Part of Me

Kellin’s POV

I sat on the lonely park bench on my own getting soaked by the pouring rain which continues to crash around me. Rain drops blending in with my tears running down my already wet cheeks, the harshness of the water drenching my clothes, sticking it to my skin and my black hair clinging to the sides of my face.

I shiver from the freezing temperature, knowing I will only catch a cold the longer I choose to sit out in it but I don't care. I have no energy left in me to move and it's not like I have anywhere else to go. Everyone I thought who my friends were have betrayed me in some horrible way.

I was alone in the world. Well, that's exactly how I felt right now. No friends, no boyfriend, no family, no one. I was a good person, I knew I was. All my life I've gone out of my way to make others happy and for what? To end up miserable and alone. I didn't deserve this, this awful lonesomeness.

Now my sad life has lead me to this park bench, with no home to call my own and not a friend in the world to have by my side. Where did I go wrong? Maybe I should have packed up all my things and left with dad four years ago and maybe then I wouldn't be pregnant by some careless druggie and nothing to show for my life.

I sobbed heavily into my hands, my breathing faltering and I was struggling to find the right mind set to calm myself down. Everything was just a big mess and my future was more than unclear. It all terrified me. I didn't want to do this alone and with my anxiety taking control like this, it made me question if I made the right decision keeping the baby.

My phone in my pocket hadn't stopped vibrating from continuous calls from Vic. I've ignored each call and text so far, I didn't want anything to do with him right now. Just the tiniest thought of him made me so furious. He is the reason why I'm sat out in the pouring rain with no place to go because he kept secrets from me. I really thought I could trust him, he was my best friend but he screwed me over just like everyone else. I don't see how we're going to be able to come back from that... he broke my trust for lights of someone as Josh.

I reached into my pocket angrily grabbing my phone out ready to turn off the device so it wouldn't bug me anymore, but as I glanced down at the wet phone, the caller ID had me choking on an unexpected sob.

I hadn't seen those three letters appear on my screen in such a long time it made my heart sink right down to the pit of my stomach. A sense of nostalgic suddenly came over me when I'm instantly reminded of the good old days.

My thumb hovers above the answer button, hesitation getting the best of me. I wondered what he wanted. I guess I'll never know unless I answer the call... but that was the thing, I'm wasn't quite sure if I was ready to talk to him again. The last time we spoke I had said such awful things to him.

Awful things I've regretted for years. If I never said any of those things I most probably wouldn't be in the situation I was in now. I only had myself to blame though, I couldn't resent him for leaving when I practically made him.

I've missed him. I didn't know how much until I saw his name flash across my phone. Maybe this was some sort of sign to get back in contact with him again. I don't know if he'll want to know me after he discovers the mess I have got myself into but I'll never know if I don't answer the damn call.
I swallow the lump in my throat quickly and pluck up just enough courage to press the answer button before the called ended and very slowly, with a shaky hand I lift the phone to my ear.

"Dad?"

Flashback ~ Four and half years ago

"I'm not going!" I yell as I stomp my foot in frustration.

"Oh yes you are Kellin, now stop arguing with me and pack your things!" my dad yelled back at me.

"No! You can't make me go with you!"

"You're seventeen Kellin, you're still a child and under parental guidance."

"I'm eighteen in two months, what's the point of making me leave when I'll only come right back?"

I was trying to come up with any excuse I could think of that could keep me from leaving. But so far
I was failing miserably.

"He's just a boy Kellin, I'm sure you'll meet another in the next city we move to."

"I don't want to meet another boy, I want to stay here with Oliver." I argued, appalled at the idea of meeting another boy.

My dad grunts at the mention of my boyfriend's name and continues packing up a cardboard box, hardly paying any attention to me at all.

"He might be the first Kellin but I assure you, he won't be your last. Two months away from this place and I bet you would have forgotten all about him and have no intentions on coming back here."

