Part of Me

Kellin’s POV

I was in the first week into my sixth month of pregnancy and I still hadn’t felt the baby kick yet. I was worried. Extremely anxious even, that something was wrong with my baby and the more I thought about that something was wrong, the worse my paranoia would become.

I was way over due movement from my baby and I couldn’t help but think maybe the worse had happened and my baby had…passed away. Just the mere thought of it had hot tears prickle at the corners of my eyes and cause my breathing to falter everytime. I had to remind myself of when I was in the hospital treating my injuries from falling down the stairs; which I suffered from a minor concussion and a couple of badly bruised ribs. The doctor assured me then that the baby was fine. The baby had survived the traumatic incident and as long as I was strictly on bed rest for the next six weeks to recover, the baby wouldn’t be in any further danger.

For the first few days I took on board what the doctor said but, the anxiety took over me soon enough and I started to look online to see if my baby’s non movement was normal for my stage of my pregnancy. According to online research, I should have felt them kick weeks ago and that information just pushed me off the edge. I convinced myself that I had failed as a mother. I lost my baby by giving into temptation… and that temptation was believing that Oliver wouldn’t hurt me. I was foolishly blinded by love and my punishment for that was having the most precious thing taken away from me.

On top of that, there was this stupid tiny part of me which actually missed Oliver. I know he doesn’t deserve to be missed but what could I do, I was with him for the last five years of my life, I couldn’t just erase all that. Our relationship wasn’t always bad. Yes, by the end of it he was completely consumed by the ugly monster that is drugs and alcohol and it was far clear he lost his mind to it. He mistreated me most of the time and even tried to… or did, make me lose my baby… If my suspicions were true I would never forgive him for it… and yet, some fucked up part of me will always love him despite what he’s done.

I had lost so much in just a short amount of time; Oliver, my home, maybe even my baby. I didn’t know how to handle it all and suddenly, it became so overwhelming. I was damn right miserable and it wasn’t long until I felt myself slip into a form of depression. I barely spoke to anyone and I would flinch away whenever someone came close to me. I was paranoid and terrified and pretty much cried myself to sleep every night.

Vic noticed my immense decrease in my mood and decided to pull Pierce The Veil from the tour. No matter how much I protested against it, Vic wouldn’t have any of it though. I was sure the other guys resented me for it even though they told me they understood the situation why they had to. I felt incredibly guilty for ruining this amazing opportunity for them which made feel even worse than I already did about everything. Vic wanted to give me his full attention and take care of me properly and he felt like he couldn’t do that when he was touring.

Everything was falling to shit because I was such a weak human being who couldn’t take care of themselves and I just wanted to slip away from life itself.

~~

I moved in with Vic at his parent’s house for the time being whilst I recovered and figure out what I’m going to do with my life now I no longer have Oliver. Vic has been like my rock for the last few weeks though and has barely left my side at all. He’s been great. At times he’s been a little overbearing with his strict rules of not being allowed to leave the bed no other than to use the bathroom which got really frustrating at one point. But other than that, he’s held me every time I’ve cried, listened to me when I shockingly spoke, go to the store in the middle of the night when I was craving, carried me to the bathroom when I needed a shower. I was more than grateful to have him through all this, I had no one else and he was there, just like he had always been.

I don’t know if it was down to my depression or hormones or what, but over this course of time I found myself seeing Vic more than just my best friend. That feeling absolutely terrified me and I swept it right under the carpet and to never have those feelings ever resurface again.

~~

“I’m hungry!” I whined for the third time already.

I was lying on the mini sofa Vic had in his parent’s garage with my legs hanging over the arm of the chair as I scrolled through social media on my phone for the hundredth time already. I came down here awhile ago because I was bored upstairs alone in the bedroom and I thought hearing Vic and Mike write a few songs together would keep me entertained. But I was wrong, my stomach wouldn’t stop growling and I found myself getting restless as I did nothing but sit around all day and be ignored by Vic. I was feeling clingy today and just wanted extra attention from Vic but he was too busy working on new music.

“Kells, my mum just made you chicken noodle soup half an hour ago.” Vic complains without looking up from his piece of paper he was writing on.

“But I’m still hungryyyy!” I whined again, hoping it would get his attention.

“I bought you four packets of Reece cups yesterday, why don’t you snack on some of them?” He suggests, finally looking up from the paper.

“I ate them already.”

“All of them?” he accuses with a raised eye brow which made me feel self conscious of my pregnant body.

