Part of Me

Kellin’s POV

Vic and I decided to keep my little secret to ourselves for now. I had to figure out a plan with what I was going to do with myself. I knew I was 100% sure I was keeping the baby, I just hadn’t figured out how to keep Oliver from finding out my decision because I knew he’d freak and convince me to get rid of it.

I haven’t seen much of him lately, his band been playing a few shows around town. I haven’t been invited to any which doesn’t surprise me, he still hasn’t spoken to me properly since we had that massive argument and he ripped up the baby scan and that was about two weeks ago.

We were drifting apart. As much as I didn’t want to admit it to myself because the thought made my stomach tie in knots and I felt physically sick but I knew we were. I was stupid and naive to believe this baby could fix our problems. Oli didn’t want to be apart of our baby’s life and I know I love him so so much more than life itself but there’s a new part of me now that I find myself loving even more which I didn’t think was possible. And because of this new love growing inside of me, I have to let Oliver go.

I was being a coward though. I didn’t have the guts to come out and tell Oli I was leaving him and keeping the baby to raise myself. A part of me was still holding on to him hoping one of these days he’s going to change his mind and want both me and the baby. Yes, I knew that hope was thin but I was going to hold on to that hope as long as I could.

I was currently lying across the sofa feeling sorry for myself watching cartoons on the TV past the hours by. I remember watching this cartoon when I was a kid, it was the roadrunner and the coyote and no matter how damn hard that coyote tried, it never caught the roadrunner. The roadrunner had it easy, I felt jealous of how it could up and leave whenever its life got tough and leave the coyote and all its negativity behind in its dusts.

I sighed heavily to myself and sunk my head deeper into the sofa cushion. I feel like everything’s slipping away from me and I was near the brink of having a serious break down.

The front door opens and I knew it was Oliver but I kept my eyes focused on the TV and pretended that I didn’t hear him come in. I was currently walking on egg shells around him because his mood swings were unpredictable and I still hadn’t really forgiven him for ripping up the scan. He well and truly hurt me that day.

He makes his way over to the sofa, lifted my legs and took a seat next to me and rested my legs on his lap. This took me by surprise because he hasn’t touched me or shown any sort of affection towards me in weeks.

“What are you doing?” I asked sceptically.

“Sitting on the sofa with my boyfriend, problem?” he says like he does this everyday.

“No.” I say, looking back at the TV.

I didn’t want to cause another argument if it wasn’t needed so I just let it go.

After a few minutes of sitting next to me his hands start fiddling around with the bottoms of my jeans and I didn’t think anything of it until one of his hands slid up further and started stroking my thigh.

I tear my gaze away from the TV and glance down at his hand on my thigh, his thumb gently stroking the denim material and I knew all too well what he was up to. He was just trying to be suttle about it.

“Oli.”

“What?” he says innocently which he wasn’t at all.

I sigh and shift around so I was lying on my back and looking at him. I hated when he pretends that’s nothing has happened between us and makes out that everything is fine when its not.

My eyebrows furrow together into a frown and he sighs knowing I wasn’t buying this sweet act.

“I’ve missed you Kells.” He looks at me sadly.

I feel my heart ache at his words because I really have missed him and all this fighting and keeping secrets is tearing me apart.

“Can we stop all this fighting and not talking to each other because I really miss my Kelly Bear.” He smiles making me laugh at the silly nickname he gave me at school.

His right hand cups my cheek causing me to look down at him on the other end of the sofa.

“You know I love you, right?”

He sounded really sincere and my heart clenches.

I bit my lip as I felt it quiver in response and I couldn’t stop the tears that filled my eyes nor the little sob which left my throat.

This guy was turning me into a living wreck.

“Baby, why you crying?” he asks.

I felt so guilty and he was being so nice and I didn’t deserve it. He shuffles around on the sofa so he was now in between my legs lying on top of me. He pushes my hair out of my face and kisses my nose as he waited for me to answer him.

“Because I love you too.” I sniff and wrap my arms around his neck.

“Then what’s the problem?” he chuckles at me being ridiculous.

“I-I thought you hated me.” I sob.

“Kell babe, I can never hate you. You’re my everything remember?” he nudges his nose with mine.

Everything he was doing and saying was making me feel like the worse human on earth. I was actually thinking about leaving him… how could I, I love him to pieces.

He leans forwards and kisses me and the desperate needy state I was currently in I don’t hesitate to kiss him back.

The sweet and gentle kiss it started out to be was quickly turned into something more deep and eager on Oliver’s be half. It’s been weeks that he’s kissed me like this and I was desperate to feel wanted by him again. These last couple of weeks have been more than lonely without him by my side.

His lips leave mine as he starts attacking my neck allowing me to gasp for air. My mind was heavily clouded as he sucked a hickey into my neck. He knew damn well it was my weak spot and could have me under his spell within minutes and eating out of his hand.

