Part of Me

Kellin’s POV

I make my way down stairs after hearing Oliver shouting down the phone at someone. He sounded angry and I wanted to know what was going on.

Just as I walk into the room he’s slamming his phone down onto the kitchen counter furiously.

“Who was that?” I ask without thinking because the glare he gave me made me wished I stayed upstairs.

“My mum. No thanks to you and Vic she’s found out about you being pregnant and now she won’t leave me alone!”

Oli and he’s mum didn’t have a very good relationship. She kicked him out years ago because of his behaviour which lead to us having to live together.

“What she say?” I ask out of curiosity.

“What do you think she said? She’s giving me a god damn lecture that I do not need to hear! Just some bullshit about responsibility but like as if any of it matters ‘cause you’re getting rid of it anyway.”

“Stop saying that.” I snap back sassily.

“You are.”

“I’m not making a decision until we talk about it properly Oliver.”

“There’s nothing to talk about Kellin.”

He picks up the bottle of rum which was on the kitchen counter and takes a drink. He didn’t even bother using a glass he just drank straight from the bottle. Classy.

“Yes there is Oli, please. Don’t you want to know what happen at the doctor’s appointment yesterday?” I plead.

“I honestly don’t care Kellin. What’s the point of knowing and getting attached to it when at the end of the day we’re not keeping it.”

“Stop calling it ‘It’! And stop saying I’m going to get rid when we haven’t made a joint decision yet.”

I could feel myself getting annoyed and upset at him. He was being so inconsiderate and spiteful with his words.

“I’m warning you Kell I’m not staying home and playing baby daddy. I don’t want a kid, end of.” He says ending the conversation and going back to his drink.

I take the scan out of my pocket and hold it close to my chest as I debate about showing him it or not.

Maybe if he saw the baby scan he would change his mind. He might miraculously fall in love at first sight and considered about wanting to keep it and actually want to have a family with me.

It was worth a shot.

I take a deep breath and reluctantly hold out the scan to him.

“Look at the photo Oli, it’s our baby.” I say and he instantly looks away from the photo.

My heart sinks but I wasn’t going to give up. I had to convince him so I carried on telling him what the doctor told me.

“I’m five weeks pregnant already and it has a really healthy heartbeat and its growing fast and I’m due in August.” I say with a hopeful smile on my face.

He gripped at the bottle of rum and refused to take his eyes off the liquid at the bottom of it.

“Please look at it Oli. Look at your baby.” I beg holding the scan up to his face.

“Stop it! It’s not my baby and I don’t want to know this shit!” he yells shoving my hand away from him.

Tears prickle at the corners of my eyes but I held them back, I wasn’t going to give up. I wasn’t going to cry and look weak in front of him because that will most likely piss him off more. I needed to keep mentioning this to him until it sinks into his head that he was going to be a daddy. This was real and it was happening and he had to face it.

I never got to try again because he was already so worked up and angry over it.

“I can’t be dealing with this shit before the show tonight!” he says angrily throwing me off guard.

“You’re playing a show tonight? Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask feeling offended.

“Why would I?”

Oh I don’t know, maybe because I’m your boyfriend and I got to all of your shows.

I frown and cross my arms over my chest trying to not let this get to me. He didn’t tell me anything anymore and that hurt.

“Is Josh going?” I ask bitterly.

“Yes, Josh is going he’s part of the set.” He answers frustratingly.

Of course Josh is going that was a stupid question. If he was going then so was I. After witnessing both of them together yesterday I didn’t want to give them the opportunity to be alone together again.

“If Josh is going then I am too.”

“Oh stop the jealously Kellin!” he shouts rather aggressively.

“Why can’t I come?” I whine not backing down.

“Because you fucking pregnant Kellin, you’re not exactly rock show proof!”

“I’ll just stand on the side of the stage like I always-“

“I said no!” he screams hitting the bottle of rum off the counter with his hand in a wave of anger and it crashes to the floor everywhere. I jump back in fright of his drunken unexpected temper.

My heart was pounding out of control in fear. He’s never acted this violently towards me before even when he’s been stupidly drunk I didn’t know what to do.

My eyes flicker back to his fearfully and I see he was full of rage, nostrils flaring, his chest rising up and down fast, his hands were in balls of fist and he shook violently. Why was he so angry?