“I’m eating for two you know!” I snapped and folded my arms to my chest and huffed in annoyance.

I was still craving a lot of food, mainly peanut butter was all my body wanted to consume right now. I would literally eat anything if it was coated in peanut butter and I didn’t even like peanut butter before I was pregnant. That was the only reassuring sign I had to tell me that there was a slight chance that my baby was okay and alive because I still had the pregnancy cravings.

“Alright, fine, I’ll go to the store and get you some more snacks.” I hear Vic sigh in defeat and put down his guitar.

“Vic, bro, we’re in the middle of practice.” Mike interferes not sounding too happy.

“We can carry on when I get back from the store.”

“Whatever.” Mike shrugs and drops his drum sticks on the floor angrily.

Guilt washed over me when Mike left the room. I shouldn’t have interrupted they’re band practice but I was bored and hungry and pretty much still on bed rest so its not like I could go to the store myself and get food because I would.

“Sorry.” I mumbled when Mike was out of sight.

“Don’t worry about Mike.” Vic assured.

“You’ve been practicing for hours, you deserve a time out. You should have a snack break with me for an hour or so.” I suggested but Vic just looked a little agitated with me.

“I know you’re bored Kells, but please try not to disturb us when we’re in here practicing, it’s important that we get stuff done.” He says making me feel horrible.

I furrow my brows not liking the sound in his tone which made me just snap like a crazy hormonal person.

“What else am I’m supposed to do?! You keep me locked away in your room for hours on end and I’m going out of my mind doing nothing all day every day!” I yell.

“You’re supposed to be resting Kellin.”

“I am resting!” I argue back and turned away from him on the sofa childishly.

I winced when I twisted a little too hastily and hurt my bruised ribs from the movement which made me want to cry in pain.

I hear Vic sigh heavily from behind me. I was probably driving him round the bend with my hot and cold personality.

“I get it, you’re bored and fed up but you need to recover fully first Kell before you can do anything else again.”

I didn’t say anything and the longer I didn’t the more irritated he got with me.

“Kell?”

I was sulking dramatically now, I knew that, but I didn’t care. I was bored, pregnant and very hungry and just wanted the attention from my best friend but clearly its too much to ask to spend an hour with him just so he wouldn’t stress about work too much.

I didn’t realise how emotion I got from this until I sniffled into the cushion beside me and notice a couple of tears had fallen.

“Come on Kells, don’t cry on me.” Vic moans in frustration.

I shook my head and kept my back to him as I wiped the tears away. My hormones where all over the place and I knew I was being ridiculous and unfair on Vic but sometimes I just couldn’t help it. I couldn’t control my feelings.

I wasn’t just upset because he wouldn’t spend time with me, it was so much more than that and I shamefully haven’t told him about what has been on my mind and been worrying me sick the last couple of weeks. He’s asked me what’s been up with me but I’ve just brushed it off as nothing each time.

“The baby still hasn’t moved.” I slowly looked up at Vic sheepishly and saw him frown back at me.

“Still?” he asks and I nod glumly.

“But you’re hungry, right? You’re craving food, like, every half hour, that’s a good sign… the baby’s probably just being lazy, like they’re mum.” He laughs it off but I glare up at him through my tears, not finding it amusing at all.

The amusement falls from his face and turns into a more serious expression before kneeling down to my level. He combs his fingers through my hair lovingly and puts the other hand to my bump and sighs.

“Kells, I promise the baby’s okay, the doctor told us everything was fine before you checked out of hospital. Please don’t stress about it, love. It’s not good for you to get yourself into a state like this, I promise, they’re okay.” He says putting on a brave smile.

He was nervous, I could see it in his eyes but I knew he was trying to be strong for me. I give him points for that. But I just couldn’t help but feel like something was wrong. Everything has been going wrong lately so it only makes sense that this would too.

He kisses the side of my head before standing back up straight and looking down at me.

“Anything in particular you want from the store?” he asks sounding happier now.

“Anything with peanut butter.” I mumble which made him laugh.

“I should have known.” He smiles and I feel my heart flutter embarrassingly.

I feel my cheeks burn up and I quickly look away from him before he notices. What the fuck was that? I feel like a 13 year old girl who has just discovered their first crush! I have never blushed when Vic smiles at me before… nor have I felt all weird and warm inside. I didn’t get what was happening all of the sudden.

I didn’t get a chance to think about it because his hands were already on me.

