awkward I felt around Josh knowing they slept together. I walked in on the two of them in Oliver’s room during one of his reckless house parties a couple of months ago and he swore to me it was a drunken mistake but then he pulls a stunt like this. What the fuck am I suppose to think?! He’s broken my heart.

“Kellin?” Oliver’s voice comes from outside of the cubical door awhile later.

“Go away!” I sobbed through my hands which were still covering my crying face.

“Come on Kells, open the door.” He pleads.

“H-how could you do that?”

“Do what babe?” he asks as if he did not just rip my heart out on stage.

“You basically fucked Josh through that entire song!” I yelled taking my hands away from my face so he could hear me clearly.

“It’s just a song Kellin, you don’t need to cry over it.” Oliver moans in annoyance.

“Cry over it? You’re confessing your love to each other, basically broad casting that you cheating on me with him in front of everyone we know!” I cried getting up from the closed toilet seat and kicking the cubical door in frustration.

I hated that he slept with Josh, its loomed over me ever since it happen and I feel so god damn insecure that he wants Josh more than he wants me. And to make things worse, they now have this song together and it will always be “there’s” and it will always be a constant heartbreaking reminder that my boyfriend cheated on me with his so called best friend. It made me feel so sick thinking about it.

“It was just once Kell, I was drunk, you know that and I’m sorry. I was just lacking inspiration and Josh just gave me that little push in the right direction I needed to write a song. Its just empty words Kellin, they don’t mean anything, I love you not Josh. Come on, open the door for me.” he knocks on the door again softly and I glare at it through teary eyes.

So he says it was only once and that he loves me, yet, Josh himself and many people from college have told me otherwise. I was so confused; I didn’t know what to think. I just felt like I’ve been stepped on and crushed into pieces by the person I love so much and that really hurt.

Out of nowhere Oli climbs under the cubical door knowing that I wasn’t going to open the door and let him in willing.

“Go away Oli.” I cried backing up into a corner away from him.

“Come on, don’t cry. I love you babe.” He coos trying to wrap his arms around me but I push him away.

“Stop it!”

“Kells, don’t be upset, I’m sorry okay? You know I’m an idiot. You know I love you baby, I wouldn’t be here begging for your forgiveness would I if I didn’t.” he explains.

I wipe the tears from my eyes and blink at him as I thought about what he said. It did make kind of make sense, if he wanted Josh he would be out there with him but instead he’s in here with me apologising.

“But why Josh? You said you wanted to write a song with me.” I sobbed allowing him to wrap his arms around me and pull me to his chest as I slowly started forgiving him.

“I promise baby, the next song we’ll write together and it will have your beautiful vocals on it and it will sound way better than the song with Josh okay? You’re my number one Kells, and you know nothing comes before you.” He says kissing me on top my head and hugging me tight before lifting my head up with his hand so I was looking up at him.

“I love you Kells.”

“I love you more Oli.” I sigh, sniffing back the last of my tears forgiving my idiotic boyfriend for the hundredth time.

~~

“Well, while you guys discuss that awkward pickle I’m heading out to get some lunch.” Jaime says awkwardly, putting down his bass and having Tony and Mike following him out of the garage door.

“You love music Kellin, it’s your passion, even more than art. So why not take this opportunity?”

“I don’t know. it’s been so long Vic, I don’t think I’ll be any good at it like I used to be.” I slouch back on the sofa looking up at the garage ceiling feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t want to have this discussion with him.

“You’re kidding right? Look at what you just wrote and you did that in two seconds as if it was so naturally to you.” Vic urges me to see sense.

I’ve lost a lot of confidence in myself over the years and I was too afraid if I started getting into music again I wouldn’t be any good at it and I didn’t want to cope with dealing with that sort of down fall. I got a pack of reece cups out of my bag and started munching on them as I have become obsessed with recently. Or anything which had a peanut butter filling, I was craving it like crazy.

“Kells, you’re showing.” Vic says in awe making my eyes widen and prop myself up on my elbows.

“Is it really noticeable?” I panic glancing down at the small baby bump of mine.

I’ve been freaking out because out of nowhere the bump just appeared. It’s only small and I guess I can get away with saying I gained a little weight over Christmas but, now that I have started showing, it’s only going to get bigger and I’m still not ready to tell people yet.

I’ve been wearing a lot of over size t-shirts and baggy hoodie’s to try and hide it, but if Vic notice it then that means Oli will soon too which means I won’t be able to keep this a secret from him for much longer. I still hadn’t figured out what I was going to do, I kept putting it off because I didn’t want to face reality of having to lose the love of my life and the life that we built over the last five years together.