I most definitely won't forget Oliver but he might forget me and my dad knew that too. He was most probably relying on it to happen and that's what I was afraid of. If I was gone for too long Oliver might get bored of waiting for me and move on. I mean, he is the most popular and attractive guy around here after all, there's plenty of girls and guys trying to hook up with him and the minute they find out I no longer live here, they will make their move on him.

Jealously stirred within me brewing at its finest. There is no way I was going to let that happen. I was staying put and my dad just had to deal with it.

"I have that money grandma left to me, I can get my own place with it." I mention making my dad snap his head round instantly sending me a glare.
"That money is for you to go to art school!" he states sternly making me frown.

"Grandma never said what it was for, she said it was mine when I turned eighteen and I can do with it what I please."

"Kellin," my dad warn and I stood with my arms crossed to my chest angrily.

"What is your plan, huh? Waste your money to spend on a house so you can put a roof over that troublesome punk?" My dad accused. He never like Oliver from the start and always tried to get me to stay away from him. "That kid is nothing but bad news and I will not have my son waste my mother's hard earnings to waste his life with some lowlife who's gonna flush all your dreams down the toilet."

"I love him and I'm not going anywhere without him!"

My dad scoffs shaking his head in disapproval.

"You truly believe he loves you?"

"Y-yes..." the nerves had me second guessing myself and I catch my dad rolling his eyes at my unsureness.

"You're seventeen, you don't know anything about love and you refusing to leave and pack your things just proves that you're still a child."

"Why do you even want an annoying teenager following you around for? Aren't you getting a bit too old for wanting your kid around you all the time? I mean, it's embarrassing." My dad stopped what he was doing and glared at me making me regret what I said.

"Look Kellin, I've accepted your sexuality, I let you have you your boyfriend come over, I've allowed you to be who you are and do what you want which is a lot more than what you're mother ever did." He huffs irritably setting a box on the floor. "The decency you can do is to respect me and my decision as a father and what's best for my kid!"

Hot angry tears sprung to the corner of my eyes. He wasn't listening to me and I was getting really annoyed at the fact that he wouldn't let me stay here. I was getting desperate now, so desperate that I was thinking about doing something extremely low and uncalled for.

"Now I know why mum left you! You're an unlovable, selfish, lonely old man who drives his own family apart because he's too afraid of winding up on his own and believing he's going to die alone so you make us suffer! Well, newsflash dad, I don't want to have anything more to do with you, I hate you and I never want to see you again!" I scream loud and clear but I didn't mean a single word of it.

I didn't want to take mums side, I really didn't. I hated her guts because she pretty much disowned me when I came out and left dad for another man in the last city we lived in. But dad wasn't giving me any choice but to be a spiteful spoilt brat and say all these nasty things which I didn't mean at all! I just didn't want to be constantly dragged around the bloody country every so many months that I couldn't even make a single friend because I'll forget them in no time.

The devastation on my dad's face was going to haunt me for the rest of my life. My heart sank and I wanted to take the words right back but he stopped what he was doing and walked out of the room without a giving me single glance my way and left me on my own.

~~

"Kellin?"

I could barely hear him over the loudness of the rain but just the faint sound of his husky older voice had me biting down on my trembling lip to prevent me from bursting out into hysterical tears, even though I was already in the middle of having a mental break down.

"D-dad," I was all choked up with a thousand questions on the tip of my tongue but none left my mouth.

"Yeah Kells, it's me. Err, sorry if it's a bad time, well it's just that I'm in town and I was thinking maybe if you're free, we could meet up?"

"Wait, you're here?" I ask in disbelief.

"Yeah, I thought four years is long enough to deserve some catch up time with my son." He chuckles awkwardly.

I can't believe it's been that long since we last spoke. It was shameful. And now suddenly he's here and wants to meet up, it was bizarre.

"Kells?"

"I've got myself into a mess dad." I sobbed coming clean.

"What sort of mess Kellin?"