“Let me help you move to the living room before I go.” He says helping me stand up from the sofa carefully.

My cheeks burn immensely when he put his arms around me and started walking me to door. Thankfully he didn’t seem like he notice me blushing. Oh my god, why was my body acting like this for? He has done this so many times before and I haven’t reacted like a love sick teenager! Hormones! It was most definitely the hormones! And I wouldn’t think anything else of it!

~~

Vic came back from the store awhile ago with a big bag of treats for me and went back to practicing some music with Mike in the garage. I promised not to interrupt them this time unless it was absolute necessary.

I was dipping Oreos into a tub of peanut butter and eating them with no shame that I’ve almost gone through the entire Oreo packet already. Vic and Mike’s parents were out for the day so I had taken over the living room sofa as I didn’t want to be annoying and in the way of anyone. Making PTV drop out of the tour still had me feeling really guilty so I was trying my best to entertain myself and not bother them.

There wasn’t much on TV so I just settle on watching Toy Story 3 because it was the only decent film on. If Vic was right and the baby was fine, I guess I would have to get used to watching a lot of Disney films, not that I minded, they were the best of films anyway.

I had no moved onto a tub of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, the peanut butter cup flavour, which was by far the best flavour ever invented and winning big time with my cravings right now.

I sat up abruptly when I felt an unknown discomfort kind of feeling hit against my stomach from the inside. My hand flew down to where the pain had come from and I gently smooth over the spot to try to settle the feeling. I thought maybe I had eaten way too much junk food and my body was just hating me for it but, as I waited a couple more minutes to see if it happened again, it did. But this time, my heart sunk and my eyes widen when it finally struck me what was happening.

“Vic!” I yelled loud enough so he could hear me from garage.

I didn’t care about interrupting his song writing this time because this could not wait another second.

“Kellin, you said you wouldn’t disturb us.” He scolds from the door way.

When he saw my face his annoyance left instantly and came running over to me, with his acoustic guitar hanging over his back by his strap.

“What’s wrong? Kellin, what is it?” he asks all panicked and filled with anxiety.

He frantically knelt in front of me looking for any signs of distress or discomfort. I didn’t mean to frighten him more but I couldn’t stop myself from letting a couple of tears roll down my cheeks from how overwhelm I suddenly felt.

“Is it the baby? Should I call an ambulance?” Vic asks in a panicky voice.

I was unable to find words to speak so I just shook my head at him and took hold of his wrist before pulling his hand to my stomach where his palm layed flat across my bump.

“What is it Kell-“ Vic stopped mid sentence and I watched as his brown eyes widen when he felt the little patter coming from inside me.

“Was that a kick?” he asks in shock. His wide eyes looked from me down to my bump and then back up at me again for confirmation.

I smiled widely and swallowed down the lump in my throat before nodding at my best friend. I then let tears of pure joy run down my cheeks freely.

“They’re kicking.” I choke.

“Oh my god.” Vic gasps and puts both hands on my baby bump and waited for the baby to kick again.

“They’re okay, Vic. I can’t believe they’re okay.” I sobbed in relief.

Vic looked at me with eyes glisten over with unfallen tears and with the biggest smile on his lips which made my heart swell just like it did earlier when he smiled at me.

“Of course they’re okay, they have you taking care of them. I told you they would be okay.” He tells me happily.

I nod feeling silly for not believing him in the first place and getting myself all worried for weeks over nothing.

Vic cups my cheeks with both his hands and leans in and captures my lips with his unexpectedly. I was shocked by the actions of my best friend but it only took a second for me to melt into the kiss and kiss him straight back.

My emotions were everywhere and right now in this moment, this kiss felt right. I was so overcome with happiness and joy that nothing could ruin this for me. This was the first sign of happiness I have felt in a long time.

We shared this beautiful moment together and I couldn’t ask for it to happen in any other way. My baby kicked for the very first time and although, it took them awhile I believe it had brought me and Vic closer together.

I put my hand over Vic’s which was resting on my bump where the baby had kicked for the last couple of times. I feel him pull away hesitantly from the kiss but lent his forehead against mine and we stayed there in complete content for a few seconds.

I feel him stroke my cheek with his thumb gently and lift my chin up so my eyes were looking back into his deeply.

“You and me, Kells, it starts right here. Just me, you and this little ass kicker.” He says making me laugh through my happy tears at his ridiculous nickname for my baby.

I nod in agreement with him though because nothing has ever sounded do perfect.

It was simply us three and no one else.