Vic took his guitar off and put back on the stand before coming over and kneeling in front on me by the sofa.

“It’s super cute.” He says grinning down at it.

“No it’s not.” I whine.

“It is.” He smiles widely.

I wrap my arms around my bump to hide it from him but he reaches out and pulls my arms away from my abdomen to reveal it to him again.

His smile turns into a nervous one and he subconsciously bites his lower lip as he gazes down at my bump adoringly. He looked deep in thought and this sudden change in him immediately made me anxious. I look disgusting to him I bet.

His dark brown eyes looked at me and then back down to my stomach and then back up at me again. Seeming unsure of whatever he wanted to do. I just laid there and watch him carefully in silence while he figured out what he wanted.

“Can I… uh, can I… touch it?” he asks shyly, nodding to my bump.

I blink at him in confusion for a second, but then my nervous state breaks into a kind hearted smile when I realise what he was asking permission for.

“Err, yeah sure, if you want.” I say sitting up a little so he had better access to my bump.

With a small smile Vic hesitantly reaches out and gently places his warm hand over my tiny bump and almost instantly, my body tingles all over and goose bumps rises up on my skin. I felt all warm and fuzzy as Vic stroked his thumb over one spot on my bump and little did I know I was smiling like a complete fool down at my best friend.

“Hey there little one, I’m Vic.” He speaks directly to my bump.

“What are you doing?” I giggle a little.

“I read in that baby book I got you that you should often talk to them so they start to recognise your voice. So I guess I’m just introducing myself.” He shrugs with a shy smile.

“Wait a minute, you mean you read my Christmas present before wrapping it up and giving to me?”

“Yeah.” He laughs.

“I wanted to try and understand what you’re going through and help you in anyway possible through your pregnancy. So, when you really need me for something at least I won’t be completely useless to you.”

“That’s really sweet.” I admitted, I honestly had the bestest friend in the whole world. He’s put so much effort into making my pregnancy as stress free and comfortable for me as possible. He’s been my rock and I wouldn’t know what I’ll ever do without him.

“Have you felt them kick yet?” Vic asks rubbing his hand around my bump.

“No, it’s a little early for them to start kicking yet.”

“I can’t wait.” He grins in excitement and leans his face close to my stomach.

“You better wait until I come back from tour before you start kicking mama in the gut okay, squirt?” Vic warns my little bean playfully making us both laugh in amusement,

This moment right here between us was so magical. All I ever wanted was someone to accept me and my baby and Vic generally does and it makes me so unbelievably happy.

The garage door opens and Jaime steps in ruining our special moment and my anxiety flies sky high.

I push Vic’s hand instantly away from my bump and I quickly put Mickey Mouse back over it to hide it but it was too late, Jaime already saw it.

“Shit, dude, are you still pregnant?” Jaime asks in shock coming further into the room and looking back and forth from me and Vic.

I cover my face with my hands trying to hide from the truth as well as holding back unfallen tears. Fuck! Now everyone is going to find out for sure.

“Hime you better not say a single word about this to anyone, you understand!” I hear Vic yell in my defence.

“Man, I had no idea that you were still pregnant Kellin, Oli said something about you having a miscarriage..-“my heart twinges at Jaime’s shocking words.

Why would Oliver lie to our friends about the baby? He told them that I had a miscarriage and left out the part where he more or less gave me no choice but to terminate it because he didn’t want them. He’s breaking my heart more and more everyday and turning into somebody I hardly recognise and it was tearing me apart inside.

“Does Oli know you’re still pregnant?” I hear Jaime ask but with my hands still covering my face I could feel Jaime’s eyes burning down into me.

I shook my head hating myself more.

“Fuck. Why are you keeping it from him?”

“Why’d you think dumbass?!” Vic snaps as if it was obvious.

“I know Oli’s a bit difficult at times but keeping this from him is wrong, surely?”

“Its nobody’s business but Kellin’s! So you better keep your big mouth shut Hime or I swear to God you will regret it!” I hear Vic threaten and that’s when the tears soaked into my fingers.

“Okay, okay, my lips are sealed I promise. I just think its a little weird not telling the actual father-”

“Shut the fuck up Hime!” Vic yells, no doubt getting annoyed with Jaime’s non stop bickering.

I reluctantly take my hands away from my teary face and glance up at both Vic and Jaime. Vic was staring daggers at Jamie who had his hands raised in surrender.

Jaime looked at me disappointedly which made me feel incredibly guilty from keeping this whole baby situation from Oliver. I was seen as the bad guy and Oliver was seen as the saint.