"A real big stupid mess."

He sighs down the phone.

"Remember that little Italian restaurant we used to eat at every Thursday's?

"Y-yeah," I smile at the reminder.

"Should I meet you there so we can have a chat, see what's this mess is you've got yourself into." He suggests and I nervously agree to.

"O-okay."

I hung up the call and got up from my seat on the park bench and made my way to the Italian restaurant in the rain. We used to come here every Thursday, just the two of us to have some father son bonding time, but when he moved away I didn't have the heart to ever come back here.

Nerves started to kick in when I reached the restaurant on the edge of town. I had no idea how my dad was going to react when he discovers what the sort of "mess" I got myself into. I mean, he was my biggest fan, he always encouraged me to pursue in my wildest dreams and to go places with my art work, not get knocked up before I even turn twenty five and not make anything out of myself. He was going to be so disappointed in me and it broke my heart.

I was almost tempted to do a no show. Just the thought of disappointing my dad made me feel so incredibly guilty and useless that I didn't want to see him despite how long we've not seen each other. I just wanted to make him proud and I've done everything but that.
When I looked through the steamy window of the restaurant and saw my dad sitting at a table, my heart leapt into my throat. All thoughts of wanting to run away and not show up left my head the second I saw him. I took in a sharp intake of breath and pushed all my fears aside and open the door and stepped inside out of the rain.

My dad stood up from his seat with a face full of relief but then dropping to concern when he notices my red puffy eyes. I probably looked like a drown rat shivering in the middle of the restaurant like I was a homeless person. I literally was at this point.

I see my dad's eyes glance me up and down and that's when I saw the disappoint flash across his face when his blue eyes which I inherited meet with my six month pregnant stomach.

The looked pained me. I feel my lip quiver as tears rushed to my eyes, threatening to fall any moment now.

He sighs heavily before meeting his eyes back up at mine, softening.

"Come here, kiddo." He gestures with his hand and cry with joy as I literally throw myself at him.
I lock my arms around his waist and burst into another fresh set of tears. His arms wrap around me also, immediately comforting me with his warmth and familiar smell of peppermints and coffee.

"You're soaking wet Kells, did you walk here in the rain with no coat or umbrella?" I nod against his chest, not ready to let go of my death grip I had around him just yet.

"Come on, let's get you warmed up and get you something to eat. I bet you're both hungry?" I nod with a sniffle and a growing smile on my lips because he referred me as us, including the baby too.

I reluctantly let go of him and took a seat thankfully by a radiator where I could warm my wet clothes.

At least he wasn't yelling at me for being the biggest disappointment in his life. Or maybe that will come later on...

We sat and ordered pizza whilst I awkwardly explained mostly everything to him what has happened in the last four years. He wasn't at all happy that I was carrying Oliver's baby, he was actually shocked to hear that I was still involved with him. I guess he was hoping that I had seen sense and left him long ago. He was mature enough not to say I told you so which I was grateful for because in my emotional hormonal state I don't think I would have been able to take it.

I missed out the part about Oliver being a drug addict and pushing me down a flight of stairs as his attempt to get rid of my baby. I didn't exactly want my dad to be given a prison sentence for murdering the father of my child. I just said we had a difficult break up and I'm now living with Vic until things cool down between us. That managed to perk him up a little, dad always liked Vic from back at school. Well, I think dad literally liked anyone I brought home other than Oli.

Silence fell upon us shortly making us both stare glumly down at our hot chocolates waiting for the other to speak up again. Neither of us had the guts to bring up the argument the night he left though... I guess that was meant for another day. One thing which daunted on me though which was how long he was going to be hanging around for and would I be seeing more of him?

"How long are you in town for?" I ask hopeful.

"Just for today." he says making me sigh in defeat.

I would have loved if he could stay longer. I desperately needed the different type of company right now and just a little more time for us to catch up on and real build our relationship, not just an afternoon.

