Part of Me

Josh's POV - (Trigger warning)

I come home from my very successful shopping trip with many items of adorable baby clothes and essentials. But my joyful mood is quickly flatten when I find Oliver passed out on the sofa with the evidence of white powdered scattered all over the coffee table. Cocaine.

I huff in annoyance at the unpleasant sight before me and rolled my eyes. He said he would cut down, but I guess he wasn't ready to cut down today. I sigh heavily and wondered if he'll ever be ready to cut down or clean himself up completely. I sure hope so because I didn't want my baby to have a junkie as a father.

I shake thoughts from my mind for now and make my way upstairs to use Oli's laptop.

The spare room was Oli's mini recording studio where he'd write and record music for Bring Me The Horizon, but I couldn't wait to start decorating it into Harley's nursery. I glance around the overly cramped room with recording equipment and plain white walls and thought about the colour schemes I would like to choose.

If baby Harley was a girl I'd paint the walls a pastel yellow and lilac and if Harley was a boy, the walls will be pastel yellow and a light grey with white baby furniture for both.

I smile happily at my decision and log myself onto Oli's laptop to see if I could use the coupons on any baby furniture I got today. I was eager to start preparing myself and the baby's room because I found it all so exciting and didn't want to wait anymore.

As I was browsing the website a little email popped up in the bottom right hand corner which I thought seemed a bit dodgy. I furrowed my brows in uncertainty and clicked on the pop up which opened up Oli's email home page.

I narrow my eyes at the recent email which was titled - "Photos from behind the scenes ;)"

I could only assume that this was referring to Oli's recent magazine cover which only came out a couple of days ago.

I had already seen the magazine with the shirtless images of him and read the interview where he fails to mention me or the baby and just spoke about the rock scene, touring and drug taking. Despite the bold head line which read "Drugs, Sex and Rock N Roll" on the front page, with his shirt undone and him with an ecstasy tablet on his tongue, I thought the whole thing was highly inappropriate. Yes, he was becoming this rock star icon and wanted to live up to its name, but advertising sex and drugs to his fans was the wrong image to give out.

I kept my mouth shut though because he seem proud of it and snapped at me when I commented about the unbutton shirt when I first saw it. I mean, it's normal right that I didn't want the whole world having the pleasure of gawking at my boyfriend's body. I wanted it to be for my eyes only but Oli disagreed.

I stared long and hard at the email and chewed on my lower lip as I hovered the arrow over the email as I contemplated my next actions. I just had this horrible gut wrenching feeling that this email was dodgy, but I had every right to be suspicious because there was a bloody wink emoji in the title! Who sends an email with a wink in the title if it wasn't meant to be flirty?

I began shaking my leg up and down in anticipation which was a nervous reflex. I knew this was just going to drive me insane for days on end if I didn't know what was inside that email. So I did the unspeakable and clicked on the email shamefully.

I know there was no relationship without trust but something about this email just didn't feel right to me. I had to know even if it made me a bad person for snooping.

There weren't anything written inside, it was just a file of photographs which I clicked on the link to open. The first couple of photos which appear were the ones I had already seen before in the magazine, Oli laying on a bunch of pink pillows on the ground with his shirt unbutton showing off his toned heavily tattoo body. Nothing unusual...

As I continue to scroll down, the photos start to get a little inappropriate which makes my heart begin to race. Oli's floral shirt completely disappears, and he posing seductively without it on.

Okay, I guess that's not so bad, he just wanted to flaunt off his bare chest, no big deal right?

I scroll down and discover there's more photos of him, this time unexpectedly yet seductively unbuttoning his jeans and then, followed by photos of him in nothing but those silky baby pink boxers. I gasp slightly stunned at what were displayed out before me but I find myself biting down on my lip as I gave the images a closer look.

The photographs were more or less a mini strip tease and I found myself getting slight aroused by them.

I mean, who could blame me, I was pregnant with raging hormones flying all over the place and there were photos of my hot as fuck boyfriend taking his clothes off. Who wouldn't be turned on by this?

And that's when the obvious it hit me. How far did Oli go taking his clothes off and why was he doing it for this photographer if the photos weren't used in the magazine? Many questions started to pop up but I didn't have the answers to them.