I look down and see blood dripping from his hand and it was leaving dark red droplets on the white and black tiles.

“O-Oli your hand.” I tell him worriedly.

I step forwards wanting to inspect his hand because he could have glass stuck inside of his skin and if he did he needed to get it out as soon as possible before it got infected.

I reach for his hand but he yanks it away from me.

“Don’t fucking touch me!”

“Oli I-“

“You know what, I’m gonna get this through your fucking head and if this is the only way then so be in Kellin!” he snaps.

He snatches the scan out of my hands and rips it in half. My heart and stomach drops at the sound of the tearing paper.

“No!” I scream trying to reach for the scan.

But he continues ripping it up aggressively out of my reach and my hands fling to my face as I shake my head and watch on in disbelief.

“Please!” I beg him.

“Oli stop! Oli stop it!” I cry out feeling my chest go tight.

He throws the tiny ripped up pieces at me and I fall to my knees in tears trying to gather up all the pieces on the floor.

“H-how could you?” I gasp.

My heart was shattered. My shaky hands held the ripped up pieces, you couldn’t even make out the picture of the scan anymore. I let out a loud sob.

My eyes well up and tears were quick to leak over my eyes. I cover my face and I just cry my eyes out. I couldn’t breathe everything inside me hurt. It literally felt like he ripped my heart out of my chest.

He just tore up the one thing I have grown so attached to within the last 24 hours and now I was completely broken on the floor.

He cruelly took away the only photographic evidence of our baby. He well and truly didn’t give a fuck about our unborn child and he’s made it very clear he wants rid. I didn’t understand how he could be so heartless. What the fuck was wrong with him?!

Loud sobs leave my mouth and I couldn’t stop them. I didn’t want to stop them. He hurt me, he really fucking hurt me and I wanted him to hear how much he had hurt me.

I hear him walk past me without a single word and not long after I hear the front door slam shut.

I didn’t bother going after him, I couldn’t look at him right now. I cry harder knowing that I was now alone. I was practically hyperventilating, one hand clung to my chest and the other held me up on the floor as I tried not to pass out from this intense pain in my chest.

~~

What felt like hours crying on the kitchen floor I pulled my hands away from my face and breathed out heavily. I somehow found the strength to stand up on my two wobbly legs and walk upstairs to the bathroom.

Tears were still rolling down my cheeks and sobs were still leaving my mouth but I stripped myself out of my clothing and stepped into the shower.

I couldn’t think of anything else but the pain I was feeling right now. My fist gripped at my bare chest as if my hand could stop the overbearing heartache but it was no use.

I sink down and sit in the bottom of the bath tub and pull my knees up to my chest and carried on crying as the warm water crashed down on top of me from the shower head above.

My boyfriend hates me and he wants me to abort our child like it was the easiest thing for me to do. Just take away a growing life which was relying on me to keep it safe. I couldn’t do such a horrible thing, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I got rid it.

Everything feels so broken and I didn’t know what to do to fix it. I felt so torn between the both of them and I shouldn’t be put in this position to have to choose. It was tearing me apart. I just wanted this to all to go away, I just wanted the pain to stop.

~~

I’m not sure how long I’ve been sitting in the shower for but I didn’t really care anyway. The hot water had turned cold awhile ago and my body was shivering and I couldn’t figure out if it was because I was cold or because I was heartbroken. I just felt numb.

“Kellin?” I hear a voice pull back the shower curtain.

I lift my head up from my knees and squint through my blurry watery eyes at my best friend.

He looked at my current state with worried and confused eyes and it only made me feel worse about myself.

“What are you doing? What’s happened Kells?” he asks full of concern but I just shake my head and let out another whimper.

I clasp a hand over my mouth to silence my sob but it didn’t work. Even through the crashing water of the shower, my sobs were still loud enough to be heard.

Vic leans over and turns off the shower before reaching down to me and pulling me up from the bath tub. I wrap my arms around my body as I trembled in a mixture of unbearable pain and sudden change of temperature.

I hang my head and glance through my wet hair and see Vic staring at me. His eyes remain on my face and they didn’t once falter to look else where as he watched me cautiously.

He quickly wraps me up in a grey towel and carefully helps me step over the bath and pulls me in for a comforting hug. He rubs his hands up and down my sides to warm me up and I lean my head on his shoulder and cry uncontrollably into his shirt.

