Part of Me

Kellin’s POV

I woke up before my alarm thankfully because I didn’t want to wake Oliver who was fast asleep beside me. I got out of bed and quickly got dressed because I had an appointment for another ultra sound today which was at 9:30. And the last thing I needed was for Oliver to wake up and start questioning me about where I was going.

My phone vibrated in my hand and I glance down at the texted I had from Vic saying he was outside waiting for me. He was driving me to the hospital for my appointment just like he promised to take me to each one I had. I put a beanie on over my bed hair knowing it’ll be cold outside and slipped on my shoes and quietly crept my way over to the bedroom door to leave.

“Why are you up so early?”

The voice full of sleep made me jump out of my skin and quickly turn around to find Oliver stirring in bed and rubbing his eyes.

My hand was on my chest as I felt my heart racing with fear at what seemed like 100 miles per second. I felt as if I’ve been caught with my hand in the cookie jar or something. I was full of anxiety right now and I didn’t know what to say to Oliver. I was sneaking out to an appointment he has no idea about and I felt extremely paranoid that he was going to find out about it and lose his shit.

“Oh, uh, I um... have an appointment.” I stutter nervously, biting my lip and looking down at my feet.

I couldn’t even look at him in case he saw straight through my lie. The last conversation we had about the baby was him forcing me to book an appointment to have an abortion but little does he know that I refuse to go through with it. So now I was stood here in this extremely awkward situation lying to my boyfriend hoping he would automatically assume that I’m meant an appointment for an abortion and not an ultra sound.

“Do you want me to come with you?” he asks.

“No!” I yell maybe a little louder than I should have.

He gives me a suspicious glance as if to why for my sudden outburst.

Oli sits up in bed letting the duvet fall to his lap, revealing his shirtless tattooed body to me. I was a sucker for his body and even though we’ve been together for five years I still find myself getting all hot and fluster over it. He was flawless and way too good to be with me.

I sigh and act as calmly as possible to not end up giving myself away.

“No, I kinda want to go by myself.” I say hoping he would buy it.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’m gonna walk there to, give myself time to think and maybe get the bus on the way back if I need to. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be okay.”

“Alright. Well, I have practice later and then the guys and I are going out so I’ll won’t see you until tomorrow.” He says mid yawn.

“Okay, see you tomorrow.” I give him a weak smile and reach for the door handle.

“Kellin.” He stops me.

“Yeah?” I whisper turning back to face him.

“I love you.” He says.

Making my heart sink through my chest at his words and wanting the floor to open up and swallow me for being such a horrible person for lying to him. I had to hold in my breath because I felt every emotion inside me rise up to the point where my eyes watered and I knew I was going to crumble if I didn’t hold myself together.

“I love you more.” I say with my voice cracking.

He smiles at me sincerely and gives me a nod before lying back down in bed.

I walk out of the room as fast as I could before the tears started rolling down my cheeks and the sobs to whimper out from my mouth.

I left the house in a hurry and by then many tears were rolling down my cheeks staining streaks on my porcelain skin. I try to wipe them away but more kept falling from my eyes. I couldn’t help but feel awfully guilty lying to Oliver the way I did after he was being so sweet to me. I didn’t deserve him, I really didn’t. I was a horrible boyfriend.

I told Vic to park down the street so Oliver wouldn’t see his car and get annoyed that I was allowing Vic to take me the appointment and not him. That was another thing that was making me feel incredibly guilty about too. I was letting Vic in and telling him my secrets and not Oliver... but Oliver would never understand.

I guess when you think about it, I didn’t exactly lie... I told him that I had an appointment, just not the kind of appointment he wanted me to have. As if that sounds any better, ugh I was just trying to make myself feel better about this whole situation but it wasn’t working.

I climb into Vic’s car grateful to get out of the cold and into some warmth. His smile fades from his face when he sees me and I knew he was going to start questioning me about why I was crying and I really wasn’t in the mood for it.

“You alright?” he asks in concern.

“It’s just the cold, it’s nothing.” I wipe my eyes and brush Vic off not wanting to talk about the real reason.

“Sure.” He doesn’t sound convince but doesn’t question me thank god.

He starts the car and we begin our way to the hospital without another word to each other. Vic obviously sensed that I didn’t want to talk and I’m glad he wasn’t provoking me.

I rested my head against the car window and watched the leaves fall from the trees in the current autumn season. We stopped at a red light and I was biting nervously at my finger nails, all I could think about is that I shouldn’t have lied to Oliver. I’ve never lied to him before and this was a really big lie and I just felt it eating away at me with that voice in the back of my head saying that I was a despicable human being.

“Kells?” Vic’s worried voice snaps me out of my saddening trance and that’s when I felt a tear fall from my eye.