My chest tightens with anxiety and a wave of sickness washes over me at the thought. I swallow thickly as I hesitantly scrolled further down the page. The next picture took me by big surprise when it reveals Oliver with his hand down his boxers grasping himself.

I gulp in shock at his utter boldness. Don't get me wrong, the photo was very erotic with one hand behind his head, eyelids closed and biting on his lower lip as he pleasured himself in those silky pants he was wearing. But at the same time it broke my heart to witness him basically jerk himself off in front of some random photographer with no shame whatsoever. Why was he doing this? What were these photos even for? Self pleasure? Torment? We were about to become a family! And he was parading naked in front of a camera for the whole world to see. Oh god, I really hope these don't leak, that's the last thing I needed.

I stressfully run a hand through my hair and huff in frustration as I lent my cheek against my hand which my elbow was now resting on the desk. Every time I give myself an excuse that he's going to change and be better he always finds a way to prove me wrong. Fuck, Oliver just once prove me wrong.

Feeling defeated I still stupidly continue to scroll down the page and the photograph I saw next absolutely ruined me.

I froze as my heart literally leapt into my throat making it harder for me to breathe or prevent the tears which entered the corners of my eyes. In the next image Oli wasn't alone. There was in fact another random guy with him who was also shirtless who I can only assume was the photographer? I wasn't sure and I didn't care, I was beyond distraught at this point.

With my heart pounding away in my chest and tears blurry my vision but I urgently wanted to find out what on earth this guy had to do with the photo shoot. So I eagerly scroll down again to look at the rest of the photos but I instantly was filled with regret, because it shattered my heart into pieces at what my boyfriend had done to me.

There were numerous of photographs of the two of them making out together and by the time my teary hurtful eyes got to the very end of the email, I had basically witness the two of them fuck in each photo frame.

I was an absolute sobbing mess as I reached the bottom. I felt sick to my stomach as it twisted into varies of knots and anxiety. My entire body was shaking as tears uncontrollably rolled down my cheeks as I felt utter betrayal by the one I love.

He cheated on me. There in photographic evidence was proof that he well and truly cheated on me.

"Fuck," I breathed out heavily as I tried coming to terms with the fact my boyfriend had did the unspeakable of to me.

My blurry vision glance back at the disgusting photographs and as I was about to click off the email hoping I'd never have to see them again, I notice there was actually a little written message at the end of the email.

"This shoot was fun, let's do again sometime ;) A.E"

Who the fuck is A.E? I was desperate to find out who he was so I could hunt him down and murder him for ruining my life.

I wrecked my brain for someone with the initials of A.E but I couldn't think of anybody. I checked the date of when this shoot was taken and it was the same day I had my 12 week scan and Oli couldn't come because he had a photo shoot to go to. This photo shoot. My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach in realisation and my blood runs cold. He couldn't come to our baby's ultra sound because he was too busy taking ecstasy and fucking random photographers! How could he?!

He promised me things were gonna be different now that Kellin was out of the picture for good. He promised me it was just going to be me and him now and no one else but he flat out lied! He lied when he said he wanted to have this family life with me, the asshole fucking lied!

"What are you doing in here?" a voice slurs from the door way making me flinch and whip my head around in panic because I knew I have been caught doing the dirty.

His body lazily lent against the door frame not giving a shit that I'm sat here in tears because of his vile actions. Instead of questioning it, I watch as his heavy hazel eyes shift from me to his laptop behind me which displayed the sexual images of him and that fucking whore as clear as day.

His tired bored expression is instantly replaced with rage before he locks eyes with me.

"What the fuck are you doing snooping through my things?!" he angrily accused.

"Y-you cheated on me!" I argue back but he marches over to me and aggressively grabs a fist full of my hair and yanks my head back.

"How fucking dare you go behind my back and go through my personal shit!"

"Ow, Oliver let go, please!" I whimper trying to release his death grip from my hair but I failed.

"Come on then, what's your excuse for invading my privacy you little shit?!" he yells into my ear, almost bursting my ear drum as I cower in his grip.