“I-I’m s-so sorry.” I choke through my sobs.

I felt bad for ignoring him all day basically giving him the cold shoulder because of the fight with Oliver yesterday.

“No Kells, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have butted in and blurted everything out in front of everybody and behaved the way I did.”

I just shook my head not caring about that all now. That was the last thing on my mind.

“What’s going on Kellin? What has he done to you?” he asks knowing Oli was the reason for this meltdown.

“H-he w-wants me t-to get rid of it.” I say through hiccups.

Saying it out loud made me relive the heartbreak all over again and it made me feel physically sick to my stomach.

Vic holds me back at arms length and he moves my wet hair out of my face and cups my cheeks with his hands and made me look at him.

“And what do you want?” he asks looking serious.

“I-I…” I couldn’t even finish my sentence.

I choke on a sob and break down all over again.

I was too emotional to think properly right now, everything hurt and my mind was a complete mess. I fell into Vic’s arms and clung to him desperately and cried. I feel him tighten his arms around me and leaned his chin on top of my head. I wanted him to somehow take this pain away from me, he always made me feel better but deep down I knew he wouldn’t be able to make this okay. No matter how much I was desperate for him to work his charms I knew this heartache wasn’t going anywhere any time soon.

“Shh, please calm down Kells.” Vic says kissing my forehead.

I swallowed down the lump in my throat and tried to calm down for him. I took in a deep breath and let it out and continued doing that until I felt a little less hysterical. I felt hollow and empty inside and I didn’t know what I had to do to bring back an ounce of happiness to my life again.

I was now silently crying into his shoulder and I hear him sigh as I’m scooped up into his arms and he’s carrying me to my room.

He sits me down on my bed and pulls out fresh pyjamas from my drawers and puts them next to me on the bed. I’m glad I gave him a spare key a few years ago because times like these I needed him to make an unexpected appearance and distract me from whatever argument Oliver and I got ourselves into.

I sniffle and hold the towel close to my naked body as I sit at the edge of the bed staring down at the floor.

I could feel Vic’s eyes on me but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him right now. I felt really embarrassed that he’s seen me in such a state crying ion the shower which he most probably thinks I’m really pathetic now.

He lightly brushes his fingers through my wet hair and takes a step back.

“I’ll be downstairs.” He sighs and goes to walk out the room.

“Thank you.” I whisper.

He gives me a small smile before leaving the room allowing me to get dressed in private and have time to think. I fall back against the bed once he’s gone and let out a deep sigh I seemed to have been holding in. I was staring up at the ceiling for awhile until the thoughts which were out of my head for a split second comes back crawling into my mind and I feel my eyes water.

I didn’t want to be left alone with my thoughts, I wanted the comfort of my best friend so I quickly got dressed into my pyjamas and ruffled my hair with the towel and made my way downstairs.

When I walked into the living room I notice that Vic had cleaned up all the mess in the kitchen. He swept up the broken bottle of rum and moped up the alcohol and blood that was on the floor and the ripped up pieces of paper which were nowhere to be seen. I didn’t want him to ask me what had happen because I literally feel like I couldn’t go through retelling that situation again.

I take a seat on the sofa just as Vic turns around with a cup of hot chocolate in his hand with overflowing of marshmallows on top. I smile weakly as he passes me the mug and sits down on the arm chair opposite from me.

We both don’t say anything; I guess neither of us knew what to say in a situation like this. But I knew Vic and I knew he wouldn’t let me dwell on this for much longer, he’ll have it out of me sooner rather than later.

I stared down sadly at the marshmallows melting into the hot chocolate I haven’t yet taken a sip from. I didn’t feel like eating or drinking anything, I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry.

“It’s your favourite.” Vic says breaking the silence.

“I’m not hungry.” I mumble and put the mug on the coffee table in front of me.

I sit back on the sofa and just stare off into space.

“What did he do Kells?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” I say bluntly seeing as he’s just cleaned up the mess Oliver made.

This isn’t the first time Vic’s walked in with the flat a total mess after one of Oliver’s rampages.

“Where’s the asshole now?”

“At a show.” I shrug.

“And you’re not going?” he cocks up an eyebrow.

“I wasn’t invited.”

Vic scoffs shaking his head disapprovingly.