“I hate lying to him.” I sob wiping away the fallen tear quickly and trying to hold back the urge of having a full blown break down.

Vic frowns and takes his eyes off the road to look at me before he looks back again.

“You know he lies to you all the time right?” he points out the obvious.

“I don’t care!” I snap.

Vic’s eyes widen at my reaction but he quickly looks away annoyed and doesn’t say anything. I see his hands tighten on the steering wheel making his knuckles turn white and keeps his eyes focus on the road.

I groan loudly and cover my face with my heads as I leant back in the seat. What was bloody wrong with me? I felt so frustrated and all my body seemed to want to do is cry!

I felt bad for snapping a Vic, I didn’t mean to. I’m just full of this built up frustration and guilt it was driving me insane. I thought my mind was going to explode. I felt bad for lying to Oliver and paranoid as fuck as I tried to keep the biggest secret of my life to myself to keep my baby safe from any harm. Not to mention I had to eventually leave Oliver once he discovered I didn’t have an abortion and when he did I didn’t know where I was going to live or how I was going to live without him and raise this baby by myself. It was going to be a fucked up disaster.

I needed help. No, scrap that. I needed Vic. He’s my best friend and the only person I’ve got to talk to about this and he’s the only one to offer to help me through this crisis of mine, so I really need to avoid losing my only friend over god damn snappy hormones and my personal shit.

I take my hands away from my face and let out a defeated sigh.

“I’m sorry.”

“Hm.” Was all Vic said in response.

“He thinks I’m on my way to get an abortion.” I sigh.

“What?” he looks at me shocked with raised eyebrows.

“And he’s actually letting you go to it on your own? Is he actually that heartless?!” he accuses angrily.

“No, I told him I wanted to be on my own. It was the only way I could get him off my back.” I say.

I see Vic shake his head in anger, he wasn’t happy about what I said.

I was so confused and unhappy with everything going on in my life right now. I just felt like I was letting everyone down around me. I felt like I was drowning and I was struggling to come for air. I wasn’t sure how long I could stay under before my lungs gave up on me.

“Do you want to get an abortion?” Vic asks out of nowhere.

“What, No! What the hell Vic? You know I want this.” I yell in disbelief.

“Then fuck what he thinks Kell! Stop letting him guilt trip you into believing that you shouldn’t be on your way to an ultra sound right now and seeing your baby alive and growing inside of you and not on your way to kill it! I know you fucking adore it more than anything in the world right now, so do not let that asshole take it away from you!” Vic snaps startling me.

It was the truth but I couldn’t handle hearing it right now because I was stupidly in love with my boyfriend and felt bad for going behind his back like this.

“V-Vic, please don’t. I can’t do this right now.” I sob, feeling a lump form in my throat and for my vision to blur with unwanted tears.

He lets out a frustrated sigh and keeps quiet for the rest of the car journey.

~~

I was lying on the bed staring up at the ceiling letting Dr Eugene do her thing with moving the wand around on my stomach. I wasn’t really paying attention, my mind was elsewhere at the moment. Like going through the list of one hundred things I was going to burn in hell for. Oliver was going to hate me when he finds out I’ve lied to him and more or less kick me out before I’ve sorted myself out. I haven’t spoken to my dad in almost 4 years and I don’t think he’ll ever want to speak to him again after the son I’ve portray myself to be. What if my baby grows up hating me? What if it resented me for bringing them into a world with a father that wants nothing to do with them? I couldn’t have my baby hate me. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if they hated me.

Vic squeezing my hand pulled me out of my upsetting thoughts causing me to frown at him in confusion.

“Look Kells, the baby’s on the screen.” Vic nods towards the screen and my eyes follow his.

I’m filled was sudden overwhelming warmth and happiness when I see my little bean flickering

on the computer screen. All of my worries and my sadness seemed to instantly wash away because nothing is as important to me as this little angel is to me. It was all that matters and I will make sure that I will shower it with nothing but unconditional love all its life.

I feel my lips tug into a small smile as I idolise my baby with teary eyes. Ugh, all I seem to do these days is cry and I’m only 8 weeks, god knows what I’ll be like when I’m 6 months!

“Is everything okay?” I ask the doctor as she was checking its measurements of its growth.

“Everything seems to be normal for 8 weeks.” She smiles at me reassuringly which calms my anxiety.

I wanted to ask Dr Eugene a question but I felt awkward to ask her in front of Vic about it. It was something which been lingering in the back on my mind ever since it happen and a part of me felt nervous to ask it. When Oliver and I had sex the other night I was terrified that I allowed him to hurt my baby. I mean, Oli will soon start questioning me if I keep putting off sex with him so I needed to be sure that it was okay. Not to think he’ll start sleeping with god knows who when I keep turning him down and I won’t be able to keep using “I have a headache” excuse for the next 9 months... or whenever I start showing.