"I-I didn't mean to- honest. Oliver, w-who is that guy in the photos?" I cry pathetically.

Despite his fiery rage he smirks when his eyes flicker to his laptop screen, amused at what he saw causing my heart to crack in two.

"He wanted me to put on a good show, so I gave the guy what he wanted, maybe a bit more than he had in mind but we both enjoyed ourselves in the end." He shrugs laughing it off.

My teary eyes widen in disbelief, I can't believe he just admitted that. He even didn't care that he betrayed me, he thought it was funny!

"Oh come on Josh, don't look so appalled, you didn't give a shit when you were fucking me behind Kellin's back for all those years did you?" he reminds me without a single drop of guilt in his voice. "You know what they say love, what goes around, comes around." He scoffs before harshly shoving me into his desk, no doubt causing me to have yet another bruise...

"Y-you said you l-loved me." my voice shook from devastation.

"Are you questioning my feelings for you?" he growls making me step away from his wrath.

"N-no, but yo-"

"It sounds like you are, Josh!"

"You slept with another guy, what about us? The baby-"

"Oh, enough about the damn baby already!" he snaps slamming his fist down on the desk beside me, making me flinch in fear. "I left one pregnant guy and I didn't get with you just to be with another and be bombarded with insignificant boring baby shit."

"But- but..." I stutter, truly a loss for words from the painful truth which came out of his mouth.

"You wanna know why I slept with another guy, because you've become fucking boring as hell ever since I unfortunately knocked you up!" I cry harder at his confession that I couldn't even look at him.

"You used to be fun J and I really did want to be with you, but now I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than have to sit and listen to another minute of your tedious bickering about something to do with that bloody baby!"

I choke on a sob unable to hold back my devastation. I've been in love with him since school and I was devastated when he chose Kellin over me. For years I have been fighting to get him back so we can finally be together properly and have a real relationship but all he seems to care about is himself. I thought I could change that when we got together, show everyone that he really does love me and want me and when I found out I was carry his baby, it felt like a miracle. A miracle which blessed our relationship, the opportunity for us to start again and have a family where Oli would want to clean himself up and become a better person for us.

"I thought you wanted this, you said-"

"I said I wanted you J, not the baby, you." He informs me. "And I'm not going to share you, so you either terminate that thing or we're over. Understood?"

"W-what?" I gasp at his shocking words.

My hand automatically glides along my stomach protectively. Thing? I bite my tongue hard to prevent the hurt which was bubbling up inside of me, barking back in anger will only get me in bigger trouble with him and no doubt gain another unwanted bruise. But I can't believe he wanted me to get rid of Harley... Our baby who was now 14 weeks old. Who now has a name and fingers and toes and who can now hear my voice when I speak to them. He wanted me to kill them? I couldn't, I wouldn't. I didn't have it in me to do that. I know I've done some bad things in my life but terminating an innocent life is not one of them.

"I thought you loved me, Josh?" I glance back up at him because I was shocked by the sudden hurt in his tone.

"I-I do-"

"Well then, this should be an easy decision for you."

He takes my hand away from my stomach and kisses my knuckles sweetly making me feel super guilty about everything.

"Don't tell me you'd rather choose a bunch of cells over your high school sweetheart? Hm? Aren't I the only one you've ever loved?" his large pupils stare back into my wet ones intently. He knew I loved him more than anything. "You're actually going to cast me aside, make me second best now that you've finally got me to be yours all because you want a screaming crying baby more?" he said taking offence to my decision.

I love him more than life itself but I really, really didn't want to lose Harley either. He was pushing me into a corner where I'd eventually have nowhere else to turn and have no other choice but to give in to him. I could already feel myself slipping.

"I-I can't, Oliver. Please don't make me do this." I beg through whimpers hoping he'll reconsider.

He smiles at me gently brushing his thumb across my knuckles and for a moment I actually think he's going to give into my pleads, but I'm foolishly mistaken. Within seconds his smile is turned into a harsh scowl and in his ball of anger he abruptly twists my arm behind my back causing me to let out a loud gasp of pain.

He twists my arm tighter and harder making me cry out even louder because I thought he was going to break my arm from the deadly hold he had it in.