“Rock shows aren’t baby proof apparently.”

“Wow.” He says running his hand through his hair.

I could tell Vic was pissed off. He was always pissed at Oli for treating me so badly I was used to his reactions by now.

“You deserve better.”

“I don’t want better. I want him.”

“How can you want him after everything’s he put you through?” he hisses and I see his hands grip tight on the arms of the chair in anger.

“I-I just do Vic… I love him.” I say the last part in a whisper but he still heard me and snapped.

“How can you love that repulsive human being?! After the multiple times he’s cheated on you over the years. After all the times he’s chosen the drugs and alcohol over you. Treated you as if your dirt on the floor, called you names, changed your appearances, and manipulated you into living with him and cutting you off from your dad?! Does that sound like somebody who loves you?” he yells in frustration standing up from his seat.

“H-he does love me Vic, he’s just not himself right now.” I say defensively.

I was kidding myself but I had to believe he loves me because who else did I have but not Oliver?

“You really think he loves you? Even though he’s torn up a part of you?” Vic yells taking something from his back pocket.

He slams his hand down on the coffee table making me flinch but when he moves his hand away it reveals the baby scan.

I lean forward and see that he had sellotaped the pieces back together. My heart drops and a small sob falls from my mouth as I reach for the scan and hold it fragilely in my hands because I was too afraid it would fall apart again.

Beyond all the crumbles and ripped edges and the tape you could just about make out the baby in the picture again. My baby, my little bean. It was still there still perfect as ever before.

My bottom lip quivers and I burst into tears all over again. It was just too much to take in. Vic sighs in defeat and takes a seat beside me and pulls me to his chest for a hug.

“I’m sorry Kells, I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just, its just so frustrating watching him do this to you time after time and you forgive him so easily for it.” he says sounding annoyed but apologetic.

“I-I l-love him Vic.” I choke muffling my cries in his t-shirt.

He would never understand how I felt for Oli, no one would. He was my first everything, my first and only love. No one could replace that.

“I know you do.” He sighs holding me closer.

~~

I stayed in Vic’s embrace for a long while. Even when I had stopped crying I still stayed with my head against his chest whilst he comfortably stroked his fingers up and down my arm.

We stayed in silence, I didn’t want to talk about anything anymore because I felt physically drained. I just wanted to go to sleep but I didn’t want to move from Vic either. He was always so warm and comforting.

The whole time I’ve been staring down at my little bean in the photo. I was so grateful Vic had put it back together for me despite it being ruined. I thought I had lost it forever. It was just a photo yet I felt extremely attached to it already and that’s when I realised something. Oli can rip up all the baby scans he wants, it’s just paper. I didn’t need the photos, my little bean was growing inside of me and Oli couldn’t take that from me. It’s my body and my decision and he had no control over that.

I place my hand over my stomach and smiled. I smiled brightly for the first time which felt like forever. I was happy knowing my little bean was safe in my tummy and not yet taken from me and it never will be.

I had made my decision.

“I want to keep it.” I whisper glancing up from the crumpled scan and at Vic.

Vic slowly nodded.

“But I can’t do it on my own… You’ll help me, won’t you?” I ask nervously.

Vic looked abit stunned like he was trying to register what I was asking of him. I hope he wouldn’t say no, I needed him to be able to do this.

“Of course I will.” He says sitting up so he could see my face properly.

“I’ll be here every step of the way if you want me to.”

I smile at his words and I nod biting my lip.

“But are you sure you really want this Kellin? I mean, Oli isn’t going to take this lightly. He’ll play up, you know that right?” he warns and I frown.

I shake my head. Oliver’s made his decision and I’ve made mine. He doesn’t want me or the baby and I’m not going to get rid of the one thing I want most in this world because he says so. He loves the drugs and the alcohol too much and craves the rock and roll lifestyle which is going to drive him into an early grave and I didn’t want to be a part of it anymore.

“I don’t care about what he does anymore. I want this Vic, this is the part of me that he’s never gonna take away from me.” I tell him and he nods understanding.

“Okay. If you’re sure then count me in.”

“I’m positive.” I tell him.

I could do this. I could raise this baby without him. With Vic by my side supporting me I knew I’ll be okay. I knew I could have this baby and have the family I’ve always wanted without Oliver.