“Can we have another photo please?” Vic asks making Dr Eugene giggle at his eagerness.

“Daddy’s eager to document everything, huh?” She smiles at Vic.

My heart drops when she mentions how eager daddy to be was for our little bundle of joy to arrive, but little did she know she was so wrong. I glance at Vic to see the look on his hopeful face deflate when she calls him daddy for the second time already.

“There won’t be much difference from the last photo. ” She says.

“Err, there was a little accident with the last one so it doesn’t really matter. We would just like another piece of photographic evidence.” He says making my heart sting at the reminder of Oliver tearing up the last baby scan.

“I understand.” She says and prints out another photo and hands it to Vic.

When Dr Eugene was done with checking everything, we get up to go but I stop by the door not wanting to leave without talking to her privately.

Vic looks back at me when he sees that I’ve stopped walking and gives me a confusion glance.

I bit my lip trying to figure out what to say.

“You coming, Kells?”

“Erm, you go book my next appointment and I’ll meet you by the car. I won’t be long, promise.”

He nods and leaves the room without questioning me and I was grateful that I didn’t have a nosey controlling best friend.

“Everything alright Kellin?” Dr Eugene asks.

I turn on my heel and walk back to the bed.

“Er, I wanted to ask you something.” I say shyly.

“Go ahead sweetie.”

I looked down and started fiddling with the hem of my jumper as my body filled with nerves.

“Uh well, Er, is it okay to have sex whilst I’m pregnant?”

She chuckles at my nervous state before returning to her professional mode.

“It’s completely normal Kellin, its nothing to worry about and many couples do it. When you’re much further into your pregnancy you’ll find your hormones craving sex go through the roof. This is completely normal and healthy so don’t be alarmed by this if all you’re thinking at one point is sex.”

My eyes widen and I feel my cheeks burn as she said that.

“This will also be one of the many options to help you go into labour when you’re near your due date too.” She tells me.

I sigh in relief, well that will keep Oliver off my back for awhile when I’m still able to get away with no looking pregnant.

“But most importantly Kellin, it’s your choice. You do whatever you feel comfortable with and if you feel like you don’t want to have sex during pregnancy then that’s absolute fine sweetheart. I know 9 months seem like a long time to go without sex but it’s your body and your choice if you want to do it then its okay. So please don’t feel like you have to do it to satisfy Vic’s needs.” She says concerned.

My eyes grow wide as she was yet again referring to Vic as my boyfriend and the father of my child.

“Oh no, Vic’s not... he’s not... Erm... he’s... “ I stumble over my words not knowing what to say to her.

“I’m sure Vic will be very understanding if you explain to him you’re not comfortable with sex right now or at whenever stage in your pregnancy. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions and your body will be changing dramatically so there will be times when sex will be the last thing on your mind.”

My nose scrunches up at the thought of having sex with Vic let alone whilst I’m pregnant. He’s my best friend, no way. Could this be any more awkward?

Dr Eugene opens a drawer and takes out a flyer and hands it to me. I take it from her and I cringe with embarrassment when I read that it says being intimate during pregnancy. Oh my god.

“There’s lots of advice in here which will help you during the next 9 months when wanting to be intimate during pregnancy so make sure you give it a read.”

“Thank you Dr.” I say and leave the room shoving the leaflet in my pocket and never wanting to look at it again. That was so embarrassing.

I exit the building and walk to the car park to Vic’s car and get in.

“Everything okay?” he asks as I buckle up my seat belt.

“Yeah, fine.” I give him a reassuring smile and he pulls out of the car park.

~~

Vic drops me off home and I get out of the car not liking the dark grey cloud looming over us which was threatening to pour down with rain rain.

“Don’t forget this.” He says and passes me the ultra sound scan.

I didn’t really look at it when we were at the doctors and I smile at my little bean in the black and white photo scan.

“Keep this one safe.” He says warningly.

“I will.” I promise myself. I’ll make sure Oliver won’t be able to get his hands on it again.

Vic leans over to close the door but I stop him before he does.

“Thanks for today Vic and sorry for being a moody bitch.” I laugh awkwardly.

“No worries Kell, I understand. Call me if you need anything.” He says and closes the door and drives off to work.

I go inside before it starts raining and look around the living room for a good hiding place to hide the scan. This time I wouldn’t let Oliver get his hands on it and take it away from me, so it had to be a good place.

I pick up my old address book from the phone drawer and place the scan inside the book and go upstairs to look for a more discreet hiding place. I open my sock drawer in our room and bury the book under the pile socks and at the far back. I knew this would be the last place for Oliver to look in or find by accident because we don’t even have the same size feet and I wear smaller socks than he does. The scan would be safe here.