"What did I tell you about disobeying me?!" he yells aggressively into my face only making me whimper in response.

"You do as I say, Josh, you got that?!" he growls and shoves me into the wall violently knocking the breath out of me.

Before I can even recover from the unkindly shove his fist connects with my face and I shriek loudly in pain as pure agony runs through my left eye. My hand flings to cradle my eye, thinking I've essentially gone blind because I couldn't open my eye from the intense throbbing flowing through it.

I feel Oliver's hands grab the sides of my face but I fight against him not wanting him to touch me at all right now after attacking me. I struggle against his firm grip though as he forces my face towards his and hushes me from my frantic whimpers intimidatingly.

I blink frantically through my tears, hardly gaining vision in my left abused eye. My vision land on the unknown man in front of me who was glaring back at me with nothing but fire in his wide eyes. I start to register that I've just been punched in the face by my boyfriend, immense fear strikes me and every instinct in my body tells me to get the hell away from him but I'm frozen still, too frighten to do anything wrong in case it will end with another fist to my face.

"You deserved that, you know that right?" I breathe heavily at his soft calm voice because I knew it was fake. It was the drugs taking over him and making him act this way.

"You weren't listening to me and you know I don't like that." he says gently, brushing his fingers through my hair affectionately as he leans into me.

I nod cowardly letting more tears fall and staying limp as tries comforting me running his fingers along my wet cheeks.

"Now, are you going to do as I say and do what I ask of you?"

I squeeze my eyes shut and I stupidly let a whimper fall from my lips, angering him once again. He punches the wall in anger when I don't response other than flinching at his every move.

"Forgive me Josh, but I am trying to get through to you and if this is the only way, then so be it." He seethes wickedly before grabbing the back of my neck and forcing me out of the room.

"If you refuse to do as I say then I'm afraid you'll have to suffer the same fate as Kellin then."

"No!" I scream when I realise he was dragging me towards the stairs.

"Oliver, don't, please!"

My fingers clawed at the walls in attempt to stop myself being pulled along but it was useless. It only made my fingers bleed. I fought against him but in my panic state I was no match against his non sober aggressive self. I was hysterical, begging him with every ounce of breath which I could past through my lungs, but there was no stopping him.

We came to a halt and then he suddenly dangles me over the top step of the staircase making me vision go hazy and I let out a strangled scream in sheer panic knowing what he was about to do to me.

"No! No! No! No!" I scream trying to back up away from the stairs but his body was frozen stiff and non-moving.

"Are you going to do as I say or do I have to do it myself?" I see the evil glare in his eyes, this was no threat to shaken me up, he was actually going to throw me down the stairs to finish the job off himself and I'd be stupid not to agree to him right now.

When I don't answer him fast enough he goes to shove me but I scream in protest and cling myself to him to keep me from falling over the edge.

"O-Okay, okay! I'll do anything y-you say Oliver, I-I promise! Just don't do it this way, p-please!" I cry hysterically into his chest and he gradually pulls me away from the stairs and leans my defeated body into the wall on the landing.

I couldn't breathe. My breathing was ragged and unnaturally fast as my heart harshly pounded against the inside of my chest. My mind was all fuzzy as I tried to grasp on what almost just happen. My whole body was trembling in fear unable to calm myself down from the horrible events which almost took place.

Oliver untangles my shaky hands from around his neck and he cradles my face with his heavily tattoos hands and tries to soothe me down from my horrific panic attack.

"I'm sorry baby, you know I don't like hurting you but when you upset me by not listening to me, this is the only way you listen." He brushes the tears away from my cheeks gently making me shudder at his touch.

The craze look in his eyes now gone and replace with a fake sympathy one.

This wasn't the first time he has hit me or threaten me by not listening to him or not doing as he says. It always ends with me getting hurt and crying and Oli soon regretting his angry actions and tries comforting me. He feeds me fake apologies and promises, saying he'll never do it again and cut back on using but it's just all lies.

I wonder if he ever hit Kellin whenever they argued or when Oli got high. Was this what Vic tried warning me about at the hospital when Kellin got hurt? Did I allow myself to walk into this death trap?