I feel his hands trail down my body and without hesitation he undoes the button of my jeans and pulls down the zipper and that was when the little white flag went up.

“W-wait Oliver.” I gasp, pushing him away from my neck.

He doesn’t listen to me though and goes back to my weak spot on my neck and begins biting and sucking on the skin more eagerly so I wouldn’t interrupting again. I whimper at the assault he was creating into my skin but I manage to somehow pull myself together and push him away from me again. We couldn’t just have sex like nothing has happened, we needed to talk.

“O-Oliver wait, stop.” I gasp.

“Why?” he breathes against my neck.

“We can’t do this, we need to talk.”

“Talk about what?” he pulls back to reveal his swollen lips and eyes filled with lust and eager to continue.

“About the pregnancy.”

I see the annoyance flash across his face when I mentioned the pregnancy. He sits up in my lap and a hard frown forms across his face as he glares down at me. I shift uncomfortably beneath him and avoid his stare. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to bring up the baby.

“I’ve had enough of talking about it Kellin.” He snaps angrily.

I shy away but I knew I needed to stand up for myself and for our baby. I needed to try and convince him one last time.

“But we need to talk about it Oliver. You need to stop pretending like I’m not carrying your child because I am and we need to discus what we’re going to do about it properly.”

He groans in frustration obviously annoyed at my constant nagging.

“Look Kellin, I understand that you want to keep it but try to see it from a more realistic point of view. We’re still really young Kells and my band has started getting abit of attention now which means I’m never going to be around to help you. And if things with the band become successful I’m going to be travelling a lot and you and a baby are going to be in the spotlight with the press, I mean that’s not really suitable to bring up a baby is it? I wouldn’t want that life for you or our child. I want us to enjoy our twenties not worry about the needs of a baby.”

“But Oli-“

“Come Kells you know I’m right. The timing’s not good right now.” He says agitatedly.

“But I really want it Oliver.” I whimper. Not wanting to give up fighting for my little bean.

He sighs and leans forwards and strokes my cheek affectionately with his fingers.

“I know love, but I promise when we’re older and more stable I’ll give you all the kids in the world okay? Just not right now.”

I hold in a sob because I couldn’t handle the lies he was forcing me to believe. He was lying. I knew that he was. He was only saying all this to me so I would get an abortion and when I did I knew he’d make sure to never get me pregnant again. He was manipulating me and I didn’t have the guts to stand up for myself in fear of losing him.

He places his finger under my chin and made me look at him straight in his hazel eyes.

“Make an appointment.” He says sternly yet his features remained soft.

But I knew what he meant loud and clear and I’d be a fool to argue back this time.

I just nod in agreement with him not being able to find the words to speak right now. If I didn’t verbally agree to it that doesn’t mean I’m lying to him does it? He’s just assuming…

“It’s the right thing to do Kellin.” He encourages and brushes his fingers through my hair.

I don’t answer him. All I could I could focus on was how tight my chest felt and that I wanted to throw up.

He brings his lips down to mine and kisses me but I don’t kiss him back. I felt so heartbroken by him right now that I couldn’t physically response. I’m not sure if he noticed my lack of involvement in the kiss but he quickly moves his lips to my neck again and carries on marking me up. I feel his hands tug down my jeans to continue with what we started earlier and even though I was far from in the mood to have sex with him now, I still let him do it.

I didn’t want to upset him or make him angry by rejecting him which would only worsen this situation more. Not to mention I knew all too well if I refused sex from him he would only go and find it somewhere else and I couldn’t bare the thought of him turning to Josh again.

So I just layed there staring up at the ceiling and biting harshly down on my bottom lip to hold back the tears which were threatening to fall. I let him push himself hard inside of me and also without a condom but I guess it doesn’t matter seeing as I’m already pregnant and this will most likely be the last time he fucks me without one so it would be stupid to protest.

I let my boyfriend have his way with me on the sofa of our living room whilst I was trying to ignore his groans and the pain my heart was grieving.

When he was done he kissed me softly like a loving boyfriend would normally do after making love to their other half but this felt anything but that. I kept my face sunken in the cushion hoping he wouldn’t notice the few tears which did fall.

He kisses me on the cheek and wipes away a stray tear and pretends he’s not the reason for them. This was a classic Oliver move which I should be used to by now.

“I’m going to the store, you want anything?” he asks as he buttons up his jeans.

I shake my head no and remain lying limp on the sofa. When I hear the door open and shut I knew I was safely alone.

I scramble up from the sofa and ran up stairs to the bathroom and locked myself inside. I couldn’t control the fit of tears which came pouring out from my eyes along with the frantic sobs.

I lent my back against the door and slide my limp body down it as I dropped to the floor and feel myself fall to pieces.

“I-I’m sorry little one.” I cried, placing my shaky hand over my flat stomach.

I tried to wipe away my tears and held my stomach protectively.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t get your daddy to want you… but you’ll have me. You will always have your mummy.”