"Why don't you come back with me?" he asks, startling me.

Move back in with dad? The offer was tempting and it took me a minute to think about it. I was desperate for a fresh start, a place where no one knew my name and a place for my baby to grow up without any unnecessary drama. It sounded wonderful but was running away from my problems the right thing to do? Could I really leave Vic? Could I easily forget and leave Oliver behind for good?

"I can't just up and leave..."

"Sure you can, what's keeping you here now Kells? You've been held back the last five years of your life because of time wasting boys. You're free now to make your own decisions and make a better life for your baby."

I bit my lip and thought over my options. Stay here living in Vic's parent's house and feeling torn between Vic and Oliver all the time? Continue on living in a drama filled lifestyle, surrounding myself with negative people and constantly fighting over someone who was never going to love me in the way I deserved to be loved.

Or move out of Sheffield for good with dad and make a fresh start for myself and my baby. Make a new life for us, make new friends, forget the past and move on for the benefit for my baby's? The tour life wasn't any life for a devoting boyfriend or loving parent. I wanted to breathe in fresh air of the outside not the toxic air filled with cigarettes and sweaty venues.

"It'll be a bit cramped at first, but I'll find us a bigger place once I get moved to my new place." My dad said making all the positives get swept away.

I sigh in defeat, it was hopeless. I hated my dad's job and how he was always constantly travelling up and down the country for work. It was unsettling and I needed a permanent stable place to bring my baby up.

"Thanks for the offer dad but I don't think running away is the right thing to do... I need to stay here and sort things out with Oliver and discuss custody and all that stuff." I tell him and I could tell that he wanted to argue with me but instead he nodded in understanding.

"When did you grow up so fast, huh?"

I shrug leaning my cheek into my fist which was prompted up by my elbow on the table.

"I kinda had to."

"I'm proud of you Kellin, you're the best thing to come out of my life so you just carry on what you're doing and don't let anyone get you down, alright?"

"I'm the best thing in your life?" I ask in a surprised tone.

"Of course you are, you are my son."

"But I- I've let you down." I say barely audible.

"Let me down? Kells, you are the proudest achievement I've made in my life no matter what stupid decisions you've made for yourself. I love you and I will always be proud of you not matter what life throws at you. You will feel the same when your little one comes along, trust me." his little speech had me wiping away the tears from my eyes again.

I had no idea he felt like that. I didn't know I meant so much to him despite our broken relationship. It meant the world hearing this from him even if it did send me into another tearful mess.

Unfortunately dad had to leave because it was getting late and he had a long way to drive back home. I didn't want him to leave but I was grateful that he called and asked to see me, it made me feel so much better about everything and knowing I had him back in life.

We stood outside under the cover of the Italian restaurant out of the rain as we said our awkward goodbyes.

"You sure I can't change your mind in making you come back with me?" he asked once more and I slowly shook my head no.

A big part of me really wanted to leave this life behind and go with him but I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. I had to face my demons and responsibilities. Despite how angry and heartbroken I am with both Vic and Oli, I couldn't just leave them behind as if I never cared. I needed to stay and figure things out and then maybe, I'll reconsider my dad's offer if things change.

My dad held his arms out to me and I more than willingly let myself be engulf in his arms once more and hugged him tightly to me not wanting to let him go.

"I love you dad."

"I love you too, Kells. Always have and always will." My heart warmed at his unconditional love and honesty. A parent's love was truly something special and I can't wait to share an unbreakable bond with mine.

Before I could let him go I had to say one more thing to him otherwise I'd go out of my mind.

"Dad?"

"Yes, son?" he says whilst running his fingers through my damp hair softly.

"I'm sorry for the things I said when you left." I mumble timidly into his chest.

He lifts my chin up with his finger making me look up at him.

"I forgive you." he smiles down at me and I smile weakly in return before bringing him back into one last hug before we went our separate ways and I was left on my own again.