"Shh, shh shh baby, calm down," he soothes me, kissing me on the nose. "Now we're gonna forget this little incident ever happen and as for your punishment for snooping through my personal things, you're going to forgive me and forget what you found on my laptop and take care of the problem, okay?" he says in an patronising tone.

Feeling beyond defeated and exhausted I simply nod in agreement. I knew I lost this battle and I will no longer continue fighting with him.

I slink away from his grasp and head towards our bedroom in complete utter heart break.

"Josh?" I turn hesitantly at his voice.

"I love you, baby."

"Love you too." I whisper shakily barely mustering up a fake smile.

When he disappears from my view I run to our room and throw myself on to the bed and bursting into a fit of tears. I feel my heart crack a little bit more in devastation. He never used to be like this. He used to be this fun, free spirit who used to care about everything in life but now he's anything but that. He's toxic.

He's been my best friend all my life, I've loved him from as long as I could remember and we've shared so many happy moments together in the past. Why now that we're finally together as a couple all my hopes and dreams for us have fallen to shit?

I cried myself asleep to hopefully ease my aching heart and woke three hours later. I felt numb and sick when I woke, feeling my stomach grumbling in hunger but I grimace at the thought of food. I didn't want to eat but I wouldn't let baby Harley suffer because of my depressive mood.

I crawl out of bed and glance in the mirror lifelessly and I actually gasp in shock when I see the massive dark purple blue bruise which covered my entire left eye. I reached up and touch my fingers to my swollen eye making me hiss at the slightest touch it received as it was still raw and super sensitive. I look down at my arm where Oli had aggressively grabbed and twisted it and see the many dark bruises which covered my once pale skin. Looking back at myself in the mirror I didn't recognise myself at all. I was a complete different person and for what? Love?

Oli had a major drug addiction problem and also turns violent under the influence from drugs or alcohol. I thought I could get him to stop but I only seem to make it worse. I was once much like him, lived a life taking alcohol and pills without a care in the world and I did it with Oliver by my side to make him want me more, but ever since I fell pregnant I cleaned myself up. Harley saved me. I could have gone down the ugly road of addiction just as Oliver has but I got myself out when I could and focus on a life which was worth living for. Harley changed my life, I owe it to my baby to keep them alive too. I just had to figure out a way that I could keep them and still be with Oliver to. There must be a way and I was determine to find it.

But right now I really needed to figure out what I was going to do to cover this horrendous black eye. I slip on my navy blue hoodie, pull the hood up over my head and brush my hair over my eye as attempt to hide it. Maybe I could go to the supermarket and get some makeup to cover this up because I know a lot of people will start asking questions when they see it and I wanted to avoid that as much as possible.

Thankfully Oli wasn't home when I woke up which made it easier for me to leave the house and head to the store without being interrogated.

I had no fucking idea what product I needed to cover up my black eye as I stood looking ridiculous standing in the makeup aisle. There were so many things in different shades what did different things to your face and covered up certain features on your face, it just confuses me. God knows how girls do this every day?! I ended up putting three items in my basket which all said "Full Coverage" and hoped they were the right products to do the job.

I hurried towards the payment area just wanting to get out of here before I saw anyone I knew, but as I was rushing down the magazine aisle I halt in my tracks when I spot an oh so familiar raven haired boy.

Fuck, Kellin.

I stare at his large pregnant stomach feeling a hint of jealously come over me. He must be at least six or seven months now, I bet he's loving pregnancy now he didn't have to worry about Oli constantly telling him to get rid of it.

Sadness falls upon me and just as I'm about to walk away I notice Kellin's hard frown as he's focusing on reading something out of a magazine. It wasn't just any magazine though, it was the magazine with Oliver on the front page and Kellin's facial expression looked utterly disgusted as he read the interview. Much how I felt when I first read it, but thankfully for him he'll never know what happened behind the scenes of that photo shoot like I had discovered.

I feel a sharp pang hit my chest at the reminder of those horrible photos in that email. The heart break was still raw and sensitive from it all.

"Josh?" I look up realising Kellin had now notice my appearance and my eyes widen in horror that I have been spotted.

Kellin's harsh frown is quick to change into wide shocked eyes as his blue irises fall on my black eye. Panic quickly fills me and I'm quick to turn on my heel and leave the aisle and Kellin behind.

I wasn't fast enough though because the annoying little shit latched his hand around my wrist and pulled me to a stop making me hiss out in pain as if he had burnt me with fire. I cradle my bruised arm to my chest not wanting him to touch me again but I watch as his eyes widen even more as he looks back and forth to my arm, then back to my face before it all clicks in his mind.

"Did Oliver do this?" he accuses instantly.

"No." I shake my head not enough to convince him though.

"You're lying."

"What the fuck do you know?!" I yell and march down the toilet roll aisle heading towards the exit of the store.

"Josh, you need to report this." Kellin follows behind me making me spin around at him in anger.

"What, like you did?" I snarled making Kellin's furrow brows release in shame.

He had a chance to go to the police and report Oliver when he fell down the stairs but he chose not to. Simply because of the same reason as me. Love.

"T-That was different." He says in defence making me scoff.

"Yeah, sure it was."

We both fall silent as we both stood awkwardly alone in the toilet roll section. No matter what I say he wasn't going to believe me, so there was no point making up some lame lie to convince Oli didn't do this. Deep down inside I wanted him to know but I also didn't want him to do anything about it. I was torn but screaming for help.

"You can't let him get away with this, it's abused! You need to get the hell out Josh." Kellin nags upsetting me further.

"I-I can't, I love him." I admit shamefully looking down at my feet.

"Don't you think I loved him when I left him? I still shamefully do." He announces but that was the last thing I needed to hear right now and so I snap my eyes back him in hatred.

"That's why you want me to leave isn't it? So you can weasel your way back in and have Oliver all to yourself again and play happy families!" I accused in distressed.

Kellin's eyes widen in disbelief, earning a couple of passing customers to give us odd glares because of our raised voices.

"Are you out of your mind?! I would never go back to him and risk my baby's life ever again. They're the main priority now, no matter what I feel or Oliver. You need to put your baby needs before yours to-"

"Don't tell me how to take care of my baby!" I yell. "This is just a hiccup in our relationship, just like the many you had... Oliver is going to love Harley. He'll love us both dearly and stop hurting us, you just wait and see." It was as if I was trying to convince myself more than Kellin and that only anger me more.

"Stop poking your nose where it doesn't belong Kellin and go back to your happily ever after life with Vic!"

"Josh, I just want to help you." He gently puts his hand on my shoulder but I quickly shrug it off.

"Why? We're not friends Kellin, you made that perfectly clear at our last encounter or have you forgotten that you slapped me across the face?"

I watch him sigh before giving me an apologetic glance. I didn't want to go back to Oliver's manipulating ways but I also didn't want to leave him either. I waited five years to have him, I wasn't going to walk away just because the relationship was a bit rocky.

"I know what Oliver is like Josh, with his several promises, his soft words, and his affectionate touches after an argument. That emotional guilt trip making me believe that it was all my fault and not his. The emotional blackmail, the manipulation, the constant drug use. I know Josh, believe me I know. I've lived through it too."

My eyes well up but I quickly wipe away the unfallen tears. Everything he said was so true it startled me. After everything I put him through over the years he was still willing to help me get out of this tough time in my life. The boy truly didn't have a bad bone in his body.

"You need to get out and he needs to find help. You're both not doing any good to each other by staying together in this toxic relationship."

"I have nowhere else to go..." I whisper shakily.

"What about Jordan's?"

"We fell out." I shrug not wanting to talk about it.

It all seems so hopeless, I wish I never said anything to him. It was too much hassle.

"Look, we're figure something out. I'll speak to-"

"No!" the thought of how furious Oli would be if he found out Kellin knew about this had me trembling in fear and regret.

"Just don't do anything, Kellin please. I'm gonna fix this. I love him and he loves me, it's meant to be so don't interfere, okay and let me clean up my own mess. It was an accident so just forget it."

"Josh-"

"Leave me alone Kellin, and just stay away from us!" I snap before dropping my basket on the floor and